When to contact him after his fling leaves...feedack is appreciated

[rose45]

I decided to make a shorter thread and maybe more or different people will read and give their feedback.

 

My ex and i were together for a few years; I was very young when i met him..learned from my mistakes and really think things can be different this time. We have been talking on and off for about a year. He told me this is hard for him and he buried alot of those feelings.

 

my ex told me in june he has a girl visiting for a few months and she will be going home once the visa is up. He said they met over a year ago when she was on vacation and she came her to see him. It was only supposed to be for a few weeks but it turns out it will be a for a few months. I am assuming when she crossed over they gave her a 90 day visa b/c they decide then how long can you stay--you can't choose it yourself from what i know. We spoke about this June 11th or so and he said 2 and a half months she will be gone so its not a permanent thing. He is content with the situation right now and its convenient. I am assuming he must have some feelings for her as well unless its just an opportunity for se* for a few months.

 

Has it been 2.5 months yet since then? i want to call him and see what can happen after this but i was hoping she was gone by now. My birthday passed over a week ago and he called at night and left me a voicemail. I decided to call back while away at the time and told him where I was. We spoke for about 15 minutes or so and he said he just came back from the so and so area. I just said ok because I didn't want to have to ask was it with her or what.

 

He said it was for a family thing and him and his mother went. During the conversation I did say maybe we can talk soon and catch up and he said ok sort of in a laughing/happy tone..maybe suprised by how ok i sounded and at ease. Because when he originally told me this i was upset and even cried on the phone with him. I asked if he had time for his side jobs and he said with everything going on not really but he is supposed to have one next week..i don't know what that meant--with her being there, leaving, the short trip he had to go on etc? He asked was i with family or friends and asked if i was getting crazy and i said no you know me.

 

maybe she left already? I have wanted to call him all week. I feel pretty sad right now wanting to talk to him and ask if we can start talking more like we were and get together. I think once we actually spend time together we will see what could happen.

 

A few people say I should wait another few days to a week before calling so i don't look too eager and i am not calling him so soon after he called me. They also say its important to not wait too long either.

 

I am just worried about a number of things--if i call and he has time to talk but she happens to still be in the area--and i start asking him these questions...i will feel pretty bad when he says she is still here right now and can't really think about this yet.

 

A friend of mine thinks she is gone if he called me at night for my birthday and went on this trip..unless she was visitng extended family in another state while he was gone and then flying back to him after and then flying home.

 

Another friend is saying to call the first week or so in september and in that way i will have increased my chances she is gone and he might be more open to talking.

 

Apart of me was debating about texting him..simply asking hey--can i call you sometime next week or so? and see what his response is. He will know by my text i am making sure it is ok to call and asking if she is still here. If he says he will try to answer then i will assume she is still here and maybe wait another week to phone him. A good friend of mine said she wouldn't text--it looks kind of weak to have to ask and maybe even slightly desperate and if i want to talk, call and if he doesn't answer just leave a voicemail.

 

For some reason; it is really hard to wait..a week feels like a month. I guess i want to know if she is still there or if he has any more bad news for me like they are engaged.

 

What does everyone think? Any thoughts besides forgetting him? I know i want to try asking one last time and even tell him maybe it was a good thing we spoke this year and took our time and if we are still talking and on good terms after everything--then maybe it isn't a bad idea for us to spend some time together.

[skydiveaddict]

I know i want to try asking one last time and even tell him maybe it was a good thing we spoke this year and took our time and if we are still talking and on good terms after everything--then maybe it isn't a bad idea for us to spend some time together.

 

 

Are you serious? he uses you like that and you still want him back?

[rose45]

honestly..it hurts that we couldnt just rapdily fall back in love or whatever...but we haven't seen each other in awhile..he didn't stop me from dating and then go be with this person for the summer. We had no claim to each other. We were just talking on and off for awhile and i guess this situation came up and it is what he wanted to do for the summer and he took the opportunity.

 

In my heart..i guess i don't want to swear him out of my life forever b/c i haven't seen him awhile and he chose a summer romance that doesn't seem like it will last anyway unless he plans on marrying her.

