My Husband says one thing does another

[taymarie4]

My husband and I have been seperated for 6 months. We have been together for 12 years and married 3 years. We have 4 children ages 11,9,7,6. I thought that we had a great marriage. Everyone would say how we were the perfect couple. My husband loves to cook. He is truly my bestfriend. Everything was going great for us and he asked me to marry him. We got married in June 07. Most of the relationship he was a stay at home dad and I was the bread winner. In November 06 I became a stay at home mom and he went to work. He came to me in November of 2008 and told me that he was not happy and he was leaving. We had only been married for 1 1/2 years. We went to our Pastor and he told my Pastor that I did not clean and cook like he would like. My husband decided to stay and see if things would work out. So I began to change my ways and we became happy again. Then in November of 2009 he told me he was not happy again and he was leaving. He left January 29, 2010. It devastated me and the kids.

 

In March 2010 I was using my husband phone and a text message popped up. The text message eluded to there being another woman. My husband said that I was misreading the text message and there was nothing to worry about. I later found out that there was another woman. I called her and confronted her and she did not know that my husband was married. She said that they do have a friendship but they have not had sex. My husband was very upset that I had called her.

 

My husband was living in a hotel and I found out in May that he moved in with this "friend" he said he is not with. I called her again and confronted her and she talked to me in front of my husband. She again said they are not together or sleeping together. She said that she hopes that we get back together. She said that he just moved in because he had nowhere else to go. This whole time me and my husband spend every Sunday together for 6 months. We have sex, we go on dates, we spend all day together, we watch movies, we talk, we send each other love poems.

 

My husband came to me about 2 weeks ago August 14th and told me that he does not think that we will work out and that he has lied this whole time. He said that he is in a relationship with that woman and they are moving forward in the relationship. He began to cry and said that he feels so ashamed for leaving me and the kids. We then both began to cry and ended up sleeping together twice. I got very angry after I thought about everything and called her again. She again told me that she is not sleeping with my husband. She said that he is scaring her by lying to me. She said that she tells him to come back home to me because we do have kids. She said that she has male company over to the house and that is who she sleeps with. She said that when my husband comes home from work she leaves and goes to work. She says that she barely sees him.

 

My husband told me to let go and let God work things out. He told me to see how things play out and if we are meant to be together we will be together. I have two questions. Do you think that the other woman is tell the truth? What should I do about my husband and our marriage? I love my husband and I want him to come home to me and the kids.

[TaraMaiden]

What she says, doesn't matter.

What he does, matters.

he's a flake, he's unconstant, he's using you for sex (and might well be using the other woman too, who can tell?

He is NOT being a conscientious father to your children, and he is not being what anybody would describe as a good upright Christian.

 

Your happiness is not dependent on being in his life this way. You are being used and abused as a doormat, and you are letting him get away with far too much.

I know you think you love him, but please dear, this isn't love. It's dependency, it's clinginess and it's neediness.

 

What you tell him is that he either stays away, or comes home. No half-way house.

 

If he comes home, he cuts off all and every contact with that woman, and dedicates himself to you and your children. He leaves himself completely and totally open to scrutiny, and he proves to you that he wants you, only you, and you above all others.

 

if he stays away - that's it.

cut it all off, and file for divorce.

And stick to it.

Either way, he has to step up to the plate and stop prevaricating, to-ing, fro-ing see-sawing yes/no-ing and be a man for once and face up to his 5h1t.

[taymarie4]

that was good sound advice...thank you

[taymarie4]

can I get some more opinions. I really need you guys help. I am confused and I am not sure how to proceed. By me begging and pushing him further away for 6 months have I lost any chance with him? He texted me last night and said "goodnight I will try to call you tomorrow". He did not call though.

[BB07]

Has it occurred to you that this woman who you think is the other woman, might really not be? Maybe she is just a decoy your husband is using to deflect who it really is. Of course he and her both may be lying their ass off, but it's something to consider.

 

Sounds like you need to ask the mod to move your post to the infidelity section of the forum. You will probably get more help there.

[You Go Girl]

I can't for the life of me think of why this woman would lie. If she wants him, she would scream yes, he's mine now!

