"What the OW gets"

[someday]

Society still wants us to wear scarlet letters, as modern as we are.

 

I've always found it amazing that some want the whole world and world views to chance for them, to suit their current situation.

[jthorne]

Seriously? Someone found a comment on split self directed towards no one inflammatory, but no one finds the OP of this thread inflammatory towards the quote's author? Amazing.

Some people need to grow thicker skins.

[jennie-jennie]

well then you should know from experience what the OW of a split self gets: waiting and waiting and waiting. For a choice that never comes. See? The quote wasn't off the mark at all!

 

The quote is indeed off the mark, since it (which has already been explained numerous times in this thread) omits what keeps most OW in the extramarital relationship:

 

From responses here, and posts elsewhere, it would seem that most OWs on LS feel that they get other things from the A beyond the mediocre sex and broken promises that the OP listed - they get support of various kinds, companionship, friendship, passion, emotional connections of varying depths and even love.

 

Am I to understand that you, jthorne, are one of the OW who only got mediocre sex and broken promises? Perhaps you would then be so kind to answer OWoman's query BBM below:

 

I can't recall any OW currently in an A feeling that all she was getting was mediocre sex and broken promises, but choosing to remain in it nevertheless.

 

But, if there is anyone like that, and if they feel dissed by the thread - then I apologise unreservedly - and welcome their input. I would genuinely like to know why someone in that position remains in an A if their needs are so patently not being met. Are they exercising a choice? Do they feel they have no options, and that this little is better than nothing at all? Do they feel trapped, "addicted" or dependent in some way that won't allow them to walk away?

 

As are all different, and if As like that are represented here on LS, then it would be good if those could be more visible in amongst the others.

[jennie-jennie]

well then you should know from experience what the OW of a split self gets: waiting and waiting and waiting. For a choice that never comes. See? The quote wasn't off the mark at all!

 

The key, jthorne, is to not wait but enjoy what you have today. Did you really not do that for the 19 years you were in an affair? Were you just waiting for the future all that time?

 

Do you not read other people's posts? You seem to be repeating the same stuff over and over regardless of what anyone tells you of their situation.

[jthorne]

Do you not read other people's posts? You seem to be repeating the same stuff over and over regardless of what anyone tells you of their situation.

Nope sorry. I missed it because I have you on Ignore. I only saw the other post because I wasn't logged in.

[donnamaybe]

Seriously? Someone found a comment on split self directed towards no one inflammatory, but no one finds the OP of this thread inflammatory towards the quote's author? Amazing.

Some people need to grow thicker skins.

Some people need to turn on their PM's.

 

As for this actual thread topic, hey. If someone wants to spend years of their life on a R that will either remain status quo or ultimately be pushed to end, I guess that is totally their business. Like it was stated, if they're happy for now...

[jennie-jennie]

Some people need to turn on their PM's.

 

Oh! It isn't just me who is blocked then?

 

As for this actual thread topic, hey. If someone wants to spend years of their life on a R that will either remain status quo or ultimately be pushed to end, I guess that is totally their business. Like it was stated, if they're happy for now...

 

I am so happy for my relationship with my MM. In this relationship, like in any relationship, I am in it for the journey, not for any particular goal. Others may have an agenda with their relationship, some ultimate goal they need to reach, I don't. I enjoy every minute of it.

[piscis]

OW

I was also shocked by that post I even spoke about it with my therapist!!

Glad you started a thread on it.

 

Maybe you will not agree with me but I want to share how I see some things:

I'd rather be the one waiting for a phone call or a text as the main thread says that being the one he is waiting to leave for a moment downstairs or to the car or to the supermarket to be able to phone or text someone else.

 

I'd rather have 2 or 3 nights a week when he lies and tells her he is on a bussiness trip than being the one that thinks if he is truly on a bussiness trip.

 

I'd rather be alone at night that being the woman he returns at night AFTER having sex and dinner and laughs and wine with an OW.

