Couldn't figure him out... so I asked! And I got the "mixed message."

[Jen]

Hello. In my last post a few days ago I told of my relationship with a guy I just started dating for a couple weeks. Everything was wonderful, but this last week I felt he was pulling away and he has been very busy. No future dates have been planned. He hasn't dated much since he was engaged over a year ago. He's also young, 24 and I'm 32 (but I don't look it). Tony gave me some great advice, but I just had to know if he was still interested or not.

 

So, last night I just asked him! Do you not want to see me anymore, and if not it's totally okay, I'd rather know now cause I'm sensing that things are a little different. He said he has been pulling back, but yes, he wants to continue to see me. Then all the compliments came out, which he never said before... he thought I was beautiful, he had a blast everytime we went out, he loves that I like the same activities he does and he didn't want to be just "buddies." It all sounded great, then came the big BUT! He said he can't commit the time though, he'll be on 4 bowling leagues soon 4 nights a week, and it's too hard to have a serious relationship and he doesn't want either of us to get hurt. He said he doesn't want me to wait around.. to go out and date if someone comes along but he would make the time to see me when he could. AND, he still wants to email me and call, he still wants to take me out to the show, dinner or golf when he has time. I walked him to his car and we hugged for a long time and he wouldn't let me go. I said I feel like this is good-bye. And he said no, he will call.

 

Part of me feels like he maybe he felt cornered so he felt he had to be nice and say these things. Part of me feels like he's doesn't know what he wants, and part of me thinks he likes me more than he's letting on, and he's just scared. I also feel I'm kinda getting the raw end of the deal maybe, but I won't be waiting around for his schedule to open up. I really do like this guy though.

[Tony T]

It's always nice to look at these situations as if they were being tried in a court of law. There, they look only at the evidence and it's forbidden to consider possible feelings or other factors that aren't hard evidence.

 

So, let's look at the evidence. He has testified that he doesn't want to be just buddies, he has a blast everytime he is with you, that you are beautiful. He has also told the jury he will soon be on four bowling leagues and will be tied up four nights a week. Therefore, he won't have time for a serious relationship.

 

Unfortunately, that's not nearly enough testimony to make a decision in this case. However, the judge, based solely on what was presented here, would probably rule that this is NOT a guy you want to get involved with. Any SANE, RATIONAL man, who is good at setting priorities, would reduce his bowling activities to two nights a week and make time for a beautiful, fun lady he wants to be more than a buddy with.

 

So it is pretty irrelvant what his motives are. I have many friends on bowling leagues and who are bowling fanatics but few if any of them go to the lanes more than once or twice a week.

 

We love people because of the way they make us feel. If he is going to make you feel like you are someone he can do things with by fitting you into his busy schedule for dinner here, a movie there, golf here, and a little Email thrown in (it takes only a minute or two to write Email), I don't think you will feel very special or that you are an important part of his life.

 

Now, if he gets a chance to know you better and decides he wants to upgrade you in his life and make more time for you (which he can do at the absolute snap of a finger), that would be really nice...so maybe you ought to give that possiblity some chance. There is no fine, other penalty, or jail time for dropping out of a couple of bowling leagues.

 

If you do stick around for this guy, you can NEVER complain that he;s not spending enough time with you because he has put you on notice that his bowling comes first. Remember that!!!

 

I don't like to judge other people's behavior in comparison to mine, but if I really like a lady, I'd drop bowling in a heartbeat to be with her. But perhaps he's already paid the $10 league fees and its non-refundable...now that would be a different story. (LOL)

 

You will have to determine just how long you want to stick this out to see how it will be and if it will get better, but I personally don't like the looks of it. All of the possiblities you mentioned are valid. Only you can make a sound judgement of where his head is at, based on how he acts from here on out. Just make sure through all of this that you feel good about what is happening.

 

Have you thought about taking up bowling?

[Jen]

Tony, once again, your advice is right on. It's funny you should ask me if I bowl, because YES I do! I'm on a league myself. That's kinda how we met! He's a fanatical bowler, with a 300 game, and he enters lots of tournaments. He's also a fanatical golfer, golfs pretty much every day after work. He will not give these activities up for anyone, I can tell ya that. After his engagement broke up, he emersed himself in these activities to keep busy. I'm not making excuses for him, he could invite me to watch him bowl, but I didn't even ask. I believe if there's a will on his part, he'd find a way to make the time! So, maybe he just doesn't have the will, for whatever reason. You say it's irrelevant to wonder why, but that's the part that bugs me the most. That's what I really want to KNOW! And you're right, soon enough I WON'T feel special if I'm at his call and convenience only. I'm going to give it a little bit of time. Do you think I should not return his calls or his e-mails right away and see what happens? Try to lay back for a while, let some time go by and not be so available? Truth is, I AM available more than he is (god knows I don't have his schedule!). Or, should I just take him up on a date offer when it eventually comes so that I can at least have some FUN TOO! But I don't want it to be all his way when he wants, cause that won't make me feel very good in the end, you're right. But I can't charm him if I don't get to see him either! That's my delima now. What to do next... Advice??

It's always nice to look at these situations as if they were being tried in a court of law. There, they look only at the evidence and it's forbidden to consider possible feelings or other factors that aren't hard evidence. So, let's look at the evidence. He has testified that he doesn't want to be just buddies, he has a blast everytime he is with you, that you are beautiful. He has also told the jury he will soon be on four bowling leagues and will be tied up four nights a week. Therefore, he won't have time for a serious relationship. Unfortunately, that's not nearly enough testimony to make a decision in this case. However, the judge, based solely on what was presented here, would probably rule that this is NOT a guy you want to get involved with. Any SANE, RATIONAL man, who is good at setting priorities, would reduce his bowling activities to two nights a week and make time for a beautiful, fun lady he wants to be more than a buddy with. So it is pretty irrelvant what his motives are. I have many friends on bowling leagues and who are bowling fanatics but few if any of them go to the lanes more than once or twice a week.

