at a loss

[LosingitAll]

Any thought on writing to my stepson? Is that a bad idea?

[You Go Girl]

Any thought on writing to my stepson? Is that a bad idea?

 

Don't. She will search her twisted little mind to find a way to manipulate you with it. She will intercept it and the kid may never see it anyway. Even if she lies to him and tells him you're an awful person, she has to live with that lie too, and watching her boy be sad.

 

Keep up NC...don't break it now, you've come so far, and it will set you back to day 1.

[LosingitAll]

Yeah ur right she probally wouldn't even give it to him.. also who knows what she has told him about me, he probally thinks I'm a bad person. I've just missed him alot , I guess I need to realize that he is out of my life too.

 

I'm still keeping up my nc been easier since she hasn't tried to contact me. I realize with the messages about the note she was just trying to get me to contact her. Probally so she could be mean to me.

 

I've thought about her more today then I have in the past week since nc started. I don't know why I'm thinking about it. I've wrote down a list of every bad thing she's done or said to me so I can read it when I start thinking about her. That seems to help some.

 

I was hoping to start feeling better but I guess that will happen over time. Its just the time getting there is going really slow. I have so many unanswered questions but I know I will never get them answered. Expecially by her I can't believe anything she says.

 

A lot of my friends have told me I need to go on some dates & have fun. I don't know if I'm ready for all of that. Plus when I think about it I start having fears. Like where would I even meet someone, what if I get rejected, I don't think I'm in a place to get rejected right now. I've always had fears of that anyway that I've masked with confidence & humor. Right now I just don't feel every confident & I know girls pick up on that.

 

Then what if I do meet a great girl. What if I can't trust her, what if I can't be myself. What if the drama that is my life is to much for her. I know it would be for me. What if I'm constantly comparing her to my wife in my head. What if I come off needy, I feel real needy right now. I'm just driving myself crazy over analyzing everything I guess.

 

She has really wrecked me emmotionally, the more I think about it the more I see that. She has gotten in my head & heart & instilled a lot of fears. She has stripped me of my confidence & self worth & has brought on a brand new fear of rejection. Wow how could I let someone so evil do this to me?

[You Go Girl]

I've thought about her more today then I have in the past week since nc started. I don't know why I'm thinking about it. I've wrote down a list of every bad thing she's done or said to me so I can read it when I start thinking about her. That seems to help some.

 

I was hoping to start feeling better but I guess that will happen over time. Its just the time getting there is going really slow. I have so many unanswered questions but I know I will never get them answered. Expecially by her I can't believe anything she says.

 

Wow how could I let someone so evil do this to me?

 

It's ok that you thought about her a lot on that day, and there will be other days like that. You're not an unfeeling robot that can just turn it all off like a light switch. Don't be too hard on yourself when this happens.

The list was an excellent idea.

Yes, it is going to be slow, with some good days, some bad days. Accept this. You're human, afterall.

Forget about unanswered questions. These are just things that will drive you insane.

Forget about dating. It's impossible at this point. It won't be though in your future, the day will come when you are healed enough to date again. Don't worry. You need time, time to process what has happened to you. Again, you are human, you are hurt, and this is normal.

How could you let someone so evil do this to you?

Because you loved. It wasn't wrong to love someone. That they used you is their loss.

Next time you will certainly love more wisely. Don't worry about that either--you are wiser already.

[LosingitAll]

YGG, I know ur right about everything. Ur words have helped me so much. Actually everyones words have helped me a lot. I want to thank everyone who has posted & given advice.

 

YGG what u said about some days being harder than others was dead on. I have some much resentment towards her for everything she has done to me. I know I shouldn't have but I can't help it. I try not to hate or get angry at her since I know it was my on fault for loving her so much. She is just a selfish person who only cares about herself.

 

All the bad out weighs the good in her & our marriage but even though the real bad just started happening. I sometimes wonder how so much vengence could come from her after how much love shed had given to me.

 

I sometimes think it would've been easier for me to have grasp everything. If I would have been bad to her or mistreated her but I didn't I always put her first. I know there's no reasoning for why she did the things she did. I guess I'm afraid that I thought I was treating her like I should & she did this to me. So how should I have treated her, how should I have acted in the relationship?

