Still can't accept it's over

[ShannonMI]

I think that's the worst part; the shock of finding out someone you thought you knew and who loved you inside out could betray you so badly..that's what I'm struggling with atm..it makes you question so much about them, your relationship and about yourself. To be honest, do you think it would matter much to you that she's a skank or if she were stunning? I think it always seems like the grass is greener on the other side! As i said, i went thru a similar situation that i've literally just posted about, and altho i can pick a lot of flaws with the chick my ex is now with, she is still very pretty which does nothing for my self-esteem but then if she were downright nasty looking, could that make me feel worse?!

 

I hope you're doing okay and that this news - if anything - made you feel a little better than worse...maybe the same thing will happen to your ex or he might even do it to her and then finally realise wtf he has actually done...i truly believe in some form, karma will come around..these men aren't just going to go off and have perfecct lives with their new gf's and live happily ever after because life just doesn't work that way..but hopefully by that time, we'll be in a much better place and their bad karma will just be an icing on the cake to our lives rather than all we think about and hope for!

 

(it's funny how easy is to dish out advice to other people but you can never really apply that to yourself lol...?! )

It does make me feel good to know that I'm better then this new girl in his life. I just wish he could see it. He's blind apparently. He thinks we aren't right for each other. But this skank is? He's delusional. I'm sure this girl will burn him and I hope it happens. It's crazy because 2 of his ex girlfriends before me, cheated on him and he was devestated. I was the only girlfriend that didn't and look what he did. It makes no sense to me. He's a fool and I hope someday he realizes it.

Edited September 4, 2010 by ShannonMI

[ohno89]

I does make me feel good to know that I'm better then this new girl in his life. I just wish he could see it. He's blind apparently. He thinks we aren't right for each other. But this skank is? He's delusional. I'm sure this girl will burn him and I hope it happens. It's crazy because 2 of his ex girlfriends before me, cheated on him and he was devestated. I was the only girlfriend that didn't and look what he did. It makes no sense to me. He's a fool and I hope someday he realizes it.

 

I don't know if any of what i'm saying is valid but maybe from being cheated on twice before, this guy's just a little messed up. He probably would've had pretty low self-esteem from it, then you came along, were perfect for him but he couldn't handle it and couldn't seem to get passed feeling low in himself and maybe this girl matches up to his "lowness" ...?

 

It sucks beyond belief, I know it does.. I'm sitting here telling you all these things but I myself am still a bit of a mess over my ex and what he did to me. But i truly do hope - like another really helpful post i just read - if all of us thought we were with the most amazing, perfect person who then hurt us unbelievably..imagine all those other amazing, perfect people out there who won't hurt us...? Eventually, your "perfect" ex and my "perfect" ex will be seen to us for what they truly are; not good enough. Nothing special and people who screwed up something SO good....if they couldn't see us for the people we are, why do we want to be with them anyways?!

 

People come and go..it's a harsh part of life but it happens and then it all ends. Waste as little time as you can on people that didn't care enough about you to be there for you because you may very well miss out on people that always will be.

[ShannonMI]

I don't know if any of what i'm saying is valid but maybe from being cheated on twice before, this guy's just a little messed up. He probably would've had pretty low self-esteem from it, then you came along, were perfect for him but he couldn't handle it and couldn't seem to get passed feeling low in himself and maybe this girl matches up to his "lowness" ...?

 

It sucks beyond belief, I know it does.. I'm sitting here telling you all these things but I myself am still a bit of a mess over my ex and what he did to me. But i truly do hope - like another really helpful post i just read - if all of us thought we were with the most amazing, perfect person who then hurt us unbelievably..imagine all those other amazing, perfect people out there who won't hurt us...? Eventually, your "perfect" ex and my "perfect" ex will be seen to us for what they truly are; not good enough. Nothing special and people who screwed up something SO good....if they couldn't see us for the people we are, why do we want to be with them anyways?!

 

People come and go..it's a harsh part of life but it happens and then it all ends. Waste as little time as you can on people that didn't care enough about you to be there for you because you may very well miss out on people that always will be.

 

Maybe you're right about his low self esteem. Who knows. I'm tired of trying to figure it all out. What exactly did your ex do to you? Did he cheat on you?

[ohno89]

Maybe you're right about his low self esteem. Who knows. I'm tired of trying to figure it all out. What exactly did your ex do to you? Did he cheat on you?

