The kids

[Star_Bright]

Hello, forum. I'm new here but have been browsing for a bit. I keep reading how MM saying he is "staying for the kids" is a lousy excuse. In my sitch my MM has two early teenage kids and I understand why he wants to stay home for them. It would cause so much upheaval and change to them. The first issue I'm grappling with is, am I the only one who feels this is actually an understandable reason not to leave the M for the OW? I love him and can see how it hurts him to hurt his children like that. Why is staying for the kids such a lousy excuse? I believe him when he says he would rather be with me than his wife, but that would involve hurting his kids. I totally get why he wouldn't want to do that to his kids. So why does it seem like everyone is saying that him staying for the kids is just some line he feeds as a flimsy excuse? Call me stupid for believing what he tells me, but I do and this makes sense to me.

 

On the other hand, we have already been caught by his wife. Right now he is on the fence and thinking about how, logically, he doesn't want to leave because he doesn't want to hurt his kids, but, emotionally, in his heart, he wants to be with me. I am giving him time to decide and I've come to see that that's not popular around here. But I'm okay with it. I don't want to pressure him and I'm also not going to stick around forever. I just want to give him the time to decide because I love him and I feel very strongly that he loves me, and to me it is worth giving it that much. My concern, though, lies with his worst fear coming true, involuntary- if his wife finds out about us again and leaves him and turns his kids against him. Or even if it's just that he doesn't get to see his kids on a daily basis anymore, well, then the thing(s) he fears most, all involving his kids, will have happened. So what I can't wrap my head around is this. He's not sure he wants to hurt his kids by leaving to be with me, but he's still carrying on the affair with me, which ultimately could end up hurting his kids anyway. This is the part that doesn't make sense to me. These are just thoughts I'm putting out here into cyberspace and I know the responses will be a mixed bag but I appreciate in advance any heartfelt and thought-provoking replies. Thanks, forum.

[OWoman]

Hello, forum. I'm new here but have been browsing for a bit. I keep reading how MM saying he is "staying for the kids" is a lousy excuse. In my sitch my MM has two early teenage kids and I understand why he wants to stay home for them. It would cause so much upheaval and change to them. The first issue I'm grappling with is, am I the only one who feels this is actually an understandable reason not to leave the M for the OW? I love him and can see how it hurts him to hurt his children like that. Why is staying for the kids such a lousy excuse? I believe him when he says he would rather be with me than his wife, but that would involve hurting his kids. I totally get why he wouldn't want to do that to his kids. So why does it seem like everyone is saying that him staying for the kids is just some line he feeds as a flimsy excuse? Call me stupid for believing what he tells me, but I do and this makes sense to me.

 

On the other hand, we have already been caught by his wife. Right now he is on the fence and thinking about how, logically, he doesn't want to leave because he doesn't want to hurt his kids, but, emotionally, in his heart, he wants to be with me. I am giving him time to decide and I've come to see that that's not popular around here. But I'm okay with it. I don't want to pressure him and I'm also not going to stick around forever. I just want to give him the time to decide because I love him and I feel very strongly that he loves me, and to me it is worth giving it that much. My concern, though, lies with his worst fear coming true, involuntary- if his wife finds out about us again and leaves him and turns his kids against him. Or even if it's just that he doesn't get to see his kids on a daily basis anymore, well, then the thing(s) he fears most, all involving his kids, will have happened. So what I can't wrap my head around is this. He's not sure he wants to hurt his kids by leaving to be with me, but he's still carrying on the affair with me, which ultimately could end up hurting his kids anyway. This is the part that doesn't make sense to me. These are just thoughts I'm putting out here into cyberspace and I know the responses will be a mixed bag but I appreciate in advance any heartfelt and thought-provoking replies. Thanks, forum.

 

SB, the obvious answer would be for him to leave and to get custody of the kids. If they're in their early teens, then they have a say over their future custody arrangements. My H's D gave him and his xW shared custody (on paper), but in reality they were mostly with us. He sees far more of them post-D than before.

 

(But in a couple of years time, if they're teens, you won't see much of them anyway, as they'll be with their friends all the time... )

[WalkInThePark]

I have spoken a lot about this with my xMM. The kids are one of the reason why he is staying and I think it is genuine.

Here are some of the elements:

1) He has a big sense of responsibility. Everything he does is for his family.

2) Divorce would mean no longer living fulltime with the kids, plus denying his W to live fulltime with the kids.

3) In his case I have to add that there is one child which is seriously disabled (will

never be able to have even the slightest independency so will need care for the rest of its life).

4) As for as caring (weekends and holidays) for the disabled child is concerned, his W and him make a perfect team.

5) Having a disabled child has had an influence on the other kids and he does not want to cause turmoil in their lives since they are doing well at school and in their social life.

