tornandmarried Posted August 24, 2010 Share Posted August 24, 2010 just cuz hes not completely over his marriage after 3.5 years doesnt mean hes not worth dating....if u were out of a marriage for a few years wouldnt u want to move on and be with someone new? but maybe if u let him talk about it and get it all out and share your own relationship stories you two can look past it all...but who knows, dont feel guilty about being "the other girl that left him" if your not happy leave, if he worth wait and see do that Link to post Share on other sites
Steadfast Posted August 25, 2010 Share Posted August 25, 2010 Who knows what immense intelligence could reveal itself post-menopausal? Well, in a few years I'll check back with a report, either of me mumbling to myself in my garden in my pajamas, my 40 cats, and my long wild grey hair flying around...or with a sanity you men will never know. Maybe you should be jealous of menopause. Heh. The greatest intelligence is simple, straightforward and easy to understand. That's how people should be with one another, but all the wishing in the world won't make it happen. Trying to crawl inside someone else's brain might solve some of the problems, but undoubtedly would create new ones. All we can do is handle out own business, and trust others to the same. No doubt struggling with that very thing is the reason many log on here daily- Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted August 25, 2010 Share Posted August 25, 2010 This is going to hurt. I'm very sorry, but, he doesn't love you as much as he loved his wife. This he knows, and wants to marry again, and say those three little words, when a new woman arouses feelings in him that are at least as passionate as it was with her. Break up with him. He can't get past the "you're fun" stage. If there's anything else in his heart for you, breaking up with him is going to release it, make him want to keep you, and try to get you back. That's on the assumption that he is procrastinating being committed again, and needs to be jolted into waking up. 3 1/2 years is a long time though. Sorry, don't bet on him. Your a typical relationship that leads to marriage (that last) is about 3.5 to 4 years long. Anything less or greater than that? Has about a 90% divorce rate ~ that is to say that a couple that has dated for less than year has the same divroce rate as one that has date seven or more years (Thus LisaUK) ~ {Sidebar ~ Those who have graduate degrees that marry? Have the same divorce rate as high school graduates? ) That is to say there's a "break or make" point ~ and your at that point. Your just going to have to lay it out for him to either get with the program, get counseling over his trust issues, etc ~ or get to moving it on down the line. Your thirty! Don't be a fool an waste the best years of your life and your youth on someone that's not worthy of it! Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted August 25, 2010 Share Posted August 25, 2010 He's probably afraid of getting hurt again. Divorce is very traumatic and hurtful. Give him time, he'll be ready again. I seldom disagree with you CB, but after all these years? "Its time to either lead, follow or get the Hell out tha way!" I'm just going to say it! "Are we in a serious long-term relationship leading to a life time commitment toward one another? Or you just using me for sex?" Link to post Share on other sites
You Go Girl Posted August 25, 2010 Share Posted August 25, 2010 The greatest intelligence is simple, straightforward and easy to understand. That's how people should be with one another, but all the wishing in the world won't make it happen. Trying to crawl inside someone else's brain might solve some of the problems, but undoubtedly would create new ones. All we can do is handle out own business, and trust others to the same. No doubt struggling with that very thing is the reason many log on here daily- Steadfast--it sounds like you are saying common sense isn't so common anymore! Link to post Share on other sites
Steadfast Posted August 25, 2010 Share Posted August 25, 2010 (edited) Steadfast--it sounds like you are saying common sense isn't so common anymore! Honestly, I'm not sure what I'm saying but in regards to the OP, love shouldn't be a guessing game. Hollywood has made millions rehashing the classic 'will they/won't they' theme, but in real life this plays out more like a cruel game. Love, or rather true love, shouldn't depress; it should start out hot, fun, goofy, deep, emotional, and with uncontrollable passion. For me, I know it's love when I wake up in the middle of the night and wonder where she is at that moment. if she's OK. I miss and want to be near her. Countless times in my 16-year marriage I woke and checked her; even though she was young and perfectly healthy. I'd cover her, kiss her hair and whisper my love. I'd find peace just listening to her breathing. Bottom line, not everyone has the ability to express themselves so gracefully, but at the same time relationships shouldn't be a big puzzle either. Chances are, how this guy is acting is how he feels- Edited August 25, 2010 by Steadfast Link to post Share on other sites
You Go Girl Posted August 25, 2010 Share Posted August 25, 2010 Honestly, I'm not sure what I'm saying but in regards to the OP, love shouldn't be a guessing game. Hollywood has made millions rehashing the classic 'will they/won't they' theme, but in real life this plays out more like a cruel game. relationships shouldn't be a big puzzle either. Chances are, how this guy is acting is how he feels- Thanks for the underlined. I was having a relapse, although it was simply sentimentality sneaking in, not any full-blown regret, and those lines straightened me out again. The underlined things above were my normal life for 6 years. The hollywood movie thing-oh wow is all I'm going to say. I don't talk very much about myself anymore because this cover blown, so posting on LS is wide open for other's viewing. We seem to have lost the OP (hopefully temporarily) but we definitely agree that a man doesn't sum up his feelings for his gf after a year "You're fun" if he has deeper passion for her. Those words are the kiss of death if one is hoping for love. Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted August 25, 2010 Share Posted August 25, 2010 I seldom disagree with you CB, but after all these years? "Its time to either lead, follow or get the Hell out tha way!" I'm just going to say it! "Are we in a serious long-term relationship leading to a life time commitment toward one another? Or you just using me for sex?" Oh i get what your saying. I'm also thinking the same thing in the back of my mind as well... Some men cant open there hearts again. I know i'm one of them. but im trying. im trying you know. I'm just telling the OP to keep at it. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted August 25, 2010 Share Posted August 25, 2010 Oh i get what your saying. I'm also thinking the same thing in the back of my mind as well... Some men cant open there hearts again. I know i'm one of them. but im trying. im trying you know. I'm just telling the OP to keep at it. I'm one of them as well. Whenever I see a friend going through this kind of stuff I am reminded of my divorce and it makes me never want to trust a woman again. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted August 25, 2010 Share Posted August 25, 2010 IMO, one must consider whether it's fair, respectful and loving to keep a partner who openly loves one at arm's length and in a 'limbo' of sorts. Is that really balanced and healthy? Having experienced that arm in my chest in my marriage, I will opine it is none of those things and will choose to avoid such circumstances with anyone ever again. I'll be happy to love and embrace, not 3.5 years after divorce, but *right now*, the kind of open and honest love someone like the OP deserves. Her BF isn't required to offer it. She can choose to remain and accept what he does offer. She's young. I hope that works for her. At my age, absolutely no way. Bye bye Link to post Share on other sites
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