 

And as time goes by I realize that I know what is to be his W and I'd rather "have him" in my life as my MM because for me I loose the less.

 

This was a real rude way of seeing it but for me is as simple as that, of course there is love, companionship, he helps me and has been a great emotional support through things I have passed, as I have been for him, so it is way more than a couple of texts.

 

 

Thankyou for your comments.

Maybe I am twisting the truth and I am not aware of that, for me I am starting to see it clear leaving feelingas aside and see it for what it really is.

As I see it the one who is going to take care of him, to be at the hospital having sleeples night watching through the cheater that has been with me for almost a year and that had a daughter and spent 10 years of his 15 years of marriage with another woman is his BS and you know what? I do not envy her not even for a minute.

 

she is a woman that is going to take her of him while he spends his money and free time with someone else.

 

As the woman which he has the A with also worked in our office he has never in the 11 years of his extramarital relationships go to a party with his co-workers with his W he has always attended with his OW.

He doesn't even go with her to family parties, last christmas we stayed together on the 24th til 10 pm and on the 25th he said he has to go to the office for 8 hours (we work in a company that provides maintenance to hospital equipment so we work those days) which was a lie to spend time with me; as his little daughter was taken by their uncles to choose some presents.

 

so I do not envy her, I have heard them talking by his cel phone and not because I was snoopying, because sometimes he even puts the speaker while they are talking for me to be confident on what they talk about and she was telling him that their daughter was invited to spend the night with a friend and what if they went out and he said if teh girl is not home I do not have to do anything there I would go visit my brother and stay with him and I'll be tehre tomorrow morning when you pick the girl, the W's solution? she did not allow the girl to go with her friend.

How do I know? he called ma around 8 pm and he was with his daughter having dinner I listed to her talking to him

 

About she getting all the money if he dies, come on, fortunately I am not with him because of the money, I earn more than he does I am with him for the company, the long talks, the great time we have together.

Would I like him to leave the M and be with me? Not anymore, I wanted that once, but as the R has grown I know I'd rather be his OW.

 

I am not waiting anymore for him to make a decision, he has decided to stay becuase he considers it is better for his daughter, he is not even trying to fix the M, otherwise he would have get ridd of me a time ago.

Edited August 26, 2010 by piscis

[jennie-jennie]

Some assumptions being made here, but she's on Ignore too, so no, I wouldn't care to respond, thanks.

 

Since you claim over and over again, regardless of what other OW say, that all the OW gets is "Sex, texts, emails, broken promises and lies. She's the one left waiting...and waiting... and waiting.", the only assumption one can possibly make is that that is indeed your experience. Had it not been, you would have known there are other scenarios possible for an OW.

Edited August 26, 2010 by jennie-jennie

[Capris]

I was a little shocked to see this posted by a fOW on another thread:

 

 

 

I realise that it is one individual poster posting from her own personal experience, but why on earth would anyone put up with a R where all they got was "sex, texts, lies, emails and broken promises"... even for a day, never mind all the waiting!

 

Aside from those OWs who were just interested in sex (and thus presumably happy with just that, and not "waiting. and waiting. and waiting...."), are their other OW here who have gotten so very little from an A while wanting more? And if so, what kept you in the A?

 

Personally, IME as the OW, I got what was described (above) as the W's portion, and the BW got the stuff described (above) as the OW's portion, but As are all different and I don't expect everyone's to conform to mine. So if there are OWs who are currently in As where all they are getting is sex, texts, lies, emails and broken promises - can you please shed light on why you are happy to stay in your A? Is there something else you're getting which isn't on the list, that the fOW cited here may have missed (or not had in her A)?

 

Im kinda in the middle. I dont have just the sex, we see each other everyday but in public so we are "Friends" and talk like friends. We dont have much time for the two of us .

Short story, yes im sort of waiting and waiting and i am moslty happy cause im with him. Lately im having thoughts about how to get this moving to the direction it is supposed to be moving, cause im starting not to be so happy.