 

Then I think to myself maybe I did do things the way I should maybe she just wasn't the one to be treating like that. I don't know. I think I'm going to take ur advice & focus on myself for awhile. Ur right I do need to heal, I've been through a lot & I don't need to keep replaying everything over & over.

 

I've already inquired about starting some online classes to further my education. I'm also going to start a simple workout program starting tomorrow. I think these things will help me to focus on myself. I want a way not to think about her anymore & to get her out of my heart. I just don't want to forget about the memories & the fun that her, my stepson & me had together.

 

This has been one of the hardest break ups I've ever had probally cause most of the other ones I was the dumper or maybe cause I invested so much into this one. I mean I wouldn't have married her if I didn't feel it. I put a lot of value on marriage that was the way I was brought up. I guess not everyone else feels the same way obviously she didn't.

 

I'm still missing my stepson really more than I miss her I think sometimes. He is really a good kid with a lot of potential & I know this is bad but I don't think he can reach it with her. Not that she doesn't try she is just not patient with him. Plus what kinda of values is she instilling in him. I feel really bad for him I was always there for him & now she probally has him brainwashed that I'm evil.

[You Go Girl]

All the bad out weighs the good in her & our marriage but even though the real bad just started happening. I sometimes wonder how so much vengence could come from her after how much love shed had given to me.

 

I sometimes think it would've been easier for me to have grasp everything. If I would have been bad to her or mistreated her but I didn't I always put her first. I know there's no reasoning for why she did the things she did. I guess I'm afraid that I thought I was treating her like I should & she did this to me. So how should I have treated her, how should I have acted in the relationship?

 

Then I think to myself maybe I did do things the way I should maybe she just wasn't the one to be treating like that. I don't know. I think I'm going to take ur advice & focus on myself for awhile. Ur right I do need to heal, I've been through a lot & I don't need to keep replaying everything over & over.

 

what kinda of values is she instilling in him. I feel really bad for him I was always there for him & now she probally has him brainwashed that I'm evil.

 

You keep expecting logical answers to your questions, but you must remember that an addict is not logical, is not rational, does not have normal emotional patterns. There is no understanding her. You would have to become an addict too, and crawl down into her black abyss to understand it. Forget about trying to understand her. It's a futile effort.

 

Continue on with improving your life. Follow the 180, and steer your thoughts away from her. As for the boy, you could inquire with mutual friends or someone appropriate, but unless you legally adopted him, you have no rights. Keep your ears and eyes open as to what you hear she is doing with taking care of him, or not. Looking out for him is tough from a distance, but it's all you can do.

If it might make you feel better, write him a letter and put it away for that day when you can hand it to him.

[LosingitAll]

Ok so h*ll happened this morning. She sends me a message saying she was on the way to the house from out of state to get the rest of her things. I called her & ask her what things things & that she could have her things when mine were returned. She tells me it doesn't work that way. So I tell her it does work that way that she left me & cheated on me. She then precedes to tell me she only said that to make me mad. Like I believe that. Anyway she gets mad & hangs up on me. Then sends me a txt that oh by the way that she will be staying at the house for 2 weeks.

 

So I called the courthouse to see if there was anything I could file because I had heard I could file an ex parte order. Bascially from what I was told like a restraint so she couldn't come & go as she pleased. The lady told me she didn't know what I was talking about to contact an attorny. Well that puts me back in the same boat cause I have no money for a lawyer at this time.

 

I'm so stressed out right now. I don't know what to do. I should have probally just kept nc going. I wish I would've. Now I just don't know what to do.

[You Go Girl]

Get some mean friends to stay with you immediately. Men, women, doesn't matter. Move friends into your home, NOW.

They can help watch stuff so that it doesn't walk off.

Move some things of hers out of the house so that she can't get to them. But this is a 'war of the roses' and she has basically won, because she can trash your stuff and/or trash the house, and chances of you seeing your things that she has already moved are slim to none, and I'm betting on none.

If she does one thing that is aggressive, get a restraining order. Problem there is, the first thing she may do is file one on you.

She's not going to play nice. You need witnesses there, friends, people who will intimidate her should she try anything. She can make one phone call and get you removed from the home for those two weeks, and move everything out while she does it too.

Friends to live there right now? Your mother? Anybody!

