"What the OW gets"

[OWoman]

I was a little shocked to see this posted by a fOW on another thread:

 

MM will lie as much if not more to the OW. The BS is most always in the driver's seat, the one MM loves, the one he comes home to night after night. She's the one with that can make love to her H all night and day long as many days as she wants, while the OW is left to wait for the next snippet when the MM can make a little time for a little nookie- and then he goes home to who? The wife that he loves. She's the one that gets him on holidays and glorious vacations. What does the OW get? Sex, texts, emails, broken promises and lies. She's the one left waiting...and waiting... and waiting. For what, for a huge majority of them, is what will never ever come. I'm glad you feel sad for others, but I no longer have empathy for that kind of lifestyle. It's pathetic in my opinion. Frankly, the whole cheating business is plain trashy and low class.

 

I get you girl on the hot sex with the man you love and comes home to you. How wonderful it is to have a man of my own. One that doesn't have to get up and go home. One that I can have crazy hot monkey sex with after a hot date out on the town. One that I can wake up later in the night to make love with again, and then once more in the morning. And maybe home for lunch for a nooner. Ah, I LOVE the married life.

 

I realise that it is one individual poster posting from her own personal experience, but why on earth would anyone put up with a R where all they got was "sex, texts, lies, emails and broken promises"... even for a day, never mind all the waiting!

 

Aside from those OWs who were just interested in sex (and thus presumably happy with just that, and not "waiting. and waiting. and waiting...."), are their other OW here who have gotten so very little from an A while wanting more? And if so, what kept you in the A?

 

Personally, IME as the OW, I got what was described (above) as the W's portion, and the BW got the stuff described (above) as the OW's portion, but As are all different and I don't expect everyone's to conform to mine. So if there are OWs who are currently in As where all they are getting is sex, texts, lies, emails and broken promises - can you please shed light on why you are happy to stay in your A? Is there something else you're getting which isn't on the list, that the fOW cited here may have missed (or not had in her A)?

[Fallen Angel]

I was a little shocked to see this posted by a fOW on another thread: Quote disregarded by the system, not by me...

 

I realise that it is one individual poster posting from her own personal experience, but why on earth would anyone put up with a R where all they got was "sex, texts, lies, emails and broken promises"... even for a day, never mind all the waiting!

 

I would not accept so little, even for a day.

 

Aside from those OWs who were just interested in sex (and thus presumably happy with just that, and not "waiting. and waiting. and waiting...."), are their other OW here who have gotten so very little from an A while wanting more? And if so, what kept you in the A?

 

I can not speak to this, because he has always given me much more than that.

 

Personally, IME as the OW, I got what was described (above) as the W's portion, and the BW got the stuff described (above) as the OW's portion, but As are all different and I don't expect everyone's to conform to mine. So if there are OWs who are currently in As where all they are getting is sex, texts, lies, emails and broken promises - can you please shed light on why you are happy to stay in your A? Is there something else you're getting which isn't on the list, that the fOW cited here may have missed (or not had in her A)?

 

I get respect, love, admiration, companionship, partnership etc etc.

 

I also get "crazy hot monkey sex with after a hot date out on the town. One that I can wake up later in the night to make love with again, and then once more in the morning. And maybe home for lunch for a nooner."

 

He makes promises he keeps. He vacations with me, though I would hardly call our vacation "glorious" . (Our vacation was spent playing with the kids, eating out a few times, him grilling dinner *I am far from being a grill master so he wears that hat at my house * , moving my belongings from my old apt to my new apt., spending lazy days cuddled and joking and laughing and loving..... Hey!! It was glorious afterall!! )

 

He chose to spend his birthday with me yet again this year. He helps my kids with their homework, fixes the leak under my sink, comes "home" to my house after work and prepares dinner because he got home first, takes out the garbage, washes the dishes, wakes the kids for school, drives them to school when we all over-sleep and they miss their bus , lounges on the couch in front of the television to watch the Cowboys play, burps, farts, kisses and holds me close when I walk in the door from a hard day at work. In short, he does all the things for/with me that any man does in any serious long term relationship. He spends more time in my home than in his own, sometimes because he is working nearby, and sometimes even when he has to get up several hours early in order to drive THROUGH the town in which he resides in order to get to work on time. He devotes much of the time that he is in his house to contacting/communicating with me.*shrug*