6) He is the engine of the family, the one who makes things happen so if he would divorce, his W would probably have trouble to function on her own as a good parent for the kids.

 

It all makes sense but for me the basic problem is that his W should clean up her act and become someone who exists on her own. That way there would be a lot less burden on him and the relationship should be more balanced. But it is the basic - unhealthy - dynamic of their relationship and as long as they both play their role, nothing will change despite all his good intentions.

[BB07]

Hi SB,

I think some mm have no intention of leaving and use the kids as an excuse and then there are other mm who genuinely struggle with it.

 

IMO, the kids have already been hurt by the discovery of the affair by the bs, even if they are not directly aware of it. There has to be fallout and even if they don't know the circumstances of what the problem is between mom and dad, they sense something is going on.

 

What I'm trying to say is that mm needs to realize he has already done damage, and he needs to step up to the plate and either stop the damage by not continuing the affair or come clean with bs and work from there. A divorce is hard enough for the kids but one complicated by an affair has the potential to cause a lot more hurt and pain for everyone. To pretend that he hasn't hurt them already is sticking his head in the sand.

[Dexter Morgan]

Hello, forum. I'm new here but have been browsing for a bit. I keep reading how MM saying he is "staying for the kids" is a lousy excuse. In my sitch my MM has two early teenage kids and I understand why he wants to stay home for them.

 

kids will adjust. so basically him wanting to stay for the kids until they are out of the house is robbing the years off his wife's time on this planet. she is serving a sentence.

 

besides, he more than likely just doesn't want to pay child support. I don't think most times it has anything to do with staying FOR them as much as it is staying FOR his paycheck.

 

I'm on the other side of it. there was no way I was going to stay with a cheating wife. I didn't care about paying child support. Its worth it to get away from an untrustworthy woman.

 

and I knew my kids would be better off with a father that wasn't in a miserable home with a miserable wench. my time with my kids is much happier than if I had stayed.

 

 

It would cause so much upheaval and change to them. The first issue I'm grappling with is, am I the only one who feels this is actually an understandable reason not to leave the M for the OW? I love him and can see how it hurts him to hurt his children like that.

 

and why is it you think waiting just a couple more years will make the difference?

 

why is it acceptable to drop the bomb when his wife has gotten a little older when she could have been using those years to rebuild her life and finding a good man?

 

 

Why is staying for the kids such a lousy excuse?

 

because of what they are robbing their spouse of. life is short

 

 

I believe him when he says he would rather be with me than his wife, but that would involve hurting his kids. I totally get why he wouldn't want to do that to his kids.

 

you think they aren't going to be hurt when they are 18 knowing he was boning another woman and cheating on their mother?

 

again, what is the difference between being 18, and say 15 besides 3 years?..........money.

 

 

So why does it seem like everyone is saying that him staying for the kids is just some line he feeds as a flimsy excuse? Call me stupid for believing what he tells me, but I do and this makes sense to me.

 

well why would you believe him? he is a cheater which makes him a liar by default.

 

 

On the other hand, we have already been caught by his wife. Right now he is on the fence and thinking about how, logically, he doesn't want to leave because he doesn't want to hurt his kids, but, emotionally, in his heart, he wants to be with me. I am giving him time to decide and I've come to see that that's not popular around here. But I'm okay with it.

 

most people aren't concerned whether you are ok with it or not.

 

if he and his wife both agreed that they would stay together until the last kid is out of the house....then ok. that is what they BOTH decided.

 

but if he is putting on an act like he wants to work on the marriage knowing full well he is going to ditch his wife in a few years anyway, thats manipulation and abuse in my book.

 

 

I don't want to pressure him and I'm also not going to stick around forever. I just want to give him the time to decide because I love him and I feel very strongly that he loves me, and to me it is worth giving it that much. My concern, though, lies with his worst fear coming true, involuntary- if his wife finds out about us again and leaves him and turns his kids against him.

 

here is the problem....he is cheating on her...you are an accomplice. both of you are hurting her.....but you are going to sit there and assume that she would do this?

 

my wife was a cheating scumbag. but I would never turn the kids against her. If they ask what happened, I'll tell them the truth, but I'm not going to hinder their relationship with her.

 

if the kids turn against your cheating MM, then it will be because he hurt their mother, not because of what she says.

 

don't assume his wife is vindictive(although she'd have every right to have vindictive thoughts which have nothing to do with the kids). its your cheating MM that is the jackass here....and you are an accomplice.

 

Or even if it's just that he doesn't get to see his kids on a daily basis anymore, well, then the thing(s) he fears most, all involving his kids, will have happened. So what I can't wrap my head around is this. He's not sure he wants to hurt his kids by leaving to be with me, but he's still carrying on the affair with me, which ultimately could end up hurting his kids anyway.

