The kids

[someday]

I wonder, SB, if you are trying to keep him in the 'good guy' category in your mind? If he's a 'good guy' then he's worth your time and effort?

[Star_Bright]

I wonder, SB, if you are trying to keep him in the 'good guy' category in your mind? If he's a 'good guy' then he's worth your time and effort?

 

I guess so.

 

I think like everyone else he has his strengths and weaknesses.

 

Maybe I don't want to see that I've fallen for a bad guy. Because really to me he seems like a good guy.

[Star_Bright]

Doesn't that concern you, that he has a history of repeating the same behavior?

 

Also.........you should think carefully about the next sentence. Just because his wife was once his OW shouldn't make you feel less empathy for her, in fact maybe it should be quite the opposite.

 

If I were you I'd think long and hard about him repeating past history with you. I would think that it would be a flashing caution sign that maybe this man has big issues. Obviously he must have felt that she was "the one" at one point in time. Why do you think that you and he would have a better chance of working things out?

 

Yes I've thought about this. I should have mentioned that his wife was his OW over two decades ago. Not that this fact erases his prior behavior. Just that it's been a very long time.

[jj33]

The thing is SB, it doesnt matter how long they have been married. He didnt learn anything from the last time. Most OW wants to believe it will be different once we are married, he will never do that to me. And he has.

 

I believe that people are capable of change but he has not changed his style of dealing with things.

 

AND hes making it your fault if he breaks up the family.

 

I know you love him but there are BIG bright flashing red lights saying danger this man for all his good qualities is bad news.

 

As much as you think you cant, you need to back away. Cut him loose.

 

If he ends the marriage on his own, then thats one thing but if you stay with him and he ends it with you, I think you will be sorry. It will be a pyrrhic victory of sorts.

 

He will be a free man but the dynamic is all wrong as he still hasnt learned to be accountable for his own actions.

 

You know this in your heart. You are just delaying hte pain of separating from someone you love.

[bentnotbroken]

Thanks, everyone.

 

I do want to be with him but I'm strong enough to be without him. I do think that if he wants to be with me he needs to make that happen and not blame me. At the same time I recognize my share of hurting his wife. I'm not sure about the kids. I don't have kids so I can't really relate to that. I've BEEN a teenager and I know I wouldn't want my dad to leave but I would also try to understand and I would also not want my mom to be hurting because my dad was with another woman. I would want them both to be happy. But I can imagine how the wife must be hurting and I do feel bad. That feels very real to me. It doesn't make matters better that I know his wife so it is hard to realize what she is facing because of us.

 

I don't know why I love this guy so much. I mean I do- we have this amazing connection and I admire so many of his qualities. But I'm not sure why I'm participating in this destruction. His wife was his OW before she was his wife. Maybe that helps me feel less bad about hurting her. It also helps me feel like he can leave because he's left before. I don't know. I'm really confused right now because I guess I want what I can't have- to be with him but not hurt his wife and kids. Impossible. So now what. I see where he's coming from. I have to be all in despite the consequences or I have to back off for good. That makes total sense to me. I'm not sure what he's doing but my own decision that needs to be made is clear to me now.

 

WOW:eek:wasn't this a thread started by NID a few weeks ago? How would you feel if you were to become his 3rd wife and a new woman came into your marriage? Would you and your family deserve less sympathy?

[greengoddess]

I just talked to MM and he said if we are going to be together then I need to accept that that is going to tear apart his family. I need to own that and be okay with it if we're going to work out. He reminded me that at one point recently he was ready to leave and I got cold feet because I didn't want him to hurt his family. But then I let the affair continue again! What is wrong with me. I know that this is no better for them than him leaving (although he seems to disagree with me) so why did I encourage him to stay before?

 

He said I waver and send him inconsistent messages. He wants to leave to be with me but he has to know first that I'm okay with all that that entails and that I understand and accept that it means hurting his family.

 

Well, I feel guilty and evil now and I just can't do that. I love him but I don't want it to cause their destruction. I've been grappling with this issue and I appreciate the forum's help. I'm feeling down right now and it's nice to be able to "talk" to "someone." Thanks, forum.

 

 

Wow he's good. A real skilled manipulator which means he has had years of practice lying. How dare he put the destruction of his marriage on you.

 

Also the kid thing never ends. How could you possibly leave when your child is a freshman in college? They are young, scared and away from home for the first time. They need to feel they have their homes and their family to come home to if it doesn't work out. A collge freshman is even more vulnerable. You can not break up the family when the kid just leaves home.

 

Open your eyes. He is guilting you on purpose so you continue with the status quo. He is not flaunting the affair either like you stated. He is kissing his wifes butt when he is home and she thinks everything is fine. He is skilled at lying and manipulating and he has his wife snowed. She would not allow him to carry on an affair under her nose or the kids.

[greengoddess]

His wife was his OW? Oh damn. Run and run fast. Do you really want to live her life? Skilled liar, skilled manipulator. Please, please see it before you waste anymore of your life on this man.You are in love with a facade. This man has not shown you who he really is, I promise you that.

