"What the OW gets"

[OWoman]

You know, it's not just the end we look to when we are looking toward a LTR. It's like the song "Remember When." You have a lifetime of memories shared, consistently, with the same partner. It's a very special thing.

 

But we make new memories all the time! My H may have 30+ years of memories with his xW, but if the pleasant bits fill a few moments only, that simply doesn't stack up against the 6(?) years of nothing-but-good memories we have. Just yesterday we were discussing with friends a very special memory of something we attended as a couple which was very very memorable, which at the time we knew, we'll treasure this memory forever - from about 5 years ago. And every day we have that feeling, we look into each other's eyes and think, yes! This moment will stay with me forever, like a precious and rare treasure! And it does.

[donnamaybe]

But we make new memories all the time! My H may have 30+ years of memories with his xW

Yeah, but wouldn't a lot of those be awful memories?

but if the pleasant bits fill a few moments only, that simply doesn't stack up against the 6(?) years of nothing-but-good memories we have. Just yesterday we were discussing with friends a very special memory of something we attended as a couple which was very very memorable, which at the time we knew, we'll treasure this memory forever - from about 5 years ago. And every day we have that feeling, we look into each other's eyes and think, yes! This moment will stay with me forever, like a precious and rare treasure! And it does.

And I want those good moments with my sweet man and would, therefore, look to our R as one for life.

 

OWoman, your man truly WAS in an awful M. He may have felt trapped - I can understand that. Lucky for him, you seemed to be just the catlalyst he needed to give him the strength to break away from that awful life. I'm glad you're now so happy together. What better thing than for two good people to find each other and fulfill each other's lives that much more?

 

However, when I view a situation where an OW/OM is waiting, waiting, waiting for an event that is most likely never going to happen, given that there have been many years of opportunity for change in the status quo, at the end - and I feel there WILL be an end unless the OW/OM is content to remain in the status quo - I personally would look back and, yes, maybe remember fun times, but it would be very difficult for me to really revel in those memories fully, with all those warm and fuzzy feelings that come with being fully cherished by your love partner.

 

I don't know if that makes sense or if I just sound like I'm rambling - and I know it's just how I would feel and everyone is different - but I would feel like all the waiting was for naught. I would feel like it was all a sham for the benefit of one person and one person alone which would most definitely place a pall over any memories.

[Fallen Angel]

Yeah, but wouldn't a lot of those be awful memories? And I want those good moments with my sweet man and would, therefore, look to our R as one for life.

 

OWoman, your man truly WAS in an awful M. He may have felt trapped - I can understand that. Lucky for him, you seemed to be just the catlalyst he needed to give him the strength to break away from that awful life. I'm glad you're now so happy together. What better thing than for two good people to find each other and fulfill each other's lives that much more?

 

However, when I view a situation where an OW/OM is waiting, waiting, waiting for an event that is most likely never going to happen, given that there have been many years of opportunity for change in the status quo, at the end - and I feel there WILL be an end unless the OW/OM is content to remain in the status quo - I personally would look back and, yes, maybe remember fun times, but it would be very difficult for me to really revel in those memories fully, with all those warm and fuzzy feelings that come with being fully cherished by your love partner.

 

I don't know if that makes sense or if I just sound like I'm rambling - and I know it's just how I would feel and everyone is different - but I would feel like all the waiting was for naught. I would feel like it was all a sham for the benefit of one person and one person alone which would most definitely place a pall over any memories.

 

But that would be true no matter if the relationsip was between two single people, two married people, two people married to each other, etc. etc...

 

Once the relationship ends, it is more difficult to look back with all those warm fuzzy feelings. Usually because MOST relationships do not end on friendly "warm fuzzy" notes.

[jennie-jennie]

However, when I view a situation where an OW/OM is waiting, waiting, waiting for an event that is most likely never going to happen, given that there have been many years of opportunity for change in the status quo, at the end - and I feel there WILL be an end unless the OW/OM is content to remain in the status quo - I personally would look back and, yes, maybe remember fun times, but it would be very difficult for me to really revel in those memories fully, with all those warm and fuzzy feelings that come with being fully cherished by your love partner.