 

the kids are going to be pissed at him anyway, whether they are 15 or 18.

 

they may not disown him, but they will be angry and dissappointed at the start.

 

but back to the original premise of your post....staying for the kids because he doesn't want to hurt them....I'm sure that may be true, but only a small fraction of why he doesn't leave.

 

face it, he wants to wait until they are 18 right? and why is that.....no child support. If you think I'm wrong, then why not go ahead and divorce when they are 15 or 16? why waste his wife's time any further?

[Brokenlady]

SG,

There was a similar thread last year you may want to check out.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t195720/

[Star_Bright]

SB, the obvious answer would be for him to leave and to get custody of the kids. If they're in their early teens, then they have a say over their future custody arrangements. My H's D gave him and his xW shared custody (on paper), but in reality they were mostly with us. He sees far more of them post-D than before.

 

(But in a couple of years time, if they're teens, you won't see much of them anyway, as they'll be with their friends all the time... )

 

Hmmm I don't think he wants full custody. He doesn't think his wife is a bad mother and in fact says she's a very good mother. He says if he leaves it makes the most sense for them to stay in the family house with her. He is afraid he won't get to see them much or she'll use the affair to turn them against him. I've told him, as you said, that she doesn't automatically get "most" of the custody just because she's the mother, and that they get some say and can stay pretty much wherever they want at their age or soon. I think the biggest issue is he just doesn't want to disrupt their daily lives and make things hard on them and have them be embarrassed by what people say. I understand this. He's also told me he's afraid to shake up the way things are in his own life, because he would miss seeing his kids every day. So to me he doesn't tell me these things just as an easy out but he tells me what he is honestly struggling with and I do understand. He wants his kids to be able to keep the family they know, which wouldn't be possible if he left to be with me.

[Star_Bright]

I have spoken a lot about this with my xMM. The kids are one of the reason why he is staying and I think it is genuine.

Here are some of the elements:

1) He has a big sense of responsibility. Everything he does is for his family.

2) Divorce would mean no longer living fulltime with the kids, plus denying his W to live fulltime with the kids.

3) In his case I have to add that there is one child which is seriously disabled (will

never be able to have even the slightest independency so will need care for the rest of its life).

4) As for as caring (weekends and holidays) for the disabled child is concerned, his W and him make a perfect team.

5) Having a disabled child has had an influence on the other kids and he does not want to cause turmoil in their lives since they are doing well at school and in their social life.

6) He is the engine of the family, the one who makes things happen so if he would divorce, his W would probably have trouble to function on her own as a good parent for the kids.

 

It all makes sense but for me the basic problem is that his W should clean up her act and become someone who exists on her own. That way there would be a lot less burden on him and the relationship should be more balanced. But it is the basic - unhealthy - dynamic of their relationship and as long as they both play their role, nothing will change despite all his good intentions.

 

 

I'm so glad to hear from someone who knows where we're at. This is it exactly except that in my sitch my MM has no problem with how his wife raises the kids with or without him and he has no disabled children. But 1) and 2) resonate so strongly with me. And the part about MM and his wife making a good team when it comes to child-rearing. He has told me that his strengths are her weaknesses and vice versa. The kids are who they are today because they both raised them and he is afraid of changing that dynamic. Thanks Walkinthepark for your post because part of me just wanted to see if I was the only crazy person who actually believes and understands my MM about this.

[Star_Bright]

Hi SB,

I think some mm have no intention of leaving and use the kids as an excuse and then there are other mm who genuinely struggle with it.

 

IMO, the kids have already been hurt by the discovery of the affair by the bs, even if they are not directly aware of it. There has to be fallout and even if they don't know the circumstances of what the problem is between mom and dad, they sense something is going on.

 

What I'm trying to say is that mm needs to realize he has already done damage, and he needs to step up to the plate and either stop the damage by not continuing the affair or come clean with bs and work from there. A divorce is hard enough for the kids but one complicated by an affair has the potential to cause a lot more hurt and pain for everyone. To pretend that he hasn't hurt them already is sticking his head in the sand.

 

I completely agree with this. It's what I've been telling him. It's to the point where I think I have to step back to prevent what HE is afraid of happening-- his kids getting more hurt. If he doesn't want to hurt them by leaving to be with me then he should stop hurting them by having the affair with me. He admits he is taking the "ostrich approach" but says he is really thinking about it and he knows that soon he needs to decide one way or the other. I can feel his struggle. I strongly believe he wants to be with me but does not want to hurt his kids.

[Star_Bright]

SG,

There was a similar thread last year you may want to check out.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t195720/

 

Thanks Brokenlady I'm off to check out this thread right now.

