Finding a biological parent, any experiences?

[lilbunny]

My brother has a step daughter who is now 19. She does not know her biological father and my brother has been in her life since she was a few months old. She believed he was her father until the age of 11 and was told otherwise.

She has recently moved out into a place of her own. Her mother has always forbiddden her from initiating any contact with her father. She says that she is curious and wants answers. She has also heard that he has made some inquiries about her and we know he lives locally and wouldn't be difficult to find.

I can empathise with how she is feeling, though I have never experienced it. Despite the opposition from her parents, she is determined to do this and I want to support her as I feel she is quite young for her age and it is a big thing to go through alone.

 

Does anyone have any first hand experience of this type of situation? What sort of support did/would benefit you? She doesn't often speak openly about her feelings and it while I know everyone is different any insight into what it might be like for her would be really useful.

[pureinheart]

My brother has a step daughter who is now 19. She does not know her biological father and my brother has been in her life since she was a few months old. She believed he was her father until the age of 11 and was told otherwise.

She has recently moved out into a place of her own. Her mother has always forbiddden her from initiating any contact with her father. She says that she is curious and wants answers. She has also heard that he has made some inquiries about her and we know he lives locally and wouldn't be difficult to find.

I can empathise with how she is feeling, though I have never experienced it. Despite the opposition from her parents, she is determined to do this and I want to support her as I feel she is quite young for her age and it is a big thing to go through alone.

 

Does anyone have any first hand experience of this type of situation? What sort of support did/would benefit you? She doesn't often speak openly about her feelings and it while I know everyone is different any insight into what it might be like for her would be really useful.

 

I do have first hand experience, although my avenues of locating the absent parent would be much different...I can however give some suggestions towards support and the dynamics behind some of her behavior.

 

We don't talk much about it because the people we were raised with ARE our family, although there is this curiosity and a desire to connect with the biological parent(s).

 

Want to add, we don't want to hurt our adopted family and cause them to feel less than, because they never caused us to feel less than, so we tend to hold it all in.

 

BTW, unless this man (her bio-father) was the most horrible person on the face of the earth, I would say it is wrong to hold back his identity, as he may desire a R with her too....who knows though, maybe her mother does have justifiable reasons.

 

I would also say to show her your support in her quest....

[Eve]

I would consider the reasons why Mum has forbidden contact carefully and respect her wish not to have contact with this person, in terms of trying to include him (if located) in her life.

 

My experience? I have recently found my siblings from my deceased Dads side of the family. It did not take even a day using ancestry.com which was free at my local library and FB. I have plenty of support in real life so it was not such a big deal to me but I would be hesitant about getting in the middle of the scenario outlined. I would want to make sure it was not some late teen rebellion thing which would come back to haunt me if the Dad really is everything the Mum describes. H'mmm, absent parents often are romanticised somewhat!

 

I would help the girl to get linked in with say The Salvation Army, who locate people all the time. They can provide a whole spectrum of advice and emotional support.

 

All the best with things,

Take care,

Eve xx

[lilbunny]

Many thanks to you both for your posts.

 

As far as I am aware her mother's reasons are fairly personal to her, and I have a fair idea that she has given a very one sided account of what happened. I don't have any reason at all to think he is violent or dangerous. In fairness I think the guy has been misrepresented. He was still living with her mother when she started seeing my brother, babysitting when she was out on dates. I have decided not to share what I know of events, I feel like it isn't my place to say.

 

At the moment my niece doesn't want her parents to know she is doing this and I feel I should respect her wishes on this. Despite her objections her mother has fuelled this in many ways, often throwing back at her in anger that she is like her dad or his family, or not like her younger sister at all. I think she is quite genuine in wanting to understand this.

 

Thanks again for the suggestions, I will update if anything changes.

[Eve]

Ok, cool. I see what you mean if the Mum is the one with issues just personal to her. It is not right to stand in the way just because you don't like someone. He is a bit weak though to have stayed away if he had not done anything wrong. This I do not understand. There could be a whole load of 'he said, she said' ahead.

 

... I do hope its a happy ending.

 

Please do keep us updated. I will look out for any responses..

 

Take care,

Eve xx

[lilbunny]

Ok, cool. I see what you mean if the Mum is the one with issues just personal to her. It is not right to stand in the way just because you don't like someone. He is a bit weak though to have stayed away if he had not done anything wrong. This I do not understand. There could be a whole load of 'he said, she said' ahead.

 

... I do hope its a happy ending.

 

Please do keep us updated. I will look out for any responses..

 

Take care,

Eve xx

 

This is one of the questions she is keen to get answers to.

 

Thanks again, I will let you know how it turns out.

[AVR1962]

Lilbunny, I do have experince in this area. Brief history: my ex left 23 years ago (affair), made no contact until he marreid a different lady than he had the affair with. My second husband's ex did the very same thing.

 

We were the custodial parents, all 4 children lived with us and we met when kids were 3-8 years of age. We raised them as a family, the boys called me "mom", the girls called their stepdad, "dad."

 

Both exes were not a consitant part of picture but when they did come back into the kids lives the missing parents were full of guilt trying to make justification for their actions and trying to manipulate the kids into thinking they had reason to leave. Lies insued on the part of both exes.

 

So there became alot of bad blood, that I know is not quite the same with the situation you are talking about. But here is my point. I thought the kids would always be able to see their bio parent for who they were and would not want anything to do with the parent that we protected them from. But that was not the case and it has taken me years to understand.

