I'm in serious trouble! I need advic3 NOW!!

[Lone Wolf]

I need to tell you some back story so you guys can understand what I'm going through. So this might be a bit long or boring but it's necessary nevertheless, so I'm sorry.

 

Backstory:

I've never been really a successful guy in terms of girls. I never cared much about it either. I was fat and sort of weird so no girls for me. Anyway, I grew up, my body changed and so did my mind, but I still fight those nerdy weird thoughts sometimes.

 

I tend to rationalize everything which might be cool and useful sometimes but when it's about human relationships it's really annoying. I'm like really shy too, so it's really hard for me to even say "Hi" to a girl I like, I mean my brain floods with opposite thoughts and complicates things a lot, for example, the girl I like comes walking towards me, my mind automatically starts thinking "What do I do?" "Don't do anything stupid" "Ignore her" "Say Hi". It's awful but it only happens to me when I really care about that girl, or I really, really like her (I wouldn't say "Love" because you have to really know someone to love, but it's pretty close). Yeah I know... this borders psychological disorders.

 

Now my problem:

I've practiced martial arts my whole life and as usual you meet a lot of people there. Well there's one girl I've met a few years ago when I was still fat and everything. By that time I thought she was interested in me we never talked much, but I caught her glancing at me a few times. Maybe she was interested or maybe it was my mind playing tricks on me so I wouldn't fall into despair. Maybe I'll never know, I thought she was shy and that was the reason why nothing happened. Then I realized she wasn't shy at all she even had dated a few guys there and she was kinda whorish... totally opposed to what I thought.

 

So in the past two years I fell in love... I'm pretty sure she wasn't interested by that time... But now that I've changed... and since she never got to really know me she must think I'm just a normal guy. And she isn't exactly beautiful or anything but I guess that idea of her liking me back then when I was so alone and maybe idealizing about her, also for what she says when I hear her talking or the few times we have spoken we have a lot in common... those three things combined may be the reason why I can stop thinking about her.

 

I think in the right situation I would tell her how I'm feeling, but there's when the pressure comes in. First of all I can't find a good time to talk to her since we only meet in class and we never get the chance to be alone, maybe some really rare occasions when I'm early and she's too... which happened only once and by accident. I must admit that now I go early every time I can on purpose so I can talk to her, but I didn't have any luck yet. Also my master doesn't like at all this kind of stuff, and she's like his spoiled student so anyone finding out about this, or even her rejecting me means total obliteration to me.

 

So there's my problem... I'm in soooo deep **** right now. Plus I'm like really inexperienced in talking to girls. I do have a female friend which I talk to and I've learned a lot about her behavior we kinda flirt but we've agreed to stay friends. She's no big deal though she kind of a whore, but not with me. But thats another problem that can wait.

 

P.S: Post what you think about this. No matter if you're no expert I just need some advice!!

Edited August 23, 2010 by Lone Wolf

[GroupFitness]

First of all, why don't you start by not referring to women as "whores"? Especially the ones you also refer to as friends.

 

Secondly, open your mouth and talk to this girl you hardly know but are supposedly in love with (*insert eye roll*). She's just a girl and I'm sure won't bite. Sure, she MAY reject you but that's hardly the end of the world now, is it?

Edited August 23, 2010 by GroupFitness

[Lady vs Panda]

What is up with thinking all the women you know are whores? Women you are supposed to be friends with, and in love with? Unless they actually have a system of regularly charging money for sex, you have a big and obvious problem with women.

[Lone Wolf]

I never said all the women I know are whores. Just my friend, and please don't get me wrong I would do anything for her... But I don't know how else to describe her! I mean she has been (sexually) with lot's of guys I know even though they treat her like crap. And whenever she gets drunk... Oh boy you better stay away!

 

About the girl I like, I don't know for sure. I've just been told...

 

Maybe "Whore" or "Whorish" are not the most appropriate words but since English isn't my native language I lack the proper vocabulary. So I'm sorry if I offended someone it wasn't my intention.

[meerkat stew]

I mean she has been (sexually) with lot's of guys I know even though they treat her like crap. And whenever she gets drunk... Oh boy you better stay away!

 

That's a whore, sounds like an apt, fair description. Of course, OP, any time you use the word "whore" that means you are calling all the women of the world whores. It's the "new logic"

 

OP, take that energy and those feelings that she inspires in you and focus them elsewhere, on other prospects. In all likelihood, she is not a worthy focus of your energy. Google "sublimation psychoanalysis wiki" for more information. If you want to solve your problem, you should take whatever action is necessary to find 3-5 worthy prospects for dating ASAP and just ask those out. It's easy to get hung up on folks we see often, it's how most affairs start. Recognizing it for what it is is the first step to avoiding undue suffering. Harness that energy and focus on worthy (or at least more worthy) prospects.

