I want my wife back, is it all just menopause?

[niteman]

I want my wife back, is it all just menopause?

 

My wife and I are 50 years old and have been married 20 years. We love and respect each other and have always been faithful. We could talk about anything, we spend all of our time together. Our relationship is the envy of all who know us, we are so close.

 

Our love is intact, our relationship however is going crazy. About two years ago my wife started menopause. She completely lost her sex drive. She would have sex with me but it was only for me. I guess because we are so close I could tell she was not "into it" at all. I felt totally alone. It just was not right anymore, I felt like I was raping my wife. This led to me not being able to keep an erection. Viagra worked once but the power of the love is stronger and I can't make love to my wife when she has no desire for me sexually. (believe me I've tried)

 

It has been over a year and a half now with no sex at all. She doesn't hold me at night anymore. If I put my arm around her in her sleep, she pushes me away. When I kiss her, she makes it short. We don't talk about it, the last thing she said concerning it was, "I'm going thru menopause and it was really bad the last few times". (That put any self-esteem I had left in the toilet)

I know she feels bad about it, I can see it on her face. Now we both sit and watch TV and don't talk very much untill she falls asleep. That's when I start crying. My chest hurts, my head aches and very real pain takes hold. I am afraid, all this scares me. I'm just waiting for it to end, and get my wife back. AAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I can't take it anymore, it's making me nuts.

[moimeme]

Is she seeing a physician? There has been a lot of work done lately on menopause issues and how to deal with/treat them. Nobody has to suffer through menopause until the end anymore. Here are a few good sites to get you started on your information search. She might be willing to read some information - and then go see her doc to get help. With all the money being spent on science and medicine to help people, it's a shame that people don't avail themselves of every resource available to alleviate their suffering.

 

http://www.menopause-online.com/

 

http://www.menopause.org/

 

http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/menopause.html

[nitemans]

THANKS moimeme, Sorry it took so long for a reply but I've been thinking about everything. I made a doctors appointment for my wife ( a woman doctor) She doesn't mind going but unless I make the appointment it wont get done. Hopefully we will find some help. Look, I didn't mean to be so intense in my first post but it came out that way. (I needed the release) I understand what is happening with my wife, and to some extent with me also. I don't however know how to deal with the hurt. Depression for no good reason is a sickness. But how about when you have a damn good reason for feeling like crying. I will be all right and my marriage will survive. But in the meantime I am one unhappy man.

[SoleMate]

Please read The Sex-Starved Marriage by Michele Weiner Davis. She understand this situation thoroughly and has really helpful ideas for problems like the two of you are experiencing.

 

If it helps at all, I am truly sympathetic with both of you. This barrier between you - whatever it is - is causing both of you such pain. Your description of the rejection you feel is quite eloquent and touching. You've lost the loving bond that you used to share through sex.

 

I'm quite sure that this is NOT just a menopausal upset. Menopause by itself does not need to send sex lives into the dumpster. Lots of women find renewed pleasure in sex during or after menopause. Her change of life may have been a trigger, but there is something else going on that likely won't self-resolve. As you have noted, one problem sexually leads to another, until you've got about half a dozen issues to sort out. It will be work to rebuild pleasurable sex lives, but you and I both know that it's WAY worth it. Please don't give up, put your shoulder to the wheel and do whatever it takes to get your marital happiness back.

[moimeme]

Menopause by itself does not need to send sex lives into the dumpster.

 

No, but it certainly can. Did you read the links, Sole?

[nitemans]

Thank you SM,

 

Well,,, Been walking around in a daze. Hit me like a Mac truck when I couldn't just blame Menopause for all my problems anymore. I know your right and I wonder why I didn't see it. Maybe I did but was hiding from it, I don't know. I don't know if I have the strength for it. I would give up, surrender so to speak but I don't know what that means. It's NOT just sex. It's a feeling of intimacy I long so much for. I am sitting here tonight next to my sleeping wife. She touched my arm lovingly when we said goodnight. In my heart I feel the love we both have. But I am so frustrated and confused and oh so tired. This helps and I want to thank all that reply for the help. I am checking the links you listed moimeme, thanks. It takes me a day or so to reply that’s just how I am. I do everything according to how I feel, you know, when it feels "right". Maybe that's my problem ha ha. Think I'll have a good cry and try to go to sleep. Thanks and goodnight everyone.

[nitemans]

I change my mind. After some serious thought I have decided. All my grief IS ALL BECAUSE OF MENOPAUSE.

[moimeme]

Not to make light of your problem, but imagine going through it! Sometimes being female is absolutely no fun at all. I know there are good therapies and stuff but it still scares the bejabbers out of me. I hope by the time I hit it that they've found even better ways of alleviating the symptoms

[niteman]

Wanted to mention how things have gone, I have learned alot going thru this and Im still learning.

[niteman]

Wanted to mention how things have gone, I have learned allot going thru this and I am still learning.

 

I was only half wrong. Menopause alone was not the cause of all my problems, but it sure started it. My mistake was not knowing. Please ladies, if you think you are going into menopause tell your husband. If he loves you he will understand.

 

I lost my mind when my wife rejected me over and over. I did not know about her menopause and thought I was loosing my wife and her love. Madness took over one night and I said things that hurt her. Thats when she told me about menopause. Thats when I started this post.

 

The damage had been done. She is over the menopause but not the hurt.

 

I really do think that if she had told me when it started, that none of this would have happened. Now I just want my wife to forgive me and move on. But it will always be there and I hate that I just hate it.

 

moimeme- I can imagine it's awful.