1st love Posted February 17, 2004 Share Posted February 17, 2004 Hi everyone, I’m new to this. I’ve never written anything before, and I’m not sure if I have a question or a problem that can be solved. Anyway, I don’t even know if anyone will answer this but here goes. I’m 19 male, and still a virgin. The reason is rather long but it’s why I’m posting here. About a year and a half ago, I left home to go on a student exchange service to Norway. I finished my senior year of high school there. Anyway, about a year before I left I met what I thought was the love of my life. She was a freshman and I a junior, but we really seemed to be instantly attracted in a serious way. Anyway, we “dated” for a year until I had to go away (I had some serious family problems with my father and had to leave home before one of us got hurt) and the only way I could think to leave home legitimately was to join this student exchange. So about a week before I left she invited me to sleep over at her house, because believe it or not, her parents left her alone for a night. So I did, and nothing happened, and a week later when I was leaving she made a pact with me to wait for her (since we were both virgins). I’m not religious or anything, I just never met anyone I loved enough to have sex with before her (yes, I’m a weird guy – I believe love is needed for sex to take place). Anyway, she made me promise and I went to Norway. While I was there, seriously about a dozen girls literally threw their half-naked bodies at me over the year, and I politely turned them all down because of my girlfriend. A few months after I got home, she had another night to herself at home and invited me over again. When we were just about ready to “go to bed” the doorbell rang and she left her bedroom to answer it, but as I walked towards the door, she motioned for me to stop (unseen to the visitor) and then left the house and shut the door behind her. I didn’t grab her hand and hold her back or say anything or confront the stranger or anything because, believe it or not, I felt like I should respect what she wanted me to do, out of love for her and wanting what she think is best for her. But now I really think I should have said or done something because it is all bottled up inside of me now. I was quite shocked and sat down at the kitchen table literally in shock. When she returned a couple hours later, she said it wasn’t fair I got to leave town but she had to stay behind and basically had had sex about 9 months after I left. I didn’t know what to do and we ended up lying in bed (me in my full clothes) and her in her pyjamas after taking a shower and hinting that she “wanted” me. Now the problem is, I think it was true love, or first love, or something and I still really feel deeply for this girl, and I know she did have the same feelings for me up until she slept with someone else, but I can’t help feeling the pain and hurt I feel at being so blatantly betrayed, especially after I gave up so many opportunities in Europe. My friend even said that while I was gone she had slept with half the high school. Now, I feel like “to hell with love”, I’ll just have sex, but I can’t ever go back in time and regain my lost teenage years of innocence and first love. Now I just feel like an old freak that should have just pulled his prick out and had sex with anything that moved like everyone expects teenage boys to do. Anyway, I feel better sharing this, and I don’t know what comments anyone will have or if it will fix anything, since half of me hates her and the other half really believes that there was a true love there, and that if it was “true-love”, then any love from now on will always be associated with the betrayal I felt from her, or else what I felt for her wasn’t true love but more a kind of ethereal, brotherly-sisterly taking-care-of love, since we both had similar problems (her with her mother) and felt kinship? Thanks for listening Betrayed and confused Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted February 17, 2004 Share Posted February 17, 2004 My sympathies on your pain and loss. Perhaps this girl is not really the person you believed her to be. Would the pain have been less under these situations: * You made love with her before you went away, she promised faithfulness, and then she betrayed you? * You had meaningless sex with multiple Norwegian girls? Probably not. LDRs can be very hard to sustain. But please realize that your hurt will heal, and you can bring your heart to another person. Probably not this girl, because she has very different ideas on love and sex compared to yours. BTW - I am convinced that a large fraction, perhaps a majority, of men really want and need love in their sexual relationships. It's just that this kind of guy doesn't go bragging about it. They tend to be more private and more decent. (Every man I have ever made love to really needed/wanted to be held and kissed lovingly and told that I loved him before he was ready to have sex.) Link to post Share on other sites
morrigan Posted February 18, 2004 Share Posted February 18, 2004 Solemate has some good points. You also have to understand that you probably were more serious in your feelings for her than she was for you. If you had stayed and dated her, you might have broken up anyway. While you're angry and upset about what happened, see this as a learning experience that some people (both teenagers and adults) have a shallow attitude in regards to respect, especially when it has to do with sex and/or love. Whether you have sex with someone or whether you are in a relationship, a responsible person respects themselves and the person they're involved with. Link to post Share on other sites
