Is affair sex different than any other sex?

[wheelwright]

So so true.

 

That is why so many people take the risk in having an A I think. Why go get what you can get at home? They're looking for something deeper, something more, something more than, 'Is this all there is' as brought up on another thread.

 

This is true EVEN for serial cheaters (and I'm not bashing you WW:cool:). Most SCs don't even know what they're looking for until they find it, if they ever find it. They think they're just looking for variety, and they ARE looking for variety, they just don't know that INTIMACY is the variable that is missing. Until, of course, they find it.

 

Then no more serial cheating. Not wanting to get off-topic, just hoping to add another layer to it.

 

Thank you for not bashing!

 

Yeah, the intimacy is good. It makes it. It's being in each other's heads, and wanting to be there, and finding it smooth and easy to be there.

 

And having sex at the same time.

 

My French friend constantly criticises us Brits for talking about the phrase 'having sex': you f*** or you make love.

 

You can do either well or badly, and happily you can do both at the same time.

Edited August 22, 2010 by wheelwright
phrasing

[jennie-jennie]

My French friend constantly criticises us Brits for talking about the phrase 'having sex': you f*** or you make love.

 

You can do either well or badly, and happily you can do both at the same time.

 

That is exactly what my MM found out with me. He had divided women into those you **** and those you make love to. With me he realized you can do both at the same time!

[kis]

I react to the constant statement, made especially by BSs, that affair sex has some kind of special intensity. To me the first year with any man has special intensity. It is the falling in love phase which lends this characteristic to sex in the start-up of any relationship. Once the relationship stabilizes and becomes a long term relationship, this special intensity is gone, hopefully transformed into a for both partners satisfying sex life.

 

I do understand that for some WSs the secrecy and taboo of the affair relationship adds to the intensity even after the first year. For many though the secrecy and taboo is instead a negative characteristic of the relationship, certainly not an aphrodisiac, but something which adds guilt to the relationship.

 

Just a thought, could it be that those who find that the affair character adds to the intensity are indeed in the affair for sex only, while the others are in it mainly for love?

 

So OW/OM and WSs, what is your experience, does the fact that it is affair sex make the sex different than any other sex? Short term? In the long run?

 

Note that the question is posed to people who have first-hand experience of being involved in an extramarital relationship.

 

One thing to consider. Affairs would never happen in the first place if the two people didnt have a strong attraction or chemistry between them. this to me is the most important ingrediant to awsome sex.

[White Flower]

Thank you for not bashing!

 

Yeah, the intimacy is good. It makes it. It's being in each other's heads, and wanting to be there, and finding it smooth and easy to be there.

 

And having sex at the same time.

 

My French friend constantly criticises us Brits for talking about the phrase 'having sex': you f*** or you make love.

 

You can do either well or badly, and happily you can do both at the same time.

 

That is exactly what my MM found out with me. He had divided women into those you **** and those you make love to. With me he realized you can do both at the same time!

Count me in for an agreement!

[GreenEyedLady]

I personally think that A sex is just same as married sex. :-)

 

I guess I just got lucky...I married the man who knocked my socks off in bed...

 

GEL

[White Flower]

I personally think that A sex is just same as married sex. :-)

 

I guess I just got lucky...I married the man who knocked my socks off in bed...

 

GEL

Only difference is M sex is more acc sex able:love::love:

[MorningCoffee]

The second A, the sex was off the scale. From the offset.

 

But that's because we totally wanted each other, body and soul. And we were ready to experience that with each other. . . . I would say, that if you both totally want the other body and soul, then the sex will be, (um, which euphenism?) mind-blowing.

. . .

But this is only possible when the particular dynamic is already very much there. The body and soul thing.

 

Totally agree. My experience exactly. The reason it is all so amazing is that this only happened once before and I was fortunate enough to be married to that person for a long time. M long over, then when the same transcendence presented itself in my R with my fMW/AP, I was "all-in." It was the "body and soul thing," not illicitness, that made the difference.