 

Me too, i'm so sick of feeling a million different crappy emotions every single day! i posted a thread just today under "Messy situation.." long read!

[Hersheys]

Yes, after we broke up we had minimal contact. The minimal part was my choice. He wanted visitation of the dog that we owned together and he insisted we could be friends and all that. I was nice at first and allowed him to see the dog, but did not want much contact with him.

 

Just this last Sunday, I found out that a week before he actually broke up with me he was cheating with a college girl. The week that he had been doing this, he had been going out a lot and some nights not coming home. I asked him what was going on because he had never acted like that. He lied and said he had gotten too drunk and stayed at a friends house. I believed him because I trusted him.

 

After this week of weird behavior he told me he wanted some space to figure himself out. I was totally thrown for a loop as I thought everything was good in our relationship. I went and stayed at my parents for a few weeks and then he told me he wanted to break up. He said he had changed and we weren't right for each other. I was so heart broken, but I didn't think there was some other girl in the picture. How naive of me.

 

So after 4 months of wondering what the hell really happened and why we really, truly broke up, I find out he's dating a college kid and they were messing around the week before he even told me there was any problem. A college girl who is 8 years younger then him and 11 years younger then me. He dumped me to be with a kid. It's such a shock. I thought I knew this person and I trusted him with my heart and soul. He betrayed me. I never thought, he of all people, would do this to me.

 

Since finding out about him cheating, I told him I wanted nothing to do with him ever again and I told him he was dead to me. I told him not to contact me in any way, shape or form. I sent an email telling him this. I said don't bother sending me any emails, texts or leaving any voicemails. I won't read them and I won't listen to them, so don't bother. Hopefully he respects my wishes. It sucks and I hope he feels some f-ing guilt for what he did to me. If he doesn't, then he is a cold hearted bastard.

 

 

I can totally relate to what you're going through. I admire how you handled it upon knowing that he's been seeing someone.

 

One of the reasons why I'm in NC with my ex is because I really do not want to find out any info of him seeing someone new. He most probably is, maybe even before he broke up with me but I just won't be able to handle anymore another blow to my already battered and bruised ego and self-esteem. I'm avoiding a lot of things right now because I know I am not in a good emotional state.

 

You know it baffles me why exes can't even apologize for what they did. I'm not asking for a reconciliation, I just want to be alleviated even just a little bit from all the hurt and pain he caused me.

 

You did the right thing to your ex. What he did to you is the ultimate deal breaker. Give it your all to maintain NC. You were together for a long time and I know how hard it is to cut ties. My ex-ex from years ago did the same to me. I let the relationship drag on for a long time and he still did what he wanted. I often look back and hate myself for not cutting the chord soon. Save yourself from more pain from your ex. Stay in NC and avoid anymore info from your ex. If you and your ex have common friends, stay away from them until you have healed OR ask them to avoid giving you news, updates regarding the ex.

[Hersheys]

This is a fabulous thread. I love it. It is my life as we speak!

But I am trying to remember ....again....TRYING TO REMEBER that there are other areas of our lives that we could focus on that makes life enjoyable. I hope you can get perspective...I have to do the same thing. Try to work on these other areas of your life right now while your love life is a hot mess

 

1. you

2.kids or little neice/nephews

3.church

4.job

5.family

6.friends

7.social life

8.finances

9.living arrangements

10.car

11.working out/healthy eating

12.vacation planning

13.activities

14.charity

15.accomplishments

 

I know we are all struggling but look at what we could be focusing on that is still a part of us that may need improving or some good time from us to improve.

 

I know every morning my brain is having this gigantic pity party. My mind is going bananas!! time is going to get us thru this and each other too. As much as my ex hurt me...i still care. I have to tell myself to let go all the time. I have to push thru the pain and anguish but ...really...I really really do. I dont have any choice. Im NOW glad that I dont see him. Im glad that I dont talk to him cause he said its over. He is not going to change it(it hurts super bad) but I have to keep on living.

2.

 

 

I keep reminding myself that there are other things in life that are in need of our attention and efforts. I had to travel a lot the past week and the whole time I was close to bursting to tears thinking about what happened to me and the ex and some other things in my life that was a letdown but then I thought of the people who love me like my family and friends. My ex doesn't see what my loved ones see in me and that's his loss. The breakup was a huge blow to my self-esteem because it happened when I was having problems in other areas of my life. I know I need to instead put forth some special efforts on people and activities I have ignored before.

