Sex with my best friend

[Julian45]

let's talk about you for a minute...

 

what makes YOU the kind of man that willingly takes part in inappropriate behavior with your best friends girl?

 

what does that say about YOU?

 

and what changes are YOU willing to make to be sure YOU are no longer THAT MAN? how can Mark believe you are his friend when your actions said otherwise?

 

what changes in YOURSELF (and your character) are you willing to make to be sure you aren't THAT man in the future? if you can't be certain of solid evidence of change - then there is no reason for Mark to believe a word you say to him.

 

THIS is the part YOU CAN do something about... what does that look like for you?

 

I have been presented with numerous chances to engage in this kind of behaviour. I am 45 and never done such a thing until now. I was very attracted to her and the first time very drunk, in fact I can't even remember how we got started, it just seemed to happen.

 

What does it say about me? It says that in this instance I was prepared to allow lust and desire override good sense. It is the only time in my life that I have done such a thing and I know I would never do something like this again. It says that I am a human and capable of making grave errors.

 

I deeply regret my actions and know I wouldn't repeat this kind of behaviour.

 

Mark has known me for 30+ years, we have been very close. He knows that I am basically a decent person. He also knows that people do stupid things when drunk. He also know that if Helen made advances most males would find resisting her charms very difficult. He actually did the same thing I did with her when she was with her previous boyfriend.

 

Personal changes: Best thing for me would be to drink a lot less, avoid Helen for a long time, return to a regular practice if yoga and meditation.

 

I have so many inner conflicts going on as a result of this poor behaviour. I have insulted Mark in a terrible way, harmed their relationship and endangered their family unit. I have potentially lost Helen's friendship forever; this saddens me deeply. I hate to admit this, but sleeping with Helen but making such an inimate connection with her was wonderful and had me entranced, almost drunk on lust for her. Of course I've sobered from that now and would do anything to turn the clock back.

 

Whenever I think of others in awful circumstances i.e suffering a terminal illness, living in abject poverty, losing an entire family etc. I realise that this story could seem trivial, that helps sometimes.

[2sunny]

I have been presented with numerous chances to engage in this kind of behaviour. I am 45 and never done such a thing until now. I was very attracted to her and the first time very drunk, in fact I can't even remember how we got started, it just seemed to happen.

 

What does it say about me? It says that in this instance I was prepared to allow lust and desire override good sense. It is the only time in my life that I have done such a thing and I know I would never do something like this again. It says that I am a human and capable of making grave errors.

 

I deeply regret my actions and know I wouldn't repeat this kind of behaviour.

 

Mark has known me for 30+ years, we have been very close. He knows that I am basically a decent person. He also knows that people do stupid things when drunk. He also know that if Helen made advances most males would find resisting her charms very difficult. He actually did the same thing I did with her when she was with her previous boyfriend.

Personal changes: Best thing for me would be to drink a lot less, avoid Helen for a long time, return to a regular practice if yoga and meditation.

I have so many inner conflicts going on as a result of this poor behaviour. I have insulted Mark in a terrible way, harmed their relationship and endangered their family unit. I have potentially lost Helen's friendship forever; this saddens me deeply. I hate to admit this, but sleeping with Helen but making such an inimate connection with her was wonderful and had me entranced, almost drunk on lust for her. Of course I've sobered from that now and would do anything to turn the clock back.

 

Whenever I think of others in awful circumstances i.e suffering a terminal illness, living in abject poverty, losing an entire family etc. I realise that this story could seem trivial, that helps sometimes.

 

the bolded part is useful but you must also start doing kind acts for others - even strangers.

 

and i can't help but see how you minimize your part in it to some extent. YOU were not drunk the second time you slept with her - so that holds no water for merit. you willingly did it without the alteration of drinking.

 

she is your temptation - best to stay away... for the best interest of everyone's possibility of healing.

 

and i do think you owe Mark an honest apology. he deserves to know what kind of gal he is with - that way he can decide what is best for HIM.

[You Go Girl]

I think you should address the root problem for YOU. Let's set Mark and Helen aside a minute.

You perhaps one day would like to settle down with a wonderful woman and not cheat on her and break her heart. You perhaps would like to be a loyal dedicated partner, an one that isn't selfish.

