Unrequited Best Friend Love

[kerouac]

I know this will be long and I apologize but I need to get this off my chest. I have know this girl for many years. She is my best friend in the world and we know everything about each other.

 

She was married when I met her, and we became very fast friends. Later on a year after she divorced we eventually dated and was an exciting wonderful relationship, then one day out of the blue she broke up with me. It was devastating, I did not talk to her for a long time. Eventually she called and we talked. She had ended going back to her ex. She was not happy but she did it for her and the kids and hoped it was working out. We talked on and off for a few months and everything in her life got so bad. He had gone back to drugs and alcohol and was making life unbearable. He had isolated her from everyone in her life and few would even talk to her. At this time I went into best friend mode and helped her find a way out. He hated me of course but I was not afraid of him. We came up with a way for her to leave and go to school so she could get on her feet and have a good life. He of course played mind games, which didnt work as well as it used to. As time came for her to move, her living situation feel through. We searched in vain but could not find a place she could afford, so I put my neck out again and told her I would be her roommate and could help her.

 

I was able to get her moved into a very nice home in a great neighborhood with awesome schools. Her kids which I love very much are happy and excited. They have been through so much in their lives. For the first time they all have stability and feel safe. I have the ex husband drama far away and will not let it effect this. As for me the living situation is great. We all have our own rooms and get along perfectly. My friend is in nursing school and at the top of her class. She is doing everything she set out to do. I am truly proud of her for all she has done. Her confidence and self esteem are growing everyday.

 

 

Now comes the hard part. We often joke that we have this funny married type relationship, for the most part we really do. We run the house like we are married and are always doing things to take the kids out for fun new things. It like family time all the time, and when the ex has the kids we go out on the town and have a great time. She has made it clear that she does not ever plan to date me again and we are just best friends. I have been perfectly fine with that not even giving it thought until recently. She was one of the loves in my life and the sudden breakup was something im not sure now i was ever able to get over. All she told me was that she didnt feel like she was in love with me anymore. Lately she has been wanting to go on dates. She asks me for dating advice etc.. I have given it like any friend would. Then last night she told me she was going on her first lunch date today. I was happy for her, then later in the night i began to think about it. It really hurts, I dont know what to do. I know she understands that I would probably date her again in a heartbeat. Am I just being used? I guess I feel that im good enough for everything else in her life but just not good enough to date. It is really hard hearing talking about this and that guy are attractive etc.. I just feel lost and wish I had someone close to talk to about this but I dont my oldest dearest friend is the one who is on the date and I dont know how to bring this up to her. I feel like I am trapped and in for a long road of sadness. I love her so much!! What do I do?

[Minnie09]

Since you came up with the question in your OP: Yes, you're being used.

She knows for sure that you're still pining for her, and yet she doesn't hesitate to ask you for dating advice. You probably babysit while she goes out, split the bills that she couldn't afford on her own, pay for her drinks when you're going out with her..... C'mon please! Do you get the picture?

 

When you dated, she broke it off with you (to go back to her ex?), so what are you still doing here?

 

The situation you guys are in benefits only her. Very convenient.

 

Do you have other friends?

 

Don't want to sound harsh, but I probably do: The whole situation reminds me of "doormat".

Edited August 21, 2010 by Minnie09

[kerouac]

I dont think you are too harsh. This whole thing is a much larger story. Needless to say she has been there for me many many times in our lives. However, you are correct on everything but babysitting I dont have to do that. This is a new town I moved to before she got here. I moved here for work and I dont have any good friends close by. So its pretty much her. I do not have a way to get out of this situation do to lease, commitments etc. Plus no matter how much I hated her I couldn't kick her kids out on the streets. Maybe she uses that against me, who knows but i am in so deep. I hate the fact I love her so.

[Minnie09]

So, you moved to a new town, because you got a job there, and she did, because she had to get a place to stay for herself and the kids?

How far away did she move from her hometown/exH? Does she have a job?

She is using you as a jumping board, and as soon as it works out for her with some other guy, she will be gone.

 

How old are you guys and how long have you known her?

[carhill]

Am I just being used?

 

Sure. She's a Hoover professional model. Any other questions?

 

One will be 'How could she be if she's been there for me many times in our lives?' Your post is silent on balance. Educate us. It doesn't change the fact that you're attracted to her and she's not attracted to you but it could get her out of Hooverville.