 

I don't know if that makes sense or if I just sound like I'm rambling - and I know it's just how I would feel and everyone is different - but I would feel like all the waiting was for naught. I would feel like it was all a sham for the benefit of one person and one person alone which would most definitely place a pall over any memories.

 

Which is why it is important not to wait, not to be in the relationship for the future but for the present. Then if the MM actually does get a divorce that is a pleasant turn of events, if he doesn't no big surprise there.

 

By being present in the present, your good memories will remain in the future.

[OWoman]

i get the feeling that you believe it is only right your way. but others have experiences too. so many are hurting so badly and that is just heart breaking. so many also say they will never be in an affair again because of the hurt. maybe people need to be more open minded and sympathetic to their pain and maybe not get self righteous in the theory that they had all this stuff, such as access to the married man and all that when there are others who are really hurting because they do not have that.

 

OTC, my R is certainly not "the only way". But I get tired of posters painting a picture that an A is necessarily doomed, or is by its very nature sh*t and cornflakes, and that it consists of nothing beyond mediocre sex and broken promises. Sure, that may be the case for some - the poster whose quote provoked this thread must have been among those to have made that claim, assuming it wasn't just for effect - but there are many for whom that is not the case. Stereotyping and caricaturing As as some warped and bitter extreme does nobody any favours, and nor does attempting to brainwash current OWs into thinking that their Rs must necessarily be of the sh*t and cornflakes types just dusted with a veneer of fairyglitter to make it seem prettier.

 

I have always argued that As are all different, and that each should be judged on its individual merits. Attempting to tar them all with the same brush - whichever brush that might be - is nothing but ignorant, and if you've read that into my purpose then I'm afraid you're mistaken.

[jthorne]

I think someone is taking advantage of the anonymous nature of the internet. A married man listing his mistress as his next of kin is unbelievable. It is certainly nothing anyone has ever read on this forum before.

[GreenEyedLady]

I think someone is taking advantage of the anonymous nature of the internet. A married man listing his mistress as his next of kin is unbelievable. It is certainly nothing anyone has ever read on this forum before.

 

Why is it unbelievable?

 

Because yours didn't list you?

 

I think the difference between Owoman's MM and yours is pretty apparent.

 

Yours didn't love you enough, right?

[jthorne]

I think the difference between Owoman's MM and yours is pretty apparent.

I never exaggerated or misrepresented anything.

Further, I fail to see what your point is. My H never cheated on anyone to be with me, nor I him. I have been his next of kin since the beginning of our marriage, which is how it should be.

Edited August 29, 2010 by jthorne

[OWoman]

I never exaggerated or misrepresented anything.

 

Me neither.

[OWoman]

Which is why it is important not to wait, not to be in the relationship for the future but for the present. Then if the MM actually does get a divorce that is a pleasant turn of events, if he doesn't no big surprise there.

 

By being present in the present, your good memories will remain in the future.

 

... and you will feel you acted with agency, made your own choices and took responsibility for your own life, and feel less inclined to need to blame anyone else if things don't "work out" in a happily-ever-after fairytale sense.

[donnamaybe]

But that would be true no matter if the relationsip was between two single people, two married people, two people married to each other, etc. etc...

 

Once the relationship ends, it is more difficult to look back with all those warm fuzzy feelings. Usually because MOST relationships do not end on friendly "warm fuzzy" notes.

You have a point with the not so "warm fuzzy" endings often. But if I were in a R with someone who I found out had been TOTALLY merely leading me on for his personal selfish reasons and was lying the entire time rather than "we just grew apart" and ended the R, or my partner met someone new but was TOTALLY honest about it AS SOON as it happened and let me go, it would be MUCH easier to take.

[donnamaybe]

Which is why it is important not to wait, not to be in the relationship for the future but for the present. Then if the MM actually does get a divorce that is a pleasant turn of events, if he doesn't no big surprise there.

 

By being present in the present, your good memories will remain in the future.

But you have already stated you WANT your MM to be ONLY with you, thus, I feel there is a sense of waiting, even if you don't really know it.

 

That's JMO.