[White Flower]

Totally agree. My experience exactly. The reason it is all so amazing is that this only happened once before and I was fortunate enough to be married to that person for a long time. M long over, then when the same transcendence presented itself in my R with my fMW/AP, I was "all-in." It was the "body and soul thing," not illicitness, that made the difference.

Nice post, especially coming from a man.

 

And love the username. I couldn't wake up without my morning coffee.

[JustJoe]

Jennie, for me and my GF, the sexual intensity has only increased since her divorce and our relationship changing from an affair to a more"normal", BF-GF relationship. We are, at last, free to express our love for each other openly and honestly. We talked about it the other night, and both agree that the freedom to love, to openly communicate our most intimate desires and feelings, adds immeasurably to the sexual energy we have for each other. Instead of guilt, shame and sadness, we now have hope, love and bliss. She told me that she wants to die in my arms, who could ask more of sex than that?

[BB07]

Jennie, for me and my GF, the sexual intensity has only increased since her divorce and our relationship changing from an affair to a more"normal", BF-GF relationship. We are, at last, free to express our love for each other openly and honestly. We talked about it the other night, and both agree that the freedom to love, to openly communicate our most intimate desires and feelings, adds immeasurably to the sexual energy we have for each other. Instead of guilt, shame and sadness, we now have hope, love and bliss. She told me that she wants to die in my arms, who could ask more of sex than that?

 

 

Congrats JustJoe, I'm glad things are going so well for you. Keep it going.

[JustJoe]

Thank you, BBO7. Things have gone very well indeed, but it has been a team effort, and I think we make a great team.:D

[Summer Breeze]

Count me in for an agreement!

 

I'm a tart-add me to the list! I'm the wh*re in the bedroom and lady on the streets kind of gal!

[jennie-jennie]

Jennie, for me and my GF, the sexual intensity has only increased since her divorce and our relationship changing from an affair to a more"normal", BF-GF relationship. We are, at last, free to express our love for each other openly and honestly. We talked about it the other night, and both agree that the freedom to love, to openly communicate our most intimate desires and feelings, adds immeasurably to the sexual energy we have for each other. Instead of guilt, shame and sadness, we now have hope, love and bliss. She told me that she wants to die in my arms, who could ask more of sex than that?

 

That is so wonderful. What a testimony to the love you two have for each other, and how it now can thrive in the openness. I am so happy for the two of you.

[OpenBook]

In my experience, no - sex was just as fabulous, transcendental, etc. with my H as it was with my MM.

 

Sex is sex. It can manifest in many ways, from a deep spiritual bonding experience to an exercise not unlike farting (a bodily function).

 

But in and of itself, it has no significance in the grand scheme of things.

[Fieldsofgold]

I'm wondering if APs who had amazing sex, married and lived together every day for 20 years, if the sex would still be as "amazing," or would the everyday availability and familiarity take it's toll? They say familiarity breeds contempt. And I think you never know someone in quite the same way until you've lived with them for years. Contempt might be too strong a word, bur I read on LS how the MM who has been married for many years, says "things have changed between them and their W". Am just wondering if this would happen in any relationship, or if some of the A thrill is in part because the daily humdrum of 20 years or so has not had a chance to take it's toll?

 

I mean, even if you put a lot of effort into keeping things revved up, as YS spoke of, I would think that after a while, the relationship would change. Hopefully, the closeness and intimacy and security of a long-term relationship would make up for the "thrill of the new and exciting." But I have wondered sometimes if that is what happens in a lot of marriages, and if it would be the same if the APs married and stayed together for years. Would the sex still be just as exciting? Or would it turn into a different kind of relationship.

 

I'd really be interested in responses from people who have been married to their AP for 20 years or more.

[jennie-jennie]

I'm wondering if APs who had amazing sex, married and lived together every day for 20 years, if the sex would still be as "amazing," or would the everyday availability and familiarity take it's toll? They say familiarity breeds contempt. And I think you never know someone in quite the same way until you've lived with them for years. Contempt might be too strong a word, bur I read on LS how the MM who has been married for many years, says "things have changed between them and their W". Am just wondering if this would happen in any relationship, or if some of the A thrill is in part because the daily humdrum of 20 years or so has not had a chance to take it's toll?

