Saw the OW for the first time

[herenow]

My H and the OW met at work. They haven't worked together since the affair, but it was just a matter of time before paths crossed again.

 

There was an industry function last night and OW was there. I had no idea she would be since we had been to many of these types of events and no OW. My H pointed her out and ask me if I wanted to leave. I declined and we stayed.

 

Seeing her didn't bother me since she was exactly what my H said she was. I think it made my H more uncomfortable since he had no idea how the OW would react. After the initial sightings and a few stares in both directions, I made a choice to be my usual self and enjoy the party. Not sure what she did the rest of the night as I wasn't watching.

 

I found her to be attractive and, in a way, that made me feel good. It was a very strange feeling that I can only describe as relief. Like I said, she looked just like what my H told me. I guess my feeling is, if the OW wasn't an attractive woman, what would that make me? Maybe that's not the right way to feel, but it's the way I feel. I didn't know that I would feel that way until I saw her. MY H is attracted to attractive women. I would be surprise (and strangely hurt) if the OW wasn't attractive. Is that weird?

[jj33]

Hi Herenow. Glad you were not uncomfortable. I dont think its weird at all.

 

People bond for strange reasons and at work a frog can suddenly become attractive if you are working days and late nights on a project and its the two of you up against it (no pun intended).

 

That being said, if she wasnt attractive it raises the question of it wasnt her rocking body and great sex appeal there must have been more of a mental connection.

 

Also it probably makes you feel a little bit better on a certain level as while attractiveness is relative (few people are really unattractive and an attractive personality can make a less attractive person more attractive and vice versa) I can see how the fact that she is attractive could make you feel like OK well at least if he had to be an azz and cheat it was with someone hot. On some visceral level I can see how it would make more sense. I can also see how it would be comforting that you can verify that she is what he says she was (he didnt say she was a 10 and she was a 6 15 years ago) or that she was just OK looking and she could have stepped out of Victoria's Secret catalogue. It confirms what you have been told.

 

Again glad you were OK with it and that your H was sensitive enough to raise it.

[Silly_Girl]

Oh herenow, no it's not weird at all. I'd feel relief. I was always more offended by the ugly or dull women my SO went for than the pretty or witty ones.

 

If he said he'd cheated and she was a total turn-off you'd be forced to look at the two of you and see why he would behave like that if there's no chemistry. To my mind that would be more hurtful/offensive.

 

Sounds like you did yourself really proud though. Well done! Do you feel as though that's a milestone you can put behind you now?

[herenow]

Yup to all of the above. Thank you for making sense of it. Sometimes it's hard to understand why we feel the way we do.

[herenow]

Do you feel as though that's a milestone you can put behind you now?

 

It's been a while since I have wondered about the OW's looks. I guess in a way it's the piece of the puzzle that I didn't have. However, that piece wasn't really necessary. Which, I think, is why seeing her didn't bother me. Had I seen her closer to the affair, I probably would have been a bit rattled.

Edited August 24, 2010 by herenow

[D-Lish]

When I met my exH's OW, I was shocked by her looks. She was/is my complete opposite. I'm tall, thin, blonde- and she's short, plump and dark (and quite a bit older than me). In a way it was a bit of a slap in the face because it's almost like he was so unhappy with me that he chose my extreme opposite.

 

I only took a bit of solace in the fact that I just happened to be looking my best that particular day when I ran into them in the mall at x-mas.

 

I was just walking through the busy mall and we ran right into one another. The only thing that threw me for a loop was that they had their toddler in tow- (I had left him upon finding out out about the affair and the fact that she was pregnant). So seeing the little walking, breathing, innocent child that was his spitting image- the notion of which had only been a picture in my head suddenly became all to real for me.

 

It had been 2 years since I'd seen him- but seeing them all together as a family was truly hard to swallow. I held my head high, retained my dignity, acted unphased- even shook her hand and exchanged pleasantries. Then I went home and broke down in the privacy of my own home.

 

I don't know how I would have felt had she been hot. Strangely enough, probaby not so good.

[jj33]

Wow D Lish that must have been a shock. I think that is normal too. As they ended up together the fact that shes not as hot is comforting. Many people wouldnt want to think their SO went on to someone hot even if you were hotter still (again a visceral thing not a logical or intellectual thing).

 

But if its "just an A" hotter rather than not is easier to handle IMHO.