So having a little talk with yourself about lust, when to act on it, when to sweep those thoughts away, self-control, honesty, values, etc., I'm sure you get what I'm pointing out to you?

And the golden rule of treating others how you would like to be treated? So if one day you had an attractive partner, you wouldn't want Mark boinking her after a few glasses of wine.

Address that issue. You will be a better person and worthy one day of being a partner to someone yourself, regardless of what happens between Mark and Helen.

You will simply be a better person, period.

[Distant78]

I have been presented with numerous chances to engage in this kind of behaviour. I am 45 and never done such a thing until now. I was very attracted to her and the first time very drunk, in fact I can't even remember how we got started, it just seemed to happen.

 

It didn't just happen. You and her were already in an intense emotional affair before the booze got the best of you two, so in that sense, you and her knew what was going to happen. The setting was perfect for you guys. When she came in your door you both knew, but did nothing to stop it.

 

What does it say about me? It says that in this instance I was prepared to allow lust and desire override good sense. It is the only time in my life that I have done such a thing and I know I would never do something like this again. It says that I am a human and capable of making grave errors.

 

Please, not the "i'm human" card. Of course humans are flawed, but in this instance, you knew what was going to happen and you did nothing to stop it. It was a choice.

 

I deeply regret my actions and know I wouldn't repeat this kind of behaviour.

 

Then that should mean staying away from Mark and Helen forever if you're not willing to tell Mark what went down.

 

Mark has known me for 30+ years, we have been very close. He knows that I am basically a decent person. He also knows that people do stupid things when drunk. He also know that if Helen made advances most males would find resisting her charms very difficult. He actually did the same thing I did with her when she was with her previous boyfriend.

 

Just because he knew all of this shouldn't give you the green light to sleep with her while she was with Mark, your best friend.

 

Personal changes: Best thing for me would be to drink a lot less, avoid Helen for a long time, return to a regular practice if yoga and meditation.

 

Avoid Helen forever.

 

I have so many inner conflicts going on as a result of this poor behaviour. I have insulted Mark in a terrible way, harmed their relationship and endangered their family unit. I have potentially lost Helen's friendship forever; this saddens me deeply. I hate to admit this, but sleeping with Helen but making such an inimate connection with her was wonderful and had me entranced, almost drunk on lust for her. Of course I've sobered from that now and would do anything to turn the clock back.

 

This is exactly why you need to stay away from Mark and Helen, and work on yourself to make sure something like this doesn't happen again. This is why affairs are bad.

 

 

 

Whenever I think of others in awful circumstances i.e suffering a terminal illness, living in abject poverty, losing an entire family etc. I realise that this story could seem trivial, that helps sometimes.

 

It will help to avoid these type of situations that could be potential for disaster, in the future.

[Julian45]

Mark has always been cool about Helen and I hanging out together. She is a very independant person and one of the reasons he and Helen have lasted well is because he gives her plenty of space to do her own thing.

 

I have been Helen's best friend for 10+ years and was very much part of Helen's life before they got together.

 

Helen and I have spent loads of time doing stuff together and nothing like this has ever happened before.

 

Mark accepted from the start that our relationship was a platonic one.

 

Helen and I worked very closely together on a very stressful and demanding project for several months. It was towards the end of the project, having spend loads of time together organising, planning, fighting, working hard and stressing that this period of sexual release took place.

 

I know that she loves Mark and regrets her actions. Mark knows that. Mark also knows that I love him and regret my actions.

 

Mark and I are still friends and I know that he would like Helen and I to be friends again, not immediately, but some where down the line when the heat of this situation has died down.

 

He didn't want us to do what we did but I think he accepts that it was 'a mistake waiting to happen'.

 

She and I have always known that we'd be awful partners but can be best of friends. She and I have also always known that Mark is a super partner for her and she'd be unlikely to find a better man.

 

Helen and I both know that we've been very stupid and very selfish and we hate ourselves for it.

[Distant78]

Mark has always been cool about Helen and I hanging out together. She is a very independant person and one of the reasons he and Helen have lasted well is because he gives her plenty of space to do her own thing.

 

I have been Helen's best friend for 10+ years and was very much part of Helen's life before they got together.

 

Helen and I have spent loads of time doing stuff together and nothing like this has ever happened before.

 

Mark accepted from the start that our relationship was a platonic one.

