Can I get past this insecure feeling :-(

[Fluffsticle]

Hi Folks,

 

I’m looking for a bit of reassurance or something…. That I can get past this…??

 

I have a problem where I feel insecure when my boyfriend comments on another Girl…. This is a horrible trait and I want to change it. I hate feeling insecure.

I know I’m a great looking girl, with a figure lots of Girls would envy. But somehow when my boyfriend comments, then this confidence disappears.

 

So… we were together for years and all the time he would avoid commenting on other Girls because he knew it upset me.

 

We broke up for a while for different reasons, and are back together now.

 

We were together last night again and we came across pics of him with a really good friend of his. She’s lovely looking. They are great friends, and chat about everything.

I felt myself starting to feel insecure of this again. Thinking oh maybe he likes her, and then letting that make me feel that he doesn’t love me as much as he thinks he does. And I asked him why he didn’t fancy her if she’s good looking and they get on really well. I caused an argument :-( and ended up feeling rubbish. Still do.

 

I hate feeling insecure like this.

I want to be able to believe that no matter what, there will always be people nicer looking than me, people with better things than me, and girls that my boyfriend will be friends with who he get’s on really well with .

I want to be able to feel secure in knowing that he would never want anyone else. Like he tells me all the time, I am the only girl for him. I want him to be able to tell me that girls are lovely looking, and for this not to make me feel lesser, but even make me feel more special, because he wants me, not them.

 

I want to be able to accept all these things, and not let them make me feel any lesser than I am. It makes me so unhappy and ashamed of myself to admit that I am insecure about this.

 

What’s wrong with me? I am so confused.

I hate feeling like this. It doesn’t just happen with this boyfriend. It happens with other boyfriends too.

Like if they comment that a girl is nice looking, I make the connection that it means I am not nice looking. Why do I do this? I want to break this link. Even though they never say such a thing. I want to stop it. No one has ever said I’m not nice looking, and I just make this link. And it makes me unbelievably unhappy.

 

Can councelling help with this?

Anyone any advice???

 

A really sad Girl…

[cesar13]

Counseling can definetly help , but I think finding a bf who isn't such a douche would be better. Its not cool for someone to say these things considering you are a bit insecure.

[Fluffsticle]

Awwww.... he never comments on other women. Honest.

 

A previous boyfriend did comment a lot on other women, and this is when I really started to notice my insecurity.

 

My current boyfriend doesn't comment.... But I want him to be able to comment, and for it not to let me feel a little lesser than I am...

 

So councelling should help. That's great thanks... Anyone tried councelling for anything similar?

[Simon Attwood]

a cheaper option than counselling is look out for some good self help books on the subject.

 

I highly recommend David Richo's book "When the Past is Present; healing the emotional wounds that sabotage our relationships"

 

Your insecurity issues probably go back a lot further than your previous boyfriend.

 

Having said that though, I think insecurity about these things is just a normal human response. The problems occur if that insecurity causes dyfunctional and destructive behaviour

[Fluffsticle]

Thanks Simon... will get that book today.

 

You are maybe right about this insecurity going back before my boyfriends time...

 

It has nothing to do with him. It's my insecurity.

 

I will open anothe can of worms here, and say that I am adopted, and lately I've been wondering if I am insecure about being abondened when I was a tot, of not feeling good enough to be wanted for whatever reason, or maybe expecting someone to always leave me.

 

I was only a couple of months old when I was adopted and so have always assumed I was never affected by it. Because I can't remember it. Although I could be grasping at straws, I realise, linking two unrelated things... Something deep down causes me to feel insecure when a Guy close to me comments on another Girl. I automatically assume they would prefer to be with that girl than be with me...

 

When on the other hand, I am confident, I know he loves me with all his heart, I know I am nice looking. I know I am a nice person... I know I am everything he wants... But something about that comment, or him being close to another Girl, makes me feel ****. This is not right and I'm ashamed of it.

 

So where this insecurity stems from, if not being adopted, I don't know.... :-(

 

Frustrating... and makes me feel ugly or unattractive... Because too much insecurity in unattractive in anybody. And I don't want to live my life with this insecurity, that I have no reason to have..

[Simon Attwood]

 

So where this insecurity stems from, if not being adopted, I don't know.... :-(

 

I would suggest that the adoption and prior abandonment are probably playing a big part of the issues you now face.

