Family is Exiling Me

[Dooda]

My brother calls me the "enemy". My father says there is no point in talking to me anymore.

For 19 years, I haven't realized, until recently, to what point I have been abused.

My father's 'treatment' of me was that he would go into rages and beat me senselessly until he felt satisfied. He would rip my clothes, or break my electronics. He would scream at me and insult me and tell me how much of a garbage person I was, etc. My mother was the same, minus the beating past the age of 13, because she was too small.

My parents would give me the silent treatment. They would beat me, insult me, and then not talk to me for hours or days or weeks. They would tell me stuff like I wish you were never born, it was a dark day the day you were born. Those were mostly my mothers. My mother was very intuitive when it came to insults.

 

My brother would do the same. It was a chain. My brother would suck up and feel bad to his parents, but when it came to me there was no remorse, no feeling, I was just the trash lying on the ground. My brother would beat me, push me on the ground, and then yell at me 'you're wrong.'

 

That isn't to say that my family didn't "love" me, but now I question even that. It was like the family that on the outside was very polished, but when you delved deeper you could see so many insecurities. My mother would put on this face of "I'm so polite, I'm so nice" and then come home to rant about how garbage people were. My father would put on this face of "I work so hard, my son causes me trouble, feel sorry for me" and then come home and beat my ass.

 

My father is exiling me because I no longer take their abuse, their garbage, disgusting, ****ed up, bull**** abuse. I'm so tired of it. I just can't take it anymore. I never realised, till now that I was being abused, and that is why I feel so depressed, so angry, so afraid to talk to people, so stressed out, like I always have to be perfect.

 

It's still the same old bull****. My brother beats me at least once a month, and I'm 19 for god's sake. I feel humiliated. How can anyone humiliate me in that way, in any way? It's not fair, to me or to anyone. He beats me, and feels no remorse. It's disgusting. It drives me crazy, because I can't seem to think how someone could be so hardheaded to think that he has a right to beat me, because he is the "bigger brother".

 

Yesterday, I dropped a salad bowl on the ground, and my Dad psyched out. He was doing a whole bunch of weird movements that he usually does when he can't control his anger. He started screaming, "My rug! What about my rug!" I couldn't take it. I said, "I didn't do anything wrong, it was an accident." He started screaming and insulting me, and I said, "Shutup." He said, "You're not eating any of my food" (as in the food in his house was all his). I screamed at his face and said, "You have no right to insult me because I dropped a salad bowl".

 

I went upstairs and kept screaming, I was angry, I really couldn't control myself. I kept screaming, "you have no right to insult me because I dropped a salad bowl". My dad then came up and tried to intimidate me. My **** brother stood behind him and told him to stop, that I was crazy, that there was no point in talking to 'him'. My dad came up right in front of my face and tried to intimidate me. He said, "what". Then he started screaming at me, saying "HIT ME!" HIT ME!"... like I was going to hit him in the first place, like it wasn't him coming up to intimidate me. I said stop, get out of my face, leave me alone. He kept coming closer to my face. I pushed my father away. My brother said, "Let's leave". My Dad kept standing in the doorway. I pushed him away, hard. I didn't give a ****, I was angry. What right does he have, to constantly insult me like I have nothing, and have no remorse? What right? My brother tried to beat me and then my Dad stopped him. I know why he stopped him.

 

After this, my brother doesn't want to talk to me, he says he doesn't 'love' me. He calls me the enemy. He goes into psychotic fits, and says we have to be UNITED!!, HE IS THE ENEMY!!! Like some real revolutionary soldier. I seriously want to get inside his head and and understand how he can think that... It doesn't make any sense...

 

I don't really care. I don't care at all, what they think. I just don't get how I feel bad, every morning I wake up thinking about this, feeling tormented, and how they go on feeling like life is normal, that there is nothing wrong with them... I am the enemy.

