Micro-arguments and a few questions

[Unistudent]

Hi,

I was just wondering how you guys deal with petty micro arguments in a LDR. I'm talking about the ones that are solely build up from the frustrations that come with being so far apart. Usually they are over something silly like a misinterpretation of what one person said to the other over MSN.

Are these normal?

 

How do you guys deal with the stress of being apart?

 

Does anyone else not enjoy watching romantic movies or seeing couples on the street?

 

In my LDR everything was perfect until we actually met each other for the first time. We were together for around 2 weeks and then she had to go back home. When we first met up it was like we had known each other forever... we just clicked. The time together was insanely great (as I am sure all of your times were as well).

About a week or two after she got back I found that our moods had significantly dropped... and we started getting more frustrated about not being together and really taking it out on one another with these micro arguments.

 

She doesn't have many people where she is now. Not many friends around anymore and a stressful living environment. I have a few friends around where I am but have always opted to talk to her more than go out with them. Is this destructive to the relationship? I kind of think that having something to distract us inbetween the times that we are together is a key aspect to a LDR... as well as activities that can be done online together to almost paint the allusion of being together (online boardgame...etc..).

 

Things are extremely rocky right now. I've told her to concentrate on her life there because shes becoming extremely unhappy in the relationship (which I am assuming is because of the pain from not being together). She says she still loves me as much as she did when we started this thing... but that recently she just isn't happy when we talk.

 

Ive had more experience with long term relationships and dealing with a lot of crap from one of my ex's... so I am thinking that that has almost prepared me somewhat more than her for a LDR.

 

Comments and suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

 

Just to add she is also a really emotional person. When it comes to arguments for example... take the average persons hate for arguments... toss some gasoline on it and then light it on fire... that's how much she hates them.... and even the small ones affect her that much.

 

Thank you

Edited August 26, 2010 by Unistudent
bad grammar

[Citizen Erased]

The arguments are natural. It's a frustrating situation and emotions are high. My fiance and I have arguments, we aren't always going to agree and we will do certain things that annoy or irritate the other. At the end of the day, it's far more important for me to see a smile on his face than to win a silly argument about what he really meant when he typed that, or when he didn't do this or didn't like that.

 

He actually said it to me today, right after I tired of what we were arguing about, that it's natural. And it really is. The difference is that IRL you can smile and kiss and hug and you know it's done. In an LDR, it's just words.

 

FTR, my SO is like you, he deals with it better than me. He's older, has a bit more experience...it actually is a stabilising factor in our relationship. If we were both like me, it'd be a mess.

 

You both definitely need to focus a little more on your lives away from the relationship. That's the same for any relationship though, it's important you don't tie yourselves up in each other as it becomes boring. LDR's are intense and it seems they suck the fun out of some relationships. Go out, let off some steam with your friends and come home and laugh and enjoy talking with your girl cos you missed each other. Just make the time for each other. :

[NYCmitch25]

There is a saying "If you can't change the person, change the person" , get it ?

 

All you can convincingly do is work on yourself, reflect upon what makes you want to honor this petty stuff, if you don't honor the petty stuff and you largely think it's her, well then apply my first sentence .. Also, "loves you", who cares what she says, look at her actions, not her words. Anyway Good luck.

[lala82]

I lived the same experience with my ex bf. I was not happy, because he is 13.000 kms away.

 

She is facing a difficult situation now. She is not happy with her environment, she does not have enough friends and you are away.

 

I think that you should speak with her and explain that you understand her situation and that she is very important for you. Explain that her negative attittud is affecting the relationship. I am sure she will understand you as well.

[Romance]

We get into arguments over the relationship very often, over little things. More and more the less we see each other.

 

I dont think she should expect you to stay in and talk to her on the phone or do online activities. I'd never ask my boyfriend to do that, he has a lot of friends and I mean, I'd rather him go out and enjoy himself, even when i'm sitting at home alone on a saturday night, since all my friends are out on dates.

[Els]

Hi,

I was just wondering how you guys deal with petty micro arguments in a LDR. I'm talking about the ones that are solely build up from the frustrations that come with being so far apart. Usually they are over something silly like a misinterpretation of what one person said to the other over MSN.

Are these normal?

 

If your arguments mainly stem from misinterpretations of MSN messages, try to use voice chat as much as possible. Quite simple.

 

Does anyone else not enjoy watching romantic movies or seeing couples on the street?

 

I positively avoided it when I was in an LDR.

 

 

As for the rest of your post, I honestly think small arguments are perfectly normal in all LTR, be they LD or non-LD.

[aerogurl87]

I need to talk to my boyfriend constantly or I'm not happy. I don't know how your girlfriend is, but that's how I feel. And she's probably really emotional due to the stress. Right now I'm stressed out over money issues and the fact that I haven't seen my boyfriend since the beginning of summer which is making me even more emotionally unstable. So that could be it. But no I'd avoid watching romantic movies unless you do so together online and looking at couples. I hate seeing couples now because it's just a reminder of how my boyfriend's not here, but 2,000 miles away from me.