 

Let me explain how memories work;

 

The hippocampus is understood to be where we store retrievable memories, but this only begins to reach full development around the age of 3 or 4, this is why our earliest retrievable memories usually begin around this time. This does not mean that things are not remembered prior to this, it's just that these memories are not consciously retrievable. Prior to the hippocampus reaching functionality, memories are stored in the amygdala. The amygdala is one of our most primitive parts of the brain, it is the centre of our fear response, it remembers things based upon how much stress, anxiety, trauma or fear they have caused and these experiences define patterns and responses that we use throughout our life. Connections between the amygdala and areas of the prefrontal cortex are also not fully developed at birth. Much of these connections rely on positive early experiences. These connections are fundamental to our ability to manage and regulate our emotional and behavioural feedback from the amygdala. Without the coping strategies that we learn during the early interactions with our parents, especially the mother, these connections can either never develop, or be shut down or severed, seriously hampering our ability to regulate our emotional and behavioural responses.

 

If, once you've finished your first book, and want to know more about this, get yourself a copy of Sue Gerhardt's book "Why Love Matters; how affection shapes a babies brain".

[Fluffsticle]

Thanks... what a great explanation.

Very interesting.

 

Although... I was adopted from the hospital to the most loving parents in the world.

 

So although I was loved. Maybe breaking the bond or something caused trauma/anxiety in me, which now relates to me having a fear of being abondened for something better, or perhaps left me with a feeling of not being good enough, or liable to be abondoned again.

 

Either way.. I need to get cracking on working this through.

It's not something I want to carry with me any further..

[angie44]

Thank you for your message

I never compare other peoples relationships with my own, that was my experience. I have read some more of your postings and can relate to you in some ways. I was abandoned by my mother and raised by my paternal grand parents, and that has played a huge part in my emotional make-up. My nan was physically and emotionally abusive to me, so abuse was a part of my life that I thought was acceptable, hence the bad choice in husbands! I am 44 now and only starting to understand myself. I always felt insecure in my marriages, because if your mother can abandon you why shouldn't anyone else! So yes, your child hood years are playing a part in how you feel, but, the fact that your long term boyfriend slept with someone so soon after your break-up is also causing these feelings of insecurity. When my husband got on with this woman so so soon, it cut like a knife, how could he even look at another woman let alone sleep with her and plan a baby, after us losing ours not 5 months prior. I couldnt think of being with another man so soon. Not all men are the same, but my ex, is a cold and calculated person with no morals ,remorse, or feeling. He is still texting me saying sorry etc...so he cant be so happy with the choices he has made. HAH! makes me laugh.

Your b/f has hurt you by sleeping with someone so soon after your split and those feelings are perfectly natural, and this is what you have to try and come to terms with one way or another and how ever long it takes you to do so. If this man is everything you say he is, then try to forgive him and let him know how it is making you feel. It does not matter how much you think someone is prettier than you, looks are not strictly that important, I am sure you are lovely and that your b/f sees your inner qualities and thats why he loves you. You said you felt insecure when you were looking at foto's, I would feel the same way too especially as he slept with someone so soon, now you're thinking is he going to sleep with someone else, you have lost your trust in him, and its up to him to rebuild that in you, and for you to be strong inside and begin to trust him again and that won't happen over night.

I would suggest you see your GP and see if he can offer you some counselling services to deal with your childhood issues, but quite honestly it seems to me that your insecurities at the moment are mainly based around your b/f as it is his actions that have brought these feelings on.

 

I could have forgiven my husband for his infidelity, but he just took it way too far, and besides that, he was not the kind of man I wanted in my life anyway so he was not worth forgiveness, he treat me badly when I was with him and I had many times where I took him back, but I lost faith, trust,love for him , before he met this woman. It is a different scenario for you, you can get past this if you want to.Try to Stop dwelling on whats done and gone, change your focus onto all the positives with him, if you stay in the mindset you are, then you are trapped in whats happened within the prison of your own mind. Only you have the key to unlock your mind and change how you think. This is the process I am in too, its hard going but in the end I will be stronger than I am now and happier. Accept what you can't change its in the past, look to the future and what your hopes and dreams are and make those things happen