My trust is broken... The two people closest to me both are addicted to porn.

[BrokenWings]

[color=indigo]Please read this with an open mind. This is an extremely sensitive subject for me (don't ask why I'm posting my biggest emotional wound on the internet, I'm masochistic like that I guess)... People tend to blow me off and dismiss me as juvenile simply based on my age... but I really do need to get some outside opinions on this. I feel so lost.

 

This is going to be extremely long, forgive the length... I'm in the thick of things right now, so I expect the whole story will just come spewing out, even if I try to give you the condensed version... I haven't been able to open up and tell my story to anyone... *Deep breath* Sorry... Here goes...

 

 

I'm a 17 year old female, and I've been living full time with my dad since my parents divorced when I was 6. I'm one of those rare teenagers who actually likes her parents -- my dad was my confidante for almost everything. He was as much of a best friend as a parent could be. Things weren't always the greatest with Mom, but Dad was always there when things got tough.

 

As usual, I was having an all-girl, end-of-the-school-year party/sleepover on the evening of the last day of school last June. Things went wonderfully -- everyone had a blast. It wasn't a big party, and my closest friends were there -- about 7 or 8 people, the "inner circle" so to speak. A couple days after the party, I had the house to myself. I was up making breakfast, and decided I wanted to celebrate my first official day of summer by watching a movie. I went into my Dad's room to look for the movies, and I put a tape into the player... nothing could have prepared me for what I saw.

 

I watched the screen... staring blankly... it was my bathroom mirror. My friend Erica walked in, and proceeded to take off her clothes to change into her bathing suit to take a swim in my pool. My dad had set up a hidden camera in the bathroom and filmed everyone -- myself included -- changing, showering, everything... There were, I believe, 6 tapes. My dad had taped the entire party... and the day before and the day after. Through the night. Everything. My world fell apart. And my mother had just moved to Virginia a month before -- 3000+ miles away from me. Long story short... I ended up being picked up by a "family friend" who proceeded to lie to me by saying she was running errands, when really she was taking the tapes to the cops, against my and my mother's wishes. That same day, the cops made me identify every single girl on the tapes... they called all of their families... they arrested my father... In a matter of weeks, I was forced to uproot and move out of the town I grew up in, accross the country to Virginia with my mom... I haven't seen my father since. There was a long wait before it went to trial... he was sentenced to 6 months in jail. I have been totally alienated from my friends. Remember -- all my close girlfriends, everyone I trusted, were involved in this situation. There was no one I could go to who wouldn't have their own take on it. No one to listen to my side. (That explains the horrendous length of this post.)

 

I finally was able to come home for a visit this month. I will be seeing my dad for the first time since June. Up until this I've never been away from him for more than a few days.

 

Through all of this, I had a wonderful boyfriend. Loyal, loving, caring... we survived the distance, the turmoil... He even helped Mom and I move across the country. He came and stayed with me in Virginia for the holidays (my mom works on every holiday and rarely gets a day off), and supported me through everything... though he didn't know what to do with all my intense emotions. We have a very deep, real love for each other, and we were taking steps and plans to spend our lives together. I felt so safe with him, knowing that he would never do what my Dad did. But, without going into lots of detail, I'll say this: our relationship changed pretty drastically. Where things used to be equal, the focus always seemed to shift to him. When we would be sexual, my needs were left unattended, but he didn't want me to use my "toy" because he felt threatened by it. I felt like he would never open up to me. However, in spite of all this, he's not malicious in any way -- we don't know why things got the way they did. He has very little willpower and it definitely took its toll.

 

Things got a lot worse when I came home with him to visit. I met one of his close friends for the first time. His friend made sexist, misogynistic comments towards me within minutes of meeting ("You have a vagina so you can keep [your boyfriend] longer", for example)... but since the things he said were supposedly supposed to be funny, my boyfriend did nothing and said nothing in my defense. This was on our last night together, knowing that we wouldnt see each other for a month. (We paused the movie we were cuddled up watching to go hang out with this guy... we originally were just going to say hi and resume the film, but then he wanted to hang out so we went to his friend's place for what was going to be a half an hour... which turned into an hour... which turned into an hour and a half... meanwhile I'm telling him that I need to go home and go to sleep because we have to get up in the morning...) This was the first time his promises of "I would do anything for you; I would never let anyone disrespect you" was put to the test. I won't go into detail about the rest of the night... but...

