My ex is engaged

[Marc00073]

I found out today that my ex-girlfriend is engaged. We were together on and off for 2 years. She started seeing this guy while we were together and then completely left me for him. That was 4 months ago. She had cheated before, two other times within the 2 years. I kept taking her back. Even in her new relationship - I kept expecting her to come back. But now I know this is it.

 

The hardest thing out of all this is we work together. We sit right by each other. Due to that I’ve chosen to be friends at least at work. But lately I’ve been feeling bad because her relationship had been progressing and it didn’t look like she would come back. So last week I decided to not talk to her at work (which is the only place we interact). I told her I needed this – I needed space because I needed to heal. That worked for me. She seemed to comply. This weekend she called me like 7x’s which was unusual because she never calls. I ignored it because I was out clubbing and having fun not being concerned with her. Today at work I asked her why she called. She blew it off and then blew me off and we started arguing a little and then she says, “Do you realize that I am engaged?”

 

Man – I just feel really bad, and I’m not sure why. I know that she isn’t right for me. I got cheated on a lot. I know that she is happy with this guy. I just thought maybe their thing would fall apart and she’d come back. But now, I don’t have that false hope any longer.

 

Does anyone work with an ex? Or heard about them getting engaged? I just feel really lost right now.

[Vivid_29]

Yes - I work with my ex and I caught her cheating on me and I would never accept her back! Why did you???

 

She called you seven times and then asks you, 'Do you realize that I'm engaged?' What's up with that? What am I missing here? Did she say that cause you were arguing with her? I could understand her saying that, if you were calling her all weekend.

 

~V

[Marc00073]

Well last week I got tired of being a friend and wanted space from her to heal. So starting last Monday I told her this and did no contact with her (even though we only interact at work). She complied and we didn't talk which was good for me.

 

But this weekend, she rang my cell 7x's and left me 3 voicemails saying she wanted to talk. I didn't respond. I wanted to enjoy my weekend - and it was Valentines Day and I didn't want to hear about her and her new man's fun time.

 

Monday I asked her why she called. She gave some lame reason, I didn't believe her, we argued a bit and then she gets real exasperated and says, "Do you realize that I am engaged?"

 

Uh like no! How would I know that? I just couldn't believe that and I'm still in shock.

 

As to why I kept taking her back - I must be an idiot. It's just that - we work together and we'd always end up talking. Just this time it's completely different. She's totally committed to this guy. And now she's engaged.

[dario]

You know what you should do (if it's possible and if you can find better)....put in your resignation and get another job and get the hell out.

[Vivid_29]

Understood --

 

Well, maybe next time in the future, you'll be a little more wise when it comes to accepting one back, when they cheated! Does her being engaged bother you?

 

~V

[Marc00073]

That's excellent advise Dario, I do have an interesting job prospect. I can't be around her.

 

Man - I just asked her why she called so much - it turned into a fight.

 

Then I asked why she'd marry this guy after knowing him for 4 months - she got defensive and started talking about how bad our relationship was.

 

I'm the one that should say how bad it was becos I kept getting cheated on. But it is my fault for taking her back.

 

The whole thing I got out of this is to get a new job and in the meantime - don't talk to her.

[Vivid_29]

Originally posted by dario

You know what you should do (if it's possible and if you can find better)....put in your resignation and get another job and get the hell out.

 

I wouldn't recommend this (no offense Dario). Hold your head up and stand your ground. F**k her! Don't let her run you off!

 

~V

[Marc00073]

Vivid - yeah her being engaged really bothers me. I guess for some sick reason I kept thinking she'll get tired of this guy and come back. I know that is really sick cos she doesn't value me enough to not cheat on me. I just spent so much time 2 years taking care of her - and now this 4 month person has everthing she needs apparently. I'm just so tired of it all. I really wish I didn't talk to her Monday, ignorance is bliss.

[Marc00073]

I am having trouble holding my ground - we sit right by each other and I get to hear her sound real happy talking to him on the phone ALL THE TIME !!!

 

I've asked her to curb this and she'll comply for a day and then do it again.

 

I'm like aren't we friends? Why can't you do this?

 

But she doesn't.

 

That is one of my reasons for wanting to get out, that and I can't take being around her any more.

[Vivid_29]

I kind of figured that the engagement bothered you. It's alright dude, but just don't let her know that.