 

I mean really, I get all from him that I would/should expect from him, even if he were not married. There was a time I would have settled for less, but I am unwilling to do that now, and so he meets my needs. We are very much like any other couple you would meet, and people who do not know that he is married to someone else, would likely never think it because our relationship is such that his marriage rarely affects us at all.

 

I do not get Thankgiving and/or Christmas, is that supposed to make me feel less than? Because it doesn't. *shrug* I am "waiting" for nothing. I am living my life and he has a huge part in it, but honestly if he were unmarried things would not be much different in our relationship other than I would get Thanksgiving and Christmas.

[OWoman]

I would not accept so little, even for a day.

 

I can't imagine many - or any! - OWs who would. But at least one apparently has, to have posted that.

 

I can understand people who stay in abusive or neglectful Ms, particularly long-term ones and especially where kids are involved - because the "inertia factors" stack up over time and the costs of leaving seem enormous and the benefits can sometimes not even be conceived of... but in an A based on something as flimsy as infrequent, occasional (and, judging by the implied comparison with the "hot monkey sex" of M) pretty mediocre sex and a bunch of worthless promises... What's to stay for? Why would anyone?

 

I get respect, love, admiration, companionship, partnership etc etc.

 

Why be in a R if you're not getting this? Surely this is a pre-requisite for an R - any kind of R? Otherwise surely it's just a multi-night stand...?

 

I also get "crazy hot monkey sex with after a hot date out on the town. One that I can wake up later in the night to make love with again, and then once more in the morning. And maybe home for lunch for a nooner."

 

He makes promises he keeps. He vacations with me, though I would hardly call our vacation "glorious" . (Our vacation was spent playing with the kids, eating out a few times, him grilling dinner *I am far from being a grill master so he wears that hat at my house * , moving my belongings from my old apt to my new apt., spending lazy days cuddled and joking and laughing and loving..... Hey!! It was glorious afterall!! )

 

He chose to spend his birthday with me yet again this year. He helps my kids with their homework, fixes the leak under my sink, comes "home" to my house after work and prepares dinner because he got home first, takes out the garbage, washes the dishes, wakes the kids for school, drives them to school when we all over-sleep and they miss their bus , lounges on the couch in front of the television to watch the Cowboys play, burps, farts, kisses and holds me close when I walk in the door from a hard day at work. In short, he does all the things for/with me that any man does in any serious long term relationship. He spends more time in my home than in his own, sometimes because he is working nearby, and sometimes even when he has to get up several hours early in order to drive THROUGH the town in which he resides in order to get to work on time. He devotes much of the time that he is in his house to contacting/communicating with me.*shrug*

 

I mean really, I get all from him that I would/should expect from him, even if he were not married. There was a time I would have settled for less, but I am unwilling to do that now, and so he meets my needs. We are very much like any other couple you would meet, and people who do not know that he is married to someone else, would likely never think it because our relationship is such that his marriage rarely affects us at all.

 

I do not get Thankgiving and/or Christmas, is that supposed to make me feel less than? Because it doesn't. *shrug* I am "waiting" for nothing. I am living my life and he has a huge part in it, but honestly if he were unmarried things would not be much different in our relationship other than I would get Thanksgiving and Christmas.

 

Ah - but you'd also then be eligible for that magic piece of paper that entitles you to legal ownership of his body and soul, as your chattel to do with as you choose - though unfortunately not a free pass into heaven as your M wouldn't be blessed :lmao: - and the right to hiss and fit (and, possibly, stone her or at least murder her with your bare hands, depending on which posts you choose to believe) if some evil OW "steals" your beloved. Hey come on - with an offer like that, how could you possibly refuse???

