Divorced man, really not ready to date?

[phoenix1]

Divorced/divorcing guys?? Opinions? It would be helpful to hear from people actually going through a divorce.

 

I met this great guy, getting divorced, separated 1 1/2 yrs, 4 kids (youngish), works 60-70 hours a week and lives 1 1/2 hours away. For the most part I am the first person he has dated since being separated. (there was one other very briefly, right when he moved out). Things were going so well, we really felt like kindred spirits, and I really feel like he was way into me.

 

Then...he realized things were not as sorted out in his life as he thought. He is leaving a 13 year marriage, far from being finalized, wife difficult, custody issues, financial issues, job crazy, has kids half the time, etc. He told me that he thought he was ready to start dating, but he possibly jumped the gun. Not only are there only so many hours in the day, but emotionally, he has too much going on to be truly present. He said he really grappled with it, and he really likes me, but feels like we will both just end up feeling frustrated and resentful due to the limitations he feels he has right now.

 

So - he said he needs to step back, and wants to keep in some limited touch, (we have mutual friends and will see each other from time to time), stay friendly, (no sex) and well, who knows? That may be it, it might happen later down the road. He certainly does not expect me to wait til ? nor do I want to. He says he is not seeing anyone else, not trying to, and I pretty much know this is true (per the mutual friends).

 

My question? Guys, given these circumstances, would you take the chance on letting someone get away that you really liked? My feeling is kind of that guys, if they really like you find and make time, somehow, no matter what. Is all this possible sounding, BS, or as I said, the easy let down? I have to say, he is a pretty stand up guy, and, one of the reasons I like him.

 

I know I have to just let this go, just trying to understand. Thanks.

[foamy2001]

This is just my .02 and probably says more about my situation than yours... but..

 

I am terrified to date again most of the time. There are times when I feel lonely and wish I had someone to do "couples things" like go to a romantic dinner or take a weekend vacation, but more than anything, I am somewhat scared of getting hurt again and terrified of going through the process of dating again.

 

My ex and I had no kids and our divorce has been final for just over a month, so my situation is very different. Still, I am such a basket case so much of the time that I can't imagine inviting anyone, much less someone I might have real feelings for, into my world of despair. I feel like this is kind of my battle to fight and I would only have two reasons to bring someone else into the fold:

 

1. To selfishly provide myself a distraction/replacement of the woman I am still in love with

2. To make my ex jealous by dating the most insanely young and hot girl I can convince to date me.

 

So, I have made a decision to be alone. I have crushes on several female friends, and have even gotten some phone numbers and offers to hang out, but I just can't bring myself to do it. I'm still mourning. I no longer want to be the selfish guy that does whatever it takes for me to be happy. I want to be a better person and I know that jumping into a relationship will only create more problems than it solves.

 

At least this guy is not willing to run your emotions through a ringer.

[You Go Girl]

Sounds like a nice guy there. He has a load of baggage, financial fallout, is burning the candle at both ends and still has the wits about him to tell you that he knows he isn't superman.

There's a natural protective shell against intimacy during a divorce, assuming, of course, that one is sane and sober.

It's for the best really. I can't imagine being emotionally involved with a new person to the degree of being able to be hurt, while still recovering from hurt.

Pain atop pain would crush a person.

[cavedweller]

phoenix,

 

Forget about him, he is not interested in you..

 

If he was he would make time for you..

 

When people say they are too busy, well, that is a red flag..

 

my 2 cents

[dgiirl]

Give him his space. Technically, he is STILL married, has 4 young kids and his wife is being "difficult" (ie she doesn't want to get divorced!).

 

He's asking you to let him go. LET him go! You will never know if his marriage can be salvaged with you in the picture. So LET him go! Otherwise, you are just helping destroy a marriage.

[carhill]

OP, is he legally separated? This means he and his wife have worked out custody, property and support issues and the court has granted them a separation, pending divorce. If he is, he's further down the road to a real divorce and, since settling such issues can be emotional, further down the road to emotional recovery from the M

 

Is this an amicable separation and divorce? Do he and his W agree on things? Co-parenting? Property? Support?

 

Do he and his wife live separately? If yes, for how long?

 

When he speaks of his divorce, what is his tone? You mentioned 'far from finalized' and 'issues'. That's normal. It's *how* he talks about such matters which says where he is.

 

How long have you been dating? How quickly did sex happen?

 

My credentials here are male, long-time poster and going through an amicable divorce. In this thread, I asked some questions about dating as a separated man and received answers from the female LS'ers which I thought to be well-considered and appropriate. Eight months later, with a bit of dating under my belt, I still consider the advice to be sound. Good luck

[PWSX3]

Give him his space. Technically, he is STILL married, has 4 young kids and his wife is being "difficult" (ie she doesn't want to get divorced!).

 

He's asking you to let him go. LET him go! You will never know if his marriage can be salvaged with you in the picture. So LET him go! Otherwise, you are just helping destroy a marriage.

 

Totally agree with dgiirl,

Until the papers are signed he is still married. I was married for 28 years (long story) but got into a relationship after 7 months. It is like putting a band-aid on a sore, it helps for a while, but sooner or later you need to clean out the sore so it can heal....

 

Having someone paying attention to you makes you feel very good & you will be attracted to anyone that comes along, but then that newness wears off & reality sits in.....

 

LET HIM GO!!!