[Brokenlady]

Star Bright,

Even if your MM is telling the truth and is in fact the martyr you want to believe he is---how long are you willing to wait? It sounds like he can never leave her, lest the kids shed a tear.

 

Here's where I have the issue. Every kid wants their parents together and that feeling lingers well into adulthood (consider the popular movie "parent trap"). All well and good. But kids don't always get what they want - the point of being a parent is to do what's best for them regardless of what they want. What if they want to do drugs - is that ok too just cause they want to?

 

Perhaps he is convinced that it's better for them to live in a house with parents who have a loveless M - fine, but why then is he still having an A with you and jeopardizing that? Either he isn't convinced that's best for them OR he doesn't have the cahjonays to back up his conviction with action. Either way, it doesn't paint a pretty picture of him.

 

For the record, I am not convinced that having a sham M is good for the kids. I doubt he is either, it just would involve too much effort to change the status quo. The only way he's going to do anything different is if you make it very clear what your needs are and see if he's willing to meet them. You can't make him do anything, all you can control is you.

[piscis]

Hi SB!!

 

If you read some of my threads you'll know I am dealing with something like you, my MM will not leave the M because of his daughter.

I think you have found the way to justify him (I am really not wanting to sound rude please excuse me if it sounds like that I have just found the way to excuse him about everything also).

 

What I mean here is that he makes you see that he has no other options than to be a father and stay in the M, so ok he has to stay but what about you?

Maybe he is not lying, I am not even suggesting he is, but IMO he will always have the perfect excuse as soon as he says he is staying fot the kids, if the kids are very small they need both parents to grow, if they are teens he can not leave because they can do drugs or alcohol to deal with teh pain of the divorce, if they have left to study somewhere else how could he leave now that the house is all alone, maybe I am mistaken but would you want to stay all that to prove me wrong or right?

 

What I find funny (not in your case in all cases like this) is that parents believe that by staying they will teach their children compromise, the value of family, but instead they are giving them a home with lies, promises, problems because believe a man having an A is not providing that quality family time at home.

 

For you my best wishes to not sit and wait for him to decide what is best for him decide what is best for you, Í have not reached that but I hope I am every day closer to that

[jwi71]

Hello, forum. I'm new here but have been browsing for a bit. I keep reading how MM saying he is "staying for the kids" is a lousy excuse. In my sitch my MM has two early teenage kids and I understand why he wants to stay home for them. It would cause so much upheaval and change to them. The first issue I'm grappling with is, am I the only one who feels this is actually an understandable reason not to leave the M for the OW? I love him and can see how it hurts him to hurt his children like that. Why is staying for the kids such a lousy excuse? I believe him when he says he would rather be with me than his wife, but that would involve hurting his kids. I totally get why he wouldn't want to do that to his kids. So why does it seem like everyone is saying that him staying for the kids is just some line he feeds as a flimsy excuse? Call me stupid for believing what he tells me, but I do and this makes sense to me.

 

On the other hand, we have already been caught by his wife. Right now he is on the fence and thinking about how, logically, he doesn't want to leave because he doesn't want to hurt his kids, but, emotionally, in his heart, he wants to be with me. I am giving him time to decide and I've come to see that that's not popular around here. But I'm okay with it. I don't want to pressure him and I'm also not going to stick around forever. I just want to give him the time to decide because I love him and I feel very strongly that he loves me, and to me it is worth giving it that much. My concern, though, lies with his worst fear coming true, involuntary- if his wife finds out about us again and leaves him and turns his kids against him. Or even if it's just that he doesn't get to see his kids on a daily basis anymore, well, then the thing(s) he fears most, all involving his kids, will have happened. So what I can't wrap my head around is this. He's not sure he wants to hurt his kids by leaving to be with me, but he's still carrying on the affair with me, which ultimately could end up hurting his kids anyway. This is the part that doesn't make sense to me. These are just thoughts I'm putting out here into cyberspace and I know the responses will be a mixed bag but I appreciate in advance any heartfelt and thought-provoking replies. Thanks, forum.

 

He's lying of course.

What did his divorce lawyer tell him about custody? Because mine, and I cannot think of a "typical A case here on LS, where the WS was denied custody because he is a cheater. It doesn't work that way. Being a shyte H does not make one a shyte father. In any case, I'm kinda curious what his lawyer said about that.

 

And turn his kids against him? That's a laugh. Sure, she can make it difficult but her kids are old enough to hear and know daddy is leaving mommy, not them. That even though he is beginning a new life with the OW he loves and cherishes them. And will cry every minute they are with their mom and be overjoyed every minute they are with him.

