29 years old and possibly headed toward divorce

[Southernebelle]

I am just wanting to get opinions and advice on my situation with my husband. We have been together for almost 10 years/married for 4. He is 12 years older than myself. I am 29 years old and will be 30 in a few months. I have always questioned my relationship with him, but have stayed for one reason or another. I have always felt sorry for him financially.

 

I am a nurse and make a good living, he is a police officer with not so great pay, and 3 kids to support. I do not have any children and find myself resenting his kids for the financial burden it places on us. Recently his 17 year old came to live with us because he was misbehaving. (running away, attempting to hit his mom, past history of animal abuse) My husband did not even ask me if I was okay with it, He just moved him in. Shortly after he moved in I have noticed how fearful my dogs are of this kid, I also notice that my little min pins nose was swollen the other day and she actually trembles with fear around him. I am a little concerned for my safety as well.

 

I am already the bread winner and now I have one more person in the home to support. I work 2 full time jobs because I am trying to pay off credit cards and such. My husband thinks he is too good to work extra. He says that the police department does not have overtime and he laughs when I tell him he can work somewhere other than just as a police officer. I know if I leave him he will not be able to afford his bills, not even close. I don't know why I feel so responsible for him. He is like a child. I cook, clean, pay all of the bills, balance the checkbook, take care of the pets, work 2 full time nursing jobs, and take University nursing classes on the internet.

 

We have joint accounts(not for long) and he just thinks it is okay for him to go buy whatever he wants for his kids. ( again what he makes in one month does not even cover our mortgage, much less car payments, electric, creditcards, insurance, etc.) It makes me so mad! I cannot believe any REAL man would be okay with his wife working so much, while he doesn't even try to find extra work. I really didn't want to get married. I cried for 3 hours the night before we were married, but I went through with it anyway.

 

I love him, but I am not in love with him. I don't want him to touch me, although he tries. The thought of sex makes me sick. When I finally give in to him (once every 3 or 4 months) because I feel sorry for him, it makes my skin crawl. He is a really handsome guy, but I am disgusted by him. I don't see him as a man and have lost respect for him. I guess maybe I am a little scared to move on with my life, because he has been a part of it for so long. I don't want him, but I know it will bother me to see him move on with someone else.(don't know why or if this is even normal).

 

There is so much more to this story but I don't want to write a book. Your advice and opinions are appreciated. Just wanted advice outside of family and friends who automatically side with me anyway.

Edited August 27, 2010 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
wrong word

[BlackLovely]

I am just wanting to get opinions and advice on my situation with my husband. We have been together for almost 10 years/married for 4. He is 12 years older than myself. I am 29 years old and will be 30 in a few months. I have always questioned my relationship with him, but have stayed for one reason or another. I have always felt sorry for him financially. I am a nurse and make a good living, he is a police officer with not so great pay, and 3 kids to support. I do not have any children and find myself resenting his kids for the financial burden it places on us. Recently his 17 year old came to live with us because he was misbehaving. (running away, attempting to hit his mom, past history of animal abuse) My husband did not even ask me if I was okay with it, He just moved him in. Shortly after he moved in I have noticed how fearful my dogs are of this kid, I also notice that my little min pins nose was swollen the other day and she actually trembles with fear around him. I am a little concerned for my safety as well. I am already the bread winner and now I have one more person in the home to support. I work 2 full time jobs because I am trying to pay off credit cards and such. My husband thinks he is too good to work extra. He says that the police department does not have overtime and he laughs when I tell him he can work somewhere other than just as a police officer. I know if I leave him he will not be able to afford his bills, not even close. I don't know why I feel so responsible for him. He is like a child. I cook, clean, pay all of the bills, balance the checkbook, take care of the pets, work 2 full time nursing jobs, and take University nursing classes on the internet. We have joint accounts(not for long) and he just thinks it is okay for him to go buy whatever he wants for his kids. ( again what he makes in one month does not even cover our mortgage, much less car payments, electric, creditcards, insurance, etc.) It makes me so mad! I cannot believe any REAL man would be okay with his wife working so much, while he doesn't even try to find extra work. I really didn't want to get married. I cried for 3 hours the night before we were married, but I went through with it anyway. I love him, but I am not in love with him. I don't want him to touch me, although he tries. The thought of sex makes me sick. When I finally give in to him (once every 3 or 4 months) because I feel sorry for him, it makes my skin crawl. He is a really handsome guy, but I am disgusted by him. I don't see him as a man and have lost respect for him. I guess maybe I am a little scared to move on with my life, because he has been a part of it for so long. I don't want him, but I know it will bother me to see him move on with someone else.(don't know why or if this is even normal).There is so much more to this story but I don't want to write a book. Your advice and opinions are appreciated. Just wanted advice outside of family and friends who automatically side with me anyway.

 

First of all, hugs. This must be horrible for you sweetheart.

 

Ask yourself why you chose to marry this man, even though you didn't want to. Was it because of loneliness?

 

You feel responsible for him, because you are in a codependent relationship. You depend on him depending on you.

 

You are his partner, not his bank! It looks like he's taking advantage of your money. I agree that a real man wouldn't enjoy mooching off of his wife. Who cares if he can't afford his bills without you-is that what you want to be to this man-a walking chequebook? You teach people how to treat you, mama. You need to stand up for yourself.

 

One of the reasons I stopped dating men with kids is I knew I wanted to be first in the relationship. You cannot expect to be first, when children are involved. Even if you didn't want his son in your home, saying this would have made you look like the evil stepmom. Unfair, but true.

 

Of course it would bother you to see him with someone else. You had a long history with him and you're only human. I'm going to suggest reframing the thought of him burdening another woman-"Better her than me! I'm glad I don't have a lazy and selfish little boy to deal with any more!"