[Confused4Now]

I can't imagine many - or any! - OWs who would. But at least one apparently has, to have posted that.

 

I can understand people who stay in abusive or neglectful Ms, particularly long-term ones and especially where kids are involved - because the "inertia factors" stack up over time and the costs of leaving seem enormous and the benefits can sometimes not even be conceived of... but in an A based on something as flimsy as infrequent, occasional (and, judging by the implied comparison with the "hot monkey sex" of M) pretty mediocre sex and a bunch of worthless promises... What's to stay for? Why would anyone?

 

Why be in a R if you're not getting this? Surely this is a pre-requisite for an R - any kind of R? Otherwise surely it's just a multi-night stand...?

 

Ah - but you'd also then be eligible for that magic piece of paper that entitles you to legal ownership of his body and soul, as your chattel to do with as you choose - though unfortunately not a free pass into heaven as your M wouldn't be blessed :lmao: - and the right to hiss and fit (and, possibly, stone her or at least murder her with your bare hands, depending on which posts you choose to believe) if some evil OW "steals" your beloved. Hey come on - with an offer like that, how could you possibly refuse???

Well I went from one abusive situation into another. I thought she was clearly on the same page as me...but what I learned was she was in a very long marriage with her H(abusive). Like you said things stacked up over time. I also came from a abusive marriage so I know how hard it is. I also know when I had to walk away too...

[2sure]

As far as what OW Gets...she should get what she wants.

If she just wants a FWB then she should get that or leave.

If she wants him to leave his wife...she should get that or leave.

If she wants to be supported financially...she should get that or leave.

Its like anything else that is optional...if it stops working for you, if it isnt giving you what you want, if it hurts you...then stop it.

 

If an OW wants more from her MM than he has shown her he is willing to give...then it is only working for him. She will remain optional, will remain unfulfilled. OW Get what they are willing to take or what they are willing to sacrifice. Depends which you prefer.

[donnamaybe]

As far as what OW Gets...she should get what she wants.

If she just wants a FWB then she should get that or leave.

If she wants him to leave his wife...she should get that or leave.

If she wants to be supported financially...she should get that or leave.

Its like anything else that is optional...if it stops working for you, if it isnt giving you what you want, if it hurts you...then stop it.

 

If an OW wants more from her MM than he has shown her he is willing to give...then it is only working for him. She will remain optional, will remain unfulfilled. OW Get what they are willing to take or what they are willing to sacrifice. Depends which you prefer.

Perfectly summed up.

[OWoman]

As far as what OW Gets...she should get what she wants.

If she just wants a FWB then she should get that or leave.

If she wants him to leave his wife...she should get that or leave.

If she wants to be supported financially...she should get that or leave.

Its like anything else that is optional...if it stops working for you, if it isnt giving you what you want, if it hurts you...then stop it.

 

This I agree with completely.

[jennie-jennie]

I wonder if the mistake these OW made was that they agreed to be in a relationship were the consequences were greater than the benefits because of what they imagined the future to be.

 

I know one of these OW, I believe the same one who wrote the quote in the OP, has said that she was going against her own morals by being in the affair.

 

So going against your own morals, waiting for a future that never comes, not getting much out of the relationship... sounds like a recipe for disaster in my opinion.

 

You have to own your life every day if you are not to regret it. If you can't stand up and say "I am where I want to be today", you should do something about it. Change your circumstances or get up and leave.

[jennie-jennie]

If she wants him to leave his wife...she should get that or leave.

 

So your opinion is I should get up and leave.

 

I want a relationship with this man. Thus I stay.

 

Like it says in my signature:

 

"We make a choice to stay with a person because we love them.

Everything isn't exactly like we'd like, but because we love the person, we deal with it."

 

It is more important to me to have a relationship with this man than it is that he leaves his wife. Thus I stay.

[OWoman]

You have to own your life every day if you are not to regret it. If you can't stand up and say "I am where I want to be today", you should do something about it. Change your circumstances or get up and leave.

 

Absolutely!