1st love Posted February 18, 2004 Share Posted February 18, 2004 It's interesting you mention that SoleMate, because I feel like a failure for not having had sex with her (and the others in Europe) because of all the bragging I hear from other men. Men feel inferior to other "macho" men if they don't have a constant erection and will screw any woman that walks by (as one guy I work with said "I could get a hard-on in a bag of ice!") so that is part of why I am kicking myself for not having had sex at every opportunity I had. But what you say is absolutely true - I was not seeking sex so much as intimacy and safety, cuddling and commitment, faithfulness and truth and commitment to fidelity and monogamy - true love (or bassically as you said Morrigan - respect!). I've often felt that I was weird because on the surface it seems like all boys want no-strings emotionless sex, and girls use sex to try and get men to love them or cuddle them emotionally, whereas I seemed to be more like the girls - I thought sex would magically open this wonderful world of commitment, love, sharing, friendship, faithfulness, etc. - yet I am positive all the girls (including this "true love" of mine) just wanted me for my "meat" and not me as a person. Maybe that's why I seemed to steer clear of doing anything with any of them, even when I had the chance to. (I can just hear all the men saying "wimp" and "Faggot" right now in the back of my head). It feels hard to separate my feelings of “love” for her, from my hatred of her for betraying me sexually. The two seem very different to me now, and I want to remember the love as good, and just chalk up the lost years of sexual experience as “that’s life”. Anyway, thank you both for your kind words, maybe I will meet the right person who has the same feelings/values I do since I have a feeling this wasn't true love even though it was so intense that it seemed like it. There must be different kinds of romantic love I have yet to learn about. Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted February 18, 2004 Share Posted February 18, 2004 I am positive all the girls (including this "true love" of mine) just wanted me for my "meat" and not me as a person. Ouch! You need to start meeting a better class of girl, because it sounds like you have a lot of personality to offer. You deserve a girl who wants your body and your whole self, and who isn't a user. (I can just hear all the men saying "wimp" and "Faggot" right now in the back of my head). Well, the voices in YOUR head aren't bothering ME. I understand where your thoughts are coming from. On a cognitive basis, I can make the case that a) plenty of men wouldn't be thinking or saying that, quite the opposite, and b) the ones who would say that don't deserve to be listened to. People are complicated, and so are sex and love. The most satisfying relationships are built when sex and love are blended in appropriate amounts, by people who really want to experience each other rather than just use each other. But, don't take it from me, I'm just a girl. Take it from some of the well-experienced men on LoveShack. Even the major horndogs will tell you that sex with love is a lot better than without, and that the emotionless sex has left some of them saddened, despite the obvious enjoyments of the moment. ...the lost years of sexual experience... Huh???? You're 19!! We have had virgins in their late 30s on LS. Look, the number of times that a "guy" has done a meaningless in and out on some "gal" doesn't necessarily equate to sexual experience. Instead of three years of experience like they claim, they might have had 1 month of experience - 30 or 40 times! Engage cerebral cortex before erectile tissues become engorged, and you can have sex that will way outstrip any quickies your braggin' buddies have had in the backseat of their cars. But don't hate the girl. Forgive her. She probably isn't thinking any too straight... Link to post Share on other sites
1st love Posted February 19, 2004 Share Posted February 19, 2004 Hi SoulMate, Thanks for all your replies I guess deep down I have forgiven her in a sense that I know she had a weird childhood (like I did - which is maybe why we feel such a "deep" connection) that probably caused a lot of her behaviour. Anyway, I think I am madder that while she was "partying" and having sex with as many guys as possible, I was denying myself any of the willing women where I was. It'll take time, as you say, to learn that casual sex is not the same as sex with love, but at this point, I think, what the heck, it would have been better than feeling so lonely and repressed. Anyway, thanks again for the help Cheers Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted February 19, 2004 Share Posted February 19, 2004 Moimeme (the link mistress? link queen?) posted something on Romantic Love worth reading, that it thrives on pain, She should come and link to it here, it was written with this blue background, something about cups of tea, I think she knows what I'm talking about. Link to post Share on other sites
1st Love Posted February 19, 2004 Share Posted February 19, 2004 Thanks for the reference to her post – I found it and read it and also really liked the poem about love posted by Arabess. I think I understand more about different types of love, and not just my hormone induced “first love” state! Thanks again everyone. This site is incredibly helpful J Link to post Share on other sites
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