Make it extremely uncomfortable for her to be there. EXTREMELY. Make sure there isn't a crumb of food in the house. Nothing to drink but tap water. Remove the food if you must, get it out of there.

Password protect your computer or remove the cpu from the house, probably a better move.

Take the cable modem with you. Don't even have cable tv for her to watch.

Take the laundry detergent out of the house. If she wants to wash clothes, she will have to go buy some more.

Unhook the phone so she can't use it, same with internet, cable tv.

If it's a flatscreen tv, remove it from the house. She will pawn it.

I told you weeks ago if you had good tools to remove them. I hope you listened.

Basically, make it so that you have reinforcements as in friends or relatives living there with you. Then make it so that there is nothing there for her but a bed and water.

Hide the frickin' shampoo and body soap. She can buy her own. This is war.

[LosingitAll]

This whole mess just makes me want to scream. I wish she would just stop until we can file for a divorce. She is so mean what more could she want from me. I feel used up all ready, she's gone past the point of being vendictive. Now she is just trying to do anything she can to hurt me.

[Iconoclast]

She is so mean what more could she want from me.

 

Don't matter what she wants from you. What's she gonna get?

Who's in control?

Toughen up.

This isn't ending. It's just beginning.

[LosingitAll]

Alright so I just got off the phone with her a little while ago. I'm not sure if I said or did the right things. Ill tell u how the convo went.

 

She starts off by telling me that she got half down here then turned around. I asked her why she didn't come home to work things out she says that she didn't miss me. She also states that she couldn't come home & live in fear that my mom would call dfax on her & her son. My mom did threaten her with that during one of their arguments on facebook. I asked her why she took my things, she states that she didn't. She states she wants her sons things back. I asked her if she wants a divorce why wouldn't she file for it, she says if she files then it will be an all out war & she will go for half the house & everything in it. I asked her about paying her portion of the credit card debit & for her laptop she took. She states she is giving me the house & that it was a gift I bought her during the marriage & she doesn't have to pay. I asked her about claiming my stepson on taxes she states she hasn't worked in a year & I'm lucky she doesn't request almony. I advise her we haven't been married long enough plus she commited adultry she states that she never cheated. I told her I do have the message where she told me she was with someone else & that I have a picture of her & someone else. She tells me I don't have anything. Now while the pic doesn't show the guys face she is laying in his lap. She then hangs up on me & tells me its a war.

 

Well 40 mins later she sends me a txt stating that I shouldn't accuse her of things. I send her one back telling her that I would file for divorce & notify her of the details & to take care of herself & her son.

 

So here's where I'm at. She hasn't worked in a year do I go after her for debits that are hers? Am I entiled to half of the 15000 she got? What if she does go after half the house we owe more than its worth so what would be the point? Can I prove adultry with what I got? Should I just let her walk away? I would like to keep my house & the furniture in it, I would gladly take those debits. Also the stuff she took I have proof that someone from the state she is in was at my house the day the stuff was taken. So she had to be a part of it, do I fight her for that?

 

I'm afraid if I try to fight her over stuff she will try to go after more stuff. Women always seem to get the better end of the deal plus she has a child. She also hasn't worked how will that look in court. She's put me through so much. I don't think she should get out of it scott free with all my stuff, me paying the debits & her getting all her stuff. That's just to much for me to think is right expecially for what she has done. But then I'm like why fight it & her get even more. Any advice or suggestings would be great right now.

 

A part of me is like f*ck it its a small price to pay to be done with her but then I keep thinking no its not right. I shouldn't be left with my credit all jacked up & her getting out scott free. I'm not trying to scoop to her level I just don't want to be screwed over anymore & think that its only fair she pay her way.

[Iconoclast]

Wha? If you can get her out of your life by Filing, you get house, no alimony, that's a deal.

Even if you have to pay off her debts.

Take it and smile.

You win.

This will actually be your greatest revenge.

 

...and if you talk to her again, keep your replies to, wow, huh, oh, yeah, uh, that's too bad, oh well. That'll cover just about anything. She doesn't deserve your words, she knows you still love her, and it feeds on it.

Edited August 31, 2010 by Iconoclast

[LosingitAll]

I think ur right. That's just a hard pill to swallow her getting out like that expecially after everything. But the bigger picture is better: her out completely, I get the house, the furniture, I can replace the things she took in time. So I guess that is a really good win & I shouldn't push it.