 

Then you put the kids in family therapy and help them process the divorce. Help the learn and cope with their new lives. I have yet to see or hear ANY evidence that divorce is a long term life stress or inhibitor to a child. What matters is not married parents but involved ones. I'm sure he has asked around with local therapists and gotten their advice.

 

So...what steps has he taken in getting real, professional advice and counsel on leaving? Any? HE got the cold hard legal facts (Affairs have ZERO impact on custody) and that D isn't this life

 

What's more likely, to me, is he is lying.

 

I say this because his ACTIONS do not support his WORDS.

If he is SO scared of "losing his kids" then why does he engage in activities which are likely to result in that very thing?

My take: He uses this as an excuse and simply wants an A. If he wanted a D he would get one (remember, his actions, upon discovery again, will likely get him one anyway). With both results being a D and "loss of kids" then his motivations become clear...he doesn't want a D and wants an A.

 

He makes no effort to leave the M nor one to stay in it.

(Because he is perfectly happily with the status quo and the lies keep his status quo in tact.)

 

I know, I'm wrong.

I know, you're special.

I know, I don't know "it all".

 

Walk. Tell him you love him, you want a life with him but you cannot go forward until he presents signed and sealed finalized D papers.

[YellowShark]

It's to the point where I think I have to step back to prevent what HE is afraid of happening-- his kids getting more hurt.

 

If the kids know about their father's affair they are already hurt and conflicted. I know of two good friends who's parents had an affair when they were children, and even now as adults now they resent the wayward spouse, and severely dislike the OW.

 

If he doesn't want to hurt them by leaving to be with me then he should stop hurting them by having the affair with me.

 

Sadly it's too late for the kids if they know about the affair. They will look at their father as one who betrayed their mother and hurt her. If he leaves their mother for you - the OW - they will REALLY be hurt.

 

Sadly this is the fallout from having an affair with a MM who has children. Innocent people get hurt. For the children gone is the fundamental sense of order and justice in the world, they will now have a hard time trusting people they love for their father betrayed their mother and lied to them.

 

I hope their parents take them for counselling so that they can process this affair, and not carry the baggage with them into adulthood.

 

Best of luck.

[herenow]

IMO, a man who is so selfless that he would stay married to a woman he doesn't love for the sake of his kids isn't the kind of man who would have an affair. Especially if he loves another woman. That kind of man would be sensitive enough to his wife to know that he was robbing her of the true love she deserves.

 

Also, If his kids and their well-being are more important than his own happiness, he wouldn't be spending time with an OW.

 

You can be a great father and a not so great husband. That may be why there are so many divorces. But, IMO, you can't be a great father and cheat on your kids mother. How does that help the kids. How awful are they going to feel when he leaves knowing he only stayed because of them? What a guilt trip he is setting them up for.

 

Also, when is a good time to leave? Isn't the family unit just as important when a kid goes to college, gets married, has kids of their own, etc.? Does parenting stop at the age of 18?

[Dexter Morgan]

SB, the obvious answer would be for him to leave and to get custody of the kids.

 

if the kids don't have a preference, then he won't get custody unless the mother is fit.

 

but really thats justice for ya if he did get custody. Cheat on the wife, then take her kids away. (if he could) Talk about adding insult to injury.

 

 

If they're in their early teens, then they have a say over their future custody arrangements.

 

and chances are if they know he is sticking it to another woman and hurting their mother, they won't want to live with him.

 

And if they did, then damn....talk about totally f#####g over their mother. Not only did she get sh#t on, but they are going to smite her by siding with the cheating father?

 

Dayum, I don't know what I'd do if my own kids betrayed me.

[Dexter Morgan]

IMO, a man who is so selfless that he would stay married to a woman he doesn't love for the sake of his kids isn't the kind of man who would have an affair. Especially if he loves another woman. That kind of man would be sensitive enough to his wife to know that he was robbing her of the true love she deserves.

 

exactly why its my contention that it isn't so much FOR the kids(maybe a very, very small reason) but rather for his bottom line. $$$$$$

[piscis]

IMO, a man who is so selfless that he would stay married to a woman he doesn't love for the sake of his kids isn't the kind of man who would have an affair. Especially if he loves another woman. That kind of man would be sensitive enough to his wife to know that he was robbing her of the true love she deserves.

 

Also, If his kids and their well-being are more important than his own happiness, he wouldn't be spending time with an OW.

 

 

 

You are completely right!!! Can not agree more

[datura_noir]

I, for one, think it ALWAYS comes down to "How much will I pay in child support" vs "How can I maintain a residence on my own?" I only have my H to ask on that, and he said that THAT was the defining factor in his divorce. He did move out, but has (and still) suffers financially. I always supported whatever amount came our way.