[donnamaybe]

So your opinion is I should get up and leave.

 

I want a relationship with this man. Thus I stay.

 

Like it says in my signature:

 

"We make a choice to stay with a person because we love them.

Everything isn't exactly like we'd like, but because we love the person, we deal with it."

 

It is more important to me to have a relationship with this man than it is that he leaves his wife. Thus I stay.

So you are getting less than what you want then. You are settling. I wish more for you. But if settling is enough to keep you happy, then so be it.

[2sure]

I get that love can require sacrifice.

My experiences as OW have not been yours. I dont think OW should make sacrifices , at least not sacrifice what she wants.

I would have to admit that when you say you are willing to accept less because you love him...then I get that.

 

I have on occasion been willing to sacrifice for love. I hope some day to be at least willing again.

 

But if I ever do sacrifice or settle for love, rather than some other qualities I would like in a partner...

 

I would be damned if I would sacrifice part of myself, my life ...simply because he chose NOT to sacrifice for me.

[donnamaybe]

Continually forgetting to put the cap on the toothpaste, I could live with.

 

Refusing to stop living with and having sex with another woman? No effing way.

[lilbunny]

From my own, and the experiences I have read about the OW often seems to get what they are willing to put up with!

[2sure]

From my own, and the experiences I have read about the OW often seems to get what they are willing to put up with!

 

True for both BS , OW, and many WS.

[WTFBBQ]

She obviously got the trashy and low class part right.

[BB07]

She obviously got the trashy and low class part right.

 

 

Ahhhhh another simplistic one liner from you. At least it's clear what your agenda is.

[lilbunny]

She obviously got the trashy and low class part right.

 

Since you don't know me or have any influence, involvement or knowledge of my life I'm not sure what response or reaction you are hoping to provoke.

Would you care to respond to the OPs question or contribute to the discussion, rather than offer a personal appraisal of a poster? I am as always interested in reading the perspectives of others and any relevant contribution you would care to make.

[WTFBBQ]

The OP is asking about a quote she thinks is incorrect. I gave my opinion on what I saw as correct. What's so hard to understand about that? I'm unclear on how I could have been more clear within TOS.

[BB07]

The OP is asking about a quote she thinks is incorrect. I gave my opinion on what I saw as correct. What's so hard to understand about that? I'm unclear on how I could have been more clear within TOS.

 

IMO........all you are doing with your one liners is taking thinly disguised potshots at posters.

 

As I said before...you've got your own agenda going on with your little posts and it has nothing to do with being helpful or wanting to participate in a thread. You are here for one purpose only.....to throw insults out that you think you can get by with under the guise of what you think is acceptable under the TOS.

[WTFBBQ]

IMO........all you are doing with your one liners is taking thinly disguised potshots at posters.

 

As I said before...you've got your own agenda going on with your little posts and it has nothing to do with being helpful or wanting to participate in a thread. You are here for one purpose only.....to throw insults out that you think you can get by with under the guise of what you think is acceptable under the TOS.

Soooo... I suppose if I had posted something that you agree with, you would have no problem.

 

I've read around here enough to know she's true. Maybe some are threatened by it because they know it's true too.

 

Honey, everyone here has an agenda. Please.

[BB07]

Soooo... I suppose if I had posted something that you agree with, you would have no problem.

 

So..........I don't agree with you insulting posters. You aren't posting anything but insults.

 

I've read around here enough to know she's true. Maybe some are threatened by it because they know it's true too.

 

Truth and insulting people people are two different things.

 

Honey, everyone here has an agenda. Please.

 

Honey is usually used as a term of endearment, or as a condescending slap, ummmmm let me guess which one you meant by it.

[fooled once]

I was a little shocked to see this posted by a fOW on another thread:

 

I realise that it is one individual poster posting from her own personal experience, but why on earth would anyone put up with a R where all they got was "sex, texts, lies, emails and broken promises"... even for a day, never mind all the waiting!