[Ilovecake]

Rose I'm sorry to say but it doesn't sound like you learned anything since you were with him. You're being a complete doormat to this guy who doesn't sound like he's even sure he wants much to do with you. If he loved you and wanted to be with you he would not be having a 2 month fling and would not have you pathetically waiting around. If you get together with this guy you will be in a very unhealthy relationship and will feel absolutely horrible. Don't ruin your life like that for a guy who's not even sure about you. Have some self respect and find someone who wants to be with you.

[O'Malley]

You are unfortunately a) attempting to make yourself an option for your ex and b) overlooking the fact that he has not displayed any genuine interest in reconnecting with you. Potential that is not there and is playing havoc with your head and heart.

 

If he truly wanted to be with you, not only would he not be involved with this other girl, he would not be mentioning her to you.

 

Stop contacting him and block him from your contacts -- he is aware that you have feelings for him and will find a way to contact you if he genuinely wants to. See if he steps up to the plate and actually wants to date you, not just have chit chats. Take up your interests, hang out with your friends, do anything that will take your mind off of this unavailable guy (unavailable to you because he chooses to be) and helps you with moving on from your feelings from him.

[tornandmarried]

yeah its time to start moving on....u sound like a nice and caring girl, if he dont want you he dont deserve you...if u move on he will notice and proably start thinking about u and want to be with you....if not, your already moving on....youll be happier in the long run...its hard to see that now but in 10 years you could be settled down with a happy family and loving husband....not that u have to "swear him out of your life" just leave him alone while u work on yourself and maybe pick up a friendship in the future

[rose45]

thank you.

 

But i guess my point sort of is...we didn't just break up or anything...we already had a long period of time with no contact where i focused on myself..i traveled, met new people, tried dating, joined a team..my life is different in some ways compared to back then and it is not the same hurt even when he gave me this news compared to the initial break up.

 

So i guess i already did all those things about improving myself and we formed a somewhat friendship i guess you can say where we are on good terms and we are talking---i actually don't want to go through that again of NC and maybe somewhere down the line we can be friends..it is already happening.

 

That is why i wanted to see if we could finally get some face to face interaction where feelings could develop and maybe we can just start as friends and of course as friends we are able to date..until then; i don't really see either of us putting each other first with other people we might meet etc etc...

 

So i guess that is why i figured this was worth "fighting" for in some sense even if its me putting in alot more effort..i guess sometimes in life there are people you will always think--they are worth fighting for and they hold a special place.

 

If after this--it is a very very negative response although i don't see why it would be that bad---he called me over a week ago and it was a friendly talk..then i guess then i really know we can't even be friends in person to see how things can go.....

[Ronni_W]

rose,

Pluck up your courage and text him something like, "Hey. When will be a good time to catch up? It's been a while."

 

For what it's worth, he does not sound too interested. But I get that you want to make a last-ditch effort before deciding to move on. That's totally understandable. Whether she is or is not there, really doesn't make any difference -- you know this, yes? It's coming across that you may just be using her as your excuse to not contact him...because you don't want to hear the truth (that he doesn't feel the same way about you, as you feel about him.)

 

That is why i wanted to see if we could finally get some face to face interaction where feelings could develop and maybe we can just start as friends and of course as friends we are able to date

If you meant that friends date each other, then NO! "Being friends" means NOT dating each other and NOT getting jealous/upset when our friends go on dates and get into romantic relationships with other people.

 

I get the position you're in, and it's difficult. For your own sake, find your courage and make your last-ditch effort. His answer is going to be exactly the same if you torture yourself for another 2 weeks or another 2 years.

 

Hugs.

[rose45]

i guess i figured maybe if he wanted nothing to do with me or be bothered with this anymore he wouldn't have even called for my birthday

 

Trust me, i did want to call him this summer..it wasn't to avoid his words..i had no reason to really call after him telling me about this summer plans. I basically just tried to respect his decision and what was going on so i backed away and only texted him during the day on his birthday.

 

I did not mean if we are friends we are dating each other..i meant it is probably good to start as friends and spend time together and see how things go from there..which of course means we could date OTHERS..it is like starting over in some sense with the dating and exclusive part etc etc.. but that is jumping way ahead i guess

 

I guess i am just thinking if we actually spent time in person, interest levels would increase...