Dumpee vs Dumper state of mind

[nokturn]

We (dumpees) all know too well how we should cope with our loss. Focus on the self, go NC, etc. We've also been told by our support network (who mean well) things like "there's someone so much better out there", "she/he doesn't deserve you/you deserve better", "forget about her/him", "go out and have fun", and the list goes on.

 

I've been thinking, what about the dumpers? Since they initiated the breakup, aren't they hurting less than we are to say the least? What does their support network tell them? What are they told to do in order to "cope" with the breakup? Do they even have to do anything at all?

 

Sorry for all the questions, but I'm looking for everyone's input on this. It's just one of the many thoughts that go through my mind each and every day. Thanks.

[Username37]

We (dumpees) all know too well how we should cope with our loss. Focus on the self, go NC, etc. We've also been told by our support network (who mean well) things like "there's someone so much better out there", "she/he doesn't deserve you/you deserve better", "forget about her/him", "go out and have fun", and the list goes on.

 

I've been thinking, what about the dumpers? Since they initiated the breakup, aren't they hurting less than we are to say the least? What does their support network tell them? What are they told to do in order to "cope" with the breakup? Do they even have to do anything at all?

 

Sorry for all the questions, but I'm looking for everyone's input on this. It's just one of the many thoughts that go through my mind each and every day. Thanks.

 

The dumpers are hurting less. They wanted to break up, they thought it, they were waiting for the right time for you to **** up, so that's when they become emotionally detached. And when the time comes, they dump you and say "FINALLY!" and do the things they craved.

 

Their support group say "You finally did it. That guy/girl was stupid anyways." and the dumper goes crazy because they're now free.

 

I'm not sure if they get guilty or not.

[bboy]

Dunno about this,

It really depends on the situation.

 

If it is based on a passive time period that grows into a "we're not interested anymore". It can turn into a blank spot. The dumper wakes up the next day and just continues on with life. Usually, they find someone to fill the hole before they progress to dump. This results in relapse, when the rebound is out of the picture. Practically it's when your ex suddenly contacts you out of the blue. If not, they feel guilt and do whatever they can to help their ex. to prove themselves to be a good person.

 

If it is based on emotions at the moment and followed by a NC period, it hardly passes with a blink. Rather it is supported by a network of friends who chips in with the usual comments of "She's nothing for you" or "He was an idiot anyway". They paint a devil picture of you on the wall. Very convenient for a short period - but feelings catch up afterwards and if the person is normal, this results also in relapse.

[nokturn]

I'm not sure if they get guilty or not.

 

I think they do, or I hope so at least like many others. Proof would probably be all the posts you see on LS about exes ruining their NC.

[LoveLace]

I'd say it depends on the reason why they dumped someone to begin with, kind of like what bboy said...if they know they are hurting someone very badly, someone they have been with a long time, guilt is probably part of it, and coping is probably part of it. And of course anyone's friends are going to support them and say, "you did the right thing". In some situations the dumper has a lot of moving on to do just as much as the dumpee.

 

If it's just a short lived courtship of some sort, where feelings were never really there or only there a little, the guilt is probably slight, if at all. And while the dumpee might be in immense amounts of pain, hoping and praying to have them back, the dumper easily goes days or weeks without even thinking about them, and is already falling for someone else by then...

[Nappeal]

Yes and no.

 

You see, more often then not, a breakup isn't initiated in haste. Usually the dumper has had some time to weigh out the pros and cons of the relationship before it finally gets to you. By the time they're finally saying something, they've already coped w the idea of not having you around. Sometimes it can take months-and in that time they may hang out and continue the relationship for whatever reason; they want to see if things change, they love you too much, or they're too damn cowardly to say something in the first place. I'm sure this is why it can seem like they're so heartless to dump you 'out of the blue'. Once the breakup finally happens, they've mentally processed the loss and moved on. If they're even talking to their friends about the relationship, rest assured that tho the friends may not have painted you as the devil, they're being supportive of their friend's decision to leave and probably saying negative things about you. Bottom line is they've already grieved in some way or another...unfortunately, we're the ones who actually do the grieving.

