The kids

[Star_Bright]

You seem to have a justification for everything. Please tell me how you justify what I said in my post.

 

IMO, a man who is so selfless that he would stay married to a woman he doesn't love for the sake of his kids isn't the kind of man who would have an affair. Especially if he loves another woman. That kind of man would be sensitive enough to his wife to know that he was robbing her of the true love she deserves.

 

Also, If his kids and their well-being are more important than his own happiness, he wouldn't be spending time with an OW.

 

You can be a great father and a not so great husband. That may be why there are so many divorces. But, IMO, you can't be a great father and cheat on your kids mother. How does that help the kids. How awful are they going to feel when he leaves knowing he only stayed because of them? What a guilt trip he is setting them up for.

 

Also, when is a good time to leave? Isn't the family unit just as important when a kid goes to college, gets married, has kids of their own, etc.? Does parenting stop at the age of 18?

 

Hello herenow. I think you make very valid points and these are some things I've been talking with him about. I agree with what you say here.

[Star_Bright]

 

But kids usually don't thrive well in sitch's where the MM goes back as a ghost prescence; they don't get the attention and focus. So either A) he is hiding behind the kids as an excuse or B) he needs to line up his financial ducks so that his kids will be screwed.

 

Neither is a good picture of an honorable man.

 

Don't fool yourself.

 

This struck a chord with me. MM says when he is with his wife he feels like a ghost or a robot. He said that he is happy spending time with his kids and that feels real to him. But with his wife it's like he's a skeleton because he's always thinking of me.

[silktricks]

Or there are other things more or as important to him as the love for a woman.

 

That wouldn't work for me. We each make our own choices - but for me (and my husband) if I am not the most important in his life and he is not the most important in mine, then something is wrong. Even our children are not more important than each other, and I (personally) wouldn't ever accept that I was less than most important for any extended period of time, nor would he. Obviously there are moments in time when something else takes precedence, but week in and week out, month in and month out, year in and year out??? Nope, not acceptable.

[Dexter Morgan]

Yeah, she could say that, but that goes back to actually being able to "turn kids away" when they are teenagers. Kids really are not stupid. They understand a lot more than they are given credit IMO, and they really don't like it when they can see (and they will) that someone is trying to manipulate them.

 

tellilng them what happened in a non-detailed, truthful way is not turning them against the cheating parent. The CHEATING itself is what will turn them away, not the other parent's disclosure of it.

 

I will never tell my kids what their mom did. but if they ask when they get older, I will tell them the truth, without details, then I will drop it.

 

If they end up not liking their mother because of it, oh well. its her doing that will cause it to be so....not my telling the truth. Telling the truth is not manipulating. Telling the truth and putting little twists on it with detailed narratives meant to instill hatred in the other spouse is a different story.

 

If they ask why I divorced, I'll say, "because your mother cheated". simple as that. Its the truth. Nothing manipulative about it. And I won't offer it up unsolicited. They will have to ask.

[Star_Bright]

Of course he has you convinced he is doing the right thing by staying until the kids are ...... when exactly is he planning on leaving? When the youngest is 18? When they are both in college fulltime? What if one decides to not go to college and instead stays home for a couple years and works? Or maybe when they both graduate? What if one decides to get married at 20? What if one turns up pregnant and has to stay at home because they aren't getting married and need financial help? When exactly is he planning on leaving??

 

At first he said it would be ideal to stay until his youngest is in college which is five years from now. I do know of many couples who get divorced once the kids are gone, so I don't think that's that rare and I get where he's coming from. He said he knows he can't ask me to wait that long and I said, no, he can't. So he said he is making a decision one way or the other.

 

I have a lot of doubts about him leaving his family and he picks up on this. He said he was ready to leave them in the past and suddenly I felt so bad for ripping apart his family and I told him not to do it unless he was 100% sure. He said he could never be 100% sure about leaving his kids. So I told him not to. Yet we didn't stop the affair which I agree is just as bad to his wife if not worse than him leaving... but I do see how in his perspective he is doing the best thing for his kids by staying there and keeping the life they know.