[MorningCoffee]

When I met my exH's OW, I was shocked by her looks. She was/is my complete opposite. I'm tall, thin, blonde- and she's short, plump and dark (and quite a bit older than me). In a way it was a bit of a slap in the face because it's almost like he was so unhappy with me that he chose my extreme opposite.

 

I only took a bit of solace in the fact that I just happened to be looking my best that particular day when I ran into them in the mall at x-mas.

 

I was just walking through the busy mall and we ran right into one another. The only thing that threw me for a loop was that they had their toddler in tow- (I had left him upon finding out out about the affair and the fact that she was pregnant). So seeing the little walking, breathing, innocent child that was his spitting image- the notion of which had only been a picture in my head suddenly became all to real for me.

 

It had been 2 years since I'd seen him- but seeing them all together as a family was truly hard to swallow. I held my head high, retained my dignity, acted unphased- even shook her hand and exchanged pleasantries. Then I went home and broke down in the privacy of my own home.

 

I don't know how I would have felt had she been hot. Strangely enough, probaby not so good.

 

It is heartening to read of your deft handling of the unexpected encounter. It may sound trite, but I am sincere when I say I admire the maturity you displayed. I hope I'd be as adult till I get home if I ever bump into my fMW/AP and her H, with or without their little one.

[desertIslandCactus]

Mine wasn't hot either.

 

I too, held my weight and appearance. Although my H always said he wasn't attracted to overweight women, there she was fat and matronly . It was puzzling to me when after the months of his saying they were just friends, there they were a couple.

 

I guess it doesn't matter what a woman looks like. Obviously her forward manner and audacity covered all.

[D-Lish]

Wow D Lish that must have been a shock. I think that is normal too. As they ended up together the fact that shes not as hot is comforting. Many people wouldnt want to think their SO went on to someone hot even if you were hotter still (again a visceral thing not a logical or intellectual thing).

 

But if its "just an A" hotter rather than not is easier to handle IMHO.

 

I think that's the difference- I am not with him anymore, I left him upon finding out about the affair. He wanted to work things out, but it was a no brainer for me.

 

I don't think there is any right or wrong reaction to something like this. You adopt whatever attitude you need to in order to get past it or come to terms with it, because you have to in order to keep your sanity.

[jj33]

You adopt whatever attitude you need to in order to get past it or come to terms with it, because you have to in order to keep your sanity.

 

DLish that is I think the truest thing I have EVER seen written on this forum and applies to SO many threads (especially many of those now active what if or why is it that....)

 

When faced with painful situations we have to do our best to frame them in a way that helps us come to terms with it. There is NO right or wrong answer. And the experience and temprament of each of us will determine how we view it.

[D-Lish]

DLish that is I think the truest thing I have EVER seen written on this forum and applies to SO many threads (especially many of those now active what if or why is it that....)

 

When faced with painful situations we have to do our best to frame them in a way that helps us come to terms with it. There is NO right or wrong answer. And the experience and temprament of each of us will determine how we view it.

 

Exactly. It's all about how we explain things to ourselves in order to keep on living the way we do with a clear conscience. Personal logic is really only self preservation, that's what it comes down to- it's a survival instinct.

 

He can rationalize why he had the affair, I can rationalize why he had the affair, and she can rationalize why she entered into the affair. 3 different ways of framing things- all of which work for us individually.

[herenow]

I think our feelings also depend on our frame of mind. Had I seen her right after D-day, it would have been very different no matter what she looked like.

 

So much time has gone by and so much has happened that there was little emotion about it. Also, based on how my H described her, she looked pretty much like I thought she would. Had she looked different than what I imagined, I might have had a different feeling when I saw her. But, I was, OK yeah that's her no surprise.

[turnstone]

Everyone's perspective on this is interesting. I hadn't considered the OW's looks at all before now. It's never mattered to me and I don't think its because I made the decision to leave almost immediately after D Day, it never occurred to me even when I first found out. Maybe because there were so many OW! What do you think?

 

For the record, I do know what many of them look like and its a mixed bag!

 

Herenow, do you think it would have mattered if she'd looked different, I don't mean necessarily less attractive or more attractive, but if she were just different to how you'd expected? I ask this in the light that you have recovered and your marriage is strong and healthy now.