 

Make a promise to yourself to never ever focus on one woman again until 1. you are fairly certain your feelings are returned to the same degree and 2. an exclusive relationship is in place. Until that point, spread your efforts among several prospects. It's easy to get infatuated, much harder to do as I am advising, but I promise you, if you can summon up the will and strength to do that, your life with women will improve dramatically and you will never have this particular problem again.

[Lone Wolf]

That's a whore, sounds like an apt, fair description. Of course, OP, any time you use the word "whore" that means you are calling all the women of the world whores. It's the "new logic"

 

OP, take that energy and those feelings that she inspires in you and focus them elsewhere, on other prospects. In all likelihood, she is not a worthy focus of your energy. Google "sublimation psychoanalysis wiki" for more information. If you want to solve your problem, you should take whatever action is necessary to find 3-5 worthy prospects for dating ASAP and just ask those out. It's easy to get hung up on folks we see often, it's how most affairs start. Recognizing it for what it is is the first step to avoiding undue suffering. Harness that energy and focus on worthy (or at least more worthy) prospects.

 

Make a promise to yourself to never ever focus on one woman again until 1. you are fairly certain your feelings are returned to the same degree and 2. an exclusive relationship is in place. Until that point, spread your efforts among several prospects. It's easy to get infatuated, much harder to do as I am advising, but I promise you, if you can summon up the will and strength to do that, your life with women will improve dramatically and you will never have this particular problem again.

 

Thanks for advising me!

 

But I wanna be with her! BTW we're talking about this girl, not my friend. So why should I forget her? Or focus on other women?

[spiderowl]

Well, I think you've learnt one important lesson anyway - that pretty isn't necessarily the same as attractive. An attractive person can be very compelling and yet may never have model looks. It sounds to me like you've been mixing with some very shallow people. You need to start thinking as an independent person, asking yourself what matters to you and what you really like, as opposed to what guys are 'supposed' to like. I really don't think you need to use the word 'whore' to describe a woman who has slept with a lot of guys. Who she sleeps with is her business. If you look at women as people and not creatures who fit certain stereotypes, then you might have better relationships. Forget preconceptions, talk to the woman, find out what she is like as a person, before you jump to any conclusions about her.

 

But all that aside, you like this girl and want to be with her. I should think that because of your attitude to her previously, she has either completely switched off from you or is pretty confused. I'm fairly confident that, despite your shyness, you will be giving off little signs and hints that you are interested in her. She may not know why you attract her attention, but she has probably noticed you do.

 

Somehow you need to get to spend more time with her. I know you know this already. For a start off, forget about what your master wants or thinks. Who is he/she to determine your love life? You might not want to be too obvious, but don't dismiss taking some sort of action because the master is around. I think you need to be friendly to her, maybe to choose her if you do something at your class that needs a partner. As a shy woman, I can assure you that the guys I have ended up spending time with as lovers have been prepared to take risks to get to know me. They have come over and spoken to me, made it clear they wanted to spend time with me and have asked me out. If they hadn't, we'd have got nowhere. Mind you, they haven't always turned out to be the nicest characters but that's a lesson I've learnt too.

 

What to do? That's a good question. I think leaping into the dark and making a strong move can be counter-productive. Don't take her by surprise when asking her out or whatever. If something like that comes out of the blue, anyone's instinctive reaction is to be defensive and offputting. What I suggest you do is to get her used to you being around and talking, getting closer. Take it step by step, just a passing comment at first, then a conversation, next time a longer conversation, next time suggesting going somewhere or sharing contact details. That way, she has time to adjust to the changed you and won't react defensively. It's pretty much a question of feeling your way. See how she reacts to little moves and wait at each point until she is clearly relaxed with you.

 

If you want to avoid being seen as someone who just wants to be friends, then you need to make your interest in her as a romantic prospect fairly obvious. You could comment on how attractive she is, for example. Say how much you like her company. I should think she picked up on your attitude before and will be confused. She will be aware something has changed. You just need to make sure that she sees this change as something positive by making her aware you find her interesting now. Good luck!

[bac]

I was trying to read the long long story. I did not get what you want from her or as advice ?

All the descriptions are irrelevant, minor details and you are adsorbed in them.

Can you say what you want? What is your goal about her? Then, make a plan how to get what you want. Start your first steps, see how it works, change your plan to fit reality and go with flow. Do you want to get laid with the girl? If yes, go and get laid with her. How does it matter if she is a nice virgin or a kinky whore, if you already want her?

[Lone Wolf]

I don't want to get laid right away, I wanna know if she's interested and then see what happens.