 

These posts are making me realize that it's me who has the issue with him leaving his family. He tells me this all the time. He wants to feel like I'm committed to him if he leaves. I am but I feel guilt about helping him leave his family.

 

 

So he doesn't want full custody? Why? If he just loves them oh so much and can't even think about being apart from them...why not full custody? Because then they would know that daddy has a girlfriend already lined up?

 

For the first part... as I've explained he doesn't think full custody is fair because he doesn't want to deprive their mother of custody. He wants shared custody. I see nothing wrong with that and think it would be the right thing to do.

 

As for the second part... yes, he's told me he doesn't want the kids to know about me right away. He doesn't want them to know he left their mom for another woman. But that's how it would be. I told him he is fooling himself that they wouldn't find out, especially now that she knows about us.

 

So if he doesn't get full custody, chances are he WILL be paying child support. And depending on the state you live in (if it is in the USA), then he could be paying until / through college. Depends on what state laws are and depends on what they would agree to. Most likely, he would be responsible for part of college.

 

Of course he's going to pay for their college! He pays for their expensive private high school and he has a huge college fund for them. He is not trying to shirk his financial responsibilities towards them. He takes great pride in providing for them financially. So I really wish people would stop inventing this as an excuse when I know it isn't.

 

 

Sorry, I do not buy the "staying for the kids" line.

 

Instead, you have a liar cheating his family - cheating his wife out of a life with someone who cares about her. Cheating his kids out of a tension free, loving happy home. He is teaching his kids that instead of dealing with an issue, you run out and find someone new behind someone's back. You teach them to lie, cheat and betray.

 

Do you really think those kids are going to be so accepting of you after they find out that daddy was boinking you while married to mommy? Do you think they are going to have respect for him when they find out .... and they will find out. Whether it be from him .. which I doubt since he doesn't really know how to tell the truth...oh wait...he has told only YOU the truth, right? Not his wife, that he courted years ago and asked to marry him. Not the woman he chose to spend his life with, the woman he made plans with to start a family, the woman he made plans for the future with... that's right, it is her that he lies to.

 

So keep waiting. Keep accepting the excuses he is giving you for why he just can't, just can't leave his wife for you.[/quotes]

 

All good points, I agree with everything here. I know what you're saying and that's what I'm dealing with in my head and heart right now.

 

 

One other question....what did he tell his wife about you? Did he tell his wife the truth, that he loved you? Have you called her and told her that you aren't allowing a little thing like marriage to get in the way of you and him being together? Did he take this opportunity to finally be truthful to his wife about not being in love with her and instead, finding love with you?

 

I didn't think so Sorry this will be your life for the next ..... wait, when did you say he was finally going to leave?

 

No, I'm sure he minimized me and I think she thinks it was just sex. I know he didn't tell her he loved me more than her and would rather be with me. He doesn't want to do that even if he leaves. He wants to say he is unhappy with the marriage and needs to leave because he thinks it will hurt her too much if he leaves her for me. I think that's cowardly and unrealistic of him and I've told him that. But he doesn't want to just throw it in her face like that and say he is leaving for me. In the meantime though he's pretty much flaunting the affair in front of her and not caring that she knows about it. It seems cruel. So yeah I get most of your points and thank you for the thoughts.

[Star_Bright]

well, people that could care less about the pain they are causing others will dismiss the truth.

 

my saying that about whether you are concerned with it or not is alot of people will be disgusted by the lack of compassion for the wife and the idea that he will string her along and dump her later when she could have been using that precious time to rebuild...time she will never get back.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Assuming that a wife would be vindictive as if she is some sort of monster, and assuming an understandable angry reaction from someone is two different things.

 

by trying to insinuate she would be vindictive is you and him assigning an undesirable character trait to her.