 

Helen and I worked very closely together on a very stressful and demanding project for several months. It was towards the end of the project, having spend loads of time together organising, planning, fighting, working hard and stressing that this period of sexual release took place.

 

I know that she loves Mark and regrets her actions. Mark knows that. Mark also knows that I love him and regret my actions.

 

Mark and I are still friends and I know that he would like Helen and I to be friends again, not immediately, but some where down the line when the heat of this situation has died down.

 

He didn't want us to do what we did but I think he accepts that it was 'a mistake waiting to happen'.

 

She and I have always known that we'd be awful partners but can be best of friends. She and I have also always known that Mark is a super partner for her and she'd be unlikely to find a better man.

 

Helen and I both know that we've been very stupid and very selfish and we hate ourselves for it.

 

Excuses is all I hear man. You want to wait until the heat dies down? Regardless of your situation with Mark, Helen is obviously a NO-NO! Why continue to justify being around Helen when you know its another recipe for disaster? Look at how much damage you did already. Lets see if Mark will put up with you being emotionally and physically close with Helen again if the same thing happens. Do the right thing man and severe all contact with those two, especially Helen.

[Bryanp]

You and Helen make it sound like it was just a single mistake but it happened on three different times. Does Mark know that you had unprotected (?) sex with Helen on three different occasions or is he under the impression that it happened only once?

[Julian45]

Excuses is all I hear man. You want to wait until the heat dies down? Regardless of your situation with Mark, Helen is obviously a NO-NO! Why continue to justify being around Helen when you know its another recipe for disaster? Look at how much damage you did already. Lets see if Mark will put up with you being emotionally and physically close with Helen again if the same thing happens. Do the right thing man and severe all contact with those two, especially Helen.

 

 

I cannot excuse myself for this behaviour. I'm just trying to descibe elements of the scenario clearly.

[Distant78]

I cannot excuse myself for this behaviour. I'm just trying to descibe elements of the scenario clearly.

 

Then why justify continuing to involve yourself with a relationship that has a lot of damage and can be a recipe for future destruction?

[Sal Paradise]

Wow talk about selfish behavior.

 

Not only do you sleep with your friends girl you conveniently tell yourself that he already knows and has forgiven you so you don't have to deal with the consequences.

 

Seriously I don't think I've ever seen one who had the gall to make the assumptions you're making.

 

1) You assume he knows. Why? So you don't have to tell him. Why don't you want to tell him? Because it end your friendship with him and most likely her. Stop trying to pretend like you're doing this for them. You're doing it for you.

 

2) You assume he knows that you regret it. Why? So you don't have to actually tell him you're sorry.

 

3) You assume that he has forgiven you. Why? So you don't have to ask for his forgiveness and take the chance of not being forgiven.

 

It must be great living in a world where scenario's magically play themselves out in your head just the way you'd like them to. Unfortunately that isn't real life. Eventually reality is going to come crashing down and you will be forced to face the consequences of your actions. You can't possibly regret what you've done when you haven't actually faced the reality of it. You're still living in the fantasy where friends sleep with other friends girls and they never talk about it yet everyone magically knows what happened and all is forgiven.

 

Of course you've been living this fantasy for years. Your entire friendship with Helen is based on a fantasy. You can't be friends with someone you want to have sex with. Because ultimately you have ulterior motives. Just as you do in this case.

 

If you had her best interest at heart you'd want her to tell him. If you had his best interest at heart you'd want him to know that one of his friends can't be trusted and slept with his girlfriend. The only persons interest you're protecting is yours and you're making every excuse in the world to protect yourself.

 

At least be man enough to admit it. There is nothing more pathetic than someone who is lying to protect themselves and who claims to be doing it for other people.

Edited August 23, 2010 by Sal Paradise
grammar

[You Go Girl]

Tough, but perhaps excellent and nailed it, sal paradise.

Meanwhile, OP, have you any thoughts on my thread about YOUR behavior? Not Helen or Mark...just YOU. Who are you? What are your values? How much does honesty mean to YOU? Would you like to one day be capable of being loyal?

I know everyone's threads feel like attacks. But sincerely, my thread is just asking you to examine yourself.

[2sunny]

=Julian45;2955983Mark has always been cool about Helen and I hanging out together. She is a very independant person and one of the reasons he and Helen have lasted well is because he gives her plenty of space to do her own thing.