 

I remember once, my brother and I got into a fight, and this was after I started showing resistance back, he started to get violent with me. I ran downstairs, and grabbed a hockey stick. Ofcourse, my mom was on his side, giving me that glaring eye she does whenever there's a conflict between me and my brother. He grabbed the hockey stick then rushed me to the ground. He choked me for about 30 seconds, then he let go, and kept beating me on the head. I gave up, and started saying, "what do you want out of me?" He said, I want you to be a better person, and then smacked me in my face. I said, "I'm a piece of ****, whatever". He said, WRONG ANSWER and then punched me 3 or 4 times in the head. I said it a few more times, and then he did it again and again. I was on the ground, lying there, and he got up and said: "you better get better, otherwise you're going to go crazy"

The place was a mess, and my mother was looking down at me like I was garbage. "You started it, you started getting violent with him, you took the hockey stick," even though it was obviously him who started getting violent with me.

 

I really don't think I love my family, and I don't think they love me. I don't think they have ever loved me. I feel like I will be scrutinized by society for pushing my dad, but no one knows the way I am treated. No one knows how hard it is to feel this way, in this way. They have taken everything away from me, and have no remorse, nothing. My brother has beaten me to a pulp and thinks he has the right to do it.

It's like, I don't want to stop caring, but at the same time, I am so tired of trying.

My brother, mother and father have all constantly told me how much of a garbage person I am. I am unorganized, not clean, unhygienic, misbehaved, argumentative. They want me to change, but at the same time, they don't want to change.

 

They have been abusive to me for so many years, and I have accepted it. The second I am abusive back, it all changes, they cannot accept it. They cannot accept that I am angry, somehow.

I feel like my life is messed up, and that it is out of control. I seriously cannot talk to people. I always think about what they're saying, and what I'm saying, and worry about what I'm saying. I can't have a normal conversation, or be myself. I almost have no more friends, I have lost connection with people, and I feel the anguish that runs between me and my family is impeding my friendships, because I feel so insecure.

All I want is from them is an apology, but they will never give it.

[Ronni_W]

Hugs, Dooda.

That is a lot of suffering to be carrying on your shoulders for such a long time. You obviously have excellent "emotional survival skills". You have made it to this point and, at 19, I'm guessing you'll soon be in a position to move out from this 'house of horrors'. Worse things can happen than being "exiled" from there.

 

They way they have been treating, and continue to treat you is sinful. When you are no longer financially/materially dependent on them, leave and do not look back. You won't lose anything as far as mental-emotional-spiritual support, encouragement and upliftment. I agree with you that they appear incapable of apologizing -- they do not have the insight, wisdom or conscience that is necessary for that.

 

I'm sorry that you've had to learn how to deal with these people. You don't deserve, and have never deserved, their mistreatment and abuse.

God bless.

[Dooda]

Thank you Ronni.

I will be going to Uni soon, in a couple of weeks, but I just can't let go. I feel like I will be losing emotionally if I do. They have been my family for 19 years, and now they are just abandoning me? It doesn't make sense.

[amerikajin]

Thank you Ronni.

I will be going to Uni soon, in a couple of weeks, but I just can't let go. I feel like I will be losing emotionally if I do. They have been my family for 19 years, and now they are just abandoning me? It doesn't make sense.

 

Dooda, go to university and never, ever look back. Get the hell out of that situation and stay out. I hate to say this b/c I know it's your family, but your family is f*cked up and you are not safe around them. The way I see it, if they're shunning you, that's a blessing. They're abandoning you because they realize that they can't control you anymore. You have a choice: let them control you and take the abuse or live your own life and be a happier person.

[freestyle]

You absolutely have to get away from that situation.

 

My concern for you, is that you may internalize (if you haven't already) their negative messages about you---Verbal abuse of that nature can etch deep grooves into the psyche of a developing mind.Once you start to believe those messages ("you're garbage, you're the enemy", etc.).........

 

.....then you are doing the abuser's work for them.

 

Abusive people are incredibly messed up---but they will do everything they can to convince you that YOU are the one with the problem. They project all their own negative traits onto their targets, because they can't handle thinking anything negative about themselves.

 

Ronni W is right, no one, but no one, ever deserves to be abused like that.

 

Considering the gravity of what you've been through, I see nothing wrong with turning your back on your family entirely. I agree with Amerikajun--they're actually doing you a favor by shunning you.

 

I'd also like to recommend that you add some studies of psychology into your curriculum when you go to Uni---it may help you gain some insight into what you've been through......it may help you to understand that your family's issues are THEIR dysfunctions---NOT yours. Or, if you don't take classes, there's a wealth of information on abuse available on the internet.