 

assuming that the kids will be angry, at least initially and even on the smallest level, is an emotion that anyone would feel if they found out their parent was cheating on the other.....unless the kids could care less about the pain caused to their mother.

 

OK I understand what you meant now. Thanks.

[Confused4Now]

The kids are teenagers. Does he really believe that his children are so shallow minded that his wife could turn them against him? Teenagers make up their own minds - and usually the harder a parent tries to sway them in a direction, the less likely they are to go there .

 

As for his wife being vindictive, well, maybe she would attempt to be; but that's why child custody laws are in place. The lawyers set up how the child custody will be handled. She doesn't get to use the children to hurt him. She doesn't get to say he can't see them, because the lawyers will have things set up so that he can.

 

I have never been able to buy that line about staying for the kids. If he was all that altruistic, he wouldn't be having an affair in the first place. After all, the time he spends with you is time he could be spending with the kids.

 

Maybe he loves you. But if he loves you, he doesn't love you enough.

This is the one thing that my xW tried to do was turn my kids on me once she knew about the xMW. We pretty much had a family meeting and what came out of my teenage and adult childrens mouth was everything I was trying to communicate to my xW the last 21 years. What was even sadder was the next day she said I obviously brainwash my kids. I said wow you really don't give your kids any credit for understanding what was going on in the house.

 

As for staying for the kids I've said this many times in the forum...I was really torn and I have to say that was my excuse as well...however looking back after this all played out. It did more harm to the kids as now my adult children saw my behaviors towards my xW and now they do the same behaviors in their relationships....I do talk to them and tell them what I did with their mom is nothing close to being healthy behavior.

 

As for custody it was very easy for me....I had one 12 year old and it was clear who the better parent was....I ended up with custody.

[Star_Bright]

Piscis, I love your avatar, it's beautiful! Where did you get it, if I may ask??

 

Regarding the staying for kids, most men are territorial by nature. That is, even if he were to leave, the thought of another man being in his ex-wife's and kids lives is a hard pill to swallow. He may wish to wait until the youngest is off legally because at that time any other man will not be such a hands-on step-parent. He will relate to his kids as young adults in a way he can't as children, I think men do better with kids at that age emotionally (just my opinion).

 

Don't discount the territorial thing; why do polygamist societies exist if not for the man to have different women to build his family? I'm not saying that he wants that, but even the thought of his (ex) wife sleeping with another might be kinda hard for him to contend with. Unless he is absolutely disgusted with her, he still has feelings for her.

 

I don't want to confuse you or be a Debbie Downer, just always good to hear the practical stuff. I get all my info on divorced dads from my husband; I trust his word.

 

I really appreciate your posts datura. They are practical and bring up new points I hadn't thought about, which is why I decided to come to this forum.

 

You're right, he does still have feelings for his wife and would probably be hurt if she was dating another guy. I know him well enough to know that and I also understand it in a twisted way. Even after past relationships have ended that I've wanted to end, I'd still get jealous/sad if that person started dating someone new. (I would understand and try to be happy for them but those feelings are natural I think). I can't imagine throwing kids/ new step-dad potential into the mix.

[Star_Bright]

Star what he is telling you is that he is still attached to the idea that they are a "happy family". Unless and until he feels that the marriage so lacks viability that he no longer sees them as a happy family he is not going to leave, no matter HOW old the children are.

 

The mother is fit. He doesnt want full custody. He could live nearby and see them alot, perhaps more but it would mean HE would be inconvenienced if he were the sold caretaker of the children for 1/2 the week or whatever period of time he shared custody.

 

He has the life he wants now. Great mother, wife who looks after the family, time with you. Being a single father is no easier than being a single mother, perhaps more difficult for some if they are not used to spending alot of time with the children when the W is not around.

 

So its not so much that the childrens' lives will change dramatically its that HIS life will change dramatically. And the marriage isnt so bad that he feels he needs to leave for his own well being.

 

I know this isnt what you want to hear but basically hes not a candidate for divorce.