[donnamaybe]

I think the difference between Owoman's MM and yours is pretty apparent.

 

Yours didn't love you enough, right?

And that same difference could be coming into play with MM/MW who are stringing their AP on for YEARS.

[Tony]

Please do not drag in the situations of other members, naming them specifically, as examples in your responses to other posters. This is a violation of their privacy. If you want to give the examples without naming them, that's fine.

 

Remember, every post and ever thread must stand on its own without involving members who are unrelated to it...no matter how much the circumstances may be similar. We don't make examples out of our members.

 

Many thanks for your cooperation on this!!!

[jennie-jennie]

And that same difference could be coming into play with MM/MW who are stringing their AP on for YEARS.

 

I don't understand what you are saying here, Donna. It seems to me you are comparing long term affairs with long term affairs. It does not make sense.

 

Or are you comparing long term affairs where the MM loves the OP enough to divorce with long term affairs where the MM does not love the OP enough to divorce?

 

Hmm, I guess that could be it.

[strawberrysprinkles]

Please do not drag in the situations of other members, naming them specifically, as examples in your responses to other posters. This is a violation of their privacy. If you want to give the examples without naming them, that's fine.

 

Remember, every post and ever thread must stand on its own without involving members who are unrelated to it...no matter how much the circumstances may be similar. We don't make examples out of our members.

 

Many thanks for your cooperation on this!!!

I did not want to comment before because I was scared of ridicule but I am really upset!

 

I read that quote somewhere else and I remembered it because it was kind of funny and really blunt! I remembered the name because I was a huge fan of a tv show that had a girl with that name. I was shocked to know that she was an other woman due to this thread. I don't come to this sight often to know each and every person or post. I don't think that was very fair to post information about another person! On other support sights we are allowed to quote posts within that thread but not other threads. I did not know quoting was so loosley allowed at this sight!

 

I am afraid that someone will quote something I said in another thread and someone will be mean about it like you guys are. I don't want that to happen to me! I should have thought allot more carefully about posting personal problems here but it was advertised as a caring close-knit community. It really is not.

[donnamaybe]

I don't understand what you are saying here, Donna. It seems to me you are comparing long term affairs with long term affairs. It does not make sense.

 

Or are you comparing long term affairs where the MM loves the OP enough to divorce with long term affairs where the MM does not love the OP enough to divorce?

 

Hmm, I guess that could be it.

That's what I was getting at. I just can't help but feel if the MP REALLY is so much in love with ther AP they would want to be with them in every absolute sense as much as possible rather than keeping them hidden (which is what happens in most A's) and only getting to see their AP when it's convenient or when they are able to keep their BS in the dark about it.

[Fallen Angel]

That's what I was getting at. I just can't help but feel if the MP REALLY is so much in love with ther AP they would want to be with them in every absolute sense as much as possible rather than keeping them hidden (which is what happens in most A's) and only getting to see their AP when it's convenient or when they are able to keep their BS in the dark about it.

 

Then perhaps you should read the OP in the post from a MM who posted just today about his perspective... it just may give you some insight.

[donnamaybe]

Then perhaps you should read the OP in the post from a MM who posted just today about his perspective... it just may give you some insight.

I read that. To me it merely mirrors what my opinion is: That if the MM/MW loved their AP SO much, they would be with them. It's not like a man or woman can deny access to the children after a divorce.

[Silly_Girl]

I read that. To me it merely mirrors what my opinion is: That if the MM/MW loved their AP SO much, they would be with them. It's not like a man or woman can deny access to the children after a divorce.

 

Real world is not so simple. I fought like mad for contact with my ex-stepkids, with their dad. The mother's behaviour never mattered a jot. And her lies were swallowed time after time. I don't disagree with you on principle but it CAN be hard for divorcing dads.

[donnamaybe]

Real world is not so simple.

I've been through a divorce. It is all done up very much in black and white in the courts, and if one parent messes with the schedule of visitation, they can be hauled in for contempt of court.

 

I think this business of "I can't leave because of the kids" is merely an excuse to keep things the way the MP wants them. With two people dancing attendance on their every whim.

