dating a divorced man who is 'emotionally numb'

[baconlover]

Wow, this board has been EXTREMELY helpful and really helped me see the issues from a neutral perspective. THANK YOU

 

This is what I’ve decided what the ‘reality’ is:

 

Reality: he doesn’t love me.

 

Whether it’s because he does care for me but is emotionally numb, or if its that I’m just not the one, it’s a lose/lose situation. I need to be in a relationship that has a strong emotional connection & he is just not able to give that to me. Staying with him right now isn’t going to change that.

 

That being said, I’m hesitant to totally cut it off right now without giving him even a chance at redeeming himself. So, what I’m going to do is this – we have a 4 day trip to NYC planned this upcoming weekend, but after the conversation we had this past weekend I just can’t see myself having ‘fun’ and enjoying myself because of the concerns I have over our relationship. I’m going to call him and tell him that I’m not going to go with him on the trip. Then, I’ll sit back and see how he deals with it.

 

Is that a good move? Thoughts?

Edited August 23, 2010 by baconlover
formatting

[carhill]

Well, if it were Labor Day weekend, I'd see you there, if you decided to go

 

Hmm, tough one. One side says one last chance, the other side says cut losses now. I wish I could give you a good answer, but I don't have one. I've had 'talks' on such trips and never have the outcomes been positive. Obviously, if no one addresses the issue, nothing will change.

 

OK, I kinda did something like this and I will say 'go, accept what the dynamic is and make a decision when you get back'. The man isn't abusive, merely distant, so there's no safety issues. Approach it with an open mind and accept the realities, no matter which way they fall.

 

See what others say.... good luck

[habs53]

Wow, this board has been EXTREMELY helpful and really helped me see the issues from a neutral perspective. THANK YOU

 

This is what I’ve decided what the ‘reality’ is:

 

Reality: he doesn’t love me.

 

Whether it’s because he does care for me but is emotionally numb, or if its that I’m just not the one, it’s a lose/lose situation. I need to be in a relationship that has a strong emotional connection & he is just not able to give that to me. Staying with him right now isn’t going to change that.

 

That being said, I’m hesitant to totally cut it off right now without giving him even a chance at redeeming himself. So, what I’m going to do is this – we have a 4 day trip to NYC planned this upcoming weekend, but after the conversation we had this past weekend I just can’t see myself having ‘fun’ and enjoying myself because of the concerns I have over our relationship. I’m going to call him and tell him that I’m not going to go with him on the trip. Then, I’ll sit back and see how he deals with it.

 

Is that a good move? Thoughts?

The chance of losing you may snap him back into reality. Try not to blame him for how he feels. Basically it is hard to feel for anything when you are in this state.

[You Go Girl]

I suggest we all stop trying to read this man's mind, me included.

 

OP--Why don't you just ask him a few key questions? Or how about just this one--Would he like this relationship to go farther, or is he comfortable and would like it to stay as it is?

Wouldn't that question answer many others too?

[habs53]

I suggest we all stop trying to read this man's mind, me included.

 

OP--Why don't you just ask him a few key questions? Or how about just this one--Would he like this relationship to go farther, or is he comfortable and would like it to stay as it is?

Wouldn't that question answer many others too?

Trying to read minds is fun.

[carhill]

How many people would give an honest answer surely resulting in the relationship ending?

 

It will be 'I don't know. I love spending time with you. We're so good together. It's all this stuff from my past. It just constipates me'

 

Seriously, guys who are good at this stuff have an answer for everything. Me, I said 'I can't live like this anymore. This is what I want from you in our marriage'. Answer: Divorce. Perhaps I need a few lessons in the string-along from this guy

[You Go Girl]

Trying to read minds is fun.

 

haha! A fun time waster, even if fruitless.

[Angel1111]

How many people would give an honest answer surely resulting in the relationship ending?

 

It will be 'I don't know. I love spending time with you. We're so good together. It's all this stuff from my past. It just constipates me'

 

Isn't that exactly what he did tell her?