 

 

I completely see your point. I think you're right. But then why does he pretty blatantly still carry on the affair with me? (I know, why do I let him?) If he doesn't want to risk changing their lives and hurting them then why does he do stuff that would get him kicked out?

[silktricks]

tellilng them what happened in a non-detailed, truthful way is not turning them against the cheating parent.

Absolutely, it is not. If they ask, it is the right thing to do, IMO.

 

The CHEATING itself is what will turn them away, not the other parent's disclosure of it.

It may or may not.

 

If they ask why I divorced, I'll say, "because your mother cheated". simple as that. Its the truth. Nothing manipulative about it. And I won't offer it up unsolicited. They will have to ask.

Sounds to me like the right way to handle it.

[Star_Bright]

Oh lord, im in such a similiar situation , SB. Im so happy to read this whole thread.

 

SB you are lucky you are in this A for not so long.

 

I dont know where to start from, i could only add to your questions SB.

My MM too, is saying he is staying for the kids and i too believe him and well, it makes sense. But i always wondered why is he spending so much time with me and not with his kids? I never stopped to think and put the puzzle together as much as i do latley.

I really like Dexter's point of view, cause he is the other side, and i dont have the chance to see that one often.

 

Of Course "staying for the kids" means staying for the kids, but also means "i dont want to change my happy life - how will it be with you?"

 

The thing i believe MM don't understand is that if THEY are happy, everyone else will be happy too. My MM is already on pills for depression and will be for life, especially if he doesnt do anything about it.

 

MM are used to their lives, im my sitch, its almost the only life he has ever known. His wife is a marvelous person, a great parent but as he claims, there just isnt any "couple" love anymore.(i could open a new topic over this thought...) I agree on him robbing his W of her good years. He too, though, has expressed that he wishes she would have an A, despite his dislikness if it occured...

 

All of this shows a coward man. A one afraid to step up for his rights and feelings and for his family's rights and feelings.

Or...does it show a man that has worked hard to continue what he started and just cant make it? Does it show a "weak" man cause he does consider others feelings but just doesnt know he is'nt handling them right?

 

Of course posters will jump at me and say the routine, "yeah and what did he think he was doing when he was screwing other women?" Thats too easy. Not that it cant apply, but still too easy.

 

Some people find it hard to step into another's shoes. This makes it hard to see the harm you are doing and ,on the other hand, hard to understand for examlple, the cheating man's side of the truth.

 

Yes, cheating-MM are ruining lots of lives but are they doing it on purpose? Did they know their M would be bad from day 1? Did they know they will meet another woman that means more to them? Do you really think they are doing this on purpose?So yes, they are awful, unhonourable, not to rely on sons of doggies. But they didnt get to this point in a minute..

As an OW, at least im free to come and go, he isnt. He has a family and has to suport it. He too needs support to make the right decisions.

 

As an OW im having a hard time trying to figure out what i want from an A, imagine to have to think about a half o dozen people along with it.

 

Anyways, my facts are : He is ruining his life, "robbing" his W's life and mine and probably setting a time bomb for his kids. Am i the best person to tell this to him? I want him (and me) to be happy. Should i give him this information or will it be considered pressure? And yes ofcourse he knows all this but sometimes you have to hear it out loud to understand. I dont think he talks to anyone about his A, so can i "break the news" on him?

And a totaly random question but : if the D-Day ever comes, i always thought it would be good for him to live alone for a while to get his stuff together and have some privacy, is that bad?

 

I hope i stayed on topic, i tend to chase butterflies .

 

ps my father had affairs when i was young (im guessing even before their marriage) i was the one to ask my dad at the age of 13 why they are not getting a divorce(i never found out about an affair till i was 23...so yes kids understand). I never hated my Father, even though my Mother was saying lots of bad stuff about him...so yes again, kids understand, dont hide.

 

They never did got a Divorce. Where did that get me as a child of a supposed-to-be-divorced couple? ....posting as an OW.

