confused over failing marriage

[1151]

I've been married for over 8 years. We have been together for about 11 years. We have a beautiful 5 year old boy, A beautiful home and a healthy family. About

5 or 6 months ago it was quite apparent that something was wrong. I tried talking with my wife but she would never engage in a conversation with me. Our relationship slowly diminished. We continued to do things as husband and wife but there was no friendship remaining. I started searching for that catastrophy that I must have committed to destroy such a wonderfull marriage. I tried to rekindel

the romance but nothing seemed to work. I suspected that there may be someone else involved. I confronted my wife and she assured me that there was not. Having never had a reason not to trust her in the past, I believed her. Things still did not get better and my suspicions grew. When I couldn't get the answers from her, I started to look elsewhere. It did not take long before I was able to find out that there was infact someone else. After a complete breakdown, I spoke to her about it. It was the first time that we actually talked about our relationship in a long time. She told me about this guy but assured me that she was just talking to him about out relationship and that "nothing" was going on.

She also became very angry with me for snooping into her private stuff. i was always a believer that thre was no secrets in marriage. She told me some things that have upset her over the past year. She had some very valid points but nothing that would warrant ruining a marriage over. I asked her why she never told about these things before. She said that she tried but that I never listened.

We both lead busy lives and I think that as we got so tangled up in our own lives, our marriage was suffering and our communication broke down which is why we are where we are today. She told me that she wasn't sure if she wanted the relationship anymore. This tore my heart out. She said that it is because what I did and didn't do for the last year. I really believe that she is just running blind because of this other person. She wants me to back off. She said that the harder i try, the farther she gets pushed away. I tried to talk to friends about it. When she found this out, she got angry that "i aired out out laundry" to others. I am so confused. I would like to just go after this other guy for invading my family. I know that this wouldn't do any good. My wife and i still live in the same home, share the same bed, eat together and have idol conversation. I don't know if she is even trying to end her relationship now that she knows that I know. I could go on and vent forever about this but I think that i got my story across. I cry every day. I shake uncontrolably. I don't sleep, I can't eat. I'm afraid to talk to anybody in fear of her finding out and becoming more angry. I see a counselor but she only hears one side of the story so she can't really help much. I am lost. I love my wife and son more than anything. I would give my right arm to have her just hold me for a minute and tell me that she loves me and that everything will work out. I stare at pictures and listen to music and reminisce all day. I'm a forty year old basket case in fear of losing everything that I love and worked for. I don't understand this. I don't know if i could make it through this if it happens. I don't want to see my son on the weekends. I don't want someone else touching my wife. I just want to wake up and hope that this is all a bad dream. It's time for me to leave work and go home now. I'll walk into the house and see her sleeping and then break down crying because i want to hold her and I know that she doesn't want me to. What should i do? Wait it out or force the issue about the other guy? Some things in life you just don't want to know. Thanks for listening

[Arabess]

When a marriage or relationship is messed up by a third party being involved.....the third party always gets the blame.

 

You can't fix what is wrong in your marriage by attacking or blaming him. The problem has to be directly communicated with your wife...only.

 

He is not in the right....but it was a choice SHE made to involve him....for whatever reason she may have had.

 

With THAT said....I think the worst feeling in the world is to be betrayed by the one person you thought you could trust. It is soooo painful! And usually, there isn't much cure or relief. Only time gets you thru it.

 

If you go back thru some of the other threads which have posted by people in your situation......PM one of them and get someone in your same thoughts to share with you what they did to get thru this. HurtinginVA is a real good person for you to talk to.....or at least read her posts. She went thru much the same thing and took steps to save her marriage.

 

Please hang in there and realize that 'this too shall pass'. Pains of the heart do not last forever. Once you get over the initial shock....you can begin to see things clearly and decide what you want to do. More importantly, see where SHE stands regarding the marriage. I know the 'Marriage Builders' site is very good.

 

Good Luck to you 1151....and keep posting! You aren't alone.