 

We love people because of the way they make us feel. If he is going to make you feel like you are someone he can do things with by fitting you into his busy schedule for dinner here, a movie there, golf here, and a little Email thrown in (it takes only a minute or two to write Email), I don't think you will feel very special or that you are an important part of his life. Now, if he gets a chance to know you better and decides he wants to upgrade you in his life and make more time for you (which he can do at the absolute snap of a finger), that would be really nice...so maybe you ought to give that possiblity some chance. There is no fine, other penalty, or jail time for dropping out of a couple of bowling leagues. If you do stick around for this guy, you can NEVER complain that he;s not spending enough time with you because he has put you on notice that his bowling comes first. Remember that!!!

 

I don't like to judge other people's behavior in comparison to mine, but if I really like a lady, I'd drop bowling in a heartbeat to be with her. But perhaps he's already paid the $10 league fees and its non-refundable...now that would be a different story. (LOL) You will have to determine just how long you want to stick this out to see how it will be and if it will get better, but I personally don't like the looks of it. All of the possiblities you mentioned are valid. Only you can make a sound judgement of where his head is at, based on how he acts from here on out. Just make sure through all of this that you feel good about what is happening.

 

Have you thought about taking up bowling?

 

[Tony T]

You ask: "Do you think I should not return his calls or his e-mails right away and see what happens? Try to lay back for a while, let some time go by and not be so available?"

 

In the beginning, yes, return his calls and emails in a fairly timely fashion. Let him know what kind of great person you are and what a fun date you are. Once you feel you've given him a good taste of that, THEN BACK OFF AND PLAY THE HARD TO GET GAME. But just be sure you play it skillfully so he doesn't realize what you're doing.You first have to give him a reason to have a burning desire for you. Don't go overboard but just be your normal self.

 

Right now, much of your attraction to him is due to his coolness and unavailability. As a man looking at this situation, I personally find it repulsive. You deserve so much better than this!!!

 

I don't know what makes him so special that you are willing to play second fiddle to bowling and golf, but I guess being a bowler yourself you would understand that. Just know that if you were married to him, it would be as bad or worse. On the other hand, you may very well be a lady who does not require much attention of maintenace. That is an excellent quality but you still need to be around a male who appreciates you and values your presence.

 

Ask yourself if you were married to this man, would he leave a bowling tournament to be with you if you were rushed to the hospital to have his child.

 

I am also going to suggest you go out with other people. You have my unconditional promise that there are some truly nice guys out there who would make you feel very special and would give up a Beatles reunion or tickets to the Super Bowl to be with you...and that's what you need in your life.

 

There is simply no good reason why you should sit around waiting for this man to call you...and he has told you that. He certainly deserves credit for being honest...if that's really what he has been. We'll see, won't we???

[billy the kid]

Jen, I've read both Tony and your posts. I think the one that is most important is your 1st.. now this is just my opinion but it sounds to me like he just wants to be friends. and the only way to find out for sure is to do as you say, lay back and wait...

You ask: "Do you think I should not return his calls or his e-mails right away and see what happens? Try to lay back for a while, let some time go by and not be so available?"

 

In the beginning, yes, return his calls and emails in a fairly timely fashion. Let him know what kind of great person you are and what a fun date you are. Once you feel you've given him a good taste of that, THEN BACK OFF AND PLAY THE HARD TO GET GAME. But just be sure you play it skillfully so he doesn't realize what you're doing.You first have to give him a reason to have a burning desire for you. Don't go overboard but just be your normal self. Right now, much of your attraction to him is due to his coolness and unavailability. As a man looking at this situation, I personally find it repulsive. You deserve so much better than this!!! I don't know what makes him so special that you are willing to play second fiddle to bowling and golf, but I guess being a bowler yourself you would understand that. Just know that if you were married to him, it would be as bad or worse. On the other hand, you may very well be a lady who does not require much attention of maintenace. That is an excellent quality but you still need to be around a male who appreciates you and values your presence. Ask yourself if you were married to this man, would he leave a bowling tournament to be with you if you were rushed to the hospital to have his child. I am also going to suggest you go out with other people. You have my unconditional promise that there are some truly nice guys out there who would make you feel very special and would give up a Beatles reunion or tickets to the Super Bowl to be with you...and that's what you need in your life. There is simply no good reason why you should sit around waiting for this man to call you...and he has told you that. He certainly deserves credit for being honest...if that's really what he has been. We'll see, won't we???

[Jen]

Hello. Being this week was my first foray in this forum, I want to say I find it so refreshing to get some really good advice from men! I'm not sure how old either of you are, but you both sound like you know your stuff! And you don't give just a one sentence answer. I just really appreciate it. Well, no phone calls this week-end from him, but you know what? It's okay. I'm just gonna continue doing my own thing. As more time goes by I won't think about him, wonder about when he'll call, and then... eventually I just won't care! That's where I want to get, but I'm not there yet. I do miss him a little, I have to admit. Maybe I missed the things we did more than him. I think he's already there, and maybe I just wasn't his cup of tea. Well, I say it's his loss! One thing he did help me realize is that I like golf! So, I'm getting my own set of clubs and hit the driving range and keep practicing. I can do this by myself, it's good clean fun (god I get tired of the bar scene) and it's a great way to meet men, too! I am keeping the advice of you both in the back of my mind at all times, it's made me feel alot better. If there's anything to report, I will post again.

Jen, I've read both Tony and your posts. I think the one that is most important is your 1st.. now this is just my opinion but it sounds to me like he just wants to be friends. and the only way to find out for sure is to do as you say, lay back and wait...