[Hersheys]

I think that "hoping" for the return of our respective Xs is the worst. In my case, my ex left me and started seeing another guy the next week. After dating him for almost two years, and having sold most of her furnature and moving in with him -- she figured out that he was gay.

 

A few weeks after they broke up, she called me. She didn't say that she wanted to get back together, or even say that she was single. However, she called me at 11:30pm on a Saturday, so it was fairly obvious.

 

Many people who have responded to my other threads have predicted that her current relationship wont last, and that at some point she will come back to me. Reading that leaves me very conflicted -- she already assured me once that she had made a terrible mistake in leaving me, that we would do whatever it took to make it work, and that she wanted me for me. That lasted about three weeks.

 

So if she did come back, how could I ever trust her? At the same time, I have deep seeded problems obsessing over her, she was the first woman I had sex with, the first woman I fell in love with. She is all I have wanted for the past ten years, even when she lived hundreds of miles away. I just cant get her out of my head, and I just cant believe how things ended so abruptly.

 

I struggle everyday thinking about how abrupt the relationship ended. I didn't even had the chance to have a talk with my ex to explain things. I am one of those who are in need of a closure but I know that it is futile now because so much time has passed and the ex doesn't even give a hoot now about losing the relationship. It hurts but what can i do?

 

One thing that we can throw back at the ex in future is the question of - can we still trust them in the future? At this point, the one and only thing we want is to get our exes back but I believe that after some time and after a lot of introspection, what we went through picking ourselves up will come into play. It's like we have learned so much and overcame a lot of pain that going back to the ex will make us question is it really worth it to give this chump of an ex another go? Is it worth risking our weeks, months worth of healing for this same person again and go through what could possibly be the same charade all over again.

[Hersheys]

i feel exactly the same right now. ive tried to contact my ex and hes shot me right down and told me its over.

sometimes the heart doesnt move as fast as the brain...and it sucks. its so much pain. im sorry to hear ur going thru it too =[

 

 

I'm sorry to hear what you're going though too. Stop contacting your ex from now on. He already told you it's over. I've read it on here many times to take seriously what your ex told you and make him feel that you know that it's really over and you know what to do with it. Let him be the one to stew on his decision while you get on with your life just fine even if it hurts like crazy everyday.

 

I am tempted everyday to call my ex but I am doing the best I could not to because I know and I am sure it will just give me new hurt and pain.

[9Lives]

I'm sorry to hear what you're going though too. Stop contacting your ex from now on. He already told you it's over. I've read it on here many times to take seriously what your ex told you and make him feel that you know that it's really over and you know what to do with it. Let him be the one to stew on his decision while you get on with your life just fine even if it hurts like crazy everyday.

 

I am tempted everyday to call my ex but I am doing the best I could not to because I know and I am sure it will just give me new hurt and pain.

 

I agree with you. No NEW pain. This is why I would not contact my ex. I am having a hard time managing the pain I already have now. Why open the door to more? Especially cause we are not getting back together. it is useless. NC= No new pain

[carrie3107]

Thank you for your posts. Thought i was going beserk but not alone in this pitty party. Finally made some decision during this crazy train experience. Ive blocked him from facebook. and probably the best decision ive made for a while.

 

I just feel that i cant win at the moment, ive gone from one mood to another and my head is totally dizzy. My friends are saying that im having a rough time since we split. Have to agree with them. Ive confided in a couple of friends about whats been going on with me and it back fires in the middle of a pub with the ex's family saying that i make a beeline for them as soon as i see them, which is not done intentially (as i have become good friends.) I have checked his facebook account a lot and wasnt until today (after i blocked him how many times i actually checked his account, yes i have stalked him on facebook) but not intentially stalked him when being out and about drinking, but was told i was or if i have its been through alcohol.

 

So i turned round and said that if i want to stalk him then i can by looking at his facebook account (hence why i have deleted it and deleted his pictures), My mate said it was ok to still have him on facebook were he is always updating his status etc. So to me thats more stalking then anything cause i know what he is upto or thinking at every moment in time.

 

Yes i am going to see him out and about. I even bump into him most mornings cause we live one block away. So if i see him in the street is that classed as stalking.

