Deep breaths.... wedding planning STINKS

[sunshinegirl]

My wedding is in 52 days.

 

I am SICK of dealing with vendors, making four thousand meaningless decisions, having to think about unimportant details, and spending hundreds or more every time we make a big decision. Good god, I will be happy when this is over.

 

And then there's the larger, stressful stuff: we also just bought a condo so we're packing & moving; my mom has breast cancer; and I am struggling to take appropriate account of my future in-laws' opinions and views about the wedding, which differ significantly from mine.

 

The current kerfluffle that I definitely contributed to, was that my friend and sister are throwing me a wedding shower. They asked for my invite list. I went intimate and small: local and/or close friends only, plus my fiance's sister, mother, and grandmother.

 

My future mother in law was upset to see that no one else from their side of the family was invited. I felt terrible at having had a bad impact on her, and I didn't intend to exclude her... but we are already having a HUGE wedding (250+) so I wanted an intimate shower. It didn't occur to me that my fiance's relatives, whom I've never met, would even want to come to a shower. I don't like the "give me gifts" grubby feeling of inviting strangers to a party where gifts are traditionally given.

 

If I had my druthers, I would still have kept the list down to my close friends/family, but I didn't want to offend FMIL, whose perspective is that showers are an event for the groom's family to meet the bride (!), so we will now be adding 18 people to the invitee list. 18 felt modest and manageable, and the friend who is hosting can accommodate the extra numbers, but I could feel a rising heat in my neck as we talked about adding even MORE than that, that can only be a tinge of bridezilla raising its ugly head.

 

I probably also have not gotten over my fiance's parents, three months ago, offering to throw in a couple thousand more bucks to "upgrade" our reception venue (we were planning a tented reception at an orchard/farm near a pond), and doing their own "research" on other venues we could explore, printing out reams of paper one night with helpful suggestions for us.

 

They are good-hearted and generous people. I wish I weren't frustrated with them.

[2sure]

I understand your feelings regarding the shower and not wanting to have a gift grab.

 

But in some families the shower is something important , not so much about the bride as the couple together making a household.

 

Your future in laws to be probably feel like "Hey, I have attended 1,000 showers for aunts, nieces, cousins, now it is their turn to reciprocate. Old school families are like that.

 

As you are learning...weddings are more about Two Families than a bride & groom. You'll be ok. And, they'll get over it.

[allina]

I think it is the role of the FMIL to get offended, pushy and stress the bride out during wedding planning

 

I'm sure your frustration will pass. My FMIL also means well and I do love her but she has definitely pissed me off on several occasions.

[Lauriebell82]

I think it is the role of the FMIL to get offended, pushy and stress the bride out during wedding planning

 

I'm sure your frustration will pass. My FMIL also means well and I do love her but she has definitely pissed me off on several occasions.

 

Hmm, it's the opposite for me! My FMIL has been calm, helpful, and sweet. It's MY mom who has been pushy, mean, annoying, crazy, ect...maybe that's because she's paying for it!

[allina]

Hmm, it's the opposite for me! My FMIL has been calm, helpful, and sweet. It's MY mom who has been pushy, mean, annoying, crazy, ect...maybe that's because she's paying for it!

 

So your fiance is the one with the crazy FMIL :laugh:

 

My mom has been amazing My fiance's mom...... she's definitely had some interesting ideas and demands She is better now and I hape things stay calm for the next two weeks :eek:

 

SSG, 52 days! I didn't realize your wedding was also fairly soon.

[edgeofdarkness]

im not going to get married, too much money for one day, too stressful and besides, half of marriages end in divorce, why bother. Better to not make it legal then if you ever want to walk, whats stopping u. Don't have kids either, save the planet, too many of them anyway.

[Lauriebell82]

So your fiance is the one with the crazy FMIL :laugh:

 

Yeah, he's scared of my family I think! 2 weeks, that's nuts! What all do you have left to do?

 

Hang in there SSG, Allina and I are going to make it!

 

Oh yeah, and our priest cancelled on us yesterday a month before our wedding. He found another priest who we have to meet with now and re-plan the ceremony. Ugh! I could freak out but I'm not! I'm so proud!

[Lauriebell82]

im not going to get married, too much money for one day, too stressful and besides, half of marriages end in divorce, why bother. Better to not make it legal then if you ever want to walk, whats stopping u. Don't have kids either, save the planet, too many of them anyway.

 

Wow, aren't we bitter!!! I think it's theories like this that is WHY the divorce rate is so high.

 

In an effort to not have people hijack this thread, I would say that negative comments such as these are not helpful to the OP. She is trying to cut down on this stress not add to it!!

[edgeofdarkness]

no not bitter at all, just learning from experience, both parents divorced, elder brother the same, both uncles and three aunts, all divorced. Just consider it breaking a pattern, lol.

The op sounds really stressed and i'm just wondering if this happens time and time again, i have spoken to loads of people who got married and everybody keeps telling me how stressful it is, why do people put themselves thru it, really.

why not just go for something simple and private, away from everyone, then say to everyone guess what, we just got married, isn't that great.