 

I'm kinda skeptical though that once I file she'll try to counter file & go back on what she has said & try to fight for stuff. I could just see her doing that. After all she is an extreme liar & very wishy washy. I guess when I meet with the lawyer I'm going to explain everything out to them so if she does try something their ready for it.

 

Surely even if I try non contested & she tries something I would be able to change mine. Just keep ur fingers crossed for me. I'm so ready for this nightmare to be over, I'm drained & need a mental vacation & some relax.

 

I want to thank everyone for all the support I've been given & all the great advice so far it has helped me so much. I know its not over yet but hopefully its getting close. I'm already able to look past her bull**** & not be sucked in anymore. That's why I'm so skeptical of what she is saying now.

 

On a brighter note I have a meeting with a college admin guy tomorrow to start online classes & I've been working out. Has helped me some refocus my focus on me.

[michaelhopes]

If you are going through hell, keep going

 

-Winston Churchill

[LosingitAll]

So today she tries to play the kid card again. Tells me she needs money to get him some shoes. I don't know what she expects of me she can dog me out then expect me to be there for her. I feel bad for him but I'm not giving her another dime. I thought about buying him some shoes & sending them to him that way she can't blow the cash on god knows what. I mean if he really does need them he doesn't deserve to be punished because of her.

 

I realized today that there is nothing left in me for her. That made me feel really good to say that & feel that way. I still care about him though he can't help her choices & that shouldn't stop me from caring about him. It just sucks he has to lay in the bed she makes.

 

Oh well that's a part of it I guess, the worest part for me at this time. Everything else is just being made easier by her own actions. She has ripped herself out of my heart & life. I don't even feel bad about it anymore. I actually feel sorry for the next person, hopefully they will realize everything way sooner than I did.

 

I owe a lot of my growth to everyone who has replied & given advice. It has given me a lot of strength & encouragement of these past couple of weeks. All the advice has been dead on & exactly what I needed to hear. I feel so much less stressful today, its good to have days like this. Expecially after the down day I had yesterday.

[You Go Girl]

You're doing just fine...!

 

Don't give her a dime. Do file, she won't. Don't worry about a fight in divorce court, she won't, she can't afford it, she knows the house has no value, she knows she has already ripped you off, she knows she has nothing to gain but public embarassment, and quite frankly, I don't think the twisted girl has it in herself to fight you at all. She's calling your bluff. She has zero ammunition.

You file, you should up in court, she isn't even going to bother showing up!

As for the kid, there's nothing you can do unless you can find out through the grapevine how he's doing, and call child services if you hear that he is neglected or abused.

[LosingitAll]

Haven't posted in awhile I've been trying to keep busy. Plus everything had been going good no contact with her & such. So I thought she had chilled out & realized that I would file for divorce when I had the funds available.

 

Well boy was I wrong. She started friday telling me that she was sorry for everything & wanted to know how I was doing. I didn't respond so she eventually sent me a txt saying I could have all my stuff back & that she was bring it back on Sunday. Also stated that she wanted to come back home & work things out. Well I still didn't respond to her so after her blowing my phone up with missed calls I finally answered.

 

She instantly tries to suck me back into her web & starts telling me what had been going on with her. So I guess I might have opened up to her & told her how I had been working out & applied for school. So she tells me she's proud of me. I got real defensive about that & told her not to patronize me. She stated that she really is proud & just wants to talk.

 

So Saturday she calls me during the football game & we end up talking for awhile. She still insist she is coming home on Sunday so after a lot of objections by me I finally given in & tell her if she's serious we can take it slow with counseling & see what happens. That's when she hits me up for money for gas. I instantly tell her I don't have any money & would not send her any.

 

So Sunday of course she doesn't send anything to me all day until around 7:00pm she starts telling me if I don't file for the divorce by Tuesday she is coming down here & having me removed from the house. I was like what are u talking about. She then goes back to name calling & telling me she hates me that I make her sick & the thought of me makes her want to throw up.

 

So I tell her she needs to grow up & that I knew the only reason she said that stuff previously was to try to get money from me. She then continues with more name calling & telling me that I'm the one that needs to grow up. So I start laughing at her I thought it was really funny that she thinks she can tell me what to do by harrassing me & calling me names.