 

He wants to stay for the kids-fine. That means no extra support and love on the side. This avenue may seem harsh, but, if he really wants this (as opposed to someone just looking to dodge child support), he will spend the time (and monies) he normally spends on you with his kids. No ifs ands or buts.

 

Most (I would imagine ALL) men do NOT like to pay CS; they think it goes to the XW's lifestyle. I have heard this from so many (even my own) so don't even try to argue with me. Even my own XH said the same thing. I told him to shove it and do the right thing.

 

The thing is, if the "staying for the kids" is real, he would not be in contact with you, and there would be an agreement between him and his W as to the circumstances. She would be on board, and you would be in the loop.

 

But kids usually don't thrive well in sitch's where the MM goes back as a ghost prescence; they don't get the attention and focus. So either A) he is hiding behind the kids as an excuse or B) he needs to line up his financial ducks so that his kids will be screwed.

 

Neither is a good picture of an honorable man.

 

Don't fool yourself.

[fooled once]

Hello, forum. I'm new here but have been browsing for a bit. I keep reading how MM saying he is "staying for the kids" is a lousy excuse. In my sitch my MM has two early teenage kids and I understand why he wants to stay home for them. It would cause so much upheaval and change to them. The first issue I'm grappling with is, am I the only one who feels this is actually an understandable reason not to leave the M for the OW? I love him and can see how it hurts him to hurt his children like that. Why is staying for the kids such a lousy excuse? I believe him when he says he would rather be with me than his wife, but that would involve hurting his kids. I totally get why he wouldn't want to do that to his kids. So why does it seem like everyone is saying that him staying for the kids is just some line he feeds as a flimsy excuse? Call me stupid for believing what he tells me, but I do and this makes sense to me.

 

On the other hand, we have already been caught by his wife. Right now he is on the fence and thinking about how, logically, he doesn't want to leave because he doesn't want to hurt his kids, but, emotionally, in his heart, he wants to be with me. I am giving him time to decide and I've come to see that that's not popular around here. But I'm okay with it. I don't want to pressure him and I'm also not going to stick around forever. I just want to give him the time to decide because I love him and I feel very strongly that he loves me, and to me it is worth giving it that much. My concern, though, lies with his worst fear coming true, involuntary- if his wife finds out about us again and leaves him and turns his kids against him. Or even if it's just that he doesn't get to see his kids on a daily basis anymore, well, then the thing(s) he fears most, all involving his kids, will have happened. So what I can't wrap my head around is this. He's not sure he wants to hurt his kids by leaving to be with me, but he's still carrying on the affair with me, which ultimately could end up hurting his kids anyway. This is the part that doesn't make sense to me. These are just thoughts I'm putting out here into cyberspace and I know the responses will be a mixed bag but I appreciate in advance any heartfelt and thought-provoking replies. Thanks, forum.

 

Of course he has you convinced he is doing the right thing by staying until the kids are ...... when exactly is he planning on leaving? When the youngest is 18? When they are both in college fulltime? What if one decides to not go to college and instead stays home for a couple years and works? Or maybe when they both graduate? What if one decides to get married at 20? What if one turns up pregnant and has to stay at home because they aren't getting married and need financial help? When exactly is he planning on leaving??

 

Hmmm I don't think he wants full custody. He doesn't think his wife is a bad mother and in fact says she's a very good mother. He says if he leaves it makes the most sense for them to stay in the family house with her. He is afraid he won't get to see them much or she'll use the affair to turn them against him. I've told him, as you said, that she doesn't automatically get "most" of the custody just because she's the mother, and that they get some say and can stay pretty much wherever they want at their age or soon. I think the biggest issue is he just doesn't want to disrupt their daily lives and make things hard on them and have them be embarrassed by what people say. I understand this. He's also told me he's afraid to shake up the way things are in his own life, because he would miss seeing his kids every day. So to me he doesn't tell me these things just as an easy out but he tells me what he is honestly struggling with and I do understand. He wants his kids to be able to keep the family they know, which wouldn't be possible if he left to be with me.

 

So he doesn't want full custody? Why? If he just loves them oh so much and can't even think about being apart from them...why not full custody? Because then they would know that daddy has a girlfriend already lined up?

 

So if he doesn't get full custody, chances are he WILL be paying child support. And depending on the state you live in (if it is in the USA), then he could be paying until / through college. Depends on what state laws are and depends on what they would agree to. Most likely, he would be responsible for part of college.

 

So if he just can't bear to spend time apart from them, when is he seeing you? Shouldn't he be spending that time with his kids, you know, the ones he just can't bear to be away from?

