Is affair sex different than any other sex?

[White Flower]

I'm a tart-add me to the list! I'm the wh*re in the bedroom and lady on the streets kind of gal!

Me tooooooo:love:

 

Ok, I have a question....

 

If the MP had brilliant, passionate, mind-blowing sex with their AP, nothing like they have ever or ever will have with their H/W, how does that help hold the "reconciled" marriage together?

 

Intimacy, touch, passion, emotion and affection is so important, it's part of what and who you are, it's not something you can just make up and act out easily, especially if you were not that way prior...

As I stated on another thread, MM asked his IC if real intimacy can be obtained after never having had it after 40 years and her answer was absolutely not--if it was never there before you'll never have it now. I think the poor guy just wishes it could happen because staying M is so much easier but he knows he'll never have it with her.

[YellowShark]

I'm a tart-add me to the list! I'm the wh*re in the bedroom and lady on the streets kind of gal!

Me tooooooo:love:

 

Well now that I am single... What you two doing this Friday night!

[jennie-jennie]

Ok, I have a question....

 

If the MP had brilliant, passionate, mind-blowing sex with their AP, nothing like they have ever or ever will have with their H/W, how does that help hold the "reconciled" marriage together?

 

Intimacy, touch, passion, emotion and affection is so important, it's part of what and who you are, it's not something you can just make up and act out easily, especially if you were not that way prior...

 

I presume that it why the BSs need to minimize the "brilliant, passionate, mind-blowing sex" their spouses had with their AP into "affair-sex". How else can they live with it?

[September]

I'm a tart-add me to the list! I'm the wh*re in the bedroom and lady on the streets kind of gal!

 

Me tooooooo:love:

 

I would love to be a "whore in the bedroom" again, it's been a while! Starting to forget what it's like...he he

[White Flower]

Well now that I am single... What you two doing this Friday night!

Where do you live Buckaroo?

[September]

I presume that it why the BSs need to minimize the "brilliant, passionate, mind-blowing sex" their spouses had with their AP into "affair-sex". How else can they live with it?

 

I have no idea how they live with it. All of those memories would be very hard to forget. My MM told me that (apparently) he and his w didn't passionately kiss. He adored kissing while making love and couldn't get enough.

 

How do they then stop themselves from wanting to do all the newly learned things they did with their AP with their BS?

[jennie-jennie]

I have no idea how they live with it. All of those memories would be very hard to forget. My MM told me that (apparently) he and his w didn't passionately kiss. He adored kissing while making love and couldn't get enough.

 

How do they then stop themselves from wanting to do all the newly learned things they did with their AP with their BS?

 

This is how Alberoni describes it in his book Sex and Love:

 

The person in love who decides to do without his new love for others’ sake (an altruistic relinquishing) is, however, headed for emotional disaster. After atrocious suffering and reaching the point of an irreparable split-up, this individual will no longer feel any emotion of any sort but just a painful aridness, as if he or she has been turned into stone. Such people wander about like phantoms. The husband or wife who has gained back a spouse in this way is merely taking home the ghost of the other’s former self. A ghost that has killed off his or her own capacity for love. Irony has it, however, that this haunted ex-lover will eventually go desperately in search for new love again. Some people in this situation may even have the impression of finding such a thing. But the love that they made die inside them is like an invisible illness which suddenly gains potency again, bringing on a sense of disenchantment, bitterness, and emptiness.

[September]

This is how Alberoni describes it in his book Sex and Love:

 

Thank you, In my situation I feel it's hauntingly true for both he and I...

[Fallen Angel]

This is how Alberoni describes it in his book Sex and Love:

The person in love who decides to do without his new love for others’ sake (an altruistic relinquishing) is, however, headed for emotional disaster. After atrocious suffering and reaching the point of an irreparable split-up, this individual will no longer feel any emotion of any sort but just a painful aridness, as if he or she has been turned into stone. Such people wander about like phantoms. The husband or wife who has gained back a spouse in this way is merely taking home the ghost of the other’s former self. A ghost that has killed off his or her own capacity for love. Irony has it, however, that this haunted ex-lover will eventually go desperately in search for new love again. Some people in this situation may even have the impression of finding such a thing. But the love that they made die inside them is like an invisible illness which suddenly gains potency again, bringing on a sense of disenchantment, bitterness, and emptiness.

 

The few times that I tried to go NC with my sweetheart this is how he described himself when breaking NC. He said he was unable to eat, sleep, think clearly, work proficiently, etc. etc. He stated that he felt dead inside. That his body functioned but that his mind felt like a zombie. No clear thoughts, no emotion other than over-whelming sadness. He said that he felt empty. That without me in his life he felt that he had nothing left in him to offer the world.

