You meet someone you like ...

[David.]

If it really is stomach trouble, then yes, warm water, and maybe even a pinch of salt with it. Water is what we're made of, and what keeps the digestive system ticking over, so alcohol is definitely the wrong thing. A hot lemon tea drink would be fine as well. But if it's acid indigestion, then you want less acid, not more!

[spiderowl]

Thanks for kind suggestions. I've had green tea, which is my thing. Still not right but going to bed now. I spotted a thread and felt I needed to respond. Just hope it helped.

 

Thanks once more for your kindness. We really should get emailing or something.

[David.]

This is as good as email, though perhaps a bit exposed. If you were nearer I'd suggest a pub call, or walk in the rain...

[spiderowl]

Think I'm running out of hypothetical situations. It's so rare I'm interested enough to want to follow up.

 

OK, just thought of another. A group of three (2 men, 1 woman) arrive at a place I go to for craftwork. I thought one of the men seemed nice. I think no more of it, but then he comes and sits with me and talks briefly about what I'm working on. Seems friendly and nice and in no hurry to go. He joins his friends after a while. They come from out of town. It's all very brief, I don't know if he's attached to the woman or if the other man is (or neither), I don't know if he's attached to anyone. No idea if and when I'll see them again as they are not regulars, just occasioanally drop in. Was there anything I could have done other than be friendly?

 

Yes, forums are a bit exposed but then that's what makes them useful too.

[David.]

exposed is okay for conversation and keeping in touch, but I realise that various details and topics may be better kept off the web. I haven't figured out private messaging, and don't know what your preferred method of communicating might be, but am willing to consider things.

 

As for the craft event, the first thing that struck me is your interest in attachments and future connections. I am pretty sure I'd have the same interest in some situations, but want to get a clearer sense of the extent to which this is at the front of your mind.

 

In terms of the event's practicalities, I'm missing crucial details as to how you might have been interpreted by this fellow. Did you seem happy to talk? Did he think he was imposing, and so left in order to let you get on with your work?

 

As with some earlier examples, you might have overtly involved him in the work. Ask him to help, get him started on his own bit. You might have made small talk about his group, their interest, their backgrounds. I tend to think that grown-up conversation doesn't shy away from ordinary topics of interest just because one doesn't know another person. I'm basically happy to talk with strangers more or less as I would with friends. With certain caveats. (I met a guy in a pub last week who'd been to a retirement party and was non compos mentis... . Friendly but not capable of having an interesting conversation.) Similarly, I met some people at a local market, and in having conversations about their wares and ventures, gave people several opportunities to inquire in kind, and to suggest further contact. That they don't is something I take as disinterest or inability on their part. To put it politely, they may not be thinking of that sort of thing. They may be shy themselves, but I tend to conclude that they aren't particularly inquisitive, and therefore aren't my type... with the upshot that it people want to widen their social circle, it helps to be a bit outgoing and a bit alert to opportunities.

[spiderowl]

Thanks. I don't know how the private messaging works but I think you have to set it as an option somewhere first. Some people have it enabled and some don't, not sure what that's about.

 

I'm not usually interested in attachments or future connections unless someone particularly strikes me. In fact, sometimes I'm avoiding such things tactfully. I'm starting to get over the stage of not even being able to smile at someone I like. That has been a big problem in the past and I've ended up in situations where I've been more friendly to people I'm less interested in because there isn't this attraction thing messing things up. I've realised this is not good!

 

Yes, I was happy to talk and he seemed to be too. I was suprised he came to talk but it was spontaneous and nice. I don't think he felt he was imposing. I guess he left because he was with friends and there were other people he knew there. Maybe he'd had enough of talking to me, no idea really. They were involved in a joint activity so that was all part of it.

 

I couldn't have asked him to join in as it wasn't appropriate. It would be clearer if I could go into detail but I can't on a public forum, it would be a giveaway. I would have asked about his group but external events overtook us. I guess the whole thing was just too brief.

 

Completely agree there's no point trying to make anything where the other person is not compos mentis or is weird (or even unpleasant). I suppose if you are selling you are in a different position in a way. People don't like taking further steps if it's not given to them on plate, unless what you are selling is really instantly attractive and not expensive. Also, if they are being informed for the first time, it's new, they need to think about it, need time for it to register properly. New ideas take a bit of reinforcing sometimes. I would have thought two occasions would be better - one the introduction, two the follow-up contact when they've had chance to think. Can't push things too much though.

 

I take your point about being outgoing and alert and completely agree. I'm getting better at it. It's different showing an interest in a man for personal reasons not knowing if it's reciprocated or if he's thinking 'good for a fling but not much else'. I'm not very trusting these days.

[David.]

I'm starting to get over the stage of not even being able to smile at someone I like. That has been a big problem in the past and I've ended up in situations where I've been more friendly to people I'm less interested in because there isn't this attraction thing messing things up. I've realised this is not good!

 

 

I take your point about being outgoing and alert and completely agree. I'm getting better at it. It's different showing an interest in a man for personal reasons not knowing if it's reciprocated or if he's thinking 'good for a fling but not much else'. I'm not very trusting these days.

 

I'm not quite sure I get this. Aside from that, I'd be in denial if I said the thought of a fling didn't cross my mind on any given occasion - along with a dozen other ideas, some entirely innocuous, some entirely devilish. But most of those ideas get set aside very quickly as the scope of interaction settles down. Someone may seem very flirty at one moment, and very retiring the next, so whilst I might indulge in a flight of fancy when it's flirty, if thing settles down into something more reserved, then the racier stuff gets shoved aside in favour of something more grounded.