 

I mean, even if you put a lot of effort into keeping things revved up, as YS spoke of, I would think that after a while, the relationship would change. Hopefully, the closeness and intimacy and security of a long-term relationship would make up for the "thrill of the new and exciting." But I have wondered sometimes if that is what happens in a lot of marriages, and if it would be the same if the APs married and stayed together for years. Would the sex still be just as exciting? Or would it turn into a different kind of relationship.

 

I'd really be interested in responses from people who have been married to their AP for 20 years or more.

 

Well, I haven't been married to my MM for 20 years or more. But I have had two long term common-law marriages, one for 5 years and one for 25 years, and I have now been with my MM for close to 5 years.

 

In all three relationships, the first year was the most intense. Subsequent years the sex continued to be good, the attraction and chemistry strong, sex never became boring and routine. So since I continue to have amazing sex with any partner long term in day-to-day life, why would I not with the MM?

[Fallen Angel]

The number of ways that a man's body can physically connect with a woman's body are finite (unless you decide to add mulitple, simultaneous sexual partners to the mix, in which case there are still physical limitations to what can be acheieved.) so the sexual acts that are possible for the affair couple are the same sexual acts that are possible for any couple.

 

It is not the combination of bodies (ie the affair couple) per se that make for great affair sex. It is, I think, the mental and emotional connection between the couple that makes sex great.

 

I think that in a lot of affairs the sex is "great sex" because the couple have found someone that they connect with on a mental and emotional level that they have not before experienced.

 

In my relationship with my sweetheart, we have "routine" sex. We have been together long enough that most of the experiementation is over. I know what pleases him, he knows what pleases me, and we know what is a tunr on, and what is a turn off for each other. So sex is a "routine" sort of dance that we do knowing exactly what works for us each to get the most pleasure.

 

While it is routine, it is not boring. It is great sex.

 

When we first became sexually involved it was sometimes awkward, as we had to learn by trial and error what worked for us; so I would say that sex between us has improved from what we had in the beginning.

 

It has always been great though, because of the emotional connection we shared long before we ever shared a physical connection. I think that if we were to lose that strong mental/emotional connection then the same "routine but amazing" sex we have now would become simply routine sex.

 

I think that is true of any relationship.

 

Because the parties involved are only able to connect physically in a finite number of ways the true key to "mind-blowing" sex is all about the mental/emotional connection shared by the parties involved.

 

I think if more couples would focus on strong communication skills rather than an attempt to learn new sexual techniques, then they could restore their "routine and boring" sex lives to "routine and amazing" sex lives without having to try to hang upside down from the ceiling, blindfolded while wearing ball-gags and nipple clamps in order to spice things up.

 

Great sex is 95 percent mental, and only 5 percent physical in my opinion.

 

But, that is just my opinion.

[Fieldsofgold]

The number of ways that a man's body can physically connect with a woman's body are finite (unless you decide to add mulitple, simultaneous sexual partners to the mix, in which case there are still physical limitations to what can be acheieved.) so the sexual acts that are possible for the affair couple are the same sexual acts that are possible for any couple.

 

It is not the combination of bodies (ie the affair couple) per se that make for great affair sex. It is, I think, the mental and emotional connection between the couple that makes sex great.

 

I think that in a lot of affairs the sex is "great sex" because the couple have found someone that they connect with on a mental and emotional level that they have not before experienced.

 

In my relationship with my sweetheart, we have "routine" sex. We have been together long enough that most of the experiementation is over. I know what pleases him, he knows what pleases me, and we know what is a tunr on, and what is a turn off for each other. So sex is a "routine" sort of dance that we do knowing exactly what works for us each to get the most pleasure.

 

While it is routine, it is not boring. It is great sex.

 

When we first became sexually involved it was sometimes awkward, as we had to learn by trial and error what worked for us; so I would say that sex between us has improved from what we had in the beginning.

 

It has always been great though, because of the emotional connection we shared long before we ever shared a physical connection. I think that if we were to lose that strong mental/emotional connection then the same "routine but amazing" sex we have now would become simply routine sex.