[Silly_Girl]

I've been through a divorce. It is all done up very much in black and white in the courts, and if one parent messes with the schedule of visitation, they can be hauled in for contempt of court.

 

 

I very much wish it worked like that where I live.

[Mimolicious]

Please do not drag in the situations of other members, naming them specifically, as examples in your responses to other posters. This is a violation of their privacy. If you want to give the examples without naming them, that's fine.

 

Remember, every post and ever thread must stand on its own without involving members who are unrelated to it...no matter how much the circumstances may be similar. We don't make examples out of our members.

 

Many thanks for your cooperation on this!!!

 

So why is there a whole entire thread started obvioulsy quoting another member? I thought I was the only one that found this form of topic a bit insultive. We post something with the HUGE possibility of being ridiculed? Nice!

[jthorne]

I did not want to comment before because I was scared of ridicule but I am really upset!

 

I read that quote somewhere else and I remembered it because it was kind of funny and really blunt! I remembered the name because I was a huge fan of a tv show that had a girl with that name. I was shocked to know that she was an other woman due to this thread. I don't come to this sight often to know each and every person or post. I don't think that was very fair to post information about another person! On other support sights we are allowed to quote posts within that thread but not other threads. I did not know quoting was so loosley allowed at this sight!

 

I am afraid that someone will quote something I said in another thread and someone will be mean about it like you guys are. I don't want that to happen to me! I should have thought allot more carefully about posting personal problems here but it was advertised as a caring close-knit community. It really is not.

 

So why is there a whole entire thread started obvioulsy quoting another member? I thought I was the only one that found this form of topic a bit insultive. We post something with the HUGE possibility of being ridiculed? Nice!

Hey Ladies, (Mimo, I heart you.)

 

I have a couple hours before we leave, so what the heck.

Strawberry, I am sorry to disappoint you. However, I share your concerns. I've received PM's from newer members saying pretty much the same thing your post does, Strawberry (along with some really nice supportive ones too). I get nervous about PM's, because they are usually the ones with the subject, "Your post as been flagged for violating Community Guidelines," so I changed my PM status.

 

I asked the moderator to change the OP of this thread to leave my former status out, since it wasn't noted in my quote, and has very little to do with the topic at hand (other than to ridicule). Not only that, but it has been ages, literally hundreds of posts since I have posted as an OW. I asked the Mod if he would consider altering the OP to edit my past out of it. (Criticism of Moderation staff deleted here.)

 

Strawberry, it is an internet forum open to the public. I have discussed this with others. I have considered leaving LoveShack, and that looks like the most likely option. I was advised by others to stay, but to adopt a new username, leaving this one behind for good. I am uncomfortable with that because I have made friends here and do not wish to be dishonest with them.

 

I do not know what to tell you, but I appreciate your support.

[jennie-jennie]

Hey Ladies, (Mimo, I heart you.)

 

I have a couple hours before we leave, so what the heck.

Strawberry, I am sorry to disappoint you. However, I share your concerns. I've received PM's from newer members saying pretty much the same thing your post does, Strawberry (along with some really nice supportive ones too). I get nervous about PM's, because they are usually the ones with the subject, "Your post as been flagged for violating Community Guidelines," so I changed my PM status.

 

I asked the moderator to change the OP of this thread to leave my former status out, since it wasn't noted in my quote, and has very little to do with the topic at hand (other than to ridicule). Not only that, but it has been ages, literally hundreds of posts since I have posted as an OW. I asked the Mod if he would consider altering the OP to edit my past out of it. (Criticism of Moderation staff deleted here.)

 

Strawberry, it is an internet forum open to the public. I have discussed this with others. I have considered leaving LoveShack, and that looks like the most likely option. I was advised by others to stay, but to adopt a new username, leaving this one behind for good. I am uncomfortable with that because I have made friends here and do not wish to be dishonest with them.

 

I do not know what to tell you, but I appreciate your support.

 

Why do you not want to disclose your fOW status? Sharing that you too have experience of what you are talking about makes what you say so much more credible.

 

If you do not disclose your status, people will be guessing and most likely guess wrong. What good would this do? I am confused here to how you are thinking.