 

So is it really because of the kids? Or is it really because of money? Do you not mean more to him than money? Because eventually, child support does stop (and I know this because my H paid child support for 15 years AND I received child support for 12 years ... see both of us are divorced and guess what .... it can be done and you still do get to be a part of your child's life..in fact, in many ways you get to spend even BETTER time / more quality time / 1-1 time with your kid(s). You have scheduled time, you don't have to worry about staying away from home, or being tense while at home with that spouse who you claim to not want to be with.

 

Sorry, I do not buy the "staying for the kids" line.

 

Instead, you have a liar cheating his family - cheating his wife out of a life with someone who cares about her. Cheating his kids out of a tension free, loving happy home. He is teaching his kids that instead of dealing with an issue, you run out and find someone new behind someone's back. You teach them to lie, cheat and betray.

 

Do you really think those kids are going to be so accepting of you after they find out that daddy was boinking you while married to mommy? Do you think they are going to have respect for him when they find out .... and they will find out. Whether it be from him .. which I doubt since he doesn't really know how to tell the truth...oh wait...he has told only YOU the truth, right? Not his wife, that he courted years ago and asked to marry him. Not the woman he chose to spend his life with, the woman he made plans with to start a family, the woman he made plans for the future with... that's right, it is her that he lies to.

 

So keep waiting. Keep accepting the excuses he is giving you for why he just can't, just can't leave his wife for you.

 

One other question....what did he tell his wife about you? Did he tell his wife the truth, that he loved you? Have you called her and told her that you aren't allowing a little thing like marriage to get in the way of you and him being together? Did he take this opportunity to finally be truthful to his wife about not being in love with her and instead, finding love with you?

 

I didn't think so Sorry this will be your life for the next ..... wait, when did you say he was finally going to leave?

[Star_Bright]

Thanks, forum, for the advice. I'm going to try to address some individual posts because I appreciate the time everyone's taken to talk to me about this issue I've been dealing with.

 

But first I just want to say that I don't believe he is staying because of the money or not wanting to pay child support. He makes very good money (as do I, but he is older than me and has been making it for longer and is very successful at his career). He has shared with me his net worth and what her half would be if he leaves. He has no problem with that, nor do I. He wants to make sure she is taken care of. Yes, he will have to pay child support for five years and alimony too but I have never once caught a glimpse that this would bother him. It's like the opposite-perhaps it's cultural-he feels an obligation to take care of his family financially and it seems to me that much of his identity is based on this. Family is important to him, and whenever he talks about leaving, he talks about making sure everyone is well provided for. Without any pang of doubt or regret. He says his family would stay in their house, which is very very nice, and he would move into an apartment. He doesn't ever seem to worry about money nor would he need to because he makes a lot of it. He doesn't have any reason to worry about how much child support would be or if he could maintain a residence on his own, etc. To me his fears, as I've stated, are about his childrens' emotional well-being because he knows they will always be provided for financially. If anything he may be one of those fathers who would over-spoil them out of guilt. They would certainly never suffer financially no matter what his choice.

 

Other threads ring a chord with me and I am not trying to ignore the negatives or be defensive. I just wanted to state up front that in my sitch it's not about money, so we can put that thought to rest.

[Star_Bright]

kids will adjust. so basically him wanting to stay for the kids until they are out of the house is robbing the years off his wife's time on this planet. she is serving a sentence.

 

I share your view and I've talked to him about this. He professes his undying love for me and I believe him. So I said, what if we had kids and I was in love with someone else and was giving my all to him, physically and emotionally, and not being upfront about it with you. Would you want me to just stay for the kids? Wouldn't you want to know? He said he understands my point of view but in his mind he is focused on his kids more than his wife. He knows it is best for HER if he tells her the truth and leaves to be with me, but he doesn't know if that's what's best for the kids.

 

besides, he more than likely just doesn't want to pay child support. I don't think most times it has anything to do with staying FOR them as much as it is staying FOR his paycheck.

 

Please see above-I don't believe he is staying for child support or financial reasons. He could easily afford to have five families, not that he should do that, of course.

 

I'm on the other side of it. there was no way I was going to stay with a cheating wife. I didn't care about paying child support. Its worth it to get away from an untrustworthy woman.

 

and I knew my kids would be better off with a father that wasn't in a miserable home with a miserable wench. my time with my kids is much happier than if I had stayed.

 

I'm sorry this happened to you. I understand that your happiness was more important than money and that your happiness is what matters to your kids. For what it's worth I completely respect your decision and I thank you for the input.

 

 

and why is it you think waiting just a couple more years will make the difference?

 

why is it acceptable to drop the bomb when his wife has gotten a little older when she could have been using those years to rebuild her life and finding a good man?

 

because of what they are robbing their spouse of. life is short

 

I understand what you're saying. Again he seems to be focusing on his kids and not his wife's point of view. And for that reason, I am too.

