Females more natural ability than Males for relationship breakup recovery?

[BrainRightHeartWrong]

There are a lot of my friends, all male of course and i'm not being one bit biased here but who all reckon that women get over breakups far easier than men...

 

Richard Prior said something like "when a woman is heartbroken she goes out and buys a new dress and is over it, when a man is heartbroken a jumbo jet could crash into his head and he doesn't even notice it"

 

opinions please...

 

scientific rationale opinions also welcome...

 

[UCFKevin]

That's a pretty weak generalization.

 

Men AND women can be horribly distraught about a break up. Hell, I wasn't even seeing a girl once and it just couldn't be, we both were very interested, and were even in love, but the circumstances at the time wouldn't allow us to be together, long story, and she was DESTROYED about it, I went to give her a Scooby Doo doll like a week after we decided nothing could happen and she was still crying.

 

Then on the other hand, my ex seemed to be over it before we even broke up and seemed like she didn't give a single crap about me.

 

And the same goes for me. I've been broke up with before, or had a relationship go down the dumps, and I was over it in a flash, but with the recent ex, I was dying inside for ages.

 

So, some people are destroyed inside, some aren't. Gender has nothing to do with it. Coping strategies may differ, though. Guys are probably more likely to go out and get laid quicker to try to get over the pain.

[reasontosigh]

In a word...untrue.

 

Took me 4 years to get over my last relationship, but I will also admit there were far more issues behind that than the usual breakup routine.

[BrainRightHeartWrong]

that was a bit of 'tongue in cheek' from me people but it is interesting anyhow

 

a 4 months relationship could break you much more than one lasting years, i know that myself

 

4 years is a long time

 

getting laid wouldn't get me over any pain, doesn't delete emotions for me anyway

 

so Richard prior was wrong then?

[jester]

My best guess is that men, because of our individualistic natures , have, on balance, a more difficult time than women in recovering from break-ups. Women, on balance, have greater and more supportive social networks than us guys.

 

I even believe that social psychologists have conducted studies on gender differences in break-up recovery. Helgeson comes to mind.

[CaterpillarGirl]

Well, the main difference I've noticed in break-up recovery is that women generally tend to have a support network lined-up: friends, sisters, family. Maybe because emotional expression is more tolerated among women, it is easier for them to acheive catharsis and move on.

[CaterpillarGirl]

Jester, must have missed your post while typing! What he said.

[jester]

CaterpillarGirl, you said it later, but better.

 

I suspect we're right. Men just suffer alone, and occasionally go delusional. I also expect men fight break-ups more than women with stalking, violence, etc.

[reasontosigh]

jester: women do fight breakups too, but not necessarily with those tactics - unless they've totally gone over the edge, anyway

 

BrainRight: Sorry - I should clarify...it took me 4 years to get over a 2 1/2 year relationship.

 

Also, if Richard Pryor were right, I dare say my apartment would just be one big walk-in closet by now!

[Karlise]

On average, if I was really into someone...it took me two years to get over them (didn't matter if they did the breaking up or if I did it)

 

 

And it's true, you can be with someone a mere matter of months and they can have an effect on you that is staggering. Other people, you can date them on and off again for years and then you have that final breakup, move on and forget them weeks later.

 

So strange.

[Tony T]

If a woman breaks up with a guy, she is usually pretty much over it by then. Most women are very skilled at systematically disbonding from a partner while still in a relationship. The male, being extremely stupid, does not respond to her pleas for improvements in the relationship over a period of time. When she is resolved that there will be no improvements made, she begins to slowly give up and at the same time resolve herself to the fact that the relationship will eventually end. Gradually she pulls away, all the while the ignorant male thinks things are just fine. Then, one day, she makes the announcement that she is out of there.

 

The greatest pain she has gone through was IN the relationship, not afterwards. By the time she is ready to leave, she is usually 90 percent over it.