 

Aside from those OWs who were just interested in sex (and thus presumably happy with just that, and not "waiting. and waiting. and waiting...."), are their other OW here who have gotten so very little from an A while wanting more? And if so, what kept you in the A?

 

Personally, IME as the OW, I got what was described (above) as the W's portion, and the BW got the stuff described (above) as the OW's portion, but As are all different and I don't expect everyone's to conform to mine. So if there are OWs who are currently in As where all they are getting is sex, texts, lies, emails and broken promises - can you please shed light on why you are happy to stay in your A? Is there something else you're getting which isn't on the list, that the fOW cited here may have missed (or not had in her A)?

 

Funny enough, many OW on here are NOT getting what they want, yet they stay. Why do they stay? Oh, that's right, cause they "love" him. Love isn't supposed to hurt or make a person lonely or jealous.

 

As far as what OW Gets...she should get what she wants.

If she just wants a FWB then she should get that or leave.

If she wants him to leave his wife...she should get that or leave.

If she wants to be supported financially...she should get that or leave.

Its like anything else that is optional...if it stops working for you, if it isnt giving you what you want, if it hurts you...then stop it.

 

If an OW wants more from her MM than he has shown her he is willing to give...then it is only working for him. She will remain optional, will remain unfulfilled. OW Get what they are willing to take or what they are willing to sacrifice. Depends which you prefer.

 

EXACTLY!!!!!

 

Continually forgetting to put the cap on the toothpaste, I could live with.

 

Refusing to stop living with and having sex with another woman? No effing way.

 

I agree with you Donna. No way would I put up with that. Even if he supposedly isn't having sex with her, he still goes home to her. He spends holidays, vacations and time planning futures that she thinks they are going to take together.

 

Why? Because he is a coward. That is the bottom line. He is a coward.

 

BB07 - I believe there are posters who do have agendas with what they post and they do it under the guise of 'asking a question' meant to put embarrass or harass someone.

[Spark1111]

I wonder if the mistake these OW made was that they agreed to be in a relationship were the consequences were greater than the benefits because of what they imagined the future to be.

 

I know one of these OW, I believe the same one who wrote the quote in the OP, has said that she was going against her own morals by being in the affair.

 

So going against your own morals, waiting for a future that never comes, not getting much out of the relationship... sounds like a recipe for disaster in my opinion.

 

You have to own your life every day if you are not to regret it. If you can't stand up and say "I am where I want to be today", you should do something about it. Change your circumstances or get up and leave.

 

That is true for anyone at any time. If it were easy, there would be no need for this site.

 

Everyone comes to their life's experiences when they are ready to; wisdom is gained at a very personal rate.

 

Some may be an OW, and for what they thought was love, waited too long, sacrificed some of their moral fiber during the wait, grew angry and now, in retrospect, regret the entire experience.

 

That's understandable to me. Life teaches us its lessons whether we want to learn them or not.

 

Some may not regret the experience.

 

SOme may not realize they had anything to regret until they have a different or better relationship in which to compare it too.

 

If you are fine in your affair, so be it.

 

If you had an affair and discover it was just a semi-relationship, so be it.

 

As there are all different marriages, there may be affairs.

 

Why bash this poster? It's her perception and while it may not be your experience, it does speak to many of the kinds of affairs that are out there.

 

And it is not an uncommon perception. Many women grow weary with affair crumbs and give it up and vow they want more or better in their next relationship.

 

So What?

 

This is off my happy reconciliation sex thread, yes?

[GreenEyedLady]

I didn't see the original thread this post came from.

 

But I think it's very sad. I can't imagine staying in such an unhealthy R.

 

Why anyone would settle for scraps is beyond me. I got the holidays and the vacations and the man. I wouldn't settle for less.

 

And the BS (not betrayed spouse) about how he loves the W etc REALLY? If he loved her that much, he wouldn't be sleeping with another woman PERIOD. Romanticism of another kind. He came home to me after sleeping with her. Sorry I don't do sloppy seconds. But I guess if that's all some W's can hope for, then maybe they aren't all that.

 

GEL