3 years relationship and very confused!

[Pebs]

OK SOMEONE please help me!!!!

 

hERE IS THE SITUATION:

 

I have been dating my boyfriend for a litte over 3 years. I met him online and it eveolved from there. however When i started dating him , i did it just for the heck of it. i didn't see the harm in dating a person for a short while.

 

Anyhow the relationship evolved. And feeling of love and attachment followed. However, From the beginning i never felt that instant attraction and until this day I find him cute but I always pick at his flaw that bothers me so much. I know it seems really shallow. I am going to be completely honest in saying that YES, attraction has to be there for me. He obviously has been a great boyfriend for me to stick around. He loves me with all his heart and makes me feel so special. SOme people tell me it is crazy for me to leave such a great guy!!! Than i start re thinking things and thinking...maybe i should stick around.

 

the thing is, these doubts have been there for 3 years. Not consistantly because he makes me happy and makes me feel special, but it will always be there on some level. I realise the small things about our whole situation that makes me question things. For instance. I go to his place freaquently and his parents love me off. i go out with al his friends and everything seems so good all the time. But...when it comes to my side of the family, i hesitate. I don't know if it because i am embarrassed by my parents or embarrassed by him. i always think that people wil criticize him, because I am so critical of him. Also it does not help that my mother and sister have pointed out the "flaw" to me many times. It is just so frustrating to not feel proud to bring him over.

 

Abother thing is that he never has met my 3 close friends from work ONCE in the three years. Sometimes i don't want him there because i am scared of what they will think of him. Or they wil say i can do much better. I always find some reason he can't come out with us. I also have NEVER brought him over to bring many of my relatives because deep down I am not proud to show him off AND i long for that feeling to be proud!!! I know this seems so shalow but i can't help my feelings

 

Is it possible that I love him but i am not in love with him? Is it possible i am just TOO attached to him to leave. When we are alone.....everything is just perfect. For valentines day he blew me away with a homemade dinner and candles all over the place. SO why is it I feel this way. And the more i think of it, the more shallow and guilty i feel.

 

I don't know what or how to feel anymore. he thinks Everything is fine and suspects nothing. He loves me so much and he always says the sweetest things. Sometimes I want to cry because i can't imagine my life without him. He has such a bright future and is so smarty and he has a lot going for him...so why do i have this probem. WHAT the hell is wrong with me??????

[opentonewadvice]

You must learn how to enjoy the differences the both of you have. maybe you have just been a little bit ashamed of the way the two of you met it seems. I met my boyfriend off the line to oand we have had some of the same past problems and it resulted from a difference in the way we were brought up and the types of family life and friends. but in order for you to move on and appreciate him for who he is starts with you realizing whats more important to you the thoughts of others about him or you and your love for him. stop forcing yourself to find a reason to move on relax enjoy and help him make some of the changes or differences that may be bothering you but try tobe more positive toward him and be more open-minded then cloe minded. There are ways you can help him change certain things that you may feel or flaws in a more positive way rather than just crushing his self-esteem. because i can guarantee you those same friends that may talk negative about him or your relationship with him would love to have someone who really does the special things he do for you. Overall you really have to ask yourself are the differences really worth you missing out on someone who may really make a special impact in your life.

[morrigan]

I have to wonder why he still is dating you after three years. What if the tables were turned, and he had not introduced you to most of his family and friends after three years? You'd be wondering what was going on, or you'd feel that he was hiding something or was embarassed of you. Don't assume he hasn't had these thoughts already. I'm not trying to be cruel here, but having you take a view from his perspective.

 

Why you are so concerned that he won't be up to par with what your friends/family would like? Are your friends/family the ones who are dating him? What is the big 'flaw' that your boyfriend supposedly possesses ? Unless it is a character trait which hurts others (rudeness, abuse, etc.) accept it as a part of who your boyfriend is, if you can't deal with it, leave. If it's a physical feature, if you really had feelings for this guy, this supposed flaw wouldn't have been your main focus for all three years.

 

Every single person has flaws, but if you predominantly focus on his, I just don't think you should be dating him. What if you found out he had these same thoughts about you? What if he was afraid his friends would think that he could do better than date you? I doubt you would be happy he stuck around. Loving someone means accepting them as a whole person, and respecting them.