Is there anyone out there and where do I look?

[Jen]

I know the subject of this message sounds very defeatist, but I really do wonder if there is anyone out there. By the sound of some of these messages I suppose there are, but apart from the odd one night stand I have not got a man interested in me for years. I got out of a real bad relationship five years ago, and since then I have not been asked out once. There are a few around who are happy to sleep with me, but never anyone who wants to form a fulfilling relationship. I work in a big company but never get asked out there, and as most of them are now younger than me (I'm 38) I dont suppose that that situation will improve.

 

People say I'm attractive. I have some weight to lose, and I'm no spring chicken anymore at 38 but I'm still up for it; I love to dance and have a lot of love and life to give. But I can't shake the feeling that unless I'm 22 and 120lbs I will never find a man again. I have a great job, am financially secure and have some good friends. However, while I know just how lucky I am to have all those things, I feel very alone with no-one special to share with. I need to reach out and touch someone!

 

I expect that for some of the last five years I had 'unavailable' on my forehead, but I feel it went a while ago. Friends give me all the usual conflicting messages like 'dont try and he will come along', 'you're not trying hard enough' etc. It gets so confusing. What should I do. I've forgotten the rules of the dating game!

 

I only have a small circle of friends, all of whom won't be around next year, so now I feel the double the usual loneliness. Can anyone offer advice on how to meet some new friends and perhaps find the man I've been looking for?

[Tony T]

I know this may sound a little hokey, perhaps a bit metaphysical, even somewhat Freudian, but we create our own reality based on our thoughts. For those who are familiar with the Bible, even that ancient Book says "As A Man Thinketh, So Shall It Be."

 

The point is that if you keep telling your subconscious mind that all the good men are taken, that you wonder if there are any good men around out there, that you are too old to find a relationship, that men simply aren't interested in going out with you, etc., then that is the reality that you will create for your yourself and your life. This is the same concept that keeps so many people stuck in life situations such as poverty, joblessness, etc.

 

In this age of instant electronics, there is absolutely NO REASON why any person at any age can't find the absolute perfect person for themselves if they first...BELIEVE that they will find that person, and second...WORK a bit at it.

 

Start not only truly believing but knowing that the perfect man for you is on his way into your life and believe it with all your heart. At 38, you are not over the hill by any stretch...but your mind is whether you realize it or not. Thats why you have to change your thinking.

 

The best way to meet people is through friends, through church activities, through group activities, by attending workshops and seminars on subjects you enjoy, through volunteer work, etc. Meeting people at work is OK, but just because you work with them does not ensure common interests or compatibility and often sets you up for problems should the relationship not pan out. But, if someone from work does notice a change in the vibrations you are going to be putting out and does ask you out, by all means take advantage of the situation if there is an attraction.

 

You need to work just a bit to erase the "unavailable" on your forehead. Make sure that if there is any bitterness, self esteem issues, or other emotional baggage left from your previous relationship, it is released into the atmosphere for all time.

 

Many people have successfully married people they worked with but many other dating situations at work have turned into nightmares. Just be careful.

 

The easiest and most ideal way to sort out potential mates is through one of the many Internet dating services. Through www.netscape.com, a free service, you can see photos of men in your area, in the age group you select, who have interests and beliefs similar to your own. Then send them an Email and let them do the rest. Just use good sense when you first meet them by getting together in a public place before giving out too much personal data. A great matching service is www.match.com You get the first ten days free...that should give you plenty of time to meet the man of your dreams (if not, it really doesn't cost much)

 

There are many other online services that are great on America Online (Keyword: photo personals), Compuserve, etc. Almost all of the major search engines have matching service components. And you can always go to any search engine and just enter the word "dating" for sites in your area and around the world that will assist you in finding men who are looking for a gal just like YOU.

 

You are in a much better position at age 38 to find the perfect person for you. Your maturity will enable you to look beyond the hormones and select someone who is stable and can be a perfect companion for you.

 

Your own worst enemy in this quest is you. Once you get a good positive attitude about yourself and about how certain you are of finding Mr. Right and how willing you are to do what it takes, Mr. Right will appear before you...but not until.

 

I'd be willing to bet you'd find someone special if you join a spa, group, or weight loss program to shed those extra pounds you say you'd like to lose. You could lose the weight and meet you a nice honey...all in one grand slam.

 

As for your comment about the posts in this forum, most of them do involve problems to some extent or other. First, it's great that many people are seeking help to make their relationships better or to seek out more healthy ones. Second, not every relationship is meant to be. If you use good sense, have positive self esteem, and insist on being treated with consideration and respect in a relationship...that is what will happen. You also have to be ready and willing to hit the road if those things don't happen, knowing fully in your heart that the experience moves you even closer to THE REAL THING.