[carhill]

Yes, and it's just nothing BS. It's what men who like getting noogie without emotional investment say because they're thinking the relationship. I was married to a woman like that. Yuk

[You Go Girl]

How many people would give an honest answer surely resulting in the relationship ending?

 

It will be 'I don't know. I love spending time with you. We're so good together. It's all this stuff from my past. It just constipates me'

 

Seriously, guys who are good at this stuff have an answer for everything. Me, I said 'I can't live like this anymore. This is what I want from you in our marriage'. Answer: Divorce. Perhaps I need a few lessons in the string-along from this guy

 

Huh. I was young and naive I guess to the lessons of the 'string-along' 101 class. I remember a guy who wanted to get serious with me when I was in my early 20's, and when he brought up wanting to have a talk about us, I simply and honestly said--Why can't we leave it just as it is? He barely frowned, and then that is just what we did.

We dated for several more years casually and sporadically, just as it was. I did get engaged to somebody else some years later, and he ran into me and noticably winced when he looked at my ring finger, and said something that revealed he was hurt.

I think the answer was there years before. If he was hoping for marriage, he should have written me off. He was probably being too patient, thinking I needed more time to mature as he was 8 years older than me.

Maybe, with a little luck on her side, this guy hasn't taken the string-along class either, and will reveal to her that he simply likes it as it is.

Edited August 24, 2010 by You Go Girl

[You Go Girl]

Yes, and it's just nothing BS. It's what men who like getting noogie without emotional investment say because they're thinking the relationship. I was married to a woman like that. Yuk

 

I missed apparently that he already told her that.

BTW, isn't it nookie? )

[You Go Girl]

Urban dictionary:

Noogie: A painful sensation caused by the rubbing of knuckle, fist, or hand to ones head. Generally causing hair displacement and mild cursing.

 

Now I did learn something new today. What that is called that my dad used to do to me! He called it a "dutch rub".

[carhill]

Let's go back and read the OP....

 

he is very private and cautious about what he says, in part because he is a lawyer, and I was assuming also because of the divorce.

 

Interesting how cautious he says he is, in light of what's to come....

 

In the conversation he said that the divorce, which he previously said wasn't a big deal, actually hurt him deeply and that he feels emotionally numb. He said that he wants to work on it but doesn't know how. He said that he will work on it because he knows that its important to me.

 

He flip-flopped from indifferent to OMG I'm hurt but I'll work on that for *you*.

 

Continuing, after 12 months of dating and sex:

 

He also said he believes there is long term potential for us. But, when I asked him exactly how does he feel about us right now, all he said is 'I have fun with you and enjoy being around you'

 

This is masterful. Classic. I've heard this with my own ears from MW's. God it's sweet.

 

He explained to me how hurt he is inside, how scared of emotions he is and how going through the divorce made him doubt the concept of love. At the same time, he tells me often how he wants to get married again and have kids....

 

Sympathy pull. Perfect. I want to hold his head in my lap and stroke his manly lawyer brow because he's so hurt and he wants (somebody) to have his babies someday. Outstanding.

 

Here's a program note: Notice the star here? I mean, I wanna buy a billboard.

 

I'm hoping the OP will see I'm psychotic and run back to lawyer sensitive I'm so hurt man and get him to marry her and have his babies and live happily ever after. Actually, I really do, but it ain't gonna happen in a lifetime of Sundays.

 

Here's a peace offering. OP, ask him to go to couple's counseling with you. You set it up. I want you to make this work and prove the other posters right and me wrong. Tomorrow. Set it up. He makes a decent living and can take an hour off. Good luck

[carhill]

Urban dictionary:

Noogie: A painful sensation caused by the rubbing of knuckle, fist, or hand to ones head. Generally causing hair displacement and mild cursing.

 

Now I did learn something new today. What that is called that my dad used to do to me! He called it a "dutch rub".

