6yr relationship repairable after cheating?

[Zoinkers]

Hello everyone, I just registered for this website because I have nowhere else I can immediately turn. I hope this will help shine some light on the subject and allow me to get some other meaningful points of view.

 

My story begins about 6 months ago when my girlfriend met a girl at work. We started hanging out with the new girl and her boyfriend. Months had past and we started to feel a very strong couples bond building with our new friends. We found ourselves hanging out every weekend and just having a wonderful time. Recently I started feeling very uncomfortable around my girlfriend, as if she was hiding something from me. I asked a few semi-jokingly times like 'are you hiding some?' or 'when are you going to tell me your secret?' but nothing ever came out of that. Last thursday at work I started adding things up and came to the conclusion in my head that my feeling was about her cheating and I was 100% sure something was going on. I confronted her that night and she said she did in fact have feelings for the other boyfriend but nothing ever happened. The next day she asked if we could have some wine and sit down and talk about it. Shortly after starting the conversation she said she had lied and something had in fact happened and she began to tell me 'everything'.

 

On July 4th we were at a party and it was around midnight. I wasn't feeling all that well and wanted to go home and the other girl also wanted to go home so I offered to take her home if her boyfriend would take my girlfriend home. 4 hours after me leaving the party they started talking, and ended up kissing. Things started to get heated and they moved into one of the spare bedrooms where they continued to make out. She took her shirt off ( down to her bra ) but he then decided it was going to far too fast and they should head home.

 

Weeks later the two couples took a trip to Portland for a brew festival they have down there every year. We decided to share a room so that the cost could be cut significantly. One of the nights after I had gone to bed ( and the other girlfriend ), they two of them continued to drink. Flirting continued as they passed her phone back and forth writing suggestive things. It eventually got to a point where she suggested leaving the room but he didn't want to do that because he knew they wouldn't come back. After that he pulled down his pants and showed his penis to her. Shortly after that he took her hand and placed it on his penis outside his shorts. Fortunately at that time I had to go to the bathroom and walk in on them, but they had already begun to seperate.

 

A few weeks later ( this being about 2-3 weeks ago ) we decided to go over to their house for a party. At around midnight I wanted to go home but she wanted to stay. I had to get up early for an engagement I had, so I was fine leaving here there because multiple people had offered to drive her home. She didn't make it home that night. After returning home from my morning activity she said she just got too drunk and everyone had left so she crashed on the couch. Her story now is that the night wore on and they continued to drink. At around 4am they got into the hot tub and started talking ( while the other girlfriend was passed out on the bed inside ). He then pulled her close and started to touch her vagina ( though she says he never did anything but touch ). She suggested they take it farther and she grabbed his crotch inside his pants but then quickly moved away.

 

They haven't talked since. She claims that she knows it was wrong and, although she says it isn't an excuse, she was always 'very drunk' when anything would happen. On the one hand they never had sex. On the other, I am almost certain they would have if she got her way. Thankfully he stopped it????

 

I don't really know what to do at this point. I know she loves me, but I can't help but feel this is just a prelude to something much worse down the road. We have been going out for 6 years and I know we have had our troubles, but I never thought cheating would be one of them. Her parents divorced because of infidelity, and we've seen how it can torture a relationship as it has with her brother and his fiance. I feel like a defacto answer is to just end it, but that is always easier said than done. Has anyone had something similar happen? Is there any light at the end of the therapy tunnel? How can I continue to trust her after this?

[PegNosePete]

It is really a question only you can answer. Some on these forums will say once a cheater, always a cheater. Others will say reconciliation is possible. To me, that kind of intimate touching is just as bad as sex. In the first few days after my D-Day I flipped between reconciliation end ending it about 10 times but eventually settled on the latter.

 

Personally, if this happened to me, I would never be able to trust her again, and I would never know if she was actually telling you the whole truth. My wife admitted having sex once with another guy but I will always wonder if was actually more than once or if anything else happened, or if she'd done it with anyone else. The fact that she could lie to me so well, and I even caught her out in a few lies while she was telling me "everything", meant I would never trust what she was saying again.