 

I hope there are others here at the forum who can guide you in some positive directions. And don't be shy about posting your question in a couple of weeks and seeing what other people have to say.

 

So the ball is in your court now. If you truly want it to happen, it will.

[Guy]

Nice available guys are all around you,right in front of you all the time.It's up to you to see them sometimes,especially for the shy ones(like myself). You know what you should do? Smile more often.Laugh more often.Relax and try to bring out the best in all around you. A lot of the girls I fell for (and who got to break my heart good later) didn't make impress me as "beautiful" at first. You know what they had? Personality! They would make me laugh and smile.I'm really shy,so I have hard time making the first move,but these girls were just friendly and open and nice.Next thing you know,despite my best efforts,I found myself liking them and being attracted to them. It sometimes took a while,for me to get to know them,but in the end,everyone likes a cheerful person.

 

It also helps to look for men in "Guy" type of situations.Do the sort of things that us idiot men do.Stuff like watching sports is pretty good.Next time the NHL playoffs or the Superbowl starts,try to watch it with some of your guy friends.Chances are your guy friends ALWAYS invite their friends to watch this stuff too,and a heck of a lot of these guys are single. Nothing melts a guy's heart like a woman watching overtime in the playoffs,while feeding you nachos!

 

I encourage you to be more open and friendly,to everyone! Guys notice these things a lot more than you think.They are sometimes watching you and checking you out when they think you are unaware of it. So being friendly to a lot of people can often make a good impression on the guys all around you.

 

Nevertheless,I also encourage you too be picky who you go out with. Don't bother with jerks,they'll only keep the nice guys away.Forget about the ones who want you for sex too,they are a waste of time. Try to maintain a positive outlook(even when having a crappy day!) and try to be ready to chat with all sorts of people.Try to meet new people if you can.And for gosh sakes,SMILE!!!!

[LT]

First of all...get rid of the desperation! Your current and future happiness will never depend on finding the perfect man. You just think it does. Take one day at a time and learn to make yourself happy, starting in small ways. If it makes you happy to lose some weight then do so, but do NOT do it to catch a guy. The biggest problem of a lot of women is unlearning society's "training" that the perfect man will bring us happiness. It dooms every single relationship entered into on that false pretense.

 

This is up there with winning the lottery. Unhappy people think that winning oodles of money will make them happy. Imagine the depression and confusion when it doesn't. Give a happy person a winning lottery ticket and you'll see the grace of god at work both in how that money is spent and how much happiness is spread by it.

 

No one can make you happy except you. When it comes right down to it...THAT is your job and it's why YOU are here. If you can do that then you will find the prospect of being alone the rest of your life a quite undaunting possibility. And then...guess what? Someone who also knows how to make themselves happy will most likely come into your life and...that's the only lasting happily ever after we got a shot at.

 

LT

 

I know the subject of this message sounds very defeatist, but I really do wonder if there is anyone out there. By the sound of some of these messages I suppose there are, but apart from the odd one night stand I have not got a man interested in me for years. I got out of a real bad relationship five years ago, and since then I have not been asked out once. There are a few around who are happy to sleep with me, but never anyone who wants to form a fulfilling relationship. I work in a big company but never get asked out there, and as most of them are now younger than me (I'm 38) I dont suppose that that situation will improve.

 

People say I'm attractive. I have some weight to lose, and I'm no spring chicken anymore at 38 but I'm still up for it; I love to dance and have a lot of love and life to give. But I can't shake the feeling that unless I'm 22 and 120lbs I will never find a man again. I have a great job, am financially secure and have some good friends. However, while I know just how lucky I am to have all those things, I feel very alone with no-one special to share with. I need to reach out and touch someone! I expect that for some of the last five years I had 'unavailable' on my forehead, but I feel it went a while ago. Friends give me all the usual conflicting messages like 'dont try and he will come along', 'you're not trying hard enough' etc. It gets so confusing. What should I do. I've forgotten the rules of the dating game! I only have a small circle of friends, all of whom won't be around next year, so now I feel the double the usual loneliness. Can anyone offer advice on how to meet some new friends and perhaps find the man I've been looking for?

[Jen]

Thanks for your kind words of comfort ; they meant a lot. Next year go travelling for six months to Peru amd Mexico and I'm hpoing to get back some of my self-confidence. Thank you again, and its nice to know I can come here to talk to well-maining people like you. I'll keep reading this site and maybe I can offer some advice to others too.