 

Just feeling tense at the moment and either end up getting angry then end up crying when im out on the drink, and im not even drinking that much at the moment, just want this to go away so i can get back to being me again.

[w.e.]

I am having a tough time accepting that my marriage is over...mainly because I do not want it to be. I feel like we are both young and we share a child together. In the next 15 years, we will see each other frequently. We will remain friends, and we will grow as individuals. People make mistakes but it's part of life. As quickly as love fades, it could be reignited. Of course, it requires both of us to make that choice, but crazier things have happened. X_X

[HopeLove]

Hersheys I can relate to a lot of your feelings since I share the same.

Only after 4 months since the breakup I could see there's no hope anymore that we will be back together, which is very painful too. Sometimes I don't want to give up that hope but then I don't allow my self to have hope anymore because I know this doesn't help me. In fact since I lost the hope I'm feeling a little bit better.

I believe there's no way you will move on while you still have the hope to get back together and are not able to accept he ended the relationship desipite you didn't want. Start working on this and be strong.

[9Lives]

Well I can tell you I was a walking disaster. I felt like I had been picked up by a hurricane swirl and I was in the middle of it. It looked like it was never going to happen but it did...It got better! I still have my ups and downs but not as bad as it use to be. I can make it better now. Labor day was pressing but I came to LS and it got me thru the moment.

 

The good news is that...the pain has a time limit! If you handle your break up properly, you wont have any new pain. The thing is handle it properly.

 

NC=no new pain. Contact makes it bad until you are over it completely.

 

Be extra nice to yourself. All those love songs and things that make you feel bad...dont do. sometimes your friends are in your way for healing too. You just have to figure out how to make it thru but take comfort in know....it has a time limit. You wont feel like this forever, no one does. But take care of yourself while you heal.

[Maverick1983]

I was doing so well but a passionate redevouz with my ex changed all that.The best option is NC.Treat her/him as if they are medusa like if you see them on the street also.I must admit I was doing well and I managed to keep that strength to some degree because I really got in shape and sociable but she is like my kryptonite sometimes I swear.Sometimes I can accept its over,in fact most times, but there are days where its really tough.

[Hersheys]

Thank you for your posts. Thought i was going beserk but not alone in this pitty party. Finally made some decision during this crazy train experience. Ive blocked him from facebook. and probably the best decision ive made for a while.

 

I just feel that i cant win at the moment, ive gone from one mood to another and my head is totally dizzy. My friends are saying that im having a rough time since we split. Have to agree with them. Ive confided in a couple of friends about whats been going on with me and it back fires in the middle of a pub with the ex's family saying that i make a beeline for them as soon as i see them, which is not done intentially (as i have become good friends.) I have checked his facebook account a lot and wasnt until today (after i blocked him how many times i actually checked his account, yes i have stalked him on facebook) but not intentially stalked him when being out and about drinking, but was told i was or if i have its been through alcohol.

 

So i turned round and said that if i want to stalk him then i can by looking at his facebook account (hence why i have deleted it and deleted his pictures), My mate said it was ok to still have him on facebook were he is always updating his status etc. So to me thats more stalking then anything cause i know what he is upto or thinking at every moment in time.

 

Yes i am going to see him out and about. I even bump into him most mornings cause we live one block away. So if i see him in the street is that classed as stalking.

 

Just feeling tense at the moment and either end up getting angry then end up crying when im out on the drink, and im not even drinking that much at the moment, just want this to go away so i can get back to being me again.

 

I try to avoid a lot of things just so I will not receive any news or updates about my ex. We have different set of friends so it's a lot easier. I have been tempted many times to check him on facebook but thankfully I blocked long time ago. I just wouldn't be able to handle it if I get status updates from him because for me it would just be like a slap in the face and I know I will go through the same process from day one of breakup.

 

Have you tried avoiding the pub even for just this period of healing and getting over the breakup? You probably are not stalking him but try not to check him too much on facebook and avoid going to the pub at this time. You now know that those things do not help you at all in getting over him.