 

Arabess

[Karlise]

I felt so sad reading your post

 

My significant other and I did go through a rough patch where communication broke down, we became distant and I had thoughts about leaving the relationship and seeing other people. ANd yes, I did start regularly emailing and calling a coworker, although under the guise of 'friendship'

 

It is so confusing to be confronted with what seems a 'sudden' disappearance of intimacy and closeness. In fact, what usually has happened is a gradual routine of avoidance leads to an erosion of closeness over time.

 

In our efforts to have the 'perfect' relationship we fell into a trap. We ended up with a 'polite' relationship where bad feelings and thoughts were never discussed.

 

We had to learn how to argue with each other and still feel 'safe' while doing so. This took time and practice.

I had to learn to let go and show my true emotions. My partner had to learn to let go and let me know when he needed me.

 

There were many uncomfortable moments and times when I thought "I can't do this...I want out."

 

We are still together and things are so much better now.

 

I hope it works out for you. It sounds like you have so much love in your heart for the people in your family.

 

Re-establishing intimacy is very scary and a very out of control feeling for a lot of people.

 

I wish you luck.

[meanon]

Take heart from the fact that many on this site have been through what you are going through and have survived with their marriages damaged but intact. Try to forget about the other guy for now, you need all your attention and energy on your marriage. I think that the most important thing is to try and regain the ability to communicate about what has happened and is happening now. For example, you don't seem clear about the nature of their relationship now. The communication wasn't great before this problem from the sounds of it so it may well be that by improving this, some of the incentive for looking outside the marriage will be removed. Joint counselling will help - have you suggested this?

 

Do talk to a trusted friend if you need to - she admits to talking to him about your relationship so can hardly complain. Listen to her when she asks you to back off but insist that the trade off is that she is honest with you and talks to you. Guilt may be a factor in the way she is treating you - don't assume it's all because she just wants him.

 

Post again if you need to - good luck.

[coueage]

It takes Courage

 

Oh God, why is it that when we want to be good and share love, we are forced to be hard and cold to survive? There comes a time when you want to cry because you realize what you have and what you left and what is there.

But there is always something, isn't there God? To spoil it all. To take away those tears of joy that you were never able to shed and instead there are tears of sorrow on our loved ones’ part. We could never shed tears of sorrow. We have forgotten how. Instead, our minds become warped and our hearts heavy and our souls full of hate.

One short year in 21 years we have changed.

Please, God, stay with me, help me never to forget that you are here with me—that there is always a chance—always hope and somehow, Dear Lord, to overcome the things that oppress us and the changes that have taken place. Never let me forget, God, and never let me go through this again.

 

I want my life. I want to live no matter what I must face. Where there is life, God, there is hope and a chance for things to get better. If things are that bad where you do not want to live—do not have life, things cant get worse. They could only get better with time. Give me the time and my life, God. Give me the chance and stay with me. That’s all I ask. It’s a big request. But when you realize what the meaning of this request is, it can only mean it is sacred and everyone deserves that chance. Please bring me home alive.

I am sick at what I see and I am scared.

Give me the courage and confidence needed to make it, God. You understand—I don’t have to go on and on. You know what I am on the inside,

 

And God, if I have to die at such a young age, let me die in my country. Please bring me home alive and watch over me.

Thank you, God, for everything you have done and for making my chances look good. And I know if I keep my escaping faith, I will make it.

 

Please, God, please,

[meanon]

You will make it. Your faith will help. So will talking - we are here if you need support. Just ask.