 

Obviously, it happens that they have second thoughts. Why wouldn't they? Suddenly you're not around anymore and they second guess their decisions...the only problem is that most times those thoughts are fleeting - they DID break up w you for a reason. With tough decisions like ending a relationship, ANYONE would question if they did the right thing.

 

Then there are those who just weren't commited in the first place, or didn't see the relationship the same way you may have. They're not considering one bit your feelings or the affects their actions have one you. Those are the ones who either cheat or move on quickly. Are they terrible people for even stringing you along and allowing you to believe they are good to only you? Absolutely!! But be oh so very thankful that THEY relieved you of their duties. Why would anyone want those kinds of people in their lives? Of course, you run thru their minds, butits just briefly, and more often then not, they won't even contact you being that they're wrapped up in their own little world. If they do, its usually them just going fishing, or 'checking in', but nothing more.

 

LOL this is longer than I expected...but to sum it up: yes, they cope - before you do. Yes, they talk to their friends for advice - before you do. Yes, they think about the relationship - AFTER you do. IMHO

[Username37]

Then there are those who just weren't commited in the first place, or didn't see the relationship the same way you may have. They're not considering one bit your feelings or the affects their actions have one you. Those are the ones who either cheat or move on quickly. Are they terrible people for even stringing you along and allowing you to believe they are good to only you? Absolutely!! But be oh so very thankful that THEY relieved you of their duties. Why would anyone want those kinds of people in their lives? Of course, you run thru their minds, butits just briefly, and more often then not, they won't even contact you being that they're wrapped up in their own little world. If they do, its usually them just going fishing, or 'checking in', but nothing more.

 

This is my ex mos def. Rebounds 3 weeks after the break up and checked up on me constantly. Also broke NC 4 times. I'm sure my ex thinks about me, but it's not to the point where she REALLY has too. Maybe she'll text me when she's bored out of her mind..

[ShannonMI]

The dumpers are def. hurting less. I would like to think also some dumpers are sad that the relationship ended. If it wasn't a crazy, messy, major drama type of relationship. I would think if you are part of someone's life for a significant amount of time and then it ends, even if it's by your choice, you gotta be somewhat sad, right? If the relationship ended because you just weren't right for each other and there wasn't some tramatic end, then they have to be feeling some sadness. Is that just wishful thinking? I don't know. The dumpers don't feel the perpetual, all consuming sadness that the dumpees feel, but i'm sure they feel something. There has to be some guilt as well especially if they know they really broke someone's heart. If they caused a lot of emotional pain to someone. Anyone who doesn't feel at least some guilt is a heartless pr*ck.

[skydiveaddict]

Dumpers have no more feelings for you at all. That is why you got dumped. If they call and say they miss you don't believe a word of it. They are just trying to displace guilt for having hurt you. It's a selfish defense mechanism, nothing more

Edited August 20, 2010 by skydiveaddict

[LostInTurn]

The answer to this question is different based on the scenario in which the relationship ended:

 

If there was fighting, issues along the way.

 

Was there a fight that pushed someone to make a hasty decision in which they just need time.

 

Have the two been distant for awhile and grew apart.

 

Many scenarios, all with different answers. I think in our hearts, we know if the dumper associated with our scenario is hurting or not. Our hearts know.

[9Lives]

The answer to this question is different based on the scenario in which the relationship ended:

 

If there was fighting, issues along the way.

 

Was there a fight that pushed someone to make a hasty decision in which they just need time.

 

Have the two been distant for awhile and grew apart.

 

Many scenarios, all with different answers. I think in our hearts, we know if the dumper associated with our scenario is hurting or not. Our hearts know.

 

I know that even tho my ex broke up with me that he thinks about me. he told me that once before that he may be doing something and it will cause him to think of me. sometimes the ex is indeed relieved to see u go but sometimes they may not be so happy about it either. I'm sure they are not hurting as much as the dumpee but if u was a decent person for the most part, u will cross their mind. sometimes they may regret their decision. sometimes they may want to see or hear your voice..and some simply don't give a damm too. IT ALL DEPENDS ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP.