 

Females who go through greater pain are the ones who get dumped on or who are the dumpee rather than the dumper. Most women are pretty smart about getting out of relationships with a minimal amount of emotional discomfort at the end...opting to spread a less intense response over the disbonding period during which she suffers in silence...or maybe shares her sorrows with a friend.

[Arabess]

Tony is right.....it depends on which party has been 'humped and dumped'......

 

I think one of the main reasons women 'seem' to move on quicker is because the 'data bank' for getting dates for women is easier. ANY woman can go out and meet a guy willing to date her.

 

BUT....is "Mr. I-Broke-Your-Heart" out of her mind just because she scored a date with Joe Stud....NO FRIGGIN WAY!

[Venus_in_Scorpio]

Tony, I disagree. I broke up with my ex and still ended up having a hard time about it. Perhaps that's because he married someone else after our breakup and I ended up being the de facto dumpee due to his permanent unavailability?

 

Some women can break up with a man for a damn good reason, and then realize they still love him months or years later. Your comments about the disbonding period are true, but the disbonding may not be set in stone. One little thing can reactivate it and then WHAM! You're in love all over again.

 

At least, that's what happened to me.

[Tony T]

"Some women can break up with a man for a damn good reason, and then realize they still love him months or years later."

 

Love has got absollutely NOTHING to do with it. You can love somebody until hell freezes over and not be able to have a long term relationship with them. If anybody finds it necessary to break up with somebody....if they execute that dramatic a move....either it's for excellent cause or they are certifiably insane. There are thousands of people who get married everyday who love each other with all their heart...and that's the problem. The love they have for each other blinds them to incompatibilities that once the bliss subsides cannot be mitigated. It's tragic. Relationships aren't as much about love and they are about two people who can be happy together and make the world a better place. The love is a byproduct of the relationship rather than a reason for it.

 

If you break up with somebody for a damn good reason, good for you. And if you realize you still love them months or years later, you still broke up with them for a damn good reason and just stay that way. Why would any sane person want to get back into a crappy relationship with somebody they love? Love is not relevant when other factors preclude a healthy partnership. Better a great relationship with somebody you like. Or just get a dog!!!

 

Also, I know you said you disagree...but I did not say that all women disbonded in this fashion...but most do. That's why it always appears the woman gets over it faster. Perhaps you ought to consider that strategy when you find yourself in an unproductive relationship with a male who is not satisfying you emotionally or otherwise. It's a pretty good technique.

[moimeme]

Apparently, people are subscribing to a myth. The science says otherwise:

 

 

Heartbreak harder for women than men

Breaking up is hard to do -- especially for women

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/3848604/

 

I bought into the 'women have better support systems' idea, too, and remember being surprised on reading that women do actually fare worse in these situations.

[abc]

I agree with Tony on this one.

 

There may be other factors for staying in the relationship while it's crumbling as well. Maybe she needs to plan on how she is going to afford to live on her own, or get some education before leaving, or save up for a divorce attorney, etc. etc.

 

Emotionally I think most women will try everything within their power to save the relationship until one day it's just gone. That's when the reality/planning kicks in.

 

Women in general, I think, need more preparation in order to leave. It is usually ALREADY over when we walk out the door.

 

Watch women at the beach. We don't just run and jump into the ocean like most guys do... we walk in slowly... test the waters and then take the plunge when we have acclamated.

[Arabess]

I don't know Moimeme..if a website idea would feel my feelings...BUT....I'll reinterate the fact that it's easier for women to move on...if only due to more men out there than women.

 

At least she has open Friday night options.......or ANY other night of the week for that matter.

 

Doesn't heal the heart.....yet can certainly comfort the soul.

[moimeme]

if only due to more men out there than women

 

Arabess, you are living in that sort of situation, but in general most cities have more females than males - and we're not talking about seniors, either. And while it may be true that a woman can easily get a man, it doesn't mean that she necessarily wants any of the ones she can get or will take the opportunity to do so.

