Overcoming Fear of Commitment

[Lovebird]

Fear of commitment anyone. Any guys out there who had this fear, met a special woman and were able to overcome this problem. Any ladies who had a guy like this finally commit to her? How did you guys do it? What made the difference?

 

My guy loves me but is afraid if we live together he can't get used to seeing the same person every day. He has lived alone for many years after being divorced. We both are comfortable with alone time and would know how to give each other space, but he is still afraid. Otherwise, every part of our relationship is wonderful and we always enjoy each other's company.

 

We are taking a break after a year, to try to think if some kind of compromise will work. I would like to live with him eventually, but am willing to give him more time, if it would help. Sure could use some advice while I am thinking.

[The flower girl]

Why can things not just go on with how there are with no pressure?

There is no rush, or rules on how fast things progress. I would not be happy about that too!

 

When I met my current bf - now of ten months I had not had a real bf in over a year, and when I did begin seeing someone I would finished it as soon as they seemed committed because that was just not what I wanted! (poor men lol)

 

The way I committed was by meeting a guy who lives 200 miles away from me, it was perfect! We see eachother at weekend and we get our space in the week, so we never get bord. And that is how I done it.

 

 

Anyway I know that sounds weird, but it really worked for me, and I would recommend lots of space to anyone to keep you keen!

[The flower girl]

Oh yes — before I go — why have a break? I fink that's a really bad idea, your probs wont go away, and will still be there when you get back, not only that, you will both be upset incase the other person meets or fools around while your on a break. Remember what they say ------ 'wise men learn from others faults, fools there own!"

[Arabess]

People who have a 'fear of commitment' have much more to struggle with than just the thought of not wanting to see the same person for the rest of their lives. There are layers of fears and apprehensions which can cause a person not to want to commit beyond the point of where they are sure they can deliver.

 

Depending on what may have happened to cause them to feel this way is probably related to how strongly or how long they will continue to follow a life of limiting what they will give themselves to.

 

They don't love any less....they just don't make promises which they may have to retract.....nor do they want those promises retracted on them.

 

Pushing them....will only push them away. Even when they WANT to commit...their heart just won't let them.

 

It's not so much a 'love' problem....as a 'philosophy on live in general' problem. More importantly, to the person who is avoiding the commitment....there is no problem at all! They think they are right and have no understanding on how someone can go in and out of relationships so casually. Speaking words of 'forever'...then walking away and moving on to the next relationship is something they cannot conceive and have no intention of ever doing. So...they hold out...and wait...and wait....and wait. LOL!

 

I am one of those people.

[Lovebird]

All these answers say don't push. Yes, the problems will still be there after the break. But sometimes you need time to think, to determine if it is worth not seeing them or accepting them for their limitations. Should I just give up like you all seem to suggest? What about therapy?

 

I can wait for my guy to be ready, but when he says he will probably never be ready, then I have to believe him. I have been in counseling to get over a difficult divorce. I have worked hard over the past two years to be able to love again. I do not understand why people just say "poor me" and "I want to but I just can't". He said if he could ever live with anyone it would be me because he loves me very much and we have something special. He was married many years ago, and like many of us, it didn't work out.

 

Shouldn't he want to try to make it work. If it doesn't work, at least we tried. We didn't give up without really knowing. Everyone feels anxiety when they get very close to another. You have a choice of whether to escape or work through it.

It has been a week since the break and I have not heard from him. I will wait for him to contact me. I do not want to push him anymore.

[Arabess]

I don't think you have to give up....just give him time. It's the pushing and the ultimatum which will cause him to realize his worst fears....a loss of personal choice and freedom.

 

I would doubt that by you saying..we will either do this MY way or NO way....is going to get him to come around.

 

I do understand your feelings here....and it HAS to be frutrating as hell.....but is it really a situation of all or nothing with you?

[Lovebird]

Thank you Arabess for giving me some hope. We do have so much special between us. It's just when he says he doesn't think he can ever live with me that I get scared. I don't want to be just a weekend date 5 years from now.

 

I have tried to give him time and not put pressure on him. He says it is not me but him. His parents divorced and abandoned him and his sister to relatives as a child. Maybe he is afraid if he commits to me, I will eventually abandon him.

 

I miss him and love him. But it seems that everything must be on his terms. When he sees me, when he calls, when he doesn't want to see me, etc. I only asked him if we could see more of each other. Even another day during the week. I don't see how that is all or nothing at all. He doesn't even want to compromise. He tried it twice - and enjoyed the time, but got scared and backed away.

 

What are you holding out for and waiting for. What do you think he is waiting for?