You're right, that's what stbx used to do to me instead of nookie, accompanied by 'you know my girlfriends always wondered why I would date a bald guy'

Edited August 24, 2010 by carhill

[BetweenHere&There]

Urban dictionary:

Noogie: A painful sensation caused by the rubbing of knuckle, fist, or hand to ones head. Generally causing hair displacement and mild cursing.

 

Now I did learn something new today. What that is called that my dad used to do to me! He called it a "dutch rub".

 

Ick!! Let's not mix noogie and nookie....YGG, my memories of "noogies" are the same as yours....would rather not think of them any other way....:sick:

[habs53]

I believe this person is trying his best to be sincere. I dont think he is making this stuff up. He probably is an emotional wreck and he is not kidding on knowing how to fix this.

[Jilly Bean]

I think what he's saying is that you're Ms. Right Now, not Mrs. Right.

[dgiirl]

I can relate to what this guy might be feeling.

 

After being married for 10 years, thinking about committing to the first guy in my life after has been pretty scary. The first 6 months of dating, I kept freaking out because my mind would constantly jump from casual dating to marriage and kids and divorce. It was constantly 20 steps ahead of what it should have been. Instead of my head thinking slowly like a normal relationship progress, I would jump from the beginning to 10 years in advanced, and naturally I was not ready for making such a commitment.

 

Perhaps this is what your man is feeling? Perhaps he thinks if he says he loves you it means he has to propose marriage and have kids today?

 

Thankfully my boyfriend was in no way looking for such a commitment from me and had the patience to stay and tell me we'll just take it day by day. It was about a year into the relationship where I accidentally said "I love you" and it totally freaked me out. Saying it has been pretty hard. There is some truth that I do not love him the way I loved my exh which is part of the reason I had difficulty saying it in the beginning. And that has made me question a lot of things. However, I've come to realize that I will never love any man the same way I loved my exh. There was naiveness in my love for my exh where I use to believe in love happily ever after. Where nothing could ever touch me and nothing would ever hurt us. I no longer believe that and that affects the way I now love. However, that doesn't mean I do not love my boyfriend. Our love is very different. I love him for completely other reasons than my exh. I think our love is a lot more mature. We're together because we want to be not because we have to be. And I know I will be ok without him too. It's pretty hard to explain but I feel it's more of a grown up type of love.

 

However, the main thing you have to ask yourself, are you happy with your current relationship? Are your needs being met? If you break up in 2/5/20 years from now, will you regret anything? Remember, there is no guarantee in ANY relationship, even IF he could say he loves you it doesn't mean you will stay together forever. But if he shows his love in other ways and you feel it, is it enough? How important is it to you to have him say those words? You basically have to figure out what your real needs are and see if they are being met. If they are not, or you will regret staying in this relationship if it doesn't work in your favor, then it's time to go.

 

As for my boyfriend and I, I definitely do not want to get married again. At least not for a loooooong time. My boyfriend does not have marriage as a life goal. He could take it or leave it. We both would like to live with one another but neither of us are in a rush to do so either. If I find out in 5 or 10 years from now, my boyfriend never loved me or never wanted to get married, I don't think I would regret the time I am with him now. My needs are currently being met and I'm happy. And only time will actually tell if we are to have a happily ever after or not so I stop worrying about the future and if he's "the one".

[Angel1111]

I believe this person is trying his best to be sincere. I dont think he is making this stuff up. He probably is an emotional wreck and he is not kidding on knowing how to fix this.

 

I also believe he's being honest. What he's basically saying is that he enjoys having a warm body around, but she's really not anymore special to him than anyone else. He's also saying that he's so jaded about life and love, that he doesn't know how to recover. However real his words and pain are, it doesn't mean he's relationship material. If he's unable to give love, then he needs to be on his own and work out his issues before involving someone else into his troubled world.