 

If you do want to take her back then the obvious first step is to never speak to the other couple again. If your GF is unwilling to accept that then you should split up. That is one of the reasons I did not take my wife back, she thought it was appropriate to remain friends with her OM and wouldn't see it from my POV.

[Bryanp]

I am so sorry what you are going through. First you would have to be in big time denial to believe that they did not have sex. She is in damage control. This was not a one time thing. She has been playing you for a fool. She even admits she was an the aggressor. Clearly they both were getting off cheating on the both of their significant others right under your nose. I think you see that she has no respect for you whatsoever. If you do not respect yourself then who will.

 

It is standard behavior for cheaters never to initially tell the full truth at first. You should both be checked for STD's. You know she is still lying to you. She has shown her true colors. This is such a double betrayal. You need to contact the other girlfriend and let her know the truth. I guarantee you there is a lot more to this story. Do you think she would be so accepting as you if the roles had been reversed. She has disrespected and humiliated you in such an awful way. You deserve better.

[hunnybea]

This is what my husband said at too...first. Just texts...then meeting...then oral...finally after I told him I was gonna be completely done unless he told me everything, he finally confessed to having sex.

 

My advice, don't believe her. They had sex. If you feel she isn't telling you everything, she isn't.

[Zoinkers]

How do you go about getting to the truth? She insists that she is telling me everything. The story hasn't changed in the few days that I have been asking questions. I've contacted her friends and they have heard the same story. I have read her text messages and her email messages and they don't say there is anything more to the story. It really is killing me inside to think there is something else she is hiding.

 

I think we are going to go to couples therapy to see what can come of that. We've only gone once ( long long ago ) when she wanted to get married and I wasn't sure. I don't have high hopes, but I feel like I want to give it an honest chance.

[carhill]

OP, prior to this episode, was this relationship a marriage with children path? Committed life partner path? We're enjoying each other and that's what's important path?

 

Each path has different investments, expectations, and levels of possible recovery.

 

Do you want to recover this? Does she? Ask her what her proposal is to recover. Listen. Compare it to your own path. Decide if it's something you can handle alone or whether you need to ask for help.

 

In order to fully recover, you will have to accept the past and build a new relationship in the present. Are you up to that task?

 

Good luck

[JustJoe]

Dude, your GF is a cheater, and unless you (both) are willing to go through the long process of repairing your broken trust in her, I would suggest that you break up. Drinking is no excuse for infidelity. She wants to act on her feelings for the other guy, drinking just makes it easier to shed her inhibitions. BTW, I also think that you probably aren't getting the whole truth from her and if I were you would investigate further. Although she's already done enough for you to dump her a**.

[PegNosePete]

How do you go about getting to the truth?

You may never find out. Therein lies the problem. If you want to work things out then you'll have to live with that.

 

Personally I would not waste my time and money on therapy. She clearly does not want to remain faithful to you, this is an ongoing issue and it will likely happen again with someone else. Being drunk is absolutely no excuse, in fact you could say it's worse, since when she is drunk her guard is down and she acts more according to what she really wants.

 

And yeah, for him to be touching her vagina, then she grabs his d*ck suggesting they take it further, and he refuses... not likely!

[carhill]

How do you go about getting to the truth? She insists that she is telling me everything. The story hasn't changed in the few days that I have been asking questions. I've contacted her friends and they have heard the same story. I have read her text messages and her email messages and they don't say there is anything more to the story. It really is killing me inside to think there is something else she is hiding.

 

I think we are going to go to couples therapy to see what can come of that. We've only gone once ( long long ago ) when she wanted to get married and I wasn't sure. I don't have high hopes, but I feel like I want to give it an honest chance.

Our posts crossed. Find a counselor who specializes in infidelity recovery and make an appointment for next week. They have cancellations....