 

Thanks for sharing all of this. I don't have answers either but it helps to explore the questions.

 

I bolded the part of your post I've been thinking the most about lately. I often feel like if I was a princess who lived in a perfect world MM would still be wondering whether being with ME would be better than being with his family. My answer to that is no, it wouldn't be. I can't compete with his family. So why does he say he wants to leave to be with me, but then say things like, he's not sure what a real relationship with me would be like? In my sitch I know it's not the money that holds him there. His financial situation would change drastically and he knows this and we've talked about it and he seems fine with it, love over money and all of that. He certainly has no intention of not providing for his wife and kids. But for him it is more the emotional stability of the family he's worked to provide for for all those years. He wants to make sure he's not throwing it away for a temporary thing. But how can he know what it's like if he doesn't try it. To me it starts to feel like a catch 22.

[Dexter Morgan]

It may or may not.

 

if it does, the point is its not the disclosure of information, its the act that will turn them away.

 

people shouldn't hate the messenger.

[Star_Bright]

The kids are teenagers. Does he really believe that his children are so shallow minded that his wife could turn them against him? Teenagers make up their own minds - and usually the harder a parent tries to sway them in a direction, the less likely they are to go there .

 

As for his wife being vindictive, well, maybe she would attempt to be; but that's why child custody laws are in place. The lawyers set up how the child custody will be handled. She doesn't get to use the children to hurt him. She doesn't get to say he can't see them, because the lawyers will have things set up so that he can.

 

I have never been able to buy that line about staying for the kids. If he was all that altruistic, he wouldn't be having an affair in the first place. After all, the time he spends with you is time he could be spending with the kids.

 

Maybe he loves you. But if he loves you, he doesn't love you enough.

 

I agree that his kids will make up their own minds and that his wife wouldn't be able to use them against him in the way he fears. He knows the law so maybe his fears are real or maybe they are just excuses. I don't know. I also agree that if he cared so much about his kids' happiness and the family unit, he wouldn't be having this affair with me.

[Capris]

...............

Also, If his kids and their well-being are more important than his own happiness, he wouldn't be spending time with an OW.

...................

 

Well spending time with his kids means spending time with his wife too, sometimes means spending time with the rest of his wife's family.

So its not that he doesnt want to spend time with the kids, its the people that sometimes come with them he dislikes. And you know how some mothers are when it comes to leaving the kids with the dad..."you idiot! you dont know ****!let me do it!!" ....

 

This is why i agree on leaving sometimes is for the best.

[Star_Bright]

I just talked to MM and he said if we are going to be together then I need to accept that that is going to tear apart his family. I need to own that and be okay with it if we're going to work out. He reminded me that at one point recently he was ready to leave and I got cold feet because I didn't want him to hurt his family. But then I let the affair continue again! What is wrong with me. I know that this is no better for them than him leaving (although he seems to disagree with me) so why did I encourage him to stay before?

 

He said I waver and send him inconsistent messages. He wants to leave to be with me but he has to know first that I'm okay with all that that entails and that I understand and accept that it means hurting his family.

 

Well, I feel guilty and evil now and I just can't do that. I love him but I don't want it to cause their destruction. I've been grappling with this issue and I appreciate the forum's help. I'm feeling down right now and it's nice to be able to "talk" to "someone." Thanks, forum.

[someday]

You don't have to own that. If he leaves his family HE has to own that. You've got to own your part, but not all of it. His choice to step outside of his M, not yours. I think it's very, very unfair of him to try to put that on you. Can you imagine what life will be like years from now, should you and he remain together, and he's holding you responsible for his actions? Doesn’t sound good to me.

 

IMO, there is a good way to leave a M...having an A is not a good way. I think, maybe, that means leaving you temporarily to sort out the end of his M. Regardless, this is his M and his D, he needs to sort that out for him, his W and his chldren.