 

You know, my ex has the b@lls to bring her little crackhead boyfriend to our office. I think she does it to spite me. You know what? It doesn't even phase me!

 

In time, her presence shouldn't phase you anymore. You'll get past this.

 

Meet some new ladies. There are plenty of them out there!

 

~V

[silk_sword]

just to let u know that she obviously isn't really that happy if she has to call u 7x's to let u know how happy she is. not to mention she started an argument with u for no reason and then suddenly announces she is engaged. she is fronting. she is pretending she ishappy to phase u (get a reaction out of u). she says that the relationship u and her had was terrible, yet she still has to contact u all the time. when someone gets so angry with a person for no reason, it's shows that they r not over u. maybe she is angry that she isn't over u. maybe she wants to make u jealous. either way, she's bad news. let her go. she is messing with your head. whether u leave your job or not, this girl has got to go. she doesn't value u and u deserve a woman who can show u the world! good luck.

[Marc00073]

Yeah I am out again meeting people, which is a little rough cos I am 2 years out of the game. But I am trying.

 

When she left me, first I was angry with her, then I tried being friends (I guess in the false hope she'd come back). But I realized I couldn't handle the friends thing especially after hearing "engaged". So it's back to "no-contact". Which sucks cos I feel like she's an "ally" at work - but she really makes me feel bad. So no "ally".

 

I define friends as being able to share, without limits. But there's limits to this so-called friendship - so I really get nothing out of our (only work) friendship. Just superficial conversation.

 

And I really can't handle hearing more details about her life - look what happened to me today. So - she's there, I can't talk to her for my sake, I get to hear her talk lovey dovey with her "fiance" - man I just got to get out.

[silk_sword]

"just keep swimming, just keep swimming!"

 

dorie - FINDING NEMO - lol

 

u'll make it Marc!

[Marc00073]

Thanks Silk - yeah you are right.

 

I did ask her why she called 7x's and she wouldn't really say.

 

I've been a good friend to her - after the breakup (altho probably for my own reasons). I didn't like her rubbing her "engagement" in my face. Man - she knew that would hurt.

 

And she got a reaction out of me - that was bad. I just got to stay away.

 

I've been so blinded by her - that yeah there are way better girls out there.

[morrigan]

Your ex sounds very selfish and narcissistic. Don't you notice that when you pull away from her, she then tries to contact you, or pester you at work? When you attempt to be friends with her, it seems like she's deliberately rude or antagonizing. As far as the work situation, steer clear of her as much as you can. You don't have to be her friend.

 

 

Be glad you're not her fiancee. Do you want to marry a manipulative person who cheats and gets engaged to someone after only 4 months? Doesn't sound very fun. Good luck.

[UCFKevin]

I did ask her why she called 7x's and she wouldn't really say.

 

My guess is she's a little nutty.

 

You're much better off without her, holmes.

[Marc00073]

Thanks for all the advice and support. Through my problems with her, I’ve always referred to this board and find it very comforting.

 

I’m at work now and sitting through listening her talk to her man. I usually get up and walk around until she’s done – but I am going to do her work, try not to be too bothered by it and just be determined to find another job.

 

She’s getting married and she acts mean as hell when we are friends. And when we are friends – I don’t end up feeling that great because I want more.

[Marc00073]

Well actually we get along as “work friends” as long as I keep it superficial and lite. When conversations get more personal she gets defensive and mean as hell. That’s just not good.

 

The phone conversations are so irritating becos I can see how she took away her being best friends with me, and totally replaced it with some guy she knows for 4 months, versus me who knows her for 2-3 years and understands her. Yet now within a span of 4 months per her: they’re soulmates, they’re separated at birth, he understands her, and she has deep feelings and a deep bond.

 

I thought that I heard that before except with me as that person.

 

Anyhow it all doesn’t really matter. Real love doesn’t cheat 3 times. And doesn’t go running off to marry.

[pinkroses]

Can you ask your supervisor if you can move to a different desk or cubicle or whatever? Maybe if you could not be within sight or hearing distance of her, you'd cope better.

[dario]

I think that's a good suggestion, pinkroses. Mind was a bit outlandish in thought. Clear your head of her....

[reasontosigh]

Not necessarily outlandish, dario.

 

He can consider changing jobs as a last resort, if need be.

[amerikajin]

Marc,

 

Don't you get it? She's playing her fiancee the same way she played you.