 

I just wish we could spend more time just the two of us, but due to circumstances we could be easily caught. I wish we could just watch a dvd together or have a night over. So simple things yet im craving for them :/

[donnamaybe]

Oh! It isn't just me who is blocked then?

I'm pretty sure I'm not blocked as she responds to my posts. Some people just choose to not have PM's.

 

 

 

I am so happy for my relationship with my MM. In this relationship, like in any relationship, I am in it for the journey, not for any particular goal. Others may have an agenda with their relationship, some ultimate goal they need to reach, I don't. I enjoy every minute of it.

An "agenda?" Oh, please. Trying to put a negative spin on the notion that anyone expects forever with their partner just appears spiteful. Perhaps that's a defense mechanism - not sure. But part of my happiness in MY R with my guy is the knowledge that we BOTH intend that we be together forever. I'm pretty sure it'll be me holding HIS hand at the end, and that's okay. I would love to be the last face my baby sees in this life. It will make it easier for him to find me on the other side.

[donnamaybe]

Short story, yes im sort of waiting and waiting and i am moslty happy cause im with him. Lately im having thoughts about how to get this moving to the direction it is supposed to be moving, cause im starting not to be so happy.

And that's only natural. I think most of us want to be our partner's "one and only" and would get weary of not being so after a time.

 

I hope you get your happy ending!

[jennie-jennie]

An "agenda?" Oh, please. Trying to put a negative spin on the notion that anyone expects forever with their partner just appears spiteful. Perhaps that's a defense mechanism - not sure. But part of my happiness in MY R with my guy is the knowledge that we BOTH intend that we be together forever. I'm pretty sure it'll be me holding HIS hand at the end, and that's okay. I would love to be the last face my baby sees in this life. It will make it easier for him to find me on the other side.

 

Lots of cultural differences here:

 

I live in one of the least religious countries in the world. Studies state that 46-85% of the population here are either atheists or agnostics. So no expecting to see each other in an afterlife.

 

Serial monogamy is very common here, so the notion of "forever" is not at all as strong here as in the US.

 

So, I believe it is much more of a cultural clash than a defense mechanism. We tend to be more realistic here about relationships, thus less long term affairs. (My MM is a foreigner, thus my affair.)

[donnamaybe]

Lots of cultural differences here:

 

I live in one of the least religious countries in the world. Studies state that 46-85% of the population here are either atheists or agnostics. So no expecting to see each other in an afterlife.

 

Serial monogamy is very common here, so the notion of "forever" is not at all as strong here as in the US.

 

So, I believe it is much more of a cultural clash than a defense mechanism. We tend to be more realistic here about relationships, thus less long term affairs. (My MM is a foreigner, thus my affair.)

My R views have absolutely NOTHING to do with religion (despite the "other side" comment) and EVERYTHING to do with my personal needs. I chose a man who shares them, thus, we both are on the same page. We both want to be each other's only and remain so.

 

I hope it works out.

[someday]

Why is it unrealistic to want to be in a exclusive relationship with one man for the rest of one's life? It can and does happen.

[jennie-jennie]

Why is it unrealistic to want to be in a exclusive relationship with one man for the rest of one's life? It can and does happen.

 

There is nothing unrealistic in that, we all wish our present love to last forever, but to think it is a god given truth is unrealistic, to be surprised when things change is unrealistic.

 

It is when the goal becomes more important than the journey that I react to.

 

I see a difference in dating patterns even among the young in the US and in my country. In the US you look for a suitable candidate for life, here you choose your love without looking to the future like that, you choose him/her because you want a relationship with him/her at the present time, then time will show how long it lasts.

Edited August 27, 2010 by jennie-jennie

[donnamaybe]

I see a difference in dating patterns even among the young in the US and in my country. In the US you look for a suitable candidate for life, here you choose your love without looking to the future like that

And by those methods, one might ENSURE their R will not last.

 

You know, it's not just the end we look to when we are looking toward a LTR. It's like the song "Remember When." You have a lifetime of memories shared, consistently, with the same partner. It's a very special thing.