 

every ex I have had always wanted to come back but each time it was too late cause I was into someone else and I didn't see them the same. I start to think about everything u did or didn't do to make the relationship fail.

 

so that's my input

[TheLoneSock]

I've been thinking, what about the dumpers? Since they initiated the breakup, aren't they hurting less than we are to say the least? What does their support network tell them? What are they told to do in order to "cope" with the breakup? Do they even have to do anything at all?

 

I've been on both ends. Being the dumpee hurts more, I can tell you that. But as the dumper you still feel pain, and it's pain of a different kind. It's the pain of regret and doubting your decision, plus a good chunk of pain of loss (what the dumpee feels). It's a mixed bag but no side is safe when it comes to a relationship ending. I still think about girls I have broken up with as well as girls that have ended it with me, all the time - it's human nature.

 

To put it into perspective I've ended 2 serious relationships, and I've been broken up with in another serious relationship.

Edited August 20, 2010 by TheLoneSock
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[flyguy23]

I don't think mine feels anything at all for me, she doesn't show it at all. Not even a text. Makes me feel even worse

[PrettyPoppy]

I'm not sure black and white questions reveal anything close to the truth. Basically, both have some sort of pain, unless one person is disordered, whereby they have a life of relationship problems, which they don't understand.

But with those who are not horrifically afflicted, most people want happy relationships that work. This is doubly so for those over 30 who are often looking to marry/breed etc.

So let's move out of resentment and see who is the dumped and dumpee? Well a dumper can be a wife of an alcoholic who can't abuse herself anymore, a dumpee can be a loyal guy with a girlfriend with horrible intimacy fears. Basically everyone is a loser and a potential winner.

The winner's are those who can deal with the process and end up looking in the mirror. We all have stuff we didn't do well, we all have stuff we need to work on..both sides are human beings, who are flawed like everyone is.

So I'm not seeing what is productive getting all self righteous about what side you were on. Maybe it helps to stop engaging, sure, but in the end, it is only part of the path, not the destination.

Pain sucks, for everyone. Having your hopes dashed sucks for everyone too.

It's a great opportunity to learn a great deal about oneself... if you move forward into the responsibility for your life part.

[You Go Girl]

So let's move out of resentment and see who is the dumped and dumpee? Well a dumper can be a wife of an alcoholic who can't abuse herself anymore, The winner's are those who can deal with the process and end up looking in the mirror. We all have stuff we didn't do well, we all have stuff we need to work on..both sides are human beings, who are flawed like everyone is.

So I'm not seeing what is productive getting all self righteous about what side you were on. Maybe it helps to stop engaging, sure, but in the end, it is only part of the path, not the destination.

Pain sucks, for everyone. Having your hopes dashed sucks for everyone too.

It's a great opportunity to learn a great deal about oneself... if you move forward into the responsibility for your life part.

 

The underlined above, for starters.

My break-up pain has lasted 6 years.

So who's was worse?

I'm not sure he even feels his to this day...a new denial to add to the stack.

[Silvio]

Im in the group that says that dont feel much pain or guilt at all. I think its relief and excitement about a potential new mate that is the most likely thing the dumper feels.

 

What hurts the most for me is the fact that I considered her to be my soulmate. We both said that at least a thousand times. Now I can pour out my soul to her and get this 1000 yard stare in return. Its a coldness that I see in her that scares me so much. The betrayal of trust is the most painful part to me.

 

She feels nothing it seems. I dont think I will ever trust another soul as long as I live. If she turned on me then everyone is suspect in my mind. I hate her for what she has done.

[Dazzel]

Those who perform the dumping aren't always in less pain. In my two failed relationships, I was the one who broke it off.