Or does she need to hide it because she's married too?

Anyway, maybe it doesn't even matter.

Take taramaiden's advice. Either he's in, or he's out. No more pretending he's a bachelor some days, and coming to you when he has sexual desire. After 4 children is NOT the time to play bachelor. How selfish and immature.

People know what they can get away with with spouses. He knows he can play you like a fiddle. Time to put an end to that.

[taymarie4]

I have also wondered is he lying about who it is. The OW is not married. She is 24 and my husband is 37. She does not have any children. She was about to move back home to California when my husband moved in with her. She could not pay her bills so she was going to move home. By my husband moving in he now pays all of her bills. He kept her from going to California. She still says though that she does not want my husband and that she is not with him.

[You Go Girl]

I have also wondered is he lying about who it is. The OW is not married. She is 24 and my husband is 37. She does not have any children. She was about to move back home to California when my husband moved in with her. She could not pay her bills so she was going to move home. By my husband moving in he now pays all of her bills. He kept her from going to California. She still says though that she does not want my husband and that she is not with him.

 

He's paying all the bills for a woman he's not having sex with?

Don't be naive. Men don't pay the bills of a woman they're not having sex with.

They're together.

It infuriates me that a husband and father of 4 children is paying another woman's bills. That money belongs to you and your family.

Time to tell him come home or get a lawyer.

[taymarie4]

I agree. I know that he is having an affair. My question was I was wondering why she is lying about it. He is a complete idiot for paying her bills. After child support, insurance, and taxes he barely has any money left. Then with the little money he has left he pays her bills.

[TaraMaiden]

I agree. I know that he is having an affair. My question was I was wondering why she is lying about it. He is a complete idiot for paying her bills. After child support, insurance, and taxes he barely has any money left. Then with the little money he has left he pays her bills.

 

Look, if they're cheating, lying is just another step, isn't it? She's lying to stop repercussions, and to stop you knowing that she is the one putting a crowbar between you and destroying your marriage. But liars don't need reasons, just more lies.

Really, get your act together. While he is away and spending his money, you and his four children - the five people for whom he has a legal, moral, social and ethical obligation - are sitting at home all wondering "WTF!???!!"

 

Contact a divorce solicitor or lawyer and write him a letter immediately telling him you have - HAVE - filed for divorce and sole custody of the children.

Any communication hence forth must be completely and solely through said legal representative. You will not talk to him.

Read that again - You Will NOT Talk to him!!

It's really about time someone grabbed him by the nuts and showed him what he's dealing with.

 

Heck woman - You have nothing to lose by doing this - but everything to lose if you don't get a grip. I'm sorry to say this, but your kids need you to take the reins and take control. They cannot have a half-hearted, namby-pamby mother in charge, so you have to get some tough juice and drink the lot.....

 

You can ask all the questions you like. Answering them is not the issue.

What you're going to do now - is. And hopefully, what you're going to do now is show him that if he can't make a decision to save his life - you can.

It's over.

OVER.

There's no way this is in any way reversible.

He's cut and run, so that's the way it is.

 

Contact that lawyer - TODAY!

[You Go Girl]

Your life has fallen apart and you are focusing on why some woman you don't know is lying to you.

Do you see the problem in that?

You're focusing on someone you have no control over, and wasting time thinking about her reasons.

But...your life has fallen apart!

Redirect your thinking to YOU, your children, your life. Time to take control here, it will only get worse if you let him decide how your life is going to proceed. You can't sit back and daydream about her motivations, because meanwhile, your life is being ruined.

Yep, get a lawyer. You will probably have to pay upfront, but in the settlement you will ask that he pay for all your lawyer costs, and you will more than likely win that.

Time for action!

We're here to help you through it!

[HopelessinDTW]

Your life has fallen apart and you are focusing on why some woman you don't know is lying to you.

Do you see the problem in that?

You're focusing on someone you have no control over, and wasting time thinking about her reasons.

But...your life has fallen apart!

Redirect your thinking to YOU, your children, your life. Time to take control here, it will only get worse if you let him decide how your life is going to proceed. You can't sit back and daydream about her motivations, because meanwhile, your life is being ruined.