 

The more you come to understand the nature of abuse, and abusers, the less power it will have to hurt you.

 

I wish you my best..........

[You'reasian]

Thank you Ronni.

I will be going to Uni soon, in a couple of weeks, but I just can't let go. I feel like I will be losing emotionally if I do. They have been my family for 19 years, and now they are just abandoning me? It doesn't make sense.

 

Well written. Sounds rough! Wish you the best, young fella.

[Shannyn]

I agree with everyone else- GET OUT. Take all your stuff with you to uni and don't look back.

 

I do have a question though- will your family be paying for college? From what you've written I doubt it but if they are helping out in any way, shape, or form, try to see if you can get away from that. If they are helping you financially they can use that against you to try and manipulate you. Get a job, get a loan, get a scholarship, but try and cut all ties ASAP. I know they are your family, but right now you need to be worried about you.

 

I would also suggest you try to find some abuse support groups and use your school's student center to find a therapist (if at all possible). You won't be free from them until you are able to confront your issues, and I know you'll have them based on what you've written. And you know what? That's totally okay. We ALL have issues, me included, so don't feel ashamed about that at all. Anyone who says they don't is either lying or so emotionally stunted they don't know it. But you know what would be the best revenge on them? To heal yourself so well that no matter what they do they can no longer hurt you.

 

I wish you all the love and luck in the world.

[BlackLovely]

I'm so sorry that you have gone through such pain.

It's hard to walk away from family, even if they have hurt you a lot. Most people have a sense of obligation.

Dooda, as I have posted in the Parenting forum, I was abused as a child too.

I understand how torn you feel. In the end, you have to decide...will it be you or them that lives your life? Is your happiness worth staying in contact with an awful family? I don't think so.

[amerikajin]

Dooda, come back here if you need emotional support. There's a pretty good community of people here. I know this must be unbelievably painful.

 

One thing you need to know is that there are two kinds of family: the family you're born into, and the family you make over the course of your life. Some people are really lucky and are born into wonderfully supportive and nuclear families; others are born into much less supportive situations. Sounds like you're coming from the latter situation. The good news is, you can move on and make your own family. I know trusting people at this point must be very difficult, but try, and judge them based on their own merits and character.

 

Peace, brother. <bro hug>

[Dooda]

Thank you all for your responses. It makes me feel better knowing that people can understand, and that I am not wrong.

 

The thing is I cannot trust people anymore. I have tried but I really can't. It is so hard to just be myself...

I feel anguish, and I feel hate and jealousy towards people which I really shouldn't be feeling. There are so many feelings inside of me, and it's hard to just concentrate.

I have tried seeing a psychiatrist, but that's hard too because I cannot open up, and I feel as though I am putting on a mask. I don't know why. I've told him what goes on in the family, but I really can't explain what is getting to me...

I have started acting abusive back to my family, and I don't want to do this and give them an excuse that they are right. I don't want to turn into an abusive person.

I just don't know how to get my life back on track, emotionally, physically, spiritually, or on any level...

 

It's not that easy to just walk out on your family and say, "I didn't do anything wrong" and believe it.

 

Freestyle, I don't feel like I am the enemy, but I feel like they have gotten to me. I feel like I am wrong, and I feel like I constantly have to prove myself to them, and I always have to satisfy them, which is total bull****. Why do I have to prove myself to anyone?

I feel like I am lost...

[freestyle]

Dooda......

 

Oh goodness dear, your story breaks my heart. Like I said before , no one, but no one ever deserves to be treated the way your family has treated you.

 

even though it might not seem like it right now.....I get the feeling that once you've put a safe distance between you & your family, that you are going to start to see things more clearly----you'll develop your OWN sense of self-worth---your OWN moral compass---your OWN sense of confidence, and competence.

 

Just reading your posts tells me that you are articulate and intelligent.And more importantly, you have self-awareness. You've got some good stuff in your toolbox---you can use those tools to start making repairs...on yourself.

 

Not saying it's gonna be easy.........you've got higher hurdles than most people do.But you could come out stronger, wiser, more empathetic...

 

.....if you so choose.

 

Or you could continue the cycle of abuse that you were born into , by becoming an abuser yourself. The choice is yours.You can perpetuate the misery........or say to yourself, "it stops NOW. The cycle ends HERE. "

 

 

While many who were abused as children grow up to be abusive parents, there's also many who are fantastic parents, because they made that conscious choice to stop the cycle.