 

so ask Mark for permission - does doing her "own thing" include permission to do her? it's an honest question to him... let him give you his perspective of what he's comfortable with - then follow what he tells you. but first be clear with him that you both had sex and MAY fall prey to that again when you spend more time getting close again.

 

 

I have been Helen's best friend for 10+ years and was very much part of Helen's life before they got together.

 

yes, but everything changes after you cross that boundary and have sex.

 

Helen and I have spent loads of time doing stuff together and nothing like this has ever happened before.

 

yes, but everything changes after you cross that boundary and have sex.

 

Mark accepted from the start that our relationship was a platonic one.

 

 

yes, but everything changes after you cross that boundary and have sex.

 

Helen and I worked very closely together on a very stressful and demanding project for several months. It was towards the end of the project, having spend loads of time together organising, planning, fighting, working hard and stressing that this period of sexual release took place.

yes, but everything changes after you cross that boundary and have sex.

 

I know that she loves Mark and regrets her actions. Mark knows that. Mark also knows that I love him and regret my actions.

 

this is SO many assumptions on your part. ask. ask for their truth.

 

Mark and I are still friends and I know that he would like Helen and I to be friends again, not immediately, but some where down the line when the heat of this situation has died down.

 

 

yes, but everything changes after you cross that boundary and have sex.

this is SO many assumptions on your part. ask. ask for their truth.

 

 

He didn't want us to do what we did but I think he accepts that it was 'a mistake waiting to happen'.

 

yes, but everything changes after you cross that boundary and have sex.

this is SO many assumptions on your part. ask. ask for their truth.

 

 

She and I have always known that we'd be awful partners but can be best of friends. She and I have also always known that Mark is a super partner for her and she'd be unlikely to find a better man.

 

yes, but everything changes after you cross that boundary and have sex.

this is SO many assumptions on your part. ask. ask for their truth. you don't REALLY know what goes on between two people, just as Mark didn't REALLY know what was going on when he trusted both of you.

 

Helen and I both know that we've been very stupid and very selfish and we hate ourselves for it.

 

yes, but everything changes after you cross that boundary and have sex.

this is SO many assumptions on your part. ask. ask for their truth. you need to leave Helen alone.

 

 

 

honestly - if you would go find your own girlfriend - you wouldn't be having this issue... start dating!!!!!

[Tony T]

Let Helen come to you in her own time. Meanwhile, forget she exists. Yeah, it's awkward and painful but it's really awkward for her.

[BlackLovely]

Ten years ago a good friend of mine met a really nice woman, Helen, and they started dating. She soon became a very good friend of mine. She subsequently left the original boyfriend and started seeing another friend of mine, Mark. The three of us have been really good pals for a long time.

Helen is somewhat independent and generally prefers male company. She and I developed a very close friendship. She's a very attractive woman, intelligent, funny, spontaneous and good fun to be with. I have always fancied her but known that she doesn't fancy me but really likes my company and over the years we've spent a great deal of time together.

Mark is a super guy, he rarely gets cross or angry, is very level headed and patient, kind and understanding.

I've always believed that Mark is the perfect partner for Helen. She has quite pronounced mood swings and can display a lot of anger sometimes. He tends to be able to deal very well with this and also gives her the independence she needs.

Quite recently she decided to start a business. I gave her a lot of assistance and we worked together closely for around six months. The process was stressful and we would argue and fight sometimes but we would always get over these problems.

 

One evening a few months ago he dropped her off at my house, she just wanted to hang out and have a few drinks. Mark went home with their little boy to put him to bed. She and I drank a few bottles of wine and played music and chatted. We did this sort of thing a lot. Anyhow on this particular evening things got out of hand. We were both very drunk and my memory is vague regarding how things started but at some point in the evening we kissed and the next moment there was underwear strewn about the room and we had sex for hours in a wild lusty manner.

She didn't go home that night. Mark was on the phone at 6.30 the following morning. I made the excuse that we had got drunk and she'd passed out on the sofa. This had never happened before.

 

Mark was clearly suspicious but didn't say so. Helen and I spoke the next day and agreed that we had been very silly and we would never do it again and never mention anything.