[kerouac]

Yes i moved back to a town I love after 10 years to a great job. Her ex is horrible and she needed to put some distance between them. She moved here which is about 5 hrs from her hometown. She was looking for a nursing school here even before we were talking again. My lease was up when her living situation fell thru. None of our living situation was premeditated, it just formed out of necessity. I want her to be able to stand on her own and she is really working hard towards that. I have known here for about 15 years. we are both in our 30's. I realize im old enough to know better, and I agree. Its just hard to turn back on the kids. Im generous to a fault, and protective with all the people I love. I know she has been thru hell and back, and I know she looks to me for structure. I just wished I could get over loving her.

[carhill]

When is the lease up?

[kerouac]

Lol, she has been there for me many times. She has gotten me out of trouble when I was younger. Looked after me and took care of me after a major surgery. Been there for me and drove many hours to a funeral of my oldest friend even though she did not know him. She helped me thru the grieving process. She listens to me and gives advice, she pushed me to get my life in order. She truly is a friend. One call and she would be right here. I guess I would say she is very dependable.

[kerouac]

lease isnt up for 10 more months

[carhill]

OK, plenty of time for both of you to prepare for your departure.

 

'When you tell me you will never be interested in dating me, I accept that. However, I still feel attracted romantically to you and cannot live in this space and be healthy. I'm leaving at the end of the lease to find my own place to live.'

 

A woman who truly cares about you as you have stated will understand this.

[kerouac]

Good advice, but I am not sure the timing would be right at the moment. After all I still have to live here for those 10 months. Guess I will have to think on that for awhile. I did like how you put that into words. I will probably use that lol.

[carhill]

This is what *can* happen. Through communicating *now*, the resolution process can begin in *you*. You can *accept* the dynamic and proceed in a healthy way to a resolution which respects her and is yet healthy for you.

 

Psychologically, it is entirely possible that, in ten months, you will have resolved your feelings for her, accepted the current dynamic, and may be happily dating someone whom you are attracted to and, more importantly, a person who is attracted *to you*.

 

Hope it works out!

[KraftDinner]

I am going to respectfully disagree -- I don't think she's using you at all. You had dated a while ago and had broken up and she has never led you on to believe there was any chance you two would get back together. You took her in as a friend, right? You state you were in "best friend mode." So because she doesn't guess that what you are really after is to date her (or chooses to ignore that possibility), this means she's using you?

 

You sound like a nice guy and I don't mean to be harsh, but it sounds more like you are using her if you are only doing "best friend" stuff for her in the hopes of getting back together.

 

If she were a male friend needing to get his life back together and you let him move in with you, you wouldn't accuse him or using you, would you? Best friends help each other out in troubled times.

 

You don't need to do all that for her. You have chosen to do so. She is in a rough patch and you have offered help...

 

If it's so hard for you, this situation needs to be changed for your own well-being. But saying she's using you... sorry, that's a stretch.

[carhill]

Based on further information from the OP, IMO it's an equal friendship, unhealthily tipped towards his side because he harbors attraction for the friend who clearly views him as platonic. He's not using her and she's not using him, though their motivations for the friendship clearly are not equal nor balanced.

 

I've been in this situation and the clear determiner is that his female friend has been *clear and consistent* with her perspective on their friendship, and she has demonstrated healthy actions of friendship, consistent with her words.

 

This is why people who have unrequited sexual/romantic attractions should not remain in contact with the object of that attraction as long as the feelings exist. He cooked his goose long ago in that broth, as did I. I was able, with professional help, to resolve those feelings. It's unknown how the OP will process his dynamic.

 

Hopefully, he can either resolve the feelings or get out of the physical circumstance before it eats away at him anymore. OP, tell her today how you *feel*, whatever that is. Get it out. Work through it like the friends you are. Prepare for your future. That way, going forward, there is no ambiguity in either of your actions. Everything is clear.

[kerouac]

This is not me wanting some long lost love. This is me helping my friends. Yes she has been honest with me from the start. I had come to terms with this after our break up and we spent about 8 months not talking. It was a good time to heal. Yes its true I will probably always love her. I think the situation that I am in at the moment has brought these feelings back to the surface. I will however stick to my word and help my friend in need. I just really want to know is this something I should discuss with her or just leave alone and let it run its course.

 

I dont think I would ever feel this way if we were not such close friends. When you have one person in your life you can tell your worst secrets too and they dont judge you its a special bond. Im just wishing I could handle my feelings better at the moment. Im just lost at the moment.

 

And yes I would help a male friend out the same way. Life is hard, people hit bad times. Friends and family are the ones who should step in to give you a hand when no one else will. She has no one but herself and the kids I am all that stands in her way from being on the streets. Male or female I would never turn my back on someone like that.

[carhill]

'I'm having difficulty at the moment valuing our platonic friendship in a healthy way. I sincerely don't mean to, but I feel attracted to you because of our intimacy. Can you help me with that?'