[Snowflower]

I just talked to MM and he said if we are going to be together then I need to accept that that is going to tear apart his family. I need to own that and be okay with it if we're going to work out. He reminded me that at one point recently he was ready to leave and I got cold feet because I didn't want him to hurt his family. But then I let the affair continue again! What is wrong with me. I know that this is no better for them than him leaving (although he seems to disagree with me) so why did I encourage him to stay before?

 

He said I waver and send him inconsistent messages. He wants to leave to be with me but he has to know first that I'm okay with all that that entails and that I understand and accept that it means hurting his family.

 

Well, I feel guilty and evil now and I just can't do that. I love him but I don't want it to cause their destruction. I've been grappling with this issue and I appreciate the forum's help. I'm feeling down right now and it's nice to be able to "talk" to "someone." Thanks, forum.

 

OMG, please read what you just wrote about your MM. (I bolded the parts that I thought were pertinent). He is saying that YOU need to accept that if he leaves to be with you, that it is tearing apart his family. It sounds like he is blaming you or wanting you to take responsibility for tearing apart HIS family.

 

Hello, if he leaves his family for you, it will be HIS ACTIONS that tear apart his family.

 

It seems like he is trying to place the decision/responsibility/blame on YOU for his actions to leave. Do you see this?

 

I know this isn't the topic of your thread, but there is always a lot of discussion on this forum about who is at fault for the affair: the MP (married partner) or the affair partner (AP). Usually the consensus is the MP is to blame and the AP is not the one at fault.

 

It's interesting to me that in your case the MP is trying to make YOU, the AP, take the fall for tearing apart his family and marriage.

 

Do not let him place the blame on you. I can't believe he actually said that you need to "own" your part in his decision to tear apart his family. Hello, he is the one doing that.

[Star_Bright]

I get what you both are saying. But I think what MM means is that if he talks to his wife about leaving (which he did before we got caught, and I got cold feet out of guilt) again, then it's final, and he wants to know I'm not going to freak out on him out of guilt and not want to be with him after he made that huge drastic step. Does that make sense? That's what I took him to be saying. That he accepts that leaving to be with me means tearing apart his family and I need to accept that too or else I'm going to have all these negative feelings that make me want to run away from him.

[Dexter Morgan]

Well, I feel guilty and evil now and I just can't do that. I love him but I don't want it to cause their destruction. I've been grappling with this issue and I appreciate the forum's help. I'm feeling down right now and it's nice to be able to "talk" to "someone." Thanks, forum.

 

well, you feel guilty, which at least sets you apart from a majority of the OW on this site. I can at least respect that.

 

The kids will be dissappointed whether he does it now or later. At least if he does something now, the wife will not have any more of her years wasted and can start the rebuilding process.

[Dexter Morgan]

OMG, please read what you just wrote about your MM. (I bolded the parts that I thought were pertinent). He is saying that YOU need to accept that if he leaves to be with you, that it is tearing apart his family. It sounds like he is blaming you or wanting you to take responsibility for tearing apart HIS family.

 

I don't think he is blaming SB. I think he is saying that she simply needs to own HER PART in it and be okay with the fallout.

 

because no matte what anyone says, she DOES have a part in all of this. smaller part than the MM, but a part nonetheless.

 

Do not let him place the blame on you. I can't believe he actually said that you need to "own" your part in his decision to tear apart his family. Hello, he is the one doing that

 

she has a "part", and you just said so. So who is to own HER "part" if not her? People need to be responsible for their actions and quit thinking that just because they aren't married to the wife that they have no responsibility in the affair.

 

If one is going to be irresponsible, at least own it.

Edited August 27, 2010 by Dexter Morgan

[bentnotbroken]

This is the one thing that my xW tried to do was turn my kids on me once she knew about the xMW. We pretty much had a family meeting and what came out of my teenage and adult childrens mouth was everything I was trying to communicate to my xW the last 21 years. What was even sadder was the next day she said I obviously brainwash my kids. I said wow you really don't give your kids any credit for understanding what was going on in the house.