 

The experience with his friend was very disheartening and I felt very unloved and taken for granted. He knew he screwed up badly, but didn't know what to do -- once again, not being malicious, he is just horrible at standing up for the things he believes in. So we were working with it... we had been having problems before hand (very personal problems), so things were a little more difficult... but we made due. Valentine's Day came... he sent me chocolates and wrote me wonderful letters... but I was still bothered about things that have been going on. I felt something was wrong.

 

Last night, we were talking... I don't know why, but I had a gut feeling that I needed to ask him if he was looking at porn. His answer -- he had downloaded skin flicks a couple days earlier (Valentine's Day).

 

So here I am... getting ready to see my Dad, who is in jail for setting up a camera in the bathroom... finding out that my boyfriend -- the only male I have trusted since this thing with Dad -- is going behind my back to look at pornography... the exact thing that tore my family and life to shreds. And he knew everything that had happened to me already.

 

I had to break up with him. That was the last thing I could take. I was already feeling very, very, very insecure about my body and my sexuality from things that he has said or done (unintentionally) in the past... but regardless... It felt just like finding the tapes again. My world came crashing down all over again. My past was tainted by my father... and now my future was heading down the same path...

 

I'm not sure what advice I'm asking for in posting this... I just need someone to give me an outside perspective. I know I sound like a sissy by saying this but, please be compassionate and thoughtful in responding. This is a very serious issue for me. (I will be going to see a counselor the day after tomorrow; I know I need professional help.)

 

Between my Dad, my boyfriend, the abandonment by my friends... I feel like I can't trust anyone. The two men in my life are addicted to porn and sex... and I'm left feeling that somehow that reflects on my worth as a person... as a daughter... as a girlfriend. I honestly don't know how to pick myself up from this one. I feel unlovable... I loathe my sexuality, my body, myself... I feel toxic... Like I can't stand to be in my own skin...

 

I have so much love for my dad and my boyfriend... more than I could ever begin to explain. They are two of the three most important people in my life. I believe in forgiveness, and I take pride in my ability to forgive... but where is the line of being too forgiving? Am I being out of line, acting the way I am? How do you think I should handle the situation with my ex-boyfriend? (I don't want to just throw away everything...) Am I being to harsh over his lack of willpower and his disrespecting of me and my sexuality? How would you act? I'm doing my best to do the right thing for the good of everyone, but my life has landed me flat on my ass... am I wrong to resent these men for knowingly acting out on these impulses -- when they know that it would be beyond painful for me to find out about it? I want to be there for my ex so he can face his addiction, but I'm so angry... does anyone have any idea how I can be supportive but keep my distance?

 

Thanks in advance for any and all honest, kind words.

 

I apologize for the length and slightly melodramatic tone of this post... I don't mean to come across that way.[/color]

[dyermaker]

Glorify them as you may, the two men who you describe have mistreated you terribly.

Blame it on porn as you may, I believe that pornography is not the cause of their mistreatment.

 

I know you love your father, but he's a criminal, and he betrayed you. That's not normal porn use, that's sexual exploitation. Your boyfriend is just doing what teenage boys do, but with the amount of trauma you've experienced, I don't blame you for not accepting that. The bottom line is, you should never have to accept something you're not capable of handling. You can't handle a guy who looks at porn, because of the trauma associated with your father's crimes. Many people don't agree with me, but some people are capable of looking at porn without having an actual sexual addiction or compulsion--for them, it's perfectly healthy and they don't need to 'face their addiction'

 

Your feelings are not wrong, they're understandable. I apologize on behalf of all men that you've been mistreated. But your boyfriend didn't do anything wrong either, unlike most men, he didn't even lie to you about it. He shouldn't have to apologize for touching himself to porn, and while most women find this as evidence of their inadequacy, I wish you could see that it's not. Being a teenage boy nowadays pretty much means porn, there are very few who don't indulge in it.

 

I don't think your ex is right for you. Don't feel like you need to confront his addiction, if you want to call it that, because you don't have that responsibility. The decision to look at porn is a personal one, not a decision that partners make. It may be hard for you to imagine that all people who look at porn aren't dirty old men, but that's the case. Don't pursue a relationship with your ex. Best of luck with counseling, and I'm sorry that you are hurt.

[BrokenWings]

I don't think your ex is right for you.... Don't pursue a relationship with your ex.