Edited August 23, 2010 by Fallen Angel

[OWoman]

I'm wondering if APs who had amazing sex, married and lived together every day for 20 years, if the sex would still be as "amazing," or would the everyday availability and familiarity take it's toll? They say familiarity breeds contempt. And I think you never know someone in quite the same way until you've lived with them for years. Contempt might be too strong a word, bur I read on LS how the MM who has been married for many years, says "things have changed between them and their W". Am just wondering if this would happen in any relationship, or if some of the A thrill is in part because the daily humdrum of 20 years or so has not had a chance to take it's toll?

 

I mean, even if you put a lot of effort into keeping things revved up, as YS spoke of, I would think that after a while, the relationship would change. Hopefully, the closeness and intimacy and security of a long-term relationship would make up for the "thrill of the new and exciting." But I have wondered sometimes if that is what happens in a lot of marriages, and if it would be the same if the APs married and stayed together for years. Would the sex still be just as exciting? Or would it turn into a different kind of relationship.

 

I'd really be interested in responses from people who have been married to their AP for 20 years or more.

 

My father and his fOW meet your criteria. And no - I don't discuss my father's sex life with him but I am very close to his W and one night we were out drinking with friends and she mentioned how it just keeps getting better and better! They are together pretty much around the clock, and have spent every single night together apart from two nights he spent in hospital during all those years. She is a good bit younger than he is, and "keeps him young", and they're more in love than ever!

[OWoman]

Different to whom?

 

IME, it's no different at all. I've been shagging the same man now for - I forget how many years - exclusively, and the status of the R (from A, to R, to M) has made no difference to the quality or quantity of the sex.

 

But for my H, yes, A sex certainly was VERY different to M sex with his 1st W. If you asked him during the A whether A sex was different to M sex, he would have agreed vehemently... because his experience of M sex to date (with his then-W) was so very very different to what we shared. Now that he's been M to me for long enough to know that M sex need not be that lifeless coupling that they had, his response would be different. But that's because he's had the experience of having the same woman in different contexts, to know that its the partner that makes the difference, not the status ascribed by others to the R.

 

I react to the constant statement, made especially by BSs, that affair sex has some kind of special intensity. To me the first year with any man has special intensity. It is the falling in love phase which lends this characteristic to sex in the start-up of any relationship. Once the relationship stabilizes and becomes a long term relationship, this special intensity is gone, hopefully transformed into a for both partners satisfying sex life.

 

My H and I have been together for about 6 years, with more than two of those full-time. The intensity shows no sign of decreasing, even though the R "stabilised" a long tie ago. But then, I guess, our R didn't follow any kind of "initial faling in love" phase. The love came later.

[jennie-jennie]

This is how Alberoni describes it in his book Sex and Love:

 

So how does Alberoni's description of emotional disaster compare to the descriptions of successful reconciliations?

 

My own personal experience is that reconciliation including a good sex life is possible if the extramarital relationship has died/dies of its own account, ie it is not an altruistic relinquishing of the extramarital relationship but in fact a selfish relinquishing.

 

It just goes to show once again that love for a partner needs to be selfish, not altruistic, if the marriage/relationship is going to be a good one.

[jennie-jennie]

My H and I have been together for about 6 years, with more than two of those full-time. The intensity shows no sign of decreasing, even though the R "stabilised" a long tie ago. But then, I guess, our R didn't follow any kind of "initial faling in love" phase. The love came later.

 

Sounds nice. :love:

 

I tend to agree with Fallen Angel that our sex life only gets better. While that intense hormonal rush from the first year or two is gone, the intimacy and knowledge of each other has deepened. And being both of us have a strong and matching libido, our sex life is goooood.

[OWoman]

It just goes to show once again that love for a partner needs to be selfish, not altruistic, if the marriage/relationship is going to be a good one.

 

I imagine in many cases it is both - an element of altruism ("staying for the kids", or "making the best of it for the sake of the family", or however it gets presented) and an element of selfishness (staying for "comfort" reasons, or financial reasons, or reputational ones, or something else that the WS would find hard to give up in order to be with the AP). I suspect that those are more complicated than when it is simply one or another.

[Confused4Now]

I imagine in many cases it is both - an element of altruism ("staying for the kids", or "making the best of it for the sake of the family", or however it gets presented) and an element of selfishness (staying for "comfort" reasons, or financial reasons, or reputational ones, or something else that the WS would find hard to give up in order to be with the AP). I suspect that those are more complicated than when it is simply one or another.

I agree with this....I also think they also bounce from each one depending how they feel either way. WS has one or many reasons... Either way it's doesn't matter they are going to stay put till there are no more excuses to stay.