 

Helen and I continued to develop her business and a couple of months later a small group of people who were involved needed to stay at a remote house in the countryside. The work we did was concluded in a week and the rest of the team left and drove home. It got late and Helen and I decided to do the long drive home the following day.

I was very tired and went to bed early. She stayed up for a couple of hours and drank quite a bit. She then came up to my room and got in my bed. If I didn't find her so attractive it would've been easy to say no as I was sober and tired, but I just couldn't resist and we ended up having sex again.

A few days later we got drunk at my house and ended up having sex until the daybreak. She didn't go home and though nothing was said Mark was now fully aware of the infidelity that was going on.

 

A day or two later I told her that we must stop doing this.

Neither of us have said anything to Mark but I know he's not stupid and it's very obvious that we have behaved badly.

 

A few days later Helen stopped answering my calls. In fact she was now totally blanking me. Mark on the other hand is still my buddy and we hang out several times a month.

 

Everytime I see him I feel utterly dreadful. He's my lovely friend of 30 years and I have betrayed his trust in the most dreadful of ways. When we hang out it's like there is a massive elephant in the room, this dreadful thing that we both know about but can't talk about.

I feel disgusted with myself. I put the unity of my best friend's family at risk. I have seriously wronged someone I love. I really thought I was a better person than that. My feelings of self worth have gone down the toilet.

 

Mark and Helen seem to be carrying on as normal.

Mark and I are pretending everything is ok.

Helen won't acknowledge me in any way and actively avoids any social situations where we might meet.

I have insulted one of my best friends. I have lost the friendship of Helen. I have insulted my own integrity.

 

Anyone out there experienced this sort of thing? I don't know what to do. Should I talk to Mark? Should I attempt a reconciliation with Helen? We have been great pals for 10 years and it's dreadful to think that we can never be friends again.

 

If any one who reads this is thinking about bonking a friend who is in a relationship with another friend DON'T DO IT. A few hours of fun isn't worth a lifetime of regret, pain and emotional disharmony.

 

About 2 months later...

 

Mark and I recently spent some really good quality time together and it has become clear that he forgives me for this awful transgression.

 

I continue to feel desperate to reconcile with Helen but haven't got a clue how to go about it. I think Mark will encourage reconciliation and I'll probably seek his advice on that.

 

Any comments or advice gratefully recieved.

 

You are going to ask your friend, whose wife you have slept with more than once, if you should stay friends with his wife??! This strikes me as extremely self centered. You are clearly only looking out for your own interests, just like Helen.

 

The two of you are taking advantage is his calm and patient manner. He seems like a weak, hen pecked man with no self esteem. Helen doesn't have any reverence for him or the relationship.

 

Everyone makes mistakes, especially when under the influence. However, to crawl into your bed the second time, as well as spend hours having sex AGAIN, shows that this was very calculated. Helen sounds like.....ah, this is a moderated forum.

 

Why would you repeatedly have sex with YOUR FRIEND'S WIFE and then tell her you should stop? Why would you continue in the first place? Something is fishy; I'm very skeptical that you feel guilty at all.

 

I feel sorry for Mark. He seems like a sweetheart who allows people to walk all over him. How sad~ the the people who he should be able to trust the most don't even care he feels! Mark needs assertiveness training and therapy. An emotionally healthy person would not allow himself to be abused-you and Helen are not treating him with the kindness he deserves. I don't think that either of you love Mark.

 

Stay away from Mark and Helen. You have done more than enough damage. Do some soul searching; ask yourself why your needs are the most important. Read up on narcissism.

[Julian45]

Wow talk about selfish behavior.

 

Not only do you sleep with your friends girl you conveniently tell yourself that he already knows and has forgiven you so you don't have to deal with the consequences.

 

Seriously I don't think I've ever seen one who had the gall to make the assumptions you're making.

 

1) You assume he knows. Why? So you don't have to tell him. Why don't you want to tell him? Because it end your friendship with him and most likely her. Stop trying to pretend like you're doing this for them. You're doing it for you.

 

2) You assume he knows that you regret it. Why? So you don't have to actually tell him you're sorry.

 

3) You assume that he has forgiven you. Why? So you don't have to ask for his forgiveness and take the chance of not being forgiven.