[seren]

When I saw OW for the first time, it wasn't so much a shock rather more a suprise. OW was so different from H's type, he has always gone for short, feminine redheads, OW was tall and dark haired. Not particularly attractive, but not at all what I had thought, yes, there was an element of, you cheated because of her?? My pride I suppose, what suprised me even more was that she wasn't intelligent and was quite poorly dressed, as OWoman said in another thread, it was the lack of class I found insulting. God, reading that, how shallow was I? In her defence, she has a cracking sense of humour and knows about rugby (why do I feel I have to defend her)?

 

But, H has always been very proud of my achievements and intelligence and so I assumed he would go for an intelligent, smart woman, but suppose if he had wanted that, he wouldn't have had an A with her. While I hate to admit it, yes, it did make a difference how she looked, what she was like, but, I suppose she was what he wanted at the time. One of the main reasons for me wanting to know what she was like, was that I would have hated to bump into her in the supermarket and strike up a conversation, possibly share a laugh with and then find out it was her. A few days after D Day I would obssess, is it her? is it she the OW? almost drove me crazy. Now? I was going to say, I don't care, but that would be a lie, I do.

[OWoman]

I found her to be attractive and, in a way, that made me feel good. It was a very strange feeling that I can only describe as relief. Like I said, she looked just like what my H told me. I guess my feeling is, if the OW wasn't an attractive woman, what would that make me? Maybe that's not the right way to feel, but it's the way I feel. I didn't know that I would feel that way until I saw her. MY H is attracted to attractive women. I would be surprise (and strangely hurt) if the OW wasn't attractive. Is that weird?

 

This makes perfect sense to me! I think if my H had to "affair down" I would feel completely insulted, as if it had somehow "cheapened my brand". (I'm aware of how shallow this sounds, but... I'd think, if he thinks that's what he's worth, he thinks that's what I'm worth too! )

[OWoman]

One of the main reasons for me wanting to know what she was like, was that I would have hated to bump into her in the supermarket and strike up a conversation, possibly share a laugh with and then find out it was her. A few days after D Day I would obssess, is it her? is it she the OW? almost drove me crazy. Now? I was going to say, I don't care, but that would be a lie, I do.

 

This also makes sense to me.

 

Sometimes when we were out, during the A, I'd notice a group of women looking at us and I'd wonder - who are they? Do they know her? Is she one of them? And I'd have a moment's hesitation and feel bad that I couldn't simply respond spontaneously and smile at them or say Hi or whatever I would normally do in that kind of context... because what if it was her??

[Spark1111]

This makes perfect sense to me! I think if my H had to "affair down" I would feel completely insulted, as if it had somehow "cheapened my brand". (I'm aware of how shallow this sounds, but... I'd think, if he thinks that's what he's worth, he thinks that's what I'm worth too! )

 

This is a great point!

 

It all depends on what needs are being met by the affair partner, IMHO.

 

Sporting hotter younger?

 

Need to feel studly, 25 again. (Yuck!)

 

But often, as expressed here, that is not the case.

So many women friends asked me following DDay, how much younger is she and what did she look like?

 

They were so shocked to hear she was only slightly younger and slightly smaller than me and rather plain.

 

It was never about looks. It was for him, how she made him feel.

[WalkInThePark]

I found her to be attractive and, in a way, that made me feel good. It was a very strange feeling that I can only describe as relief. Like I said, she looked just like what my H told me. I guess my feeling is, if the OW wasn't an attractive woman, what would that make me? Maybe that's not the right way to feel, but it's the way I feel. I didn't know that I would feel that way until I saw her. MY H is attracted to attractive women. I would be surprise (and strangely hurt) if the OW wasn't attractive. Is that weird?

 

Perfectly understandable.

 

I was an OW and after the A ended I absolutely wanted to see the W. And she was exactly like xMM had described: a bit chubby (used to be slim), not elegant, not feminine.

It bothered the hell out of me! A lot more than if she would have been stunning and sophisticated... In that case it would have been worthy competition and it would be easier to accept that he chose her.

 

My xMM told me he wanted an intelligent, dynamic, slim, feminine woman so why the hell does he stay married with her? He says she used to be pretty and active but now she is a middle aged SAHM who watches TV and reads books all day. She even refuses to learn how to use the internet.

It is almost endearing to see how he believes that things will change once they move to the big city. I have my doubts.