Yep, get a lawyer. You will probably have to pay upfront, but in the settlement you will ask that he pay for all your lawyer costs, and you will more than likely win that.

Time for action!

We're here to help you through it!

 

YGG: How are you so certain that she can recover the legal costs?? Especially if it's no fault. My wife started having an affair before she filed...does that mean I can recover my legal fees? how does that work?

[You Go Girl]

YGG: How are you so certain that she can recover the legal costs?? Especially if it's no fault. My wife started having an affair before she filed...does that mean I can recover my legal fees? how does that work?

 

I don't think it is related to the affair, as much as it is related to who is the primary breadwinner. SAHM's, for example, are often rewarded their legal paid by the H. Now if she were to have an affair, the court would take this into consideration and not have him pay her legal fees.

I am no lawyer, but I know this to be standard with SAHM's who are innocent of adultery.

She didn't say she was a SAHM, so it may not apply.

You probably have a job, so it wouldn't apply in your case, but you could always ask your lawyer to be sure.

[elow_IN _LOve]

I agree. I know that he is having an affair. My question was I was wondering why she is lying about it. He is a complete idiot for paying her bills. After child support, insurance, and taxes he barely has any money left. Then with the little money he has left he pays her bills.

 

I say, say goodbye, they both feel very gulty, but it dosent change anything.

 

Alway go with your GUT feeling...you feel hes lying then he is.

[hopesndreams]

I am confused and I am not sure how to proceed.

 

Proceed in your life as if he were dead. That's pretty much what he essentially is now.

 

Then with the little money he has left he pays her bills.

 

Tsk, tsk, and you want him back, because?????

 

Find your inner strength. Your children are counting on it.

 

There is life without him. A wonderful life!!!!

 

He's a turd.

[taymarie4]

I am confused and I am not sure how to proceed.

 

Proceed in your life as if he were dead. That's pretty much what he essentially is now.

 

Then with the little money he has left he pays her bills.

 

Tsk, tsk, and you want him back, because?????

 

Find your inner strength. Your children are counting on it.

 

There is life without him. A wonderful life!!!!

 

He's a turd.

 

I know that I have the inner strength but it is so hard. I have been praying constantly but I know that I can only change myself and I am going to let God take care of my husband. I am going to let my husband go and move on with my life. I am praying that God will restore my marriage.

[hopesndreams]

I know that I have the inner strength but it is so hard. I have been praying constantly but I know that I can only change myself and I am going to let God take care of my husband. I am going to let my husband go and move on with my life. I am praying that God will restore my marriage.

 

God only wants what's best for you. What you want, isn't what God wants for you. God hates adultery. It's His green light to end the marriage.

 

It took me awhile to understand that, but once I did, recovery was easier.

[Dad_of_2_great_boys]

He's paying all the bills for a woman he's not having sex with?

Don't be naive. Men don't pay the bills of a woman they're not having sex with.

They're together.

 

 

Sorry to thread jack.....

 

I am paying the bills while not having sex.

But I am doing everything in my power to make that stop.

 

and now back to the OP:

taymarie4

I am wrestling with my own demons and failed marriage. Of concern, was the way the (Catholic) church would look at my filing for divorce. My priest stated that given my situation ( wife's adultery) my marriage was a farce in God's eyes and I am not or should not be expected to stay even if their are children involved. I have an obligation to make a stand for the children on what is morally right.

 

Please find the courage to do what is right. Protect your children. Pursue your happiness.

[taymarie4]

Sorry to thread jack.....

 

I am paying the bills while not having sex.

But I am doing everything in my power to make that stop.

 

and now back to the OP:

taymarie4

I am wrestling with my own demons and failed marriage. Of concern, was the way the (Catholic) church would look at my filing for divorce. My priest stated that given my situation ( wife's adultery) my marriage was a farce in God's eyes and I am not or should not be expected to stay even if their are children involved. I have an obligation to make a stand for the children on what is morally right.

 

Please find the courage to do what is right. Protect your children. Pursue your happiness.

 

That is what I hate as well the thought of having a failed marriage. I was with him for 9 years before we got married and everything was fine. A year after we got married he started to change. What I am going to do is most certainly find that courage to pursue my happiness. I am going to make a 5 year plan for what I want for me and my children and pursue that.