[fleet]

[color=black][/color]

Dear confused--you say problems have been there for a year. What are they? Why did it take you so long to see them? It sounds as if your wife is done with the marriage and perhaps you should start preparing yourself instead of dwelling on the past. Leave the other guy out of it. He didn't start it, you did, he isn't going to finish it, she is. My husband and I went through this a few years back. It was the crying, whining, etc type stuff that drove us futher and further apart. I threatend suicide a few times which of course was just for attention and made the hugh mistake of placing blame on everyone else, what a fool I was. It was the controlling things that I did that forced us apart long before the other woman. We have since divorced which has worked for both of us. we have gone on and grown up and can actually get along. We have three children that my husband sees whenever he wants, not only on weekends. We are able to do this now because I realize that I couldn't force him to love me and let go of the anger. I now imagine what my life would have been like if I had "forced" my husband to stay with me. I can guess that I would still be that whining, crying, sniveling, pathetic person that I had become. I wonder why I did those things? I have found new love, in myself. I no longer need to be dependant on him or anyone else.

I'm sure that you didn't want a reality look at your situation here, but sympathy instead. I felt obligated to tell you fact based on my past experience and hope that this helps you to move on. So many people waste years of their lives trying to hold on to something that doens't exist - what a waste. If you know that your marriage is over then stop feeling sorry for yourself, pick up your head and go on.

[dutch9150]

I thought that you were me! This sound so similar to the issues that I am enduring right at this very moment. Even down to the Nextel phone.

[Guest]

I've been married for over 8 years. We have been together for about 11 years. We have a beautiful 5 year old boy, A beautiful home and a healthy family. About

5 or 6 months ago it was quite apparent that something was wrong. I tried talking with my wife but she would never engage in a conversation with me. Our relationship slowly diminished. We continued to do things as husband and wife but there was no friendship remaining. I started searching for that catastrophy that I must have committed to destroy such a wonderfull marriage. I tried to rekindel

the romance but nothing seemed to work. I suspected that there may be someone else involved. I confronted my wife and she assured me that there was not. Having never had a reason not to trust her in the past, I believed her. Things still did not get better and my suspicions grew. When I couldn't get the answers from her, I started to look elsewhere. It did not take long before I was able to find out that there was infact someone else. After a complete breakdown, I spoke to her about it. It was the first time that we actually talked about our relationship in a long time. She told me about this guy but assured me that she was just talking to him about out relationship and that "nothing" was going on.

She also became very angry with me for snooping into her private stuff. i was always a believer that thre was no secrets in marriage. She told me some things that have upset her over the past year. She had some very valid points but nothing that would warrant ruining a marriage over. I asked her why she never told about these things before. She said that she tried but that I never listened.

We both lead busy lives and I think that as we got so tangled up in our own lives, our marriage was suffering and our communication broke down which is why we are where we are today. She told me that she wasn't sure if she wanted the relationship anymore. This tore my heart out. She said that it is because what I did and didn't do for the last year. I really believe that she is just running blind because of this other person. She wants me to back off. She said that the harder i try, the farther she gets pushed away. I tried to talk to friends about it. When she found this out, she got angry that "i aired out out laundry" to others. I am so confused. I would like to just go after this other guy for invading my family. I know that this wouldn't do any good. My wife and i still live in the same home, share the same bed, eat together and have idol conversation. I don't know if she is even trying to end her relationship now that she knows that I know. I could go on and vent forever about this but I think that i got my story across. I cry every day. I shake uncontrolably. I don't sleep, I can't eat. I'm afraid to talk to anybody in fear of her finding out and becoming more angry. I see a counselor but she only hears one side of the story so she can't really help much. I am lost. I love my wife and son more than anything. I would give my right arm to have her just hold me for a minute and tell me that she loves me and that everything will work out. I stare at pictures and listen to music and reminisce all day. I'm a forty year old basket case in fear of losing everything that I love and worked for. I don't understand this. I don't know if i could make it through this if it happens. I don't want to see my son on the weekends. I don't want someone else touching my wife. I just want to wake up and hope that this is all a bad dream. It's time for me to leave work and go home now. I'll walk into the house and see her sleeping and then break down crying because i want to hold her and I know that she doesn't want me to. What should i do? Wait it out or force the issue about the other guy? Some things in life you just don't want to know. Thanks for listening

I loved her so much but I know she'll never come back.

I miss her.