 

most people aren't concerned whether you are ok with it or not.

 

Well I'm concerned with whether I'm okay with it and that's why I'm here. If you aren't concerned with how I feel then I wonder why you are taking the time to post in my thread. If you are just concerned with yourself then no offense buddy but I'm going to take what you say with that grain of salt. I am here to get help with my situation and I'm here because I'm concerned with what I am okay with and not okay with. Not sure why you're here but that's why I'm here.

 

here is the problem....he is cheating on her...you are an accomplice. both of you are hurting her.....but you are going to sit there and assume that she would do this?

 

my wife was a cheating scumbag. but I would never turn the kids against her. If they ask what happened, I'll tell them the truth, but I'm not going to hinder their relationship with her.

 

if the kids turn against your cheating MM, then it will be because he hurt their mother, not because of what she says.

 

don't assume his wife is vindictive(although she'd have every right to have vindictive thoughts which have nothing to do with the kids). its your cheating MM that is the jackass here....and you are an accomplice.

 

Understood. I don't know if she'd be vindictive or if he just fears this. I do know he greatly fears this.

 

the kids are going to be pissed at him anyway, whether they are 15 or 18.

 

they may not disown him, but they will be angry and dissappointed at the start.

 

So I'm not to assume how his wife would react but I'm to assume how his kids would react? I don't get that one.

 

Thanks for the food for thought.

Edited August 26, 2010 by Star_Bright

[Star_Bright]

Star Bright,

Even if your MM is telling the truth and is in fact the martyr you want to believe he is---how long are you willing to wait? It sounds like he can never leave her, lest the kids shed a tear.

 

. . .

 

Perhaps he is convinced that it's better for them to live in a house with parents who have a loveless M - fine, but why then is he still having an A with you and jeopardizing that? Either he isn't convinced that's best for them OR he doesn't have the cahjonays to back up his conviction with action. Either way, it doesn't paint a pretty picture of him.

 

For the record, I am not convinced that having a sham M is good for the kids. I doubt he is either, it just would involve too much effort to change the status quo. The only way he's going to do anything different is if you make it very clear what your needs are and see if he's willing to meet them. You can't make him do anything, all you can control is you.

 

This hits the nail on the head and is exactly where I'm at with this. If he wants to stay for the kids, I understand, but I can't be any part of his life then. To me it is just messing up his goals as well as mine. You really expressed well the thoughts I have been having. Thank you.

[Star_Bright]

Hi SB!!

 

If you read some of my threads you'll know I am dealing with something like you, my MM will not leave the M because of his daughter.

I think you have found the way to justify him (I am really not wanting to sound rude please excuse me if it sounds like that I have just found the way to excuse him about everything also).

 

What I mean here is that he makes you see that he has no other options than to be a father and stay in the M, so ok he has to stay but what about you?

Maybe he is not lying, I am not even suggesting he is, but IMO he will always have the perfect excuse as soon as he says he is staying fot the kids, if the kids are very small they need both parents to grow, if they are teens he can not leave because they can do drugs or alcohol to deal with teh pain of the divorce, if they have left to study somewhere else how could he leave now that the house is all alone, maybe I am mistaken but would you want to stay all that to prove me wrong or right?

 

What I find funny (not in your case in all cases like this) is that parents believe that by staying they will teach their children compromise, the value of family, but instead they are giving them a home with lies, promises, problems because believe a man having an A is not providing that quality family time at home.

 

For you my best wishes to not sit and wait for him to decide what is best for him decide what is best for you, Í have not reached that but I hope I am every day closer to that

 

Piscis.

 

I was trying to find out if there's some way to message you privately but I think there's not. So I will just give you a public heartfelt thanks for telling me about your story and for giving me that advice in your post. I feel like you know what I'm going through and you gave me some very wise words.

 

Yes, I understand about his kids but what about me. That's the point I'm at. I know I have the strength to say goodbye. Our affair hasn't been very long (but it's been extremely intense). I love him and I ask myself what is a fair amount of time to give him to decide? I understand that these things don't happen overnight. I don't think he is the horrible liar that some make him out to be. I know it was wrong of us to embark upon this affair but I also know he loves me and is trying to determine whether his own needs and desires should come before his childrens' stability. I really believe this is what he is doing but as you and others point out-I cannot wait forever. I need to think about myself since by his own admission he is thinking about his kids and since, based on others' speculations and on human nature, he may be thinking selfishly too.

 

I wish that you will find your strength Piscis because your post was very powerful for me and I know you are wise! I hope you will stay in touch with me. You really seem to understand me. Thanks again Piscis.

[Dexter Morgan]

if the kids don't have a preference, then he won't get custody unless the mother is fit.

 

correction, meant to say "unfit"