[Dad_of_2_great_boys]

What I am going to do is most certainly find that courage to pursue my happiness. I am going to make a 5 year plan for what I want for me and my children and pursue that.

 

Good for you! This is the right attitude. You have the support of many in spirit. Don't be afraid to turn to that spirit/support when things seem bleak or emotional swings set in. Stay strong but know when you are being weak.

[Iconoclast]

The pack leader has left. There is only one who can lead the pack now. The pack must be protected from intruders. He is now an intruder. Protect the pack.

 

Just internalizing the above will empower you. You'll feel it.

 

TaraMaiden nails it. Just do what she says. It's your shortest path from misery. Sorry you have to be here. Good luck.

[2sunny]

I agree. I know that he is having an affair. My question was I was wondering why she is lying about it. He is a complete idiot for paying her bills. After child support, insurance, and taxes he barely has any money left. Then with the little money he has left he pays her bills.

 

how do you get child support if you aren't yet divorced from your husband. this seems out of order. are you still married or divorced?

 

also - a man doesn't pay a woman's bills unless she's sleeping with him.

 

she's lying just like he was - in order to have less chaos and repercussions for their bad behavior.

 

either way he's not a good father - tell him to stay with her and pay you more money.

 

and stop having sex with him - why are you rewarding his bad behavior with giving him sex all the time. where are his consequences. he has no reason to change a thing - both women are giving him the best of both worlds.

 

i hope either/and/or him and his OW is using birth control...

[tornandmarried]

The pack leader has left. There is only one who can lead the pack now. The pack must be protected from intruders. He is now an intruder. Protect the pack.

 

 

well said......lying and cheating you is lying and cheating his children as well....dont pray to save your marriage, pray to save yourself and your kids from your dishonest husband...he has the devil in him right now....one day when its all said and done, he will realize what he lost and itll make him a better man, hopefully

[taymarie4]

how do you get child support if you aren't yet divorced from your husband. this seems out of order. are you still married or divorced?

 

also - a man doesn't pay a woman's bills unless she's sleeping with him.

 

she's lying just like he was - in order to have less chaos and repercussions for their bad behavior.

 

either way he's not a good father - tell him to stay with her and pay you more money.

 

and stop having sex with him - why are you rewarding his bad behavior with giving him sex all the time. where are his consequences. he has no reason to change a thing - both women are giving him the best of both worlds.

 

i hope either/and/or him and his OW is using birth control...

 

Yes we are still married. When he told me in November that he was leaving I asked him how was I supposed to support myself. I am a SAHM which I have been for about 2 years. He told me to go to the child support office and file for child support being funny. So the next day I told them my situation that my husband was leaving. I told them that he said to file for child support. So they got all of the paperwork together and I told them when he left on January 29th. I got my first child support check sometime in March and I continue to get them. They take it directly out of his paycheck.

 

I asked my husband was the OW on birth control. The answer is NO. I don't know if he is trying to get her pregnant or what. If you are having sex without birth control or protection though you must be trying to have a baby. I told her why would you want a baby by him and he can't afford the 4 he has. She just continued to deny sleeping with my husband. I am at the point that I don't care because what is going to be will be. I am making myself sick worrying about it. I am letting him go and see what happens. I have to live for me and my kids.

[taymarie4]

I have a question? My husband has not seen the kids for 2 weeks. This week alone my 7 year old son has cried himself to sleep twice. After family prayer my 6 year daughter waits until the other kids are sleep. Then she comes and says "Mommy can we pray again for daddy". Then just me and her say a prayer for my husband. My husband called today and said "I am coming by to see the kids. I don't have time to stay so I am going to run in and give them a hug and leave". I told him I would call him when I get home from church. I feel like my kids seeing him for 2 minutes and then he leaves again for God knows how long will harm them. I want to tell him that when he has time to really spend with the kids then come over. When he does that I will be leaving so I won't have to be around him. The kicker is my husband lives like 3 minutes away from us. He lives so close that he can walk to my house if he wants to. He does not even call and talk to the kids or ask how they are doing. What are your thoughts on this?