 

If opening up to a therapist/psychiatrist is too difficult for you, there are some forums online for people who've grown up being abused, or who've been in abusive relationships.........it might help you to connect with others who understand what it's like to go through that. You can remain anonymous if you like, if that helps you to feel more comfortable.

 

One such site is Out of The Fog---try doing a google search. It's specifically for people who've been through abusive childhoods and/or relationships.

 

 

The more you read other similar stories, the more you will begin to recognize the negative thought patterns that abused people get stuck in.

 

Also, by examining the psychology of an abuser, you start to see a recurring theme.They will try to bait you, and provoke you, and when you finally have reached your blowing point and have an emotional reaction, they will smugly proclaim that YOU are the crazy one. (the one who needs help) Essentially what they've done is projected all their negative qualities on to you, so they don't have to admit that they have any faults.It's very common in families in which one or more member has BPD (Borderline personality Disorder) Such families also commonly have one family member, a black sheep if you will, who becomes the scapegoat for all the families problems. (It's usually the normal one...go figure) Does this sound familiar to you at all?

 

Knowledge is power.Please keep reading, and educate yourself more. And post here as much as you need to, there's a lot of good souls here. And a few of us can relate to your story, from our own experiences.

[amerikajin]

Thank you all for your responses. It makes me feel better knowing that people can understand, and that I am not wrong.

 

The thing is I cannot trust people anymore. I have tried but I really can't. It is so hard to just be myself...

I feel anguish, and I feel hate and jealousy towards people which I really shouldn't be feeling. There are so many feelings inside of me, and it's hard to just concentrate.

I have tried seeing a psychiatrist, but that's hard too because I cannot open up, and I feel as though I am putting on a mask. I don't know why. I've told him what goes on in the family, but I really can't explain what is getting to me...

I have started acting abusive back to my family, and I don't want to do this and give them an excuse that they are right. I don't want to turn into an abusive person.

I just don't know how to get my life back on track, emotionally, physically, spiritually, or on any level...

 

It's not that easy to just walk out on your family and say, "I didn't do anything wrong" and believe it.

 

Freestyle, I don't feel like I am the enemy, but I feel like they have gotten to me. I feel like I am wrong, and I feel like I constantly have to prove myself to them, and I always have to satisfy them, which is total bull****. Why do I have to prove myself to anyone?

I feel like I am lost...

 

That they have brought you to this point means that they are toxic. Families should never do this to each other, but some do because their own lives are so messed up that they feel like taking it out on others.

 

I would keep seeing the therapist. Keep doing that. Keep doing it until you can feel comfortable opening up. If you don't feel comfortable with the therapist you're seeing, I don't know...maybe you could see another one?

 

One good sign that I can see is that you're aware of what's going on. You realize that you're being abused and you've decided not to take it, and that you deserve better -- a lot of people don't even get to that point. The hard part is ahead: knowing how to trust other people. I wish I could help you or give you some useful suggestions, but I can't. I think a lot of therapy and just getting yourself away from your family are the only two things that come to mind.

 

Hope things work out, and remember to come back to vent once in a while if necessary. I would avoid your family unless it is absolutely necessary to see them, and even then, minimize the contact. Just get out of there. Don't let them suck you in.

[freestyle]

One more thing.........

 

you don't have to prove yourself to your family. You have to prove yourself to...............

 

yourself.

[Angel1111]

I'd suggest torching the house before you leave but they're really not worth having blood on your hands or going to jail for. Hon, there is no excuse for the way you've been treated. They should be in prison for what they've done to you. Go off to college and walk away from this crap for good. If I were you, I'd disappear and never contact them again. I am so sorry for what you've been through. It's a horror beyond words.

[horsegirl]

I am so proud of you for making it this far

 

I know what you have been through

 

My family did a similar thing to me when I went to med school

They couldn't handle that I was going to be independent and rich soon

They did everything in their power to bring me down and destroy my dreams

My grandmother humiliated and beat everyone in our family, my cousins would tell me privately they were crying before they were forced to spend Christmas dinner with her, and when I stood up to her, my brother started screaming that he wanted to take the wine bottle he was holding and smash my face until there was nothing left

 

Trust me, they aren't exiling you, you are rejecting THEM.