[Unistudent]

Thank you for all your comments. I hadn't responded until now because I thought things were over and done with.

 

I couldn't really take her indecision anymore.. found that she had been lying about some things because she really didn't feel the need to talk to me anymore. I just told her that I was done (not in those words exactly... they were more heated), I told her not to contact me..etc...

 

We had been organizing the sending of some of my more personal things back to me... as I was moving and wasn't sure what my new address was going to be. After that I was thinking before attempting to fall asleep about how she was going to emotionally handle this... and what she may have been thinking/getting ready to do.

 

Since I knew that she was an emotional wreck I had an idea that she might try and find the closest thing to love that she had felt before we got together... which would have been her X bf. I kind of panicked because I remember her telling me about how he was seeing 4 other girls and sleeping with them while she was seeing him. I started writing her an email... reassuring her that she shouldn't fall back towards past loves... especially if they weren't trustworthy. I did a quick google search on the guys name and found that he was becoming a male prostitute (he asked a sexual question in yahoo questions and mentioned what he was trying to do)... so that make it even more important to let her know about that. I didn't want to pry into her life but also still cared about her well being and that of her child. So I told her about that and that if she wanted to make the decision to get back together with him than it was her choice but I just let her know that she could do a lot better (her self esteem is pretty low as well). The point before sending this message I was completely ready to say goodbye forever... no matter what feelings still lingered.

 

She answered almost immediately to my email. Said thank you for letting her know and that she had no plans on getting back with him anyways.... but greatly appreciated my care. I just told her that it wasn't a problem and that I just wanted her to be happy and whatnot. She wrote back again that she was quite miserable... 40'ish small emails later.. I ended an email calling her beautiful (just a name I would call her before)... she told me that that made her cry but in a good way... then we both confessed that we really missed eachother... had been miserable the whole time we hadn't been talking... and that we would stare at eachothers pictures every time we were on the computer.

 

So... now we are seeing each other again... committed to each other... but not yet dating. I told her I wanted to start clean... and to admit to anything that she felt bad about ... etc.. I left it at that and we regained that connection.

 

So again... thank you so much for the comments/pointers.. I am definitely going to convey them to her so that we can get over the hurdles until we next see each other.

 

Any comments of what I just posted or anything else please do. PM me them if you don't want to do it in this post.

 

Thanks again.

[aerogurl87]

Unistudent I'm glad you two worked things out... but how are you committed to one another and NOT dating?

[Unistudent]

Yeah... that was confusing for me too. I think she means that since her family/friends all know that we broke up she wants to ease them into it.

 

That actually makes me think of another question... how do you get your parents to be on board for the whole LD thing. My mom and dad were NOT pleased when I told them about the LD relationship that I was in.... and even unhappier once I told them that she was coming to visit. They suggested to me that instead of staying at my place (student room in my university town) that we stay at my parents house and that she could sleep in another room downstairs... I laughed when she suggested that.

 

Yeah... I haven't told my parents that we are dating again though... we have some family problems right now (grandmother is really sick w cancer) so I don't want to add my LD relationship stress onto that.

 

So I think thats what she meant by not dating yet... in the eye of our friends / family.

[aerogurl87]

Yeah... that was confusing for me too. I think she means that since her family/friends all know that we broke up she wants to ease them into it.

 

That actually makes me think of another question... how do you get your parents to be on board for the whole LD thing. My mom and dad were NOT pleased when I told them about the LD relationship that I was in.... and even unhappier once I told them that she was coming to visit. They suggested to me that instead of staying at my place (student room in my university town) that we stay at my parents house and that she could sleep in another room downstairs... I laughed when she suggested that.

 

Yeah... I haven't told my parents that we are dating again though... we have some family problems right now (grandmother is really sick w cancer) so I don't want to add my LD relationship stress onto that.

 

So I think thats what she meant by not dating yet... in the eye of our friends / family.

 

Oh ok, gotcha. Yeah my boyfriend were in that situation. We told everyone we were just friends when I first went to visit him because if we had told his mom that I was his girlfriend she would've flipped. But she met me, liked me, and once everyone saw us together it became apparent we were more than friends haha. But how do you tell your parents? That can be a tricky one. I just told my mom about my boyfriend yesterday.

 

For me I told her that I was seeing this guy, mentioned all his great attributes first, and let that sink in for her so she had a good image of him in her mind. Then I eased into the fact that he was so far away by telling her that he lived in Canada and that's why I was going back. She wasn't thrilled, but she was happy I was upfront with her about everything. She now wants him to visit, lol, so I guess that's the next thing on my agenda. So just be honest with them, and mention to your parents that you've thought long and hard about dating her, talk about her with zest and point out her good qualities, and tell them you two decided you wanted to be a couple.

[Unistudent]

Damn... you did it the smart way... I should have waited to tell my parents... oups!

 

She was supposed to meet my parents back in May but scheduling got messed up and we couldn't meet up.

 

Woo Canada... you found yourself a good one! ( I say this because I am Canadian)

 

Thanks for the advice on telling my parents... I am going to try that again once we are ready to involve our fam again.