 

I was extremely sad it wouldn't work out. I tried my hardest. I was being treated very poorly by my first boyfriend. I wanted to stay with him really bad as I did enjoy the good moments. He was very verbally and emotionally abusive. He interpreted all my attempts at helping him as vindictive criticism. I was feeling sad to go through the lonliness and missing him, but I knew it was the best for myself. And even though he was cruel to me, I pitied him because his personality is so rotten I am confident he will have a very hard time finding anyone else, if he ever does. He had a brain codition that wasn't his fault, but I believe that even if he did't have that condition he would still be a cruel and cold person. It's just his personality. I hurt a long time after this one. It took a lot of thinking and careful consideration to decide to finally put an end to it.

 

My second boyfriend only lasted a little bit. I didn't care for him but I felt really guilty dumping him because I know he was really into me. I am sure he got more hurt than I did by far, but I knew I was hurting him and that was a painful feeling.

[PrettyPoppy]

Sounds like some good (difficult) choices Dazzle.

I'm still wondering how anyone can generalize, even if just for the point of discussion?

 

I'm also not understanding how this helps anyone. Is there really a ranking of who deserves to be hurt? What is the criteria for "legitimate pain"? Is there a ranking?

 

Ok, I'll start, I think my pain and discomfort is pretty legitimate.

Can anyone say they feel differently about theirs?

I think in most but the most Lunatic humans a breakup is full of sorrow and pain. It is a time of learning, difficult decisions and change that can seem daunting. I don't want to try and speculate the validity of anyone's suffering based on how they handle or don't handle it.

[kristinpea1979]

Yes and no.

 

You see, more often then not, a breakup isn't initiated in haste. Usually the dumper has had some time to weigh out the pros and cons of the relationship before it finally gets to you. By the time they're finally saying something, they've already coped w the idea of not having you around. Sometimes it can take months-and in that time they may hang out and continue the relationship for whatever reason; they want to see if things change, they love you too much, or they're too damn cowardly to say something in the first place. I'm sure this is why it can seem like they're so heartless to dump you 'out of the blue'. Once the breakup finally happens, they've mentally processed the loss and moved on. If they're even talking to their friends about the relationship, rest assured that tho the friends may not have painted you as the devil, they're being supportive of their friend's decision to leave and probably saying negative things about you. Bottom line is they've already grieved in some way or another...unfortunately, we're the ones who actually do the grieving.

 

This describes me and my breakup to a T. I knew it would end about 3 months ago...prior to that I had my doubts about the relationship, but over the last 3 months I had time to reflect, to process, and I partly held up hope that maybe he'd change without my nagging him to (we had MANY differences and disagreements on his lifestyle choices - pot smoking, no goals, etc). We lived together and I knew we weren't moving out until last week, so I waited. It gave me time to realize that the relationship truly wasn't for me. I became distant, wasn't as affectionate, and was doing a lot of pretending. I was not happy inside, but he seemed oblivious, which is why when I finally told him how I felt and that it was over, he responded as if I was dropping a bomb on him. I am sure there are better ways of handling it, but he hated to talk, especially if it was about him or his faults. He'd become angry and defensive, and nothing would be accomplished. I had time to adjust to my decision and I know it was the right one. He is texting and calling and begging, and I do feel pangs of guilt. He said I abandoned him and that he'd never do that to me, but he doesn't see all the pain he put me through by not being willing to change for the better. He sees what I have done as way worse, and I can't do much to change his perspective. I do feel bad, but I will not let the guilt talk me into going back into an un-fulfilling relationship.

[LosingitAll]

Im in the group that says that dont feel much pain or guilt at all. I think its relief and excitement about a potential new mate that is the most likely thing the dumper feels.

 

What hurts the most for me is the fact that I considered her to be my soulmate. We both said that at least a thousand times. Now I can pour out my soul to her and get this 1000 yard stare in return. Its a coldness that I see in her that scares me so much. The betrayal of trust is the most painful part to me.

 

She feels nothing it seems. I dont think I will ever trust another soul as long as I live. If she turned on me then everyone is suspect in my mind. I hate her for what she has done.

 

This sounds much like my situation. If the dumper feels pain they have a better way of hiding it.