Why.....?

They need you because without you they will turn on each other. I saw this happen as soon as I stopped all contact with my grandmother and cut off my mom except for business conversations, they started picking fights with each other, nasty fights, lol I was out of the picture and it was great fun to watch from outside, one by one my cousins left, her sons and daughters won't visit and now my grandma is dying and hardly anyone will visit her. Even my brother who was so willing to throw me under the bus won't go see them alone. So grandma tries to get people to visit by dangling money, jewelry and "inheritance" in their face. I had no one on my side when I left, now my cousins and my aunts are all with me, and only the greedy money grubbers are still fighting with each other and with granma for the "inheritance" though knowing her she will leave each of them $1 and give the rest to a charity. Strange how things work out. Let the strength of your convictions be your guide, and trust in your own feelings, if you feel wronged its because you have been mistreated and never forget that others have been too. If they don't have the strength you do to walk away, they admire it and will tell you later on, when they feel its safe to do so.

[Angel1111]

I am so proud of you for making it this far

 

I know what you have been through

 

My family did a similar thing to me when I went to med school

They couldn't handle that I was going to be independent and rich soon

They did everything in their power to bring me down and destroy my dreams

My grandmother humiliated and beat everyone in our family, my cousins would tell me privately they were crying before they were forced to spend Christmas dinner with her, and when I stood up to her, my brother started screaming that he wanted to take the wine bottle he was holding and smash my face until there was nothing left

 

Trust me, they aren't exiling you, you are rejecting THEM.

Why.....?

They need you because without you they will turn on each other. I saw this happen as soon as I stopped all contact with my grandmother and cut off my mom except for business conversations, they started picking fights with each other, nasty fights, lol I was out of the picture and it was great fun to watch from outside, one by one my cousins left, her sons and daughters won't visit and now my grandma is dying and hardly anyone will visit her. Even my brother who was so willing to throw me under the bus won't go see them alone. So grandma tries to get people to visit by dangling money, jewelry and "inheritance" in their face. I had no one on my side when I left, now my cousins and my aunts are all with me, and only the greedy money grubbers are still fighting with each other and with granma for the "inheritance" though knowing her she will leave each of them $1 and give the rest to a charity. Strange how things work out. Let the strength of your convictions be your guide, and trust in your own feelings, if you feel wronged its because you have been mistreated and never forget that others have been too. If they don't have the strength you do to walk away, they admire it and will tell you later on, when they feel its safe to do so.

 

I'm absolutely stunned that there are families like this in the world. What is wrong with people? Dooda's post seemed so extreme that I thought it might be a joke at first. But then I realized she was actually serious. I'm so sorry that both of you had to go through this. To be treated in such a way by your own family is the ultimate horror. Congrats to you for going to med school. You are awesome. You both are awesome for knowing that you deserve better and moving past the bad things. God bless you both.

[horsegirl]

It makes you very strong and independent, when you realize that you alone are the only one who can save you. We are socialized to believe in families. And when you realize your family is optional, it is like an epiphany and like you have been freed of the shackles, to choose another one to marry into. One of your own choosing, decent and loving people, the second time around. That is what I have hope in, and it matters more to me than any degrees or education out there.

[freestyle]

I'm absolutely stunned that there are families like this in the world. What is wrong with people? Dooda's post seemed so extreme that I thought it might be a joke at first. But then I realized she was actually serious. I'm so sorry that both of you had to go through this. To be treated in such a way by your own family is the ultimate horror. Congrats to you for going to med school. You are awesome. You both are awesome for knowing that you deserve better and moving past the bad things. God bless you both.

 

 

Sadly, it's more common than you think...........just read a BPD support forum for an hour, under the family section. anyone who tries to rise above the drama get singled out for abuse.

 

I think dynamics like this have been going on for years, but like many forms of abuse, it's only in recent years that it's become safe, and socially acceptable to talk about it.

[Angel1111]

Sadly, it's more common than you think...........just read a BPD support forum for an hour, under the family section. anyone who tries to rise above the drama get singled out for abuse.

 

I think dynamics like this have been going on for years, but like many forms of abuse, it's only in recent years that it's become safe, and socially acceptable to talk about it.