 

Why would she want to call you desperately wanting to talk after you've tried to tell her you want your space? Any girl with sensitivity would have said "Well, I wish it weren't this way, but I understand. I'll respect your wishes and give you some space" Any woman who was completely satisfied in her relationship with her current man wouldn't have concerned herself so much with an ex. She didn't. The reason she didn't is that she needs you for some strange reason. You serve some purpose for her, and my guess is that she feels that you're her plan B in case plan A turns SNAFU.

 

And she told you she was engaged for a reason: she wanted to beat you down as your punishment for leaving her. She wants power over you and by leaving, you're taking that away. You're establishing your own identity, which is something you probably didn't do in your relationship with her up to that point. Now she's both irritated and a little worried all at the same time. Irritated that you're throwing a monkeywrench in her grand design. Worried that you'll actually leave for good.

 

As far as changing jobs, I think that's a decision that could go either way. Normally I agree with Vivid (who's one of the Yodas of LS ) in saying that you should stand your ground and serve out your duties and tenure on your own terms. On the other hand, this is love we're talking about. Sometimes the heart makes it impossible for the mind to function properly, and you need that if you're to be successful at what you're doing. You don't want to allow your work performance to suffer because of some lame ex. If you feel you have to move on, then do it.

[Marc00073]

Pink & Dario - it's a great suggestion to move cubicles. Unfortunately I actually tried to play that card a year ago (the 1st time we broke up). I actually confided in my boss when I was freaking out one time - my boss was surprisingly empathetic but wouldn't let me change cubes. So I dealt with it then (just like as an idiot, I'm dealing with it now).

 

Amerikajin, dude I've felt like the Plan B, the safety net, all that. I got so wrapped up in wanting to make the thing work, no matter what. And I have lost my identity. I keep wanting something - just cos that's all I was used to for the last 2 years, even tho it's bad for me - like some battered wife (no offense). With her gone, I've had to figure out what makes me tick again. Which gets negated when I see her at work. But I really was making it worse by being her friend, becos honestly I probably wanted to stick around and see if she'd come back ( like a Plan B ugh! idiotic!! ). But now she's engaged - and it's got to be the best thing for me, getting over her-wise

 

You know - she admitted after the fight that she was pissed that I didn't answer her calls. But what a double standard. I had called so many times way before last weekend, she wouldn't answer, and I sucked it up and acted like a friend the following day. But when I decided to really enforce the no contact and in a way give her a taste of her medicine - she got pissed.

 

I mean who cares what I do? She has the man she wants. As to our friendship, we can't really confide in each other - I see no purpose to it, except for work reasons, to help kill the time. And really I can't handle knowing about her life, anymore.

 

Today I re continued the no contact. I tried to think of yesterday as an aberration. It was hard cos I was still in shock that she's getting married and I felt annoyed and frustrated. I tried not to look anyone in the eye becos I thought they could see the hurt showing. Which is crazy to me becos it's been almost 5 months now and she wasn't good for me. But hearing the engagement thing, set me back. I guess being friendly at work was deceiving to me and gave me false hope and the engagement thing crushes all that. And her crappy attitude yesterday.

 

I told one of my friends about this situation. She told me you just have to accept it and do something else. I've been doing something else, but now I really have to accept it.

 

Thanks for the replies & advice - it's funny how when you talk to your close friends they're like "oh god pls don't talk about her again" but here - people get it. Everyone's been a great help.

[Vivid_29]

....and just be determined to find another job.

 

Are you letting this broad run you off??? I sure hope not!

 

If you want to make to make a career change, I sure hope that you are doing it to move on to bigger and better things, and not because you have to work with her!

 

~V

[Marc00073]

Honestly Vivid - I've probably stayed at that job cos of her. I would like to take my time and find another job, but I feel aggravated by her calls and I look at her at work and in between annoyance and frustration - I still see the person that I spent so much time with, that I am having a problem replacing, and unfortunately miss her.

 

It's been hard "fronting" the past 4 months. I just think if we had broke off clean - and I never had to see her again, instead of just running into her at work - man, I would've been so over her.

 

It is annoying that I do feel like I am being run out - but really I don't want to be there anyway so this is enough to get me where I should be. It is annoying that she gets everything - BUT she can have the stupid job and I can have better and peace of mind - hopefully.