 

As for staying for the kids I've said this many times in the forum...I was really torn and I have to say that was my excuse as well...however looking back after this all played out. It did more harm to the kids as now my adult children saw my behaviors towards my xW and now they do the same behaviors in their relationships....I do talk to them and tell them what I did with their mom is nothing close to being healthy behavior.

 

As for custody it was very easy for me....I had one 12 year old and it was clear who the better parent was....I ended up with custody.

 

 

The truth is most children(of reasonable age) don't base their opinions of their parents on others opinions. They have lived in the family long enough to see the truth for themselves. Negative statements either way will give them pause, make them wonder, but for the most part they reason their way through the bull. Just in CNM posts, the children aren't blind to poor relationships. Just as my children knew the things that Mr. Messy had done to me over the years(and the things I had done to him), their anger at him came about by the things he said, not the things I said.

 

It is reasonable to fear leaving, but it isn't reasonable to use children as the excuse to hold a partner in a relationship that is stunting the growth of either partner. If it the BS using the kids as an excuse to keep the WS from leaving or the WS using the kids as an excuse to keep the BS in the dark and living a lie so they can have their cake and eat it too. It all stinks to high Heaven. Punk moves.

[jj33]

I completely see your point. I think you're right. But then why does he pretty blatantly still carry on the affair with me? (I know, why do I let him?) If he doesn't want to risk changing their lives and hurting them then why does he do stuff that would get him kicked out?

 

 

This was in response to my post that he doesnt want to change HIS life. Hes not so scared of hurting them as he is of the impact on HIS life if he divorces.

 

Think of all of his objections that he has posed to you

 

His kids will be turned against him

 

His W will be vindictive

 

What he doesnt say is HE will have to support his W and kids while supporting himself in a separate home and being a single parent part of the time

 

HE doesnt want these things

 

And that is borne out by the fact that he is ALREADY blaming YOU for the damage to his family if he leaves.

 

Why does he carry on the A if he has these fears? Because he thinks he wont get caught and this is a safe "half way" house for him. He has his family intact, he has the freedom in his schedule to see you, he is not burdened emotionally or financially (or in terms of scheduling) by being a divorced man with children.

 

 

So what do you do? You tell him you would NEVER ask him to leave his family for you that if he leaves its because he decides the marriage is over and if he does of course you love him and would want to pursue a relatioship with him.

 

Dont you DARE take the fall for him leaving and "destroying" his family.

 

Yes I know Dex and others will say you are already doing that with the A but I am talking in terms of leaving.

 

IMHO an OW should NEVER encourage a man to leave for her. You can decide that you dont want to be an OW and end the A and if he decides to divorce be with him then but its not for you to tell him he needs to leave his W and children.

 

And I would be VERY cautious of this guy.

 

He is setting you up for "this is why I cant leave" "look what you are making me do".

 

Dont be that woman. Tell him fine you would never want to be the cause of such devastation as he has described, and if you are happy continuing as the OW do so otherwise cut him loose especially if you are feeling guilty.

[Star_Bright]

Thanks, everyone.

 

I do want to be with him but I'm strong enough to be without him. I do think that if he wants to be with me he needs to make that happen and not blame me. At the same time I recognize my share of hurting his wife. I'm not sure about the kids. I don't have kids so I can't really relate to that. I've BEEN a teenager and I know I wouldn't want my dad to leave but I would also try to understand and I would also not want my mom to be hurting because my dad was with another woman. I would want them both to be happy. But I can imagine how the wife must be hurting and I do feel bad. That feels very real to me. It doesn't make matters better that I know his wife so it is hard to realize what she is facing because of us.