 

I think that is true of any relationship.

 

Because the parties involved are only able to connect physically in a finite number of ways the true key to "mind-blowing" sex is all about the mental/emotional connection shared by the parties involved.

 

I think if more couples would focus on strong communication skills rather than an attempt to learn new sexual techniques, then they could restore their "routine and boring" sex lives to "routine and amazing" sex lives without having to try to hang upside down from the ceiling, blindfolded while wearing ball-gags and nipple clamps in order to spice things up.

 

Great sex is 95 percent mental, and only 5 percent physical in my opinion.

 

But, that is just my opinion.

 

I like your post. It has the ring of truth to it. I'm guessing that what happens to M couples' sex life is that the mental/emotional R breaks down, hurts and misunderstanding build up, respect for each other diminishes, and over time, because of all these things, the sex R erodes. Just my guess. Your post explained it better than I could.

[Summer Breeze]

It amazes me that 2 people can share the act of sex. They can be naked and do all sorts of lovely things to each other and they still can't sit and have a conversation about it.

 

If you can't talk about sex, the most intimate part of a relationship, what chance does anything else have for discussion?

[YellowShark]

It amazes me that 2 people can share the act of sex. They can be naked and do all sorts of lovely things to each other and they still can't sit and have a conversation about it.

 

EXACTLY.

 

Additionally, when people complain that "their sex life sucks with their partner," (and they end up having an affair), why the f**k did they become a couple in the first place if sex with their partner sucks?

 

I wouldn't even entertain the thought of a relationship if the sex sucks.

[BB07]

EXACTLY.

 

Additionally, when people complain that "their sex life sucks with their partner," (and they end up having an affair), why the f**k did they become a couple in the first place if sex with their partner sucks?

 

I wouldn't even entertain the thought of a relationship if the sex sucks.

 

 

Have you saw this thread?

 

This OP didn't like what I said, which your statement above pretty much sums it up. So she said..I'm projecting my bitterness upon her. :p

 

She loves her b/f, but the sex sucks, but she has the hots for some other guy, but she doesn't get the danger she is in, nor does she realize that you can't live with such a huge part of relationship being bad.

 

:rolleyes:I guess she didn't like my years of experience nor that I may know a little bit more about some things than she does, cause I've learned the hard way.

[YellowShark]

She loves her b/f, but the sex sucks, but she has the hots for some other guy, but she doesn't get the danger she is in, nor does she realize that you can't live with such a huge part of relationship being bad.

 

What she is doing is divesting emotion that should be reserved for the "man she loves" by having the hots for another man outside her relationship. I would recommend she talks with her boyfriend frankly and tell him that she is not happy sexually. Then they should EXPLORE ways to fix it. Sexual intimacy is a continuing process of discovery. True intimacy through communication is what makes sex great.

[Fieldsofgold]

What she is doing is divesting emotion that should be reserved for the "man she loves" by having the hots for another man outside her relationship. I would recommend she talks with her boyfriend frankly and tell him that she is not happy sexually. Then they should EXPLORE ways to fix it. Sexual intimacy is a continuing process of discovery. True intimacy through communication is what makes sex great.

 

Excellent post! Did you post this on that thread yet? Let me encourage you to do so.

[YellowShark]

Excellent post! Did you post this on that thread yet? Let me encourage you to do so.

 

Thanks for the compliment. These things I learned from two aspects of my last relationship:

 

1) Communication - My EX and I had a great sex life because we communicated and explored ways to always keep it fresh and exciting.

 

2) Divesting emotion - Sadly I learned this because of my EX's EA/PA with a scumball MM - who's currently cheating with my EX while his wife is pregnant with their first child.

[September]

Ok, I have a question....

 

If the MP had brilliant, passionate, mind-blowing sex with their AP, nothing like they have ever or ever will have with their H/W, how does that help hold the "reconciled" marriage together?

 

Intimacy, touch, passion, emotion and affection is so important, it's part of what and who you are, it's not something you can just make up and act out easily, especially if you were not that way prior...

Edited August 22, 2010 by September
oops