[Hersheys]

I am having a tough time accepting that my marriage is over...mainly because I do not want it to be. I feel like we are both young and we share a child together. In the next 15 years, we will see each other frequently. We will remain friends, and we will grow as individuals. People make mistakes but it's part of life. As quickly as love fades, it could be reignited. Of course, it requires both of us to make that choice, but crazier things have happened. X_X

 

I certainly believe in this one. We might not realize it now while we are in the middle of the mess but I believe in what I've read on here at LS that the heart and mind have a way of giving up being lonely and pushes us to start living and turn things around.

[Hersheys]

Hersheys I can relate to a lot of your feelings since I share the same.

Only after 4 months since the breakup I could see there's no hope anymore that we will be back together, which is very painful too. Sometimes I don't want to give up that hope but then I don't allow my self to have hope anymore because I know this doesn't help me. In fact since I lost the hope I'm feeling a little bit better.

I believe there's no way you will move on while you still have the hope to get back together and are not able to accept he ended the relationship desipite you didn't want. Start working on this and be strong.

 

 

It's the nagging thought that I try to overcome everyday. It's ridiculous to think now that my ex and I have a chance of reconciling but I still have that bit of hope that maybe someday we will go back to what we once were.

 

Maybe the reason why I am still in denial is because of how things ended between us. The breakup happened so fast and happened at a time when I was also having problems in other areas of my life. So my attention was kind of divided, I was dealing with my personal problems while my ex was breaking up with me, I just didn't know it at that time. When I realized that my ex was never going back that's when it hit me how real the breakup is.

 

Now I feel guilty and beating myself up for not paying attention to the signs that he was about to breakup. I probably would have handled it a lot better and have accepted long time ago that there's no hope for both of us. I probably would have gotten closure and freed myself from all these thinking and guilt.

[Hersheys]

Well I can tell you I was a walking disaster. I felt like I had been picked up by a hurricane swirl and I was in the middle of it. It looked like it was never going to happen but it did...It got better! I still have my ups and downs but not as bad as it use to be. I can make it better now. Labor day was pressing but I came to LS and it got me thru the moment.

 

The good news is that...the pain has a time limit! If you handle your break up properly, you wont have any new pain. The thing is handle it properly.

 

NC=no new pain. Contact makes it bad until you are over it completely.

 

Be extra nice to yourself. All those love songs and things that make you feel bad...dont do. sometimes your friends are in your way for healing too. You just have to figure out how to make it thru but take comfort in know....it has a time limit. You wont feel like this forever, no one does. But take care of yourself while you heal.

 

 

I can totally relate. Last month I too felt like a walking disaster. I even joked to my friends that maybe I'm better off living in a cave surviving on water lol because when I go out I see reminders of the relationship, the ex and I commit blunders doing the simplest of things/activities because when I am outside, I am not "in the present", I'm just most of the time thinking and figuring out how to get out of the mess I got myself into.

 

I still get bouts of sadness a lot but you are sooo right in saying that pain does have a time limit if we only do the right things for us. It helps also if we surround ourselves with positive people and activities. Just simple things that elevates us to a different level than the one we are or used to be in.

 

It's comforting to know that we will not feel this way forever and pain really does have a time limit.

[Hersheys]

I was doing so well but a passionate redevouz with my ex changed all that.The best option is NC.Treat her/him as if they are medusa like if you see them on the street also.I must admit I was doing well and I managed to keep that strength to some degree because I really got in shape and sociable but she is like my kryptonite sometimes I swear.Sometimes I can accept its over,in fact most times, but there are days where its really tough.

 

 

Most of us go through the sick cycle of going back and forth with the ex trying to salvage the relationship. NC is hard but I prefer it 100% more than experiencing the early stages of a breakup. I prefer not knowing anything about the ex than see him or get updates on his status and go through all the heartbreak again.

[RDawg]

It's hard to break through that wall of acceptance. I also comfort myself with the thought that just maybe, one day we will be back together.

 

I think the important thing is not to put a time limit on it, and don't try and force it. Live your life, search for a new mate. It's only once you're over it that there can be any chance of reconciliation anyway. So long as you're hurting it aint gonna happen.

 

So live your life, day by frickin day.

 

(This post should prob. be in the 2nd chance section - I seem to be alternating between the two..)

[leal10]

I know how you feel.

 

Many people cover their feelings with lies and anger. But it's those people who realize too late and end up living with it. We will get through this. They will live with this.

 

this is 100% true! exactly as my situation!

 

eventhough i am angry and i left her...now she is imaginary angry...so she could easily go through breakup...

 

??????