 

I don't know why I love this guy so much. I mean I do- we have this amazing connection and I admire so many of his qualities. But I'm not sure why I'm participating in this destruction. His wife was his OW before she was his wife. Maybe that helps me feel less bad about hurting her. It also helps me feel like he can leave because he's left before. I don't know. I'm really confused right now because I guess I want what I can't have- to be with him but not hurt his wife and kids. Impossible. So now what. I see where he's coming from. I have to be all in despite the consequences or I have to back off for good. That makes total sense to me. I'm not sure what he's doing but my own decision that needs to be made is clear to me now.

[BB07]

Thanks, everyone.

 

I do want to be with him but I'm strong enough to be without him. I do think that if he wants to be with me he needs to make that happen and not blame me. At the same time I recognize my share of hurting his wife. I'm not sure about the kids. I don't have kids so I can't really relate to that. I've BEEN a teenager and I know I wouldn't want my dad to leave but I would also try to understand and I would also not want my mom to be hurting because my dad was with another woman. I would want them both to be happy. But I can imagine how the wife must be hurting and I do feel bad. That feels very real to me. It doesn't make matters better that I know his wife so it is hard to realize what she is facing because of us.

 

I don't know why I love this guy so much. I mean I do- we have this amazing connection and I admire so many of his qualities. But I'm not sure why I'm participating in this destruction. His wife was his OW before she was his wife. Maybe that helps me feel less bad about hurting her. It also helps me feel like he can leave because he's left before. I don't know. I'm really confused right now because I guess I want what I can't have- to be with him but not hurt his wife and kids. Impossible. So now what. I see where he's coming from. I have to be all in despite the consequences or I have to back off for good. That makes total sense to me. I'm not sure what he's doing but my own decision that needs to be made is clear to me now.

 

The part I bolded above, oh that is NOT a good sign. Doesn't that concern you, that he has a history of repeating the same behavior?

 

Also.........you should think carefully about the next sentence. Just because his wife was once his OW shouldn't make you feel less empathy for her, in fact maybe it should be quite the opposite.

 

If I were you I'd think long and hard about him repeating past history with you. I would think that it would be a flashing caution sign that maybe this man has big issues. Obviously he must have felt that she was "the one" at one point in time. Why do you think that you and he would have a better chance of working things out?

 

You can't have it both ways, he is already hurting his family with the affair with you and there isn't any way he can walk away with not hurting them more, that just isn't reality. You know this and you are feeling torn about it. Maybe the biggest question for you, is are you willing to take a chance on something that appears to be very risky?

[piscis]

I just talked to MM and he said if we are going to be together then I need to accept that that is going to tear apart his family. I need to own that and be okay with it if we're going to work out. He reminded me that at one point recently he was ready to leave and I got cold feet because I didn't want him to hurt his family. But then I let the affair continue again! What is wrong with me. I know that this is no better for them than him leaving (although he seems to disagree with me) so why did I encourage him to stay before?

 

He said I waver and send him inconsistent messages. He wants to leave to be with me but he has to know first that I'm okay with all that that entails and that I understand and accept that it means hurting his family.

 

Well, I feel guilty and evil now and I just can't do that. I love him but I don't want it to cause their destruction. I've been grappling with this issue and I appreciate the forum's help. I'm feeling down right now and it's nice to be able to "talk" to "someone." Thanks, forum.

 

Hello SB!!!

I think what your MM told you was somethins as stupid as this:

"Cake companies are responsable of you (anybody) being fat because they prepare so delicious cakes you HAVE to eat them and are unable to MAKE YOUR OWN DECISION of eat it or not"

 

Please tell me you can see this.

 

IMO you are as responsable as he is of being engaged in this R but he is blaming everything on you and I suppose he will blame his W of having an A also, so if he makes you the "great favor" of leaving you will be responsable of his kids and W behavour !! come on!!!

 

Ok, so you let the A continue and he has no choice to say step back I do not want to be with you anymore, I can imagine is he leaves and you try to have a R with him and his the XW leave town that would be your fault because you destroyed his family apart, and everything will be on you.

 

This guy is just going to bring lots of tears to your life and besides he is going to make you think what he wants you to believe.

He is not a healthy person to be around.