 

So after that I tell her that I will go this week & file since I had been saving some money for it anyway. I then ignore her next 4 or 5 messages since they were very rude & I guess she was trying to be hurtful towards me. These just made me laugh even more.

 

So then she starts calling me leaving me voice messages to grow up & talk to her. So finally after about 6 missed calls I answer. This is when she tells me that she might have to have her boyfriend call me or coming down here & see me. I asked her what that meant & she responds with u know what that means. So after she states that she again demands my mom pay for the divorce & to know my lawyers name. After I keep telling her I will go this week but probally not Tuesday she hangs up on me.

 

Then starts sending me more txt messages. So I respond with I told u I would go this week didn't I? & what is ur address. Well she refuses to give it to me stating to give her my lawyers name. She also states if I don't do it by Tuesday that she will come up with the money & take half of everything.

 

I've though about this for the last couple of hours & can't decide if she's bluffing or what. I mean I think we all know she is completely insane & capable of doing anything. But I just can't find out what her angle is. Why does it have to be done this week. Can she really have me thrown out after she left me cheated on me & hasn't paid a single bill?

 

I've also found out that she has food stamps. So how can I find out if she has me tied to them & how could she get them in a state she hasn't been in for 6 months? She also let it slip that she has a car now. I know that she is just trying to get out scott free & not owe anything. I'm still torn on that whole deciesion if I should just let her get away with everything or fight out the debit with her. After all she's put me threw I'm thinking about saying forget it all & making her take responsibility for half of everything. But then all I can thing about is how the guy always gets screwed over.

 

Oh well that's my update for not. I'm still in limbo on deciesions on how to handle the divorce. But atleast I didn't get sucked in to giving her any money this time. I'm very proud of myself for that. I see it as a moral victory for me & a great step in showing her that she can't manipulate me anymore. Although I think it caused this whole outburst that happened since she realized I didn't given into her she resorted back to trying to bully me.

 

Ill be glad when I can speak to a lawyer & see what they think is the best option for me. I don't know if it will help but I have a lot of character witness that say they will testify if need be.

[You Go Girl]

I don't know the financial details of your situation, but if you have a lot to lose, you had better retain council quick. If you don't have anything to lose, coast along at your pace, don't worry about anything, and start recording her threats.

I highly doubt she has the money to pay a lawyer when she's trying to get supposed "gas" money out of you, which I think is really "drug" money.

 

Well, do you finally see the light of day? You're not going to fall for her carp ever again, are you? There's no taking it slow and fixing it with her, I hope you finally get it.

She probably isn't getting as much $ from her supposed "bf" as she wants, else why did she consider coming back to you? She will go wherever the money is, plain and simple, wherever she can get it to support her addiction.

[LosingitAll]

Well I was able to get some paid time off for tomorrow so I can finally go see a lawyer. I got like 3 appointments already. So I can pick which one I like the best.

 

She has been acting extra crazy today telling me that if I don't give her my lawyers name that she is going to do this & that. She made me so mad earlier my whole body was shaking. I don't understand what pleasure she gets in f*cking with me. My supervisor at work told me to take the rest of the day off & try to calm down.

 

I'm so over this, I can't take it anymore. I'm really to the point where I'm just about to throw everything of hers in the front yard.

 

I'm hoping so bad I will get some good news from the lawyer tomorrow. So things will finally turn around for me. Probally just wishful thinking though, I just have this feeling that no matter what I do, I'm going to end up getting shafted more & more.

 

I couldn't imagine being as miserable as her. It would drive me crazy. It blows my mind that she can't find anything better to do with her day then to sit around & come up with ways to mess with me & make my life a living hell. She is so pathetic. I thank God that all of this has happened now instead on 10 years or so down the road.

[LosingitAll]

Well all the lawyers said bascially the same thing. That I have a pretty solid case against her & that she would have to be pretty insane to go after half the house since right now there's negative equity in it. That we would end up having to pay money if we sold it. That's bascially what I figured anyway.

 

The only bad part about the whole situation is how much they want to do it. Also I didn't find one with a payment plan I could afford either. Its starting to look like this nightmare will never end.

 

Oh well I guess there's nothing I can do without more money. So in the mean time all I can do is wait things out & hope she doesn't do anything crazy. Wishful thinking I know.