[hopesndreams]

He told me that he thought he was ready to start dating, but he possibly jumped the gun. Not only are there only so many hours in the day, but emotionally, he has too much going on to be truly present. He said he really grappled with it, and he really likes me, but feels like we will both just end up feeling frustrated and resentful due to the limitations he feels he has right now.

 

Believe what he says and yes, he's letting you down gently.

[tojaz]

This is just my .02 and probably says more about my situation than yours... but..

 

I am terrified to date again most of the time. There are times when I feel lonely and wish I had someone to do "couples things" like go to a romantic dinner or take a weekend vacation, but more than anything, I am somewhat scared of getting hurt again and terrified of going through the process of dating again.

 

My ex and I had no kids and our divorce has been final for just over a month, so my situation is very different. Still, I am such a basket case so much of the time that I can't imagine inviting anyone, much less someone I might have real feelings for, into my world of despair. I feel like this is kind of my battle to fight and I would only have two reasons to bring someone else into the fold:

 

1. To selfishly provide myself a distraction/replacement of the woman I am still in love with

2. To make my ex jealous by dating the most insanely young and hot girl I can convince to date me.

 

So, I have made a decision to be alone. I have crushes on several female friends, and have even gotten some phone numbers and offers to hang out, but I just can't bring myself to do it. I'm still mourning. I no longer want to be the selfish guy that does whatever it takes for me to be happy. I want to be a better person and I know that jumping into a relationship will only create more problems than it solves.

 

At least this guy is not willing to run your emotions through a ringer.

 

Very good post Foamy. I would have to agree.

 

Phoenix Im over a year outside of my divorce and dating still scares the hell out of me. The emotions are terrifying. MY relationship lasted 14 years and that is a hard thing to shake and start over, so i kind of get what your guy is feeling. I meet women, have been on a few dates etc, but I still seem to have the unavailable tatoo on my forehead. I have also met some absolutely amazing women, but my state is such I have to be very honest of what I can and cannot provide. It sounds to me that he is a stand up guy trying to be honest about his issues and keep you from being hurt. D causes a lot of scars.

 

Since you really like him, I would just be honest, tell him how you feel but give him the space he needs to cope right now. It may just being let down easy but maybe not, and if so that understanding and acceptance can pay dividends in the future when he is more ready for something more.

 

TOJAZ

[phoenix1]

Thanks for the input everybody, and yes, I know I need to let him go, and will. Just wanted to understand some things.

 

To answer some questions, moved out about a year ago, and he left her, and I know the reasons why. The marriage was over quite some time before he actually left. And no, they will not be getting back together, I'm sure of that. I"m not "destroying" a marriage. He talks about her in a pretty neutral tone, doesn't hate her, doesn't talk glowingly of her. Refers to her as "my ex".

 

I'm not so opposed to dating someone who is technically married, but split up, as some people have voiced strong opinions here. I think it depends on the situation. With that said they are still working out the legalities around custody and finances, and it is not going smoothly, she is doing anything to not let him go.

 

We dated about 6 weeks, but had known each other somewhat for awhile before. Yes, we were having sex, and although he wants to keep in touch on some level, he specifically does not want a FWB thing.

 

I think the question here was not so much about making physical time, even the busiest schedule can do that. It was more about the emotional space.

 

And yes, because he is not dragging me through his mess, I of course like him even more. I did tell him how I feel, he expressed similar, and I let him go.

 

@carhill, thanks, I did read your older thread.

[dgiirl]

To answer some questions, moved out about a year ago, and he left her, and I know the reasons why. The marriage was over quite some time before he actually left. And no, they will not be getting back together, I'm sure of that. I"m not "destroying" a marriage. He talks about her in a pretty neutral tone, doesn't hate her, doesn't talk glowingly of her. Refers to her as "my ex".

 

That might be the case, but as of today, he doesn't want you in the picture. Until his divorce is finalized, if you continue to pursue this guy, even when he tells you he doesn't want a relationship with you right now, you are certainly not helping his marriage and are helping destroy it instead.

 

I'm not against dating while separated. But in this case, he is telling you to back off and it sounds like you are trying to find reasons not to or ways to change his mind.

 

Step away. Let the divorce become finalized before you pursue this man, especially since he is telling you up front to step away.

[Steadfast]

 

My feeling is kind of that guys, if they really like you find and make time, somehow, no matter what.

 

 

Your feeling is correct. Same with either sex actually. Let him go.

[Gfkr2]

My question? Guys, given these circumstances, would you take the chance on letting someone get away that you really liked? My feeling is kind of that guys, if they really like you find and make time, somehow, no matter what. Is all this possible sounding, BS, or as I said, the easy let down? I have to say, he is a pretty stand up guy, and, one of the reasons I like him.

 

 

He sounds like a good guy thinking of his family and not willing to make a commitment until his life is in good order, but

 

I assume you BOTH have an emotional bond after dating eachother. So, I would not so easily give up a woman who I had made a connection with and someone might make me happy for a longgg time. No way...It's just me:)

[solitary_man]

 

And yes, because he is not dragging me through his mess, I of course like him even more. I did tell him how I feel, he expressed similar, and I let him go.

 

cheers, Phoenix

 

coming from a guy that got too involved too soon after a divorce, I have oodles of respect for your friend. I wish I could have shown a fraction of the restraint he has. It may have saved me from going through divorce #2.

 

It's been five years since my first wife left me and I came to realize instead of dealing with that original heartache, I simply piled a bunch of new feelings for a new person on top of all that old baggage. It's not the sole reason things aren't working out for marriage 2, but it has certain caused its share of damage.