He works really hard. How can I support him, and also ensure we have quality time?

[Thinkalot]

It is, I believe, a familiar scenario:

 

Man (it's usually the man but of course, can also be the woman...I don't want to be accused of being sexist) works very hard, telling him/herself and his/her partner that they are doing it for the greater good, the family, future goals, or whatever. To have financial security. It is in fact admirable.

 

But the other partner then sees less of that person, and when they do see them, their partner is often tired, and irritable or cranky. The partner with more free time says they would like more quality time with them, that they miss them, to which the partner replies "but I am doing this for us!..I work so hard so you and I can achieve all our goals!...you need to appreciate that". The other partner then either offers understanding and support, or else reacts with anger and hurt and makes demands.

 

I am the partner with more free time. My partner is working super hard for our goals (we have some big ones...including taking a year off work to travel around our country). He also has a great need for financial security (it matters more to him than me). We have actually each taken on each others values in this area, and created a good balance. I am more adventurous, more of a traveller, and a free spirit, while he is sensible, practical, financially astute. Therefore, we now go travelling lots (new for him), but we also have money invested wisely (new for me).

 

Sometimes I am very supportive, and understanding (well most of the time I would like to think)...other times, when he is tired and grumpy and I've hardly seen him, I do react, and get hurt or upset myself. I fear the quality of our relationship may diminish, partly because in the past I lived with a workaholic, and it killed our relationship. If he snaps at me, I feel hurt, because I have been trying to be so supportive or accommodating etc. If I snap at him, he feels hurt, because he is working hard so we achieve what we want.

 

I guess, I'd like to minimise stress during these times when he is super busy, while also still maitaining some quality together time. Perhaps I should just back right away then. Perhaps also my fears stem from my past relationship with the workaholic, and are a bit out of proportion.

 

As some of you know, we are about to go on holidays. The week leading up to hols is always stressful too, because I like to have everything planned and organised well in advance (a bit of a fusser really), and to get to bed early before we go etc. Meanwhile, my poor bf is working like a madman to finish off projects before we go, we have little time together to get organised etc, and he is tired and frazzled. We both do what we can to make life easier for the other (ie, he comes home to meet me for dinner, and I then can go to bed early if I want....I do all the last minute organising, so he can get his work done).

 

Anyway, this isn't a major drama, but I thought some of you might have been in the same boat and figured out some ways to help things for both partners...or maybe you just have some objective advice, practical suggestions?

 

I should add, that overall, things between my man and I are the best they've been in quite some time. I just want to keep them that way, and be the best partner I can be (without of course, compromising myself). And of course, very soon we'll be on holidays, and work will fade away for a while!

[moimeme]

The problem with situations like this is that there may be no 'us' left if too much time is spent on 'working for us'.

 

Best thing to do is to revisit your goals every six months or so and discuss whether your lifestyle(s) are supporting or detracting from those goals. Maybe you need to drop some of the lofty financial aspirations in favour of devoting more time to the relationship. Then again, if you will spend an entire year travelling, that will be a whole lot of quality time for which this 'short-term' pain may be worthwhile. How far away is the Big Trip? If it's in the next year, then this isn't a big problem. However, if this isn't supposed to happen for several years, it may mean several years of not enough time and too much stress - in which case you might wish to rethink taking a whole year off.

[Thinkalot]

Thanks Merry. It's about 14 months away. We've been saving for a while already though. I know the trip will be worth it, but I do fear sometimes that our relationship will suffer in the meantime, if we don't create enough time for us. We are both conscious of that as a potential problem though, so I guess we should stay fairly aware and keep it in check if we notice the relationship slipping.

 

Because I am less concerned and think less about the financial implications of the trip, I sometimes feel frustrated. It has not been the way I am used to thinking. My partner thinks longterm though, and sometimes gets scared of being poor, or in debt, and wants to make sure we are set up financially, which is a very valid point. So we both continue to try and compromise and take the best of each others way of thinking.