 

The child's relationship with the parent, whether he/she was in their life or not is not related to what happened between the parents. The child sees the parent in a whole different light. The child is more willing to accept that dad ran off and had an affair without seeing how much it hurt mom because that happened between mom and dad and not between dad and daughter.

 

With all 4 of the kids we raised, once they became adults they wanted to get to know the other parent. My girls moved a half hour away from bio dad. As an adult the oldest boy moved into his mother's home, ha had not lived with her since he was 4. Because of the bad blood between bio mom and us, we were not invited to younger stepson's wedding....stepson had to fly hours to ahve wedding in bio mom's town.

 

They wanted to so badly have the connection to the parent that missed all their proms, their graduation, their day to day lives. I do feel all the kids felt some sort of abandonment issues and they were looing for love and acceptance from the parent that walked out of their lives.

 

In my mind I was seeing that we were the parents and the missing parents made the choice to walk away.

 

My oldest daughter started calling her stepdad by his first name which I found disrespectful, and the younger boy did the same. We went rounds with the kids on respect but as adults they do not have to lsiten to mom and dad anymore and the kids know that.

 

All and all, it really is not good for a child/adult child to live with hatred for a parent, it's not a healthy road to go down and I had to accept that it was up to my adult children to decide what kind of relationship they wanted with their missing parent(s). I just wanted them all to happy, productive lives.

 

Adding to the complexity of all of this I felt it was being thrown in my face that their dad was all of a sudden "there for them" and I had a hard time hearing what a great guy this man was when I saw him as a horrible individual. I did finally have to tell my daughters I no longer wanted to hear anything more about their father and we went let all the kids know that it was our choice not to participate in joint functions with their other parents, that was a boundary we drew for ourselves.

 

If you are close to your sister I would suggest trying to help her see this the way I have layed it out to you. If you have to be the middle man and then talk to your neice and tell her that she too has to understand that this is going to hurt her mother to hear anything about this man so it might be best not to ever talk about him. However, if kept secret and bio mom finds out later she is likely to be hurt even greater. best thing with all this is to not let emotions get out of hand and because bio mom poured so much of her life into daughter their is likely to be alot of emotions involved.

 

It's taken my husband and I years to work thru this. I hope that helps!

[lilbunny]

AVR Thank you so much for that post, sorry I've just spotted it now as I've come to update. I'm sorry you have been through this and hope that in time your children will come round to a more balanced view. Perhaps when they have children of their own or if they have them as they get older.

 

I am pleased to say that it is all out in the open now. My brother (who is the step parent) is taking it in his stride and feels he always knew a day would come when she was curious. I am also pleased that she still very much regards him as her dad and so far I can't see any issues in their relationship. I also suspect he knows some of his actions at the time weren't absolutely right, he was still a teenager at the time.

 

I encouraged caution and taking things slowly and she seems to be doing just that. I am glad she has found a friend who has experienced something similar and I think she is getting good advice and support there too.

 

Thanks for the advice and support on this one, it has been tough on me, I felt very torn about what to do and I hope I have done the right thing.

[Eve]

Cool! Well done you!

 

Has Mum been obstructive?

 

Take care,

Eve xx

[lilbunny]

Cool! Well done you!

 

Has Mum been obstructive?

 

Take care,

Eve xx

 

Thanks Eve.

She has been a little cold towards her daughter and hasn't been in contact for a couple of weeks, it is a bit sad to find that. I hope that might be temporary and things will settle down eventually. To be fair to her biological father, he hasn't said anything negative at all and he really could have if he'd wanted to. I'm hoping that will help.

 

It is a relief everyone knows what is going on now though.

[D-Lish]

I am adopted, and I registered with the Children's Aid Society when I was 25 and got an immediate hit with my inquiry- my bio-mom has registered as well- so the agency connected us.

 

My parents were fully supportive on the matter. She even came to my wedding when I got married and has had lunch with myself and my parents.

 

I think it's wrong to punish a child for wanting to seek out a bio parent. She's old enough to make the decision to find him- the knowledge that he exists would be something that would weigh heavily on a child's mind. My parents were so wonderful and supportive and it made the whole process much easier on me.

 

Even if her bio-dad turns out to be an a-hole- it doesn't make her quest less important in her eyes.

 

It's too bad, because her mother obviously knows who the man is, and if he's asked about her before, the mother has obviously blocked the meeting. I would think it would be easier to find her from his perspective- especially if he lives locally.

[Eve]

Thanks Eve.

She has been a little cold towards her daughter and hasn't been in contact for a couple of weeks, it is a bit sad to find that. I hope that might be temporary and things will settle down eventually. To be fair to her biological father, he hasn't said anything negative at all and he really could have if he'd wanted to. I'm hoping that will help.

It is a relief everyone knows what is going on now though.

 

 

Once they get to know each other, I'm sure they will be able to touch on more sensitive areas.

 

As for Mum, I hope she gets over herself in time. Sometimes people do silly things for selfish reasons. I hope it isn't any deeper than that.

 

Yeah, finding out the other side to your personality is a right not to be stopped by anyone really.

 

Glad it has worked out. These things can end up in tears. You did the right thing in helping out.

 

Finding my siblings has been interesting to say the least! Funny how things go, my daughter wants to be a Nurse. We don't have any Nurses on my mothers side. On my Dads side, all of my sisters are either Nurses or in the same profession as myself.

 

I found that a bit weird.

 

Take care,

Eve xx

Edited September 12, 2010 by Eve