[Zoinkers]

Our relationship was indeed on the track for marriage and children. She even said that she was happy when all this started happening. She can't really explain why she did what she did, only that she is very sorry for doing it.

 

Do you have any suggestions on how to further investigate? I mean, I am going to meet with the guy tomorrow and ask him about what happened. I don't think much is going to come out of that because if they really wanted to they could have just emailed or something and got their story straight.

[PegNosePete]

I am going to meet with the guy tomorrow and ask him about what happened.

No, don't do this. Never, ever speak to him or his GF again - unless she is still unaware of the affair, in which case tell her, and then never speak again.

[carhill]

OP, IMO, investigating serves no useful purpose. Moving forward does. She's admitted to infidelity. Any further focus on the particulars obscures the goal, which is to recover the R. NC with the other couple and get started on recovery. If clarity from the process shows that no healthy recovery is possible, then go your separate ways. Check back with us in about a year. It should be pretty clear by then.

[jnj express]

Tell her you want her to take a polygraph test---that should bring a reaction one way or the other

[Bryanp]

Zonkers,

 

1. You must talk to his girlfriend and make sure she knows the full story.

2. Have her take a polygraph. They cost about $300. Very often the cheating person will tell the truth before they have to take it since they know they will be caught. If she absolutely is against taking it then you know in all likelihood she is lying and does not wish to tell you the truth.

 

3.****Do not even consider marrying her and having children. The fact that she told you that she did not know why it happened shows you that she continues to lie to you. She wanted it to happen. By claiming she does not know why means it cannot be fixed since she does not know the cause. She is still clearly lying to you and is in self-preservation mode. Again talk to the girl friend and demand that your girlfriend take a polygraph.

[Zoinkers]

I greatly appreciate all the feedback I have received on this. I have setup a session with a couples therapist that specializes in infidelity ( my work health insurance pays for it ). I will write back once I have some clarity on what direction I need to move in.

 

Thanks again!

[Jilly Bean]

OP - what are you trying to salvage, and why?

 

She cheated, had an involved affair, did what she could to hide it from you, never told you about it until you kept pressing and pressing and I am quite sure you've only heard about 50% of what really happened, and what's probably STILL happening.

 

Regardless, you now know who she is. A liar, a cheat, and someone capable of deep betrayal.

 

If you have these problems BEFORE being married, imagine how great she'd be as a wife!

 

Seriously - I question why people bother with cheaters.

[YellowShark]

Sorry to hear about this Zoinkers.

 

But your story IS MY STORY TOO. My EX-of-seven-years became involved with a MM who belonged to a couple we socialized with a lot. Not only did she betray me, she betrayed his wife, and the trust of our social circle.

 

The fact that she hid it from me and I had to catch them in the act - (which sadly I did) - was the death of our relationship.

 

We did the counselling thing, which I want you to do to try to repair the damage.

 

Unfortunately for me and my EX the trust just was never the same again... Why? Because she hid it, then lied about it's existence, and betrayed too many people while doing it. (Now, her and MM are "gaslighting" the social circle that "it never happened" and "I made it all up"... which only proves to me her proclivity for lies and deception.)

 

Please try counselling before you pull the plug is my advice.

 

Good luck.

Edited August 23, 2010 by YellowShark

[jnj express]

Cancel the counseling UNTIL AFTER SHE TAKES THE POLYGRAPH---you need to know exactly what you are dealing with-----the threat of the polygraph may get you some more TT----but she could still be hiding more truth-----Polygraph 1st then do what you see fit to do----

 

Counseling would only be necessary if you decide to go on with this situation, and right now please put any plans for an engAGEMENT ON HOLD-----SHE HAS BEEN WITH THIS GUY 3 TIMES THAT SHE ADMITS TO---AND SHE HAS SPENT THE NIGHT WITH HIM, KNOWING SHE SHOULD HAVE COME HOME TO YOU---also she needs to stop being a boozer

[Darren Steez]

Umm she touched him, went home obviously thought about it, went out made excuses to be with him, acted on it then went home, thought about it, then went out made excuses to be with him then did it again, please, going to therapy is a bunch of bull, and they have extraordinary will power to resist going all the way, after all it seems like they've been really obsessing over each other and acting out on it. Its ok now she's all repentant, all over you with forgive me please I'll do anything for you, but when the rut sets in again, or she's propositioned by some handsome guy, it will happen again, save time and yourself and money and leave her! There's nothing to repair, she wanted to do him not you..isnt that enough?