[Arabess]

You ladies....NEED TO MOVE! Men here are 100 to 1................. PLEASE.....be patriotic and serve your country by moving your venue to a place where it is greatly appreciated.

 

YES MERRY....there are Canadian sailors!!!!!!!! ( I knew you would want to support your own!!)

 

You guys might think I'm nuts...but when I became single...I picked this place out on the map. I wasn't goofing around.

 

I get asked out NO LESS than 10 times a day.....and that's when I'm doing a lot of grinding......wearing a full face mask and look like a CYBORG on the job! I am working on a ship now with NO FEMALES on board. How could you possibly go wrong???????

[moimeme]

Thanks for the thought but I rather doubt that I'd get on well with those lads. Remember, I'm the one who prefers the 'sappy, gay' types, as Vivid calls 'em.

[faux]

Originally posted by BrainRightHeartWrong

There are a lot of my friends, all male of course and i'm not being one bit biased here but who all reckon that women get over breakups far easier than men...

 

Richard Prior said something like "when a woman is heartbroken she goes out and buys a new dress and is over it, when a man is heartbroken a jumbo jet could crash into his head and he doesn't even notice it"

 

opinions please...

 

scientific rationale opinions also welcome...

 

 

I've noticed that women can become completely psychopathic after a break-up, no matter what side they were on (doing the breaking up or being broken up with). Some of them take a little more time to show the hurt than others however.

 

And yes, this goes for men as well. I really don't notice any difference.

 

My younger sister was broken up with the day before Valentine's this year. She cried for an hour and hasn't talked about it since. Of course she has been extremely angry and moody lately. Then again I tend to think she's evil anyway.

[CaterpillarGirl]

That was an interesting article, Moimeme. But it doesn't talk about the immediate effects of breaking-up. In my non-scientific opinion (unless you consider the fact that I am a scientist and I have an opinion to be a scientific opinion), men have a more immediate trauma at the end of a relationship, which may gradually subside, whereas a woman's initial pain may be soothed by "support networks", though linger subconsciously, rearing its ugly head in other relationships down the line. Maybe men are able to take the pain and, like, catalog it in a different part of their brain, and keep it separate from subsequent relationships.

 

Just reading the number of posts in the "I'm obsessed with my boyfriend's ex" thread, and the other "I am generally insecure" posts makes me think women take their pain with them. The only time I've seen a similar thing in the men on LS is when they have trust issues due to a gf cheating on them in the past.

 

I could be totally off base, here.

[jester]

In my non-scientific opinion (unless you consider the fact that I am a scientist and I have an opinion to be a scientific opinion), men have a more immediate trauma at the end of a relationship, which may gradually subside, whereas a woman's initial pain may be soothed by "support networks", though linger subconsciously, rearing its ugly head in other relationships down the line. Maybe men are able to take the pain and, like, catalog it in a different part of their brain, and keep it separate from subsequent relationships.

 

 

I like that. Good points!

[moimeme]

In my non-scientific opinion (unless you consider the fact that I am a scientist and I have an opinion to be a scientific opinion), men have a more immediate trauma at the end of a relationship, which may gradually subside

 

Interesting thought. I'd not necessarily agree. I think men often cope with disbelief and failure to accept the end (witness the majority of 'can I get her back' threads). I suspect that they may employ denial and then anger where women go right to depression and despair. I'd agree that men may have fewer coping strategies in place, though.

 

I have heard the theory that men are better able to 'compartmentalize' relationships where, for women, relationships permeate all their thinking. These are generalizations, of course, but interesting to ponder.

[pinkroses]

She "buys a new dress and is over it"?? Tell that to the women who spend months crying and trying to pick up the pieces of their broken lives. I think men tend to take break-ups worse sometimes because of their ridiculous egos. IF women recover better, it's because they are in touch with their emotions, allow themselves to cry and talk to a friend or go to therapy. And because they don't think they are too macho and wonderful to be left.