 

It must be great living in a world where scenario's magically play themselves out in your head just the way you'd like them to. Unfortunately that isn't real life. Eventually reality is going to come crashing down and you will be forced to face the consequences of your actions. You can't possibly regret what you've done when you haven't actually faced the reality of it. You're still living in the fantasy where friends sleep with other friends girls and they never talk about it yet everyone magically knows what happened and all is forgiven.

 

Of course you've been living this fantasy for years. Your entire friendship with Helen is based on a fantasy. You can't be friends with someone you want to have sex with. Because ultimately you have ulterior motives. Just as you do in this case.

 

If you had her best interest at heart you'd want her to tell him. If you had his best interest at heart you'd want him to know that one of his friends can't be trusted and slept with his girlfriend. The only persons interest you're protecting is yours and you're making every excuse in the world to protect yourself.

 

At least be man enough to admit it. There is nothing more pathetic than someone who is lying to protect themselves and who claims to be doing it for other people.

 

 

Sal, thank you for your reply. I am very confused at the moment, I really regret what has happened and I want to do the right thing. It's hard for me to swallow but I respect your perpective on this.

 

I am still very uncertain over how to proceed. I can accept that my current thinking could be very wide of the mark and that I am frightened to face up to things. But the last thing I want to do is to cause them any more harm.

 

So let's say that I tell Mark about the whole thing and come clean. Please explain how this is going to benefit them and their relationship. This is the bit I can't get my head around. How is confessing all the Mark going to help them? If I could clearly see the benefits of doing so then I would tell Mark all about it.

 

My current policy is to stay out of their way and avoid all contact with Helen.

 

Please help me understand how telling all will help them. Thanks.

[Julian45]

Tough, but perhaps excellent and nailed it, sal paradise.

Meanwhile, OP, have you any thoughts on my thread about YOUR behavior? Not Helen or Mark...just YOU. Who are you? What are your values? How much does honesty mean to YOU? Would you like to one day be capable of being loyal?

I know everyone's threads feel like attacks. But sincerely, my thread is just asking you to examine yourself.

 

Thanks for your input. Sal may very well be right. I am not happy about my behaviour and it will surely cause my discomfort for a long time to come. I have the rest of my life to try to consistantly be a better person.

 

Right now though I just want to do the right thing regarding Helen and Mark.

[Bryanp]

Julian,

 

You seem like a caring man but it now seems clear as Sal pointed out that Mark does not know the extent and how many times of your sexual involvement with Helen. I agree with Sal that your claim it will hurt Mark telling him the truth is way for you to avoid consequences of your actions and allow yourself to remain friends with Mark and eventually down the line with Helen. What will be gained by telling Mark:

 

1. Mark will know what exactly went on and how many times.

2. Mark will know what Helen is capable of doing behind his back since at least one of the times she was not drunk.

3. Mark will have all of the information needed to make an informed decision of if and where he wishes to go with his relationship with Helen now and in the future.

4. Mark will know what kind of friend Julian is and can determine if he indeed wishes to remain friends with him now or in the future.

5. Mark will see that you manned up to him and stop allowing you and Helen to play him for a fool by withholding important information that he needed to know. He will respect you for this.

6. Finally if the roles were reversed, would you wish to remain in the dark and be played for a fool?

 

It is not a question of whether you wish to hurt Mark and Helen. You already have as well as Helen hurting Mark. You both but especially Helen have disrespected Mark to the core and you continue to do so by not allowing him to have all the information needed to determine how he wishes to proceed in this relationship with Helen now and in the future. You and Helen are like a puppet master playing Mark as a puppet. Only the truth can set you all free. Do the right thing. Good luck.

[2sunny]

Mark needs to know for Mark. he already understands that he started with Helen when she was dating your friend... so she is consistent about seeing men that are friendly with each other - this is not news to anyone.

 

give Mark your truth - let him do with that as he deems necessary, for him.

[Julian45]

Hi folks, thanks for all your feedback, much appreciated

[2sunny]

Hi folks, thanks for all your feedback, much appreciated

 

good luck with that!

[lkjh]

Dude all you are doing is making excuses for not doing the right thing and the right thing is to tell Mark the truth. For starters he has a right to know, second you admitted she has cheated before and this will not be the last time so help him protect his health, third I can assure you that if he suspects something than he is being tormented by all of this, and lastly you need to tell him because you claim to be his friend

[Sal Paradise]

But the last thing I want to do is to cause them any more harm.