 

So a guy may be thinking 'good for a fling' one minute, and have a different mindset the next. The thing to avoid, then, is a static notion of what a given person is about. Unless he's really a buffoon.

[Cee]

This thread inspired me this week, Spiderowl. I am very much like you and I took a risk and it paid off:

 

On Tuesday, I met a man at a happy hour meetup group. I was instantly attracted, but wrote it off because he is 8 years younger than me. Plus, I thought no man that good looking would like me. I talked to him not to get a date, but to make a friend. I invited him to a fundraising event that was happening in two days. He said he happened to be in the neighborhood anyway and he'd stop by.

 

Two days later (yesterday), he texted me and said he was coming. I couldn't believe he was actually showing up. He spent two hours with me chatting and when the event ended, I invited him to hang out with my friend at a nearby bar. At the bar, the man and I were talking and... GET THIS...

 

I thought of this thread. I decided that I needed to take a risk and flirt with this guy. I thought, "What do I have to lose?" Anyway, I flirted in probably the stupidest and least suave way ever. I said something like, "I feel like I want to flirt with you, but don't know how." And then I made an awkward comment to try to get him to compliment my appearance.

 

WORST FLIRTING EVER

 

Guess what? It didn't matter. He liked me and my bad flirting broke the ice. We started to act more like we are on a date & not a job interview. We left the bar and went dancing & shared some kisses on the dancefloor.

 

He walked me to my bike (I don't drive), kissed me, and we scheduled a date for this Monday. When I got home, he texted me saying he had a nice time and was looking forward to our date.

 

As for the future, who knows. Maybe we'll have one date and not click. Maybe we'll fall in love. The main point of this story is I took a risk. And that is a true success story.

 

Thank you Spiderowl for inspiring me. You really helped me

[spiderowl]

Wow, Cee, I'm so glad this helped someone! It has certainly helped me too and I'm hoping to put it into practice. David's comments have been very enlightening in that I've seen things a little from a guy's point of view. I see there's a subtle difference between being friendly and being a little more encouraging than that. I tend to be friendly but very reserved when it comes to flirting, so nothing much really happens unless the guy is brave (and the brave ones are not always the ones you want to get involved with). You've actually tried being a little more flirtatious and achieved results. I'm impressed! Good luck with it all.

 

David, your comment about not having a fixed view of what might be going on in a guy's mind really struck me. I'm not sure we were talking about the same thing though. I don't mind fantasies at all, but maybe thoughts do shift more than I'd considered. I thought guys decided whether you were girlfriend potential or just a fling in the first few minutes which is a bit depressing really as I'd like to be taken seriously.

 

I wonder what will happen to this thread now? I'll be away for a while with only intermittent web access so I'll have to try and catch up then. Keep up the good work peeps!

[David.]

Guess what? It didn't matter. He liked me and my bad flirting broke the ice.

 

That's fab! Well done for you, and good luck!

[David.]

David, your comment about not having a fixed view of what might be going on in a guy's mind really struck me. I'm not sure we were talking about the same thing though. I don't mind fantasies at all, but maybe thoughts do shift more than I'd considered. I thought guys decided whether you were girlfriend potential or just a fling in the first few minutes which is a bit depressing really as I'd like to be taken seriously.

Some will, some won't. There are a lot of factors in choosing a friend, potential date, and so on. They don't necessarily sort themselves out quickly. So the point is to move away from thinking that there's a pat answer. WHcih means you'd be more open to things being different, and more like an opportunity for you.

 

I wonder what will happen to this thread now? I'll be away for a while with only intermittent web access so I'll have to try and catch up then. Keep up the good work peeps!

I expect it can wait til you're back! It's a conversation betwen us, mainly, so perhaps it just goes on hold for a bit.

[spiderowl]

Well, didn't get away quite as quickly as I thought, but about to leave now.

 

I don't think you have private messaging enabled David as I noticed there isn't an option to do this. I'm happy to use that if you are too.

[David.]

Let me know when you're back, and I'll do it then.

[spiderowl]

Any news Cee? What happened? I'd love to know. Whether it worked out or not, it was an opportunity to make a connection and at least you had chance to explore it.

[David.]

Hi Spider...

 

I found this about messaging for Premier subscribers:

Improved Private Messaging capabilities

 

• Instant access to private messaging. No need to wait to become an Established Member.
  

So you have access, but I don't.

Perhaps there are other ways.

[spiderowl]

Hi David,

 

Well, that's interesting, I didn't realise one had to become an established member to get private messaging. I also don't know how one manages this - whether it is time served as a member or the number of posts (I haven't been on here long and I don't think I've been particularly prolific, but I'm not complaining!). It's about time I read the rules. I have a proxy email ad at fayef at email do t co m which could serve as a temp. link, if you'd like to drop me a line.

[David.]

OK. Am just dropping off to sleep now. Will do it in the morning.

Also worth knowing about are sites like whspr.me (that one's defunct, but there are others. http://is.gd/eYg9b).

 

thanks!

[David.]

I have a proxy email ad ..., if you'd like to drop me a line.

Have done that. Did it arrive?

[spiderowl]

Yes, I've responded