[jennie-jennie]

And by those methods, one might ENSURE their R will not last.

 

You know, it's not just the end we look to when we are looking toward a LTR. It's like the song "Remember When." You have a lifetime of memories shared, consistently, with the same partner. It's a very special thing.

 

Sometimes life works against that. Had circumstances been different, my MM might actually have been my husband since long ago. I met him when I was 15 remember.

 

I knew him before his wife knew him. I know things about him she doesn't from long ago. In that sense our relationship stretches over four decades. Sometimes I look at him and remember the young boy he once was.

[donnamaybe]

Sometimes I look at him and remember the young boy he once was.

Awwwww........

[someday]

I see a difference in dating patterns even among the young in the US and in my country. In the US you look for a suitable candidate for life, here you choose your love without looking to the future like that, you choose him/her because you want a relationship with him/her at the present time, then time will show how long it lasts.

 

I get that. It think it's very important to enjoy the moment as it is and consider the future but not live for it.

[donnamaybe]

I get that. It think it's very important to enjoy the moment as it is and consider the future but not live for it.

I absolutely get enjoying the here and now, but I live the here and now with an eye on the future at the same time. As in, I love my sweety, so even when a tempting offer comes from a gorgeous man (and they have and, I suspect, will continue ), I purposely think back on the goodness that is INSIDE my man which keeps me faithful to him. He deserves my fidelity. He has earned it in many, MANY ways.

[jennie-jennie]

I get that. It think it's very important to enjoy the moment as it is and consider the future but not live for it.

 

Agreed.

.

[jennie-jennie]

I absolutely get enjoying the here and now, but I live the here and now with an eye on the future at the same time. As in, I love my sweety, so even when a tempting offer comes from a gorgeous man (and they have and, I suspect, will continue ), I purposely think back on the goodness that is INSIDE my man which keeps me faithful to him. He deserves my fidelity. He has earned it in many, MANY ways.

 

So has my man, which is why I stay faithful to him even when tempted to do otherwise.

[OWoman]

Seriously? Someone found a comment on split self directed towards no one inflammatory, but no one finds the OP of this thread inflammatory towards the quote's author? Amazing.

Some people need to grow thicker skins.

 

No one finds the OP of this thread inflammatory towards the quote's author, because it wasn't. The quote was provocative, and part of the reaction it provoked was this thread. That's perfectly within the TOS whether or not the author of the quote approves of that reaction or not.

[OWoman]

Another stereotyping post!

 

This may be true for some OWs (and OMs....), but in my case (and those of some others here)

 

If MM were to get sick, who is the one in the hospital caring for MM, making decisions for him? Who is the one who might not even know about it until much later? Who is the one that is not even welcome in the hospital room?

 

I was listed as his next of kin; even when I was in a different country, I would have been notified. His then-BW would have been informed down the track, probably by the kids, once I had informed them. And she would certainly not have been welcome in his hospital room!

 

Who is the one that attends public events with MM, and who is the one held in secret? Who is the one that knows all of MM's friends, family and people who are dear to him, and who is the one that has met practically no one in MM's life?

 

I went with him to functions. I attended family events with him. She was not welcome. Friends invited him, and excluded her.

 

Who is the one that has access to his dear daughter? Who is the one who has access to his best friends? Who is the one that co-owns property and assets with the MM, and who is the one who has claim to nothing? If a Last Will were to be read, who gets everything, and who isn't even mentioned?

 

They co-owned a house, through a joint venture agreement, but besides that, their finances were separate. Before I was on the scene, his will left everything to the kids (nothing to her) and once we got involved he changed it. He has had no need to change it since we M since I was already listed as his primary beneficiary.

 

Speaking of loss, should your MM die tomorrow, who will be in the front row at the funeral? Who will be receiving the support of family, friends and community, and who will probably not be welcome at the memorial?

She wouldn't have been welcome. People may have mellowed a little now that he is happy, and may let her in the door so as not to make a scene if she did pitch up, but I very much doubt she would.