My ex is married, and we are friends...

[Venus_in_Scorpio]

My ex is married. He got married on the rebound from me- within a ridiculously short amount of time after our breakup (think months- maybe less). We are all so young- me, him, his wife. In our early twenties. They have no children and have only been married a few months. What he did was so, so stupid.

 

We are good friends- we tell each other everything, and have a lot of chemistry between us. We can talk for hours about anything or nothing at all. His wife doesn't know about this phase of our friendship- before, it used to be in the open and she got jealous and put a stop to it temporarily. We just rekindled it recently after having no contact for awhile.

 

He and his wife are having problems. The whole marriage is nothing but problems. He seems very unfulfilled right now. Mentioned divorce. I tried to encourage him recently, told him to seek counseling, that marriage is for life. He didn't seem to want to hear it.

 

We are getting closer by the day. The last few days we have talked constantly on IM. We even talked about me possibly starting to work for him- he volunteered to hire me with a salary increase. Or near him- coincidentally, a job I applied for would result in me working right upstairs from him. I didn't know that at the time I applied for it. We talked about how there always seem to be coincidences surrounding our relationship.

 

Our latest conversations have had a lot of sexual overtones. We reminisced about our past relationship, about our former sex life. We tease each other a lot. We talked about how much we miss the banter between us. I made up my mind last night that I would try not to get sucked into the sex talk anymore.

 

He seems to have changed his mind about our friendship boundaries. He used to not want to meet in person too much- too much temptation he said. That was right after his wife freaked out about him telling me he missed me in an email (she hacks into his email regularly). Now we are making plans to meet for lunch.

 

What do I do? He knows I still love him. He loves me too. But I told him that his marriage makes him off limits to me and that I want him to be happy.

Would I sleep with him if the moment arrived? Probably. Will I try to hasten that moment? Definitely not. Will I try not to let our friendship harm his marriage? With everything in me, even though I think it was a foolhardy mistake. Is an affair (I'm still trying to wrap my mind around that concept) inevitable if we keep up our contact?

 

That's what I want to know.

[jester]

What do I do? He knows I still love him. He loves me too. But I told him that his marriage makes him off limits to me and that I want him to be happy.

Would I sleep with him if the moment arrived? Probably. Will I try to hasten that moment? Definitely not. Will I try not to let our friendship harm his marriage? With everything in me, even though I think it was a foolhardy mistake. Is an affair (I'm still trying to wrap my mind around that concept) inevitable if we keep up our contact?

 

Fact: you and your ex are still in love with one another.

 

Fact: your ex is married.

 

Fact: you and your ex are having an emotional affair--one that is draining vital fluids from your ex's newly minted marriage.

 

Fact: you want your ex to dump his new "rebound" bride, scoop you up in his arms and carry YOU over that threshold.

 

What's a girl to do? Everyone is young, there are no kids involved and the " rebound" marriage is brand new.

 

Your ex is not stupid, needy maybe. The conditions are in place for him to decide whether to divorce or embrace his new bride. If he loves you and realizes that he made a stupid mistake in marrying, then he will fix things.If you sleep with him, have that affair, he just may decide to keep the bride and have you on the side.

 

I would put my cards on the table: tell him that it's her or you. Tell him that he made a dreadful mistake,you are willing to take him back and that he can be truly happy once again. If he agrees and exits the marriage, great. If he balks or tries to string you along, get out. Then, it's just a "cake man" affair or the beginnings of one. You deserve much more than his crumbs.

 

Good luck.

[Venus_in_Scorpio]

Originally posted by jester

Fact: you and your ex are still in love with one another.

 

Fact: your ex is married.

 

Fact: you and your ex are having an emotional affair--one that is draining vital fluids from your ex's newly minted marriage.

 

Fact: you want your ex to dump his new "rebound" bride, scoop you up in his arms and carry YOU over that threshold.

 

What's a girl to do? Everyone is young, there are no kids involved and the " rebound" marriage is brand new.

 

Your ex is not stupid, needy maybe. The conditions are in place for him to decide whether to divorce or embrace his new bride. If he loves you and realizes that he made a stupid mistake in marrying, then he will fix things.If you sleep with him, have that affair, he just may decide to keep the bride and have you on the side.

 

I would put my cards on the table: tell him that it's her or you. Tell him that he made a dreadful mistake,you are willing to take him back and that he can be truly happy once again. If he agrees and exits the marriage, great. If he balks or tries to string you along, get out. Then, it's just a "cake man" affair or the beginnings of one. You deserve much more than his crumbs.

 

Good luck.

 

I was afraid you would say that. About the emotional affair. It didn't start out that way. I just NEED him so much. I think he needs me to, or he wouldn't have fallen off his pedastal of spousal nobility and allowed us to fall back into contact again. It seems that little by little, the floodgates are opening...first texting each other, then IMing, now a lunch date in the works...I sense a release in him, and while my mouth is saying "Work it out. Go to counseling. You should have thought about that before you went down to the courthouse, etc.", my heart is greedily grabbing up every little crumb he throws my way.

 

I can't say this recent turn of events doesn't gratify me on some sick level. It feels GOOD to know he still loves me. That the marriage was a rebound. That my love isn't falling on barren ground. I do love him. Madly, passionately. Was I naive to think that by loving him that much I could let him go when the time came? He knows how I feel. I've hidden absolutely nothing from him. I told you we tell each other everything.

 

It's exciting. It feels like falling in love with each other did the first time. That "I can't get enough contact" feeling. I'm just being honest. I'm not tossing and turning in bed every night thinking of ways to save his marriage.

 

All that being said, I don't want to feel that way. I don't want to be "that kind of girl." I promised him that I could handle a friendship between us. I don't want to violate that trust by secretly trying to sabotage his marriage. I do want him- desperately. I won't lie about that. But I want him to come to me freely, without coersion. If he can't do that, then it's not worth the agony.

 

I don't think the time is right to issue an ultimatum. There's not enough incentive on his part--not yet. We haven't seen each other in a couple of months- I don't know if the attraction that would compel him to even consider it is still there. Or if it's mutual. We'll see.

 

I agree that sleeping with him would be a bad idea. How is he sacrificing anything or making a decision that way?

 

Thanks for the advice though. For pointing out some hard truths and forcing me to be honest with myself. I'll keep you posted on how this goes.