Edited August 24, 2010 by Angel1111

[BetweenHere&There]

Thankfully my boyfriend was in no way looking for such a commitment from me and had the patience to stay and tell me we'll just take it day by day. It was about a year into the relationship where I accidentally said "I love you" and it totally freaked me out. Saying it has been pretty hard. There is some truth that I do not love him the way I loved my exh which is part of the reason I had difficulty saying it in the beginning. And that has made me question a lot of things. However, I've come to realize that I will never love any man the same way I loved my exh. There was naiveness in my love for my exh where I use to believe in love happily ever after. Where nothing could ever touch me and nothing would ever hurt us. I no longer believe that and that affects the way I now love. However, that doesn't mean I do not love my boyfriend. Our love is very different. I love him for completely other reasons than my exh. I think our love is a lot more mature. We're together because we want to be not because we have to be. And I know I will be ok without him too. It's pretty hard to explain but I feel it's more of a grown up type of love.

 

Dgiirl - I've been waiting for someone to put into words what I have felt like posting...bravo!!

[Steadfast]

 

I'm very sorry, but, he doesn't love you as much as he loved his wife. This he knows, and wants to marry again, and say those three little words, when a new woman arouses feelings in him that are at least as passionate as it was with her.

 

Break up with him.

 

 

No offense YGG...but are you a man? I ask because this is 99.9% on the money, leaving just the slightest doubt for error. I suppose women could be guilty of this as well, if they didn't want to or feared being alone.

 

People underrate passion. The truth is, it's key. It's everything before the menopausal stage anyway, and maybe not even then-

[2sunny]

Adding more info:

He is very good at showing his affections through actions, touch, spending time with me, prioritizing us etc. He just can't say 'it'.

 

We've done all the classic things like meet eachothers parents, go on trips together, hang out with eachothers friends etc. That being said, I made it clear to him that if he can't open up emotionally that our relationship won't work out.

 

if you're not willing to break up with him - find out if he really cares. since he won't acknowledge with words that he loves you - then don't have sex with him anymore.

 

you'll find out real quick if he loves being with you - or not.

 

and if he's so interested in learning how to open up - let him pay a therapist to teach him. it's hard work and exhausting... why would you want to try to do that for someone else? do it for yourself and let him handle him.

Edited August 24, 2010 by 2sunny

[spriggig]

He's not in love with you. He's hanging on because he doesn't want to be alone and doesn't want to "be out there" again. He wasn't ready when he met you and being with you has held him in limbo, he can't heal while he's emotionally stuck in a relationship with you. There is a void in his heart that can only be filled by himself or his ex--not you. He can never be whole as long as you're in the way.

 

It's time to move on.

[You Go Girl]

No offense YGG...but are you a man? I ask because this is 99.9% on the money, leaving just the slightest doubt for error. I suppose women could be guilty of this as well, if they didn't want to or feared being alone.

 

People underrate passion. The truth is, it's key. It's everything before the menopausal stage anyway, and maybe not even then-

 

Rechecks by observing her own breasts.

Answer to the question is: Nope! Don't want to become one either, or so obsessively motivated to copulate in an insatiable manner without any self-constraint and without the least bit of shame for manipulative tactics!

Haha..rant against men with sweeping generalizations for the day over.

 

However, it did not escape my off-kilter (snicker) female twisted brain that this question lends itself to the thought that Steadfast may perceive men as more atuned to their passion?

Naw, women are just as guilty. Oh yes, they'll do the string-along, or use for some temporary benefit, but with motivation other than copulation as the primary goal. (snickers again).

 

Of course, I think all this with my pre-menopausal brain. Who knows what immense intelligence could reveal itself post-menopausal? Well, in a few years I'll check back with a report, either of me mumbling to myself in my garden in my pajamas, my 40 cats, and my long wild grey hair flying around...

or with a sanity you men will never know. Maybe you should be jealous of menopause.

Heh.

[Chrome Barracuda]

He's probably afraid of getting hurt again. Divorce is very traumatic and hurtful. Give him time, he'll be ready again.