 

[color=indigo]I know that my post makes it sound like he never did anything for me... I feel that I may have portrayed him in the wrong light. I only highlighted the things that have hurt me... I really do feel very strongly that we should be together... he just has a lot of work to do.

 

Thanks for the reply. [/color]

[dyermaker]

Originally posted by BrokenWings

[color=indigo]I know that my post makes it sound like he never did anything for me... I feel that I may have portrayed him in the wrong light. I only highlighted the things that have hurt me... I really do feel very strongly that we should be together... he just has a lot of work to do.

 

Thanks for the reply. [/color]

 

The thing I was trying to say is that I don't think it's a matter of fixing things that are wrong with him. Porn is wrong for you, but it's not immediately a detriment to him. In general, I would say this is an issue in which people could come to terms together. With you, I don't think that's the case. I'd hate for him to say he was giving up porn for you, only for you to find out later that he really hasn't.

 

You have an attachment to him, but if your disgust for porn overcomes the attachment it's best to sever it while you're still empowered by your standards, rather than later, when you're resigned to your pain.

 

You're in my prayers tonight, and longer if you still need it.

[mfrmboy]

I second what dyer said.

It is horrible what your father did!

I feel you!

I know it's hard but you will work

through this.

The counseling is a great idea.

 

I dont think that just because your

boyfriend downloaded some porn that

it could be considered an addiction.

He's a male with raging hormones.

It's completely normal.

Him not lying to you says alot for him.

Not standing up for you says something else.

Like he's probably not right for you.

Be strong and hang in there.

[BrokenWings]

Originally posted by mfrmboy

I dont think that just because your

boyfriend downloaded some porn that

it could be considered an addiction.

 

[color=indigo]It's been a problem in the past, before I came along and also for a while while we've been together. He himself considers it an addiction.[/color]

 

He's a male with raging hormones.

It's completely normal.

 

[color=indigo]I have no problem with the raging hormones. Hell, I have em too! What I have a problem with is that by using porn, he brings other people into what I consider a place that should feel sacred, pure, and loving. When porn is involved, it feels dirty and fake. He doesn't really enjoy it -- it's an addiction. I'm starting to realize that my view of porn is different from most... I don't think it's acceptable, because it's not a true expression of sexuality. It's plastic people faking orgasm, and I don't want that stuff anywhere near my relationships. The funny thing is -- my ex agrees that it's unhealthy and a horribly bad habit. Kinda ironic. But a good sign.[/color]

 

Him not lying to you says alot for him.

Not standing up for you says something else.

 

[color=indigo]Yeah, he's something of a mixed bag, don't you think? I'm still going to do my best to stick with him. Honesty is a rare trait. And I don't give up easily. But... if he screws it up again, I'm gone. He knows that. And I refuse to be anything more than a friend to him until he proves that he deserves me... that will be a long, long trial. [/color]

[spencer]

Brokenwings,

I am so sorry for everything you are going through.

Naturally, you viewing yourself & girlfriends on a video is going to change the way you view sexual images in porn.

If i were in your situation, and i would see or hear of porn, it would automatically remind me of being on that video.

Porn and sexual image are a "trigger" for you, a reminder of what just happened that is a huge tramatic experience.

You are hyper-sensitive to this, understandable so, anyone would be.

You have anger,guilt, & shame issues to overcome, that won't be easy.

 

as far as your bf is concerned, he is doing normal porn stuff, dad is doing abnormal porn stuff. You want to control bf because you couldn't dad.

focus on yourself, the bf, as wonderful as he is, needs to understand, that what he is doing is not harmful, like it was with your dad, but you have problems because of your experience.

if he is unwilling to give up the porn for you, then i think you should just try to be friends.

This case he is the wrong bf choice for you.

take care of yourself

[jester]

I wouldn't be surprised if your suffering post-traumatic stress from your discovery of your father's betrayal. A parent's betrayal is a million times worse than a lover's.

 

You're an open wound right now, and your men, their porn and their disrespect are the knife.

 

Counseling, your youth and time will help you to heal. Meanwhile, you must make it absolutely clear that, because of the trauma you suffered at 17, you will not tolerate, accept or ignore any boyfriend's porn consumption. If the guy agrees, and appears sincere and credible, carry on. If he does not agree, or appears insincere, end it. Because of your trauma, porn consumption by those emotionally close to you is very, very hazardous to your health. That may not be the case 5, 10 or 15 years down the road, but it's a fact, now.

 

Protect yourself, always. Settle for nothing less.