 

It makes my heart bleed to know that people are treated like this even once in their lives, much less all their lives or childhoods. I pray that all abused people know that they are so much more than the horrible people abusing them, that they deserve so much better.

[Angel1111]

It makes you very strong and independent, when you realize that you alone are the only one who can save you. We are socialized to believe in families. And when you realize your family is optional, it is like an epiphany and like you have been freed of the shackles, to choose another one to marry into. One of your own choosing, decent and loving people, the second time around. That is what I have hope in, and it matters more to me than any degrees or education out there.

 

Your education is key, though, because it keeps you from ever being dependent on anyone. It gives you a lifetime of options.

 

A family 'of your own choosing' is an excellent way to put it. Both of you can start your lives over by bringing quality people into your lives.

[Dooda]

Thank you all for your responses.

"They need you because without you they will turn on each other."

That is exactly how it is.

 

As soon as they don't have me to put all their bull**** burdens on, they fight between each other. My mother screams and swears at my father, saying he is useless, etc, and my father screams back with insults. He has even hit her a few times. When my brother doesn't do exactly what my mom says, or he doesn't comply with her every order, she goes into a hissy fit and starts insulting him too in the same way that she would at me. The only difference was that he knew how to take the crap and would let her give it to him, when I wouldn't, which is why she loved him more than me.

 

I will admit, I was the argumentative type, but that doesn't give them the right to take every inch of well being out of me. I am deprived of everything.

I think the worst part was them giving me this silent dirty look. I would ask them a question after they were mad at me and gone through a hissy fit of swearing and/or beating, and they would give me this silent, dirty look like I was some stupid piece of **** that didn't deserve to be answered.

 

Sometimes, my father would not speak to me for days and weeks on end.

I remember, one morning, I woke up, and my father was MAD, I mean MAD. This was when I was about 16. I was waking up for school and my Dad screamed something about "Did you finish your math homework". I don't really remember the details, I think I had finished most of it but hadn't managed to finish the rest, but I remember him coming at me, ready to beat me. My mom came out and was ready to defend me, and say "Dad, stop it..." He started coming at me, and he pushed me, and I slapped him in the face, like he deserved it. At the time, I felt instantly bad. It was a reaction. It was literally a natural reaction. I could not control it. He gave me the beating of my life. He came down on me and smacked me on my face, and then pulled my hair, while kicking me on the ground. I remember my Mom standing there, letting him beat me because I had hit him back.

 

I felt very bad for what I did. For weeks, I think 2 months, my Dad didn't talk to me, and I felt very bad. I tried talking to my Mom, saying I felt very sorry. She said, "No one should ever touch their Dad, no matter what", and I felt sorry. He treated me like ****, like I didn't even exist. He said I wasn't his son.

 

What father is allowed to beat his son senselessly, and not feel anything for it? And I felt bad for giving him one slap to the face back... My brother, mother and father all still think that my Dad was right for that, along with many other incidents that have occurred.

 

I guess this is a place for me to vent all of my anger, and all of my suspicions on my family. I really hate my family. All of these incidents keep coming back to me, and I blame myself for what I did. I keep questioning whether I was wrong, and how my family can make sense of what they did. It doesn't make sense to me, and I keep driving myself crazy with all of these thoughts... It doesn't make sense.

 

Angel111, these types of families are common. That is how my parents were treated, which is why I think they treat me this way now. In my culture, it's not so uncommon to beat your kids senselessly to give them a 'lesson', probably more uncommon to find parents that don't beat their kids senselessly every once in a while. In my culture, we don't call it BPD, we call it normal. I don't care if its a disease, or what medical doctors can label it as, it's wrong.

 

This is a clip of how my mom would act when she go into her 'fits' that no one could control. She would come out of them, and I would have to apologize for what I did wrong. I got her into those fits. She would say, "I feel bad for what I did. Do you think I like beating you, or screaming at you, or swearing at you? No. It's because you are wrong that I have to do that."

 

[Dazzel]

Where do you live, Dooda? I am curious about the culture you mentioned.

 

You really are a strong person for keeping your sanity and dealing with this so long. I really wish I had some way to help you, but it looks like you are doing a good job yourself. Go to college, as others have said. Get the hell out of that house and don't ever look back.