[hunnybea]

You may never find out. Therein lies the problem. If you want to work things out then you'll have to live with that.

 

 

 

And yeah, for him to be touching her vagina, then she grabs his d*ck suggesting they take it further, and he refuses... not likely!

 

Yep...it's like some green light thing...

[hunnybea]

My question is, why not talk to the other guy? I talked to the OW and got the WHOLE story. I knew her previously though and knew her enough to know when she was lying and when she was telling the truth...

 

It showed me that he was in fact telling me all of it...at that point though, they had stopped communicating and I didn't go to her. I waited until she tried texting my husband again and confronted her and we talked...calmly. Then I got my questions answered from her and told her not to contact us again. It worked out okay for me...so why not the OP?

Edited August 24, 2010 by hunnybea

[PegNosePete]

My question is, why not talk to the other guy?

If OP wants to dump her then talking to the other guy is pointless. He's going to dump her no matter what he says.

 

If OP wants to reconcile then talking to the other guy is also pointless. As someone said they may have aligned their stories anyway. He needs to forgive his GF no matter what happened, and initiate NC with the other couple.

[lostsunsets]

Just don't marry her. Or get her to take a polygraph. Tell her you need it to put this behind you. She should jump at the chance. Chances are she will spill the beans b4 you go to the appointment.

[JustJoe]

My advice about further investigation is based on A) If you need to know all, for your own healing purposes. Or. B) You intend to reconcile. If you are not willing or able to accept this behavior, then no further investigation is necessary, just end the relationship, and find a better woman. IMO, she has already done enough to warrant dumping.

[Dexter Morgan]

On July 4th we were at a party and it was around midnight. I wasn't feeling all that well and wanted to go home and the other girl also wanted to go home so I offered to take her home if her boyfriend would take my girlfriend home. 4 hours after me leaving the party they started talking, and ended up kissing. Things started to get heated and they moved into one of the spare bedrooms where they continued to make out. She took her shirt off ( down to her bra ) but he then decided it was going to far too fast and they should head home.

 

ya right. lemme guess she told you they stopped right? she wants you to think she stopped and nothing else happened. don't be naive.

 

Even if they did stop, they did enough.

 

 

They haven't talked since. She claims that she knows it was wrong and, although she says it isn't an excuse, she was always 'very drunk' when anything would happen. On the one hand they never had sex. On the other, I am almost certain they would have if she got her way. Thankfully he stopped it????

 

 

bulls##t. he flashes her, takes her clothes off in one encounter...puts her hand on his member...........and he stopped it? dude....wow...just..wow. You can't be this naive.

 

no offense intended in my words, but my man, you need to open your eyes.

 

 

I don't really know what to do at this point. I know she loves me

 

if she did, she wouldn't have had all these encounters with him.

 

 

, but I can't help but feel this is just a prelude to something much worse down the road.

 

it is, trust me.

 

 

We have been going out for 6 years and I know we have had our troubles, but I never thought cheating would be one of them. Her parents divorced because of infidelity, and we've seen how it can torture a relationship as it has with her brother and his fiance. I feel like a defacto answer is to just end it, but that is always easier said than done. Has anyone had something similar happen? Is there any light at the end of the therapy tunnel? How can I continue to trust her after this?

 

You can't.

 

 

You need to realize there are good women out there for you.

 

your gf isn't one of them. put her on the street and never look back.