Normal reactions?

[BioGirlS]

Hi,

I started dating my now husband right out of college. We dated for 4 years and have been married for 2. He always drank alcohol, but I made the excuse that it was a "college" thing; we all had a bit too much every once in a while in those days. Except he never grew out of it. Since we've been married he would go out 1-2 times a week to a bar to play guitar and come home and anywhere between midnight and 4 am. Sometimes he'd just have had a couple beers, sometimes he could barely stand. I've told him so many times that this has to stop and he'll apologize, and be better for a while. It was almost like I could time the next binge...every 4 weeks or so. He'd get this look in his eye before he left the house. Several major events always made me think, "Ok, he's learned his lesson THIS time and will get help" but he never went more than a few days with therapy/AA/etc.

 

Finally about 6 weeks ago I started seeing a therapist and I told my husband that if he did not stop drinking I would leave. He at first agreed to couples therapy, then once I was making the appointments he didn't want to go telling me that I had to work on MY problems before he would work on OUR problems. I did get him to go to 1 session, but since he wasn't invested in it, it didn't do much. We were getting along better for a couple weeks. Then he went on another binge, came home and told me he wanted a divorce. That was 3 weeks ago.

 

For a week he missed me, but was "confused" about his feelings. For the second week he needed "time to work on things" but was hopful we could work things out and went to 5 AA meetings. The third week he went to maybe 1 or 2 AA meetings and has decided he isn't an alcoholic, blames me for all of his problems, won't speak to me, drained our bank account, and I have had friends tell me they think he was doing drugs. He informed me that since I had turned his family against him he would be filing divorce paperwork on Monday.

 

Are these normal reactions on his part? He has a family history of drug and alcohol abuse. I love him and am making him accountable for his behavior. I will not enable any more. In return I feel like he hates me. I no longer trust him (have caught him in lies and now question his truthfulness when I asked him questions before).

 

Is this behavior normal (for an addict)? Half of the time I feel like I'm crazy and seeing things that aren't there.

 

Thanks for your thoughts.

 

Sara

[2sunny]

Hi,

I started dating my now husband right out of college. We dated for 4 years and have been married for 2. He always drank alcohol, but I made the excuse that it was a "college" thing; we all had a bit too much every once in a while in those days. Except he never grew out of it. Since we've been married he would go out 1-2 times a week to a bar to play guitar and come home and anywhere between midnight and 4 am. Sometimes he'd just have had a couple beers, sometimes he could barely stand. I've told him so many times that this has to stop and he'll apologize, and be better for a while. It was almost like I could time the next binge...every 4 weeks or so. He'd get this look in his eye before he left the house. Several major events always made me think, "Ok, he's learned his lesson THIS time and will get help" but he never went more than a few days with therapy/AA/etc.

 

Finally about 6 weeks ago I started seeing a therapist and I told my husband that if he did not stop drinking I would leave. He at first agreed to couples therapy, then once I was making the appointments he didn't want to go telling me that I had to work on MY problems before he would work on OUR problems. I did get him to go to 1 session, but since he wasn't invested in it, it didn't do much. We were getting along better for a couple weeks. Then he went on another binge, came home and told me he wanted a divorce. That was 3 weeks ago.

 

For a week he missed me, but was "confused" about his feelings. For the second week he needed "time to work on things" but was hopful we could work things out and went to 5 AA meetings. The third week he went to maybe 1 or 2 AA meetings and has decided he isn't an alcoholic, blames me for all of his problems, won't speak to me, drained our bank account, and I have had friends tell me they think he was doing drugs. He informed me that since I had turned his family against him he would be filing divorce paperwork on Monday.

 

Are these normal reactions on his part? He has a family history of drug and alcohol abuse. I love him and am making him accountable for his behavior. I will not enable any more. In return I feel like he hates me. I no longer trust him (have caught him in lies and now question his truthfulness when I asked him questions before).

 

Is this behavior normal (for an addict)? Half of the time I feel like I'm crazy and seeing things that aren't there.

 

Thanks for your thoughts.

 

Sara

 

yes, it's normal for the active drinker/addict. and yes, it will make you think you're crazy.

 

al-anon meetings may help you. get educated on the disease, that should help too.

 

read co-dependent no more.

 

be grateful you haven't been riding this rollercoaster for 30+ years - some do...

[BioGirlS]

Thanks for your response. I've started going to Al Anon, but have only gone to the a few meetings. I haven't read co-dependent no more, but plan to soon. I have been reading some other articles though.

Thanks again.

[You Go Girl]

Once a month your guy gets drunk and he's an alcoholic? Huh? Am I missing something here?