 

She cheated on him before she did it with you. She cheated on her last guy to be with him. She has a pattern of irresponsible, self centered behavior. Telling him the truth won't do him any more harm than she has already done.

 

Not telling him the truth could lead to him being hard more. Because SHE WILL CHEAT AGAIN. Perhaps not with you but with someone else.

 

So let's say that I tell Mark about the whole thing and come clean. Please explain how this is going to benefit them and their relationship. This is the bit I can't get my head around. How is confessing all the Mark going to help them? If I could clearly see the benefits of doing so then I would tell Mark all about it.

 

It benefits Mark by helping him avoid STD's. An STD could ruin his life or even cost him his life. He has the right to know that his wifes vagina is not a one way street.

 

He has a right to know that this person that he is in a partnership with is betraying him.

 

If this were two friends of yours and they were partners in a business. And one partner was embezzling funds and putting them both at risk for jail time you wouldn't ask yourself - should I tell him? You would do it because he would have the right to know so he can protect himself.

 

The same is true in a relationship. He has a right to protect his health, finances, and emotional well being from the absolute train wreck that is his girlfriend. Because she will eventually screw up and get caught. AND IT WILL DESTROY HIM.

 

Would you like to be just one more guy in his life that screwed his girl behind his back without a shed of guilt? Just one more guy who lacked the integrity to accept the responsibility of their actions? If you are truly his friend, if you feel anything that resembles compassion for this man - YOU HAVE TO TELL HIM.

 

A decent human being would see that he has no other choice but the truth.

 

Before you cheated with his girl at some point you were at a crossroads. You could have taken path A or path B. You chose the easy, selfish path and betrayed your friend in the most foul way possible. Now you're at another crossroads and you once again have two paths...

 

Path A - The path you've been on. The selfish easy path of a coward who protects himself by concealing the truth.

 

Path B - The path of a boy who wants to act like a man again by owning up to what he and accepting the consequences. A man who realizes that he let his friend down before and can't sit by and do that again. A man who gives his friend the greatest gift if he can in this situation - The Truth.

 

 

 

If you're the decent person and friend you claim to be you would understand that Path B is truly the only way forward. Every day you walk down Path A you're running in circles. Every day you conceal the truth from him you're lying and helping her cheat on him all over again.

 

Time to man up.

[Julian45]

To all you folks that kindly took time out of your day to respond to my post, many thanks.

 

I spoke with a Christian cousellor earlier today and like most of you he suggested that I confess to Mark.

 

I'm going to arrange for he and I to go out and walk in the countryside so that we are on neutral ground, face to face, can't be overheard and will have an hour or two to talk things through.

 

I won't be going in to the sordid details, I'll just clarify what he already suspects. I will tell him that I love him and deeply regret my selfish actions and a that the affair was very short lived and there hasn't been years of deceit.

 

Again, many thanks for your considered responses.

 

Any suggestions on how I tackle this thorny issue gratefully received.

[Bryanp]

Congratulations Julian.

You are doing the right thing. Just be honest and sincere. Answer any and all questions Mark may ask you.

 

Good luck.

[2sunny]

To all you folks that kindly took time out of your day to respond to my post, many thanks.

 

I spoke with a Christian cousellor earlier today and like most of you he suggested that I confess to Mark.

 

I'm going to arrange for he and I to go out and walk in the countryside so that we are on neutral ground, face to face, can't be overheard and will have an hour or two to talk things through.

 

I won't be going in to the sordid details, I'll just clarify what he already suspects. I will tell him that I love him and deeply regret my selfish actions and a that the affair was very short lived and there hasn't been years of deceit.

 

Again, many thanks for your considered responses.

 

Any suggestions on how I tackle this thorny issue gratefully received.

 

this is good for both of you - and his reaction will allow you to understand what the future will bring. i agree with not offering anything more than the truth in simple terms.

 

then - let HIM ask you what he needs to know - for HIS own peace of mind.

 

then - ask him what he would like from you. he may request you never contact Helen again - and IF that is what he requests, and you intend to be a man who intends to repair this friendship, then you need to honor his request - be a man of YOUR word - and follow suit.

 

if you would get busy dating - you would think of her less often... and begin moving forward and focusing more on other people than just this one couple.

 

 

big hugs for your willingness to do what is right.