[edgeofdarkness]

its ok nevermind

Edited August 19, 2010 by edgeofdarkness

[sunshinegirl]

Thanks for all the comments.

 

I hear you, edgeofdarkness, and before FH and I met, a large part of me agreed with the "elope/go small/don't go crazy" camp, though there was always a part of me that wanted to celebrate with friends and family should I ever be lucky enough to meet the right guy.

 

When FH and I decided to get married, we went round and round on the wedding question - size, location, budget, etc. We never felt right about eloping or doing a destination wedding, and we ultimately decided we would rather do the whole big shebang and celebrate with everyone we wanted to. After all, this is a once-in-a-lifetime event where you have the chance to have all your loved ones in one place. Well, except your funeral, I suppose.

 

So yes, we've very much made our bed on this one, and the stress I think just comes with the territory. In many ways I have no "right" to complain, though it remains true that I am overwhelmed with the sheer number of decisions to make, people to consult, and others' feelings to consider.

 

Good luck in the home stretch, Allina and Lauribell!

[edgeofdarkness]

thanx i hope it really goes well for you, i really do. in never mind being proved wrong, i always want to be proved wrong in cases like this.

[threebyfate]

ssg, don't know if you recall how I dealt with my pushy mother and MIL, to the degree that they caused my wedding planner to quit. So, I gave them full rein to plan the wedding on their own, where H. and I got to make the final decisions of go or no go. You could threaten them with this, if they keep interfering.

 

The funny part is that all that work was for naught, since we ended up getting pregnant prior to the wedding and ended up having a form of rushed elopement wedding of around 50 people at my parent's home.

[BlackLovely]

no not bitter at all, just learning from experience, both parents divorced, elder brother the same, both uncles and three aunts, all divorced. Just consider it breaking a pattern, lol.

The op sounds really stressed and i'm just wondering if this happens time and time again, i have spoken to loads of people who got married and everybody keeps telling me how stressful it is, why do people put themselves thru it, really.

why not just go for something simple and private, away from everyone, then say to everyone guess what, we just got married, isn't that great.

 

This is what my fiance and I are doing, due to budgetary constraints and my crazy, status Nazi Mom. We will be having a one year anniversary party, so that the families can meet. There is quite a distance between my family and his.

 

That said, everyone is different. Most women want the fairy tale, even though it's a lot of money and stress.

[torranceshipman]

My wedding is in 52 days.

 

I am SICK of dealing with vendors, making four thousand meaningless decisions, having to think about unimportant details, and spending hundreds or more every time we make a big decision. Good god, I will be happy when this is over.

 

And then there's the larger, stressful stuff: we also just bought a condo so we're packing & moving; my mom has breast cancer; and I am struggling to take appropriate account of my future in-laws' opinions and views about the wedding, which differ significantly from mine.

 

The current kerfluffle that I definitely contributed to, was that my friend and sister are throwing me a wedding shower. They asked for my invite list. I went intimate and small: local and/or close friends only, plus my fiance's sister, mother, and grandmother.

 

My future mother in law was upset to see that no one else from their side of the family was invited. I felt terrible at having had a bad impact on her, and I didn't intend to exclude her... but we are already having a HUGE wedding (250+) so I wanted an intimate shower. It didn't occur to me that my fiance's relatives, whom I've never met, would even want to come to a shower. I don't like the "give me gifts" grubby feeling of inviting strangers to a party where gifts are traditionally given.

 

If I had my druthers, I would still have kept the list down to my close friends/family, but I didn't want to offend FMIL, whose perspective is that showers are an event for the groom's family to meet the bride (!), so we will now be adding 18 people to the invitee list. 18 felt modest and manageable, and the friend who is hosting can accommodate the extra numbers, but I could feel a rising heat in my neck as we talked about adding even MORE than that, that can only be a tinge of bridezilla raising its ugly head.

 

I probably also have not gotten over my fiance's parents, three months ago, offering to throw in a couple thousand more bucks to "upgrade" our reception venue (we were planning a tented reception at an orchard/farm near a pond), and doing their own "research" on other venues we could explore, printing out reams of paper one night with helpful suggestions for us.

 

They are good-hearted and generous people. I wish I weren't frustrated with them.

 

I feel your pain. After ONE such run in with relatives (one was enough!!), we switched tack and went for a wedding venue that WE found, with no need for any further planning on our part, because the venue will be organizing pretty much EVERYTHING for us (they are awesome people). They are so organized that they even booked our church for us. So now we just sit back and relax until the big day Even better it is our fairy tale wedding but it was very important to us to be able to enjoy the whole experience, including the planning, so we weren't doing it if it was going to be stressful (we'd elope otherwise).

 

Remember that it is YOUR day. Ignore the in-laws. I know that is easier said than done but seriously - stand firm. This is about you two when it comes down to it, and the one day you will remember forever. Your mom-in-law might get pissed for a few days but then she'll love the wedding - it's not right to compromize on your big day and that lifetime memory for any reason.

Edited August 20, 2010 by torranceshipman