[WalkInThePark]

This makes perfect sense to me! I think if my H had to "affair down" I would feel completely insulted, as if it had somehow "cheapened my brand". (I'm aware of how shallow this sounds, but... I'd think, if he thinks that's what he's worth, he thinks that's what I'm worth too! )

 

I know the feeling but I think the interpretation is not necessarily correct. In my opinion, habits are difficult to break even if they are bad habits. It's often familiarity which explains why someone finds it difficult to leave someone. They could do better but they are actually afraid to do better because they are not used to it.

 

And BTW, I think that it is very human to think in terms of "cheapening your brand". I think women are pretty aware of their place on the "ranking" and the place of their partner in the men's ranking. Whether someone is in your league status wise is a very important factor for a relationship because you want someone with whom you want to be seen.

[jj33]

The thing is Walk, despite the visceral feeling about looks, ultimately I dont think it is about looks. Its about how the person makes you feel as Spark said.

 

Some people couldnt feel good about being with someone who was below a certain weight or standard of attractiveness and so would never be attracted to people who werent up to their mark.

 

For others the looks arent that important. But in a marriage I think looks or losing them have less to do with the relatoinship losing its luster than what that means to the people involved and the other dynamics that exist between them.

[Silly_Girl]

I never asked MM about his wife, appearance-wise. But once we were in bed and I enjoy feeling womanly (although about ten less pounds of 'woman' wouldn't hurt!!)... And although I can't remember why, he said about his wife 'she's really slim, tiny....' and I'll be honest, sexy though I can be, my heart sunk a little. You can imagine my thought bubble at that point. Me, some lumbering heifer, alongside some sylphlike creature. Until he followed it up with 'you know, like a boy'.

 

They've never had real chemistry or a sexual connection and he genuinely wouldn't have said it to be unkind or believed it to have been unkind, just stating fact. But my own reaction made me laugh at myself.

[desertIslandCactus]

The thing is Walk, despite the visceral feeling about looks, ultimately I dont think it is about looks. Its about how the person makes you feel as Spark said.

 

Some people couldnt feel good about being with someone who was below a certain weight or standard of attractiveness and so would never be attracted to people who werent up to their mark.

 

For others the looks arent that important. But in a marriage I think looks or losing them have less to do with the relatoinship losing its luster than what that means to the people involved and the other dynamics that exist between them.

 

 

I agree. And to add: although mine was haughty and high in confidence, and with a good job - rather than a beauty...

 

I guess it's more promising for a W if her H falls for a beauty, because of thinking he was just enticed .. But if he doesn't wind up with the beauty, it means he was searching?

 

Either way, the end result is the same.

[WalkInThePark]

The thing is Walk, despite the visceral feeling about looks, ultimately I dont think it is about looks. Its about how the person makes you feel as Spark said.

 

Some people couldnt feel good about being with someone who was below a certain weight or standard of attractiveness and so would never be attracted to people who werent up to their mark.

 

For others the looks arent that important. But in a marriage I think looks or losing them have less to do with the relatoinship losing its luster than what that means to the people involved and the other dynamics that exist between them.

 

jj33, I don't see it as being about looks. It's the whole personality and the outlook on life which is so different. The W is not uglier than me but she clearly does not do any effort to bring out the best of herself. I mean, my xMM is a guy with a high professional profile, dynamic, charming, well-dressed and I am sure that if he would take his W with him to some event, several people will be surprised to see her because they don't seem to be in the same league. Nothing to do with looks but with her style of a country woman and the fact that she does not do a lot in her life. She's my age but she does not want to work with a computer/the internet.

 

BTW, don't get me wrong, I have nothing against SAHMs but then make sure to be passionate about your household...

[2sure]

My H's OWomen were all nothing like me and also none of them were women he would ever have dated publicly. I dont want to belittle them and go into detail regarding their looks or lifestyle but...

 

What most offended me was that he chose these women because they were easily impressed , manipulated, and lied to. When he gave them some attention they all thought they had scored big...even though most of them had no idea who he was in RL.

 

I was disgusted on several levels. The BS in me said: Self, if those are the best he can do - I am way to good for him. The former OW in me said: He is a predator to the vulnerable.

 

The infidelity ultimately broke up the marriage..but the two points I just made is what forever changed the way I saw him personally. An insecure man who requires constant validation in the easiest way he can get it, by hooking up with anyone he could impress with very little effort.

 

WAY to good for him. The last words I spoke to him at our last court date were: I hope you enjoyed me, because you will never have a shot at someone like me again. I'm done slumming. You cant even cheat like the big boys.