[moimeme]

It sounds as though your bf has been willing to do a great deal for you in the past. He didn't stand up for you, but he has been there for you in your time of need and has been good to you in other ways.

 

It's been a problem in the past, before I came along and also for a while while we've been together. He himself considers it an addiction

 

Your bf admits to an 'addiction' to porn. He can get help for this, if he chooses. Addictions are powerful because they actually change brain chemistry. If he is truly an 'addict' it will be difficult for him to give it up, but perhaps you will be able to understand that he's not 'choosing' the behaviour any more than smokers or drug addicts 'choose' their habits. Yes, they did make the initial choice to indulge, but once the neurotransmitters get involved, the situation becomes that much more complex. If he agrees to go for help with his addiction, you'd still need to understand that, as for any other addiction, he might backslide sometimes and he might fail at a few attempts to shed the addiction before he succeeds.

 

It doesn't help that you've experienced a trauma related to porn but if you love your bf a great deal and are able to understand that his use of porn is not the same as your dad's violation of you and your friends, I think you still might be able to make a go of it.

[Arabess]

You got some great advice and support on this thread from most of my favorite LS posters.

 

I don't know if I put your boyfriend checking out porn and what your Dad did as being the same thing. There may come a time when you separate the two in a different context. At this time though, they are the same in your mind and heart. Due to that, I can understand you not wanting your boyfriend to indulge in porn.

 

Maybe there is still a fear in your heart due to what your Dad did and you are afraid your boyfriend may take a similar path and indulge in something which will ultimately hurt you or embarrass you. Try not to judge him by what happened in the past.

 

I also wanted to say that I admire you for still loving your Dad and being willing to visit him. Just because someone makes a mistake does not mean they are a monster. He made a terrible judgement call and hurt a lot of people....especially you. Repairing your relationship with him will be the largest factor in your healing process.

 

I'm sorry you had to go thru all of this. What a traumatic experience!

[mang0tang0]

Me and my bf just got into fight tonight about porn. Well actually we didn't do much talking, I ended up leaving. But I think we should talk sometime about this, cuz I don't have anyone to talk to around here, I just have to kind of keep it all inside and it'd be nice to have someone to relate to.

[Starnette83]

I think porn is an addiction and even though our boyfriends want to make it seem as normal or not a big deal, it is a big deal because we are there girlfriends, the ones who they have sex with and they should respect our feelings about porn, its disgusting! soemtimes i thinkt hat when my bf is having sex with me he is getting the images he saw in porn, and that just kills it!!!'

Porn is an addiction and whoever sais its not, is a liar.

[msrealdoll]

It sounds like you really want to keep your boyfriend in your life. Please try not to do it at the expense of your own morals. You believe porn is wrong-your relationship will not work if he continues to use it.

 

Don't allow yourself to believe him (or anyone addicted to anything) when he tells you he won't do it again. Most times, addicts need professional help to overcome their addiction. Would he be willing to go to counselling? That would be his best bet right now.

 

For the time being, concentrate on yourself if possible. Try to find a counsellor that you trust and feel comfortable with. A female is probably your best choice. Try to learn to depend on her for emotional support. Just try to let other people ride for now.

 

Unfortunately, your world is upside down right now. The trauma you've suffered may be clouding your judgment. The incident with your father has had an impact on every relationship you have. Until you sort through your feelings about it, don't force yourself into making any decisions about anyone or anything. You really need to take some time to heal. You may feel very different in a couple of months.

 

You sound like a very intelligent, thoughtful person. You will get through this, and be a stronger person for it. I know it doesn't seem like it now, but you'll be happy one day. Just have faith in yourself, work with your therapist, and take everything slow.

 

I am so sorry this happened to you. Big hugs to you, and good luck.

[Aquagenie]

Porn is a huge problem!!!! What I want to know is what was your father planning on doing with those video tapes? Until everyone realizes porn IS a major problem - men are going to keep destroying their families.

 

Your father is a pervert and totally screwed up your life because of his selfish sexual needs of wanting to look at young girls (YOUR FRIENDS). I'm glad he got caught.

 

Your boyfriend is being disrespectful to you by looking at porn especially since you're so sensitive to so much.

 

Gosh, what can I say to make you feel better - just give yourself time to get thru this and maybe take a break from that boyfriend of yours. If he can't be of help - get rid of him. You need support and people you can trust.

 

Are there any men left in this world who aren't perverts?