[Star_Bright]

I can't figure out how I can love him so much and think he loves me too when everyone says he's a master manipulator and a liar and just wants to use me.

 

It feels like love. How can this be?

[BB07]

I can't figure out how I can love him so much and think he loves me too when everyone says he's a master manipulator and a liar and just wants to use me.

 

It feels like love. How can this be?

 

HI SB, you know him better than anyone here, but if I were you I would be very concerned knowing his past history, (that his wife was once his OW) and that he is trying to blameshift you concerning his kids.

These two things are facts and shouldn't be discounted. You need to be extremely cautious.

[jennie-jennie]

I can't figure out how I can love him so much and think he loves me too when everyone says he's a master manipulator and a liar and just wants to use me.

 

It feels like love. How can this be?

 

This is a standard response given by many posters here on LS to all other women in affairs. You know if it applies in your case or not. They don't.

 

According to many, my MM is also "a master manipulator and a liar and just wants to use me". Sorry, gals, but that just ain't the case.

[Summer Breeze]

This is a standard response given by many posters here on LS to all other women in affairs. You know if it applies in your case or not. They don't.

 

According to many, my MM is also "a master manipulator and a liar and just wants to use me". Sorry, gals, but that just ain't the case.

 

I agree with Jennie-Jennie. You're the one who knows if he's manipulating or not and if he is, why. I don't recommend anyone have or stay in an A but I also don't recommend anyone walk away from love. It's a rare gift and you need to fight for love you know is real whether you're an OW or a BS or a WS. Be open enough to recognize if it's love and be open enough to know if it's done.

[jj33]

Jennie you are right everyone knows their own situation but the facts as Star has presented them are far different than yours.

 

1. He has a history of leaving for the OW - so he learned nothing the first time around

 

2. He is blaming Star for the fact that his family will be hurting so hes not willing to take responsibility for his own actions.

 

From what you have posted, I cant imagine that the man you are involved with would behave this way.

 

Everyone knows their own situatoin but sometimes people's emotions blind them to things. Big red flags here that dont exist in a lot of other stories posted.

 

And Star to answer your question it may be love but that isnt the end of the story. Love is not always a healthy love and not always a love will make you happy if he leaves.

[Fallen Angel]

Hello, forum. I'm new here but have been browsing for a bit. I keep reading how MM saying he is "staying for the kids" is a lousy excuse. In my sitch my MM has two early teenage kids and I understand why he wants to stay home for them. It would cause so much upheaval and change to them. The first issue I'm grappling with is, am I the only one who feels this is actually an understandable reason not to leave the M for the OW? I love him and can see how it hurts him to hurt his children like that. Why is staying for the kids such a lousy excuse? I believe him when he says he would rather be with me than his wife, but that would involve hurting his kids. I totally get why he wouldn't want to do that to his kids. So why does it seem like everyone is saying that him staying for the kids is just some line he feeds as a flimsy excuse? Call me stupid for believing what he tells me, but I do and this makes sense to me.

 

I am not going to read this whole thread simply because it has been done to death here before and i already know exactly how posters responded to you without having to actually read any of the replies. LOL

 

There are posters who are telling you that he is gaslighting you. That he is using the kids as an excuse and he will NEVER EVER NEVER leave his wife for you because he is totally in love with his wife despite the fact that he is carrying on an affair with you.

 

There are other posters who will tell you that he is possibly telling you the truth and you need to decide what to do with that truth.

 

I tend to be of the latter group.

 

My Sweetheart is also "staying for the kids" (Kid). I too understand why, and I respect his sense of duty and obligation.

 

Thing is, you have to decide what your boundaries are, and what you can accept and what you can not accept and if you are happy and content in the right now, without needing to look ahead with an ultimate goal per se.

 

Evaluate your relationship and decide if it is where you want to be. If it makes you happy, then make it work. If it leaves you wanting, then renegotiate to get what you need or leave.

 

It really doesn't matter whether or not strangers on a website believe that he is staying for his kids or not. We don't know him. You do. You are in a much better place to be able to make that determination. So make it, and then decide if that is something you can live with.

 

Good luck to you.

[jennie-jennie]

Jennie you are right everyone knows their own situation but the facts as Star has presented them are far different than yours.

 

1. He has a history of leaving for the OW - so he learned nothing the first time around

 

2. He is blaming Star for the fact that his family will be hurting so hes not willing to take responsibility for his own actions.

 

From what you have posted, I cant imagine that the man you are involved with would behave this way.

 

Everyone knows their own situatoin but sometimes people's emotions blind them to things. Big red flags here that dont exist in a lot of other stories posted.

 

And Star to answer your question it may be love but that isnt the end of the story. Love is not always a healthy love and not always a love will make you happy if he leaves.

 

I hear what you are saying, jj, still I think we need to be very careful when interpreting posters' stories. Especially when our conclusion totally contradicts their own evaluation of their partner.

 

Starbright, I suggest you step away from the computer and try to sort out what you believe. You are the one living this.