 

It looks like you know what needs to be done, you just need to get up the courage to move on. Discuss your feelings and expectations with your husband. If there is no change....well, get ready to be single again, unless you want to live in misery.

[Southernebelle]

I totally agree with you. It is just hard since I have been with him since I was 19 years old. I feel like this has been a total 10 year waste of time. I married him because he was leaving for Iraq with the National Guard and said that either we would break up or get married before he left. I didn't want to end things at that time, but really didn't want to get married either. I just felt that after being with him for six years that I would be a bad person if I said no. After all he was leaving overseas for a year. Ultimately, I went through with it because I did not want to admit to my parents that they were right about him. Really stupid reason, but its the truth. Your right, I do know what I need to do, but need to get up the courage to actually do it. I have told him before that I want a divorce, but he acts like it is a joke or like nothing was ever said to him. I know initially it will hurt, but will get better with time, and I will be happier in the end.

[PegNosePete]

You were 19, and you got together with a 31 year old with 3 kids? I get the feeling this was doomed from the start.

 

I love him, but I am not in love with him.

You said there's so much more to the story but you didn't want to write too much -- does the "more" involve you cheating on him? Either emotionally or physically?

 

It's really time to grab life by the horns, take a risk and get rid of this guy. You've already ended the marriage emotionally, it's time to do it on paper now. You should see a lawyer, because you are the higher earner and he cannot support himself, there may be financial issues that you need professional advice on.

[Cee]

Don't sacrifice your chance at future happiness because you are afraid of change. Change is scary, but it is exciting. Yes, breakups hurt and involve grieving, but they also involve GROWING.

 

Huddle up with your best girlfriends and tell them everything you have written here. Have them help and support you in your life change. Cry on the phone with them. Drink coffee and wine and talk about your dreams with them.

 

And if you don't have any friends, start going out and making some. Leave the dishes in the sink and the laundry on the floor and join social groups. Join a divorce group. Any group.

 

Spread your wings and fly. You sound like an amazing person who has so much to offer.

 

Yes, this is going to be the hardest thing you've ever done. Divorce isn't pretty. But the rewards of following your heart are immense. Go for it.

 

And keep posting. We'll encourage you.

[Southernebelle]

You said there's so much more to the story but you didn't want to write too much -- does the "more" involve you cheating on him? Either emotionally or physically?

 

No, I never cheated on him. I certainly thought about it and had plenty of opportunities, but never did. You are probably right about the relationship being doomed from the start. I was just too young and inexperienced to see it. I just feel like I have missed out on so much in my life. Now that I am about to turn 30 I feel like I need to start living for myself and that I deserve more. But I still feel guilt.

[spacedowt]

My situation reminds me a lot of yours. I married my husband because he was deploying/moving to a far away duty station and he said we either needed to get married or break up, and well, I didn't want to break up so here we are.

 

The only difference between me and you is, you have a real solid concrete reason to leave. He's taking advantage of you, and you're a smart beautiful woman I am sure who doesn't have to take that.

 

I have been considering leaving my husband for months and I would still be sad to see him with someone else, I also think I will be sad just not being with him. I'm comfortable with him and he loves me and I love him, but like you, I don't know that I am IN love with him.

 

You have to think of yourself for once, and know that the time we lose in these imperfect relationships can never be regained. By the sounds of your situation if you leave him things will only get better. You are already working a good job and making good money. You're too young to be burdened with someone elses kids and financial woes. I say leave, a man doesn't define us as women, and it sounds like you are a complete enough woman without a man-- a man like that anyway--already.

 

I totally agree with you. It is just hard since I have been with him since I was 19 years old. I feel like this has been a total 10 year waste of time. I married him because he was leaving for Iraq with the National Guard and said that either we would break up or get married before he left. I didn't want to end things at that time, but really didn't want to get married either. I just felt that after being with him for six years that I would be a bad person if I said no. After all he was leaving overseas for a year. Ultimately, I went through with it because I did not want to admit to my parents that they were right about him. Really stupid reason, but its the truth. Your right, I do know what I need to do, but need to get up the courage to actually do it. I have told him before that I want a divorce, but he acts like it is a joke or like nothing was ever said to him. I know initially it will hurt, but will get better with time, and I will be happier in the end.

[pole_cat]

Abusing animals is a sign that your stepson may very well be a budding sociopath/psychopath. A common thought in these situations is "Well, he's just a kid. Maybe he didn't understand what he was doing." Not to mention, his father sounds like he may have sociopathic tendencies himself. These people can be very charming/sweet to get their way. They don't come with a warning label and they will always go back to being cruel and thoughtless once they've managed to convince others that they are "better" or "changed" yet again. And the cycle continues...

 

You are not responsible for him or his son. PLEASE gather up ALL the pets and get out of there!

[You Go Girl]

1)To get to the heart of this, for your own sake, you have to analyze what you do see in him, what you do like, what you do admire or respect.

2)What fear do you have if you consider telling him it's over?

3) Immediately quit one of the full-time jobs. If this really goes south, you don't want to be paying alimony. Working 2 jobs isn't doing you any good anyway, except keeping you away from the home, and probably missing out on a lot of chaos, especially the abuse of your dogs.

4) Imagine moving out and telling him good-bye. What feelings come over you?

5)Imagine having sex with him and feeling close to him. What would it take for that to happen?

These are things to think about, do, as in thinking. Only number 3 is something you should do just to set things in balance within the marriage. It might cause financial hardship should you stay together, but it's a no-brainer because the marriage certainly isn't benefitting from it emotionally in anyway.

and 6) Control where the money goes. Prioritize since you are the main breadwinner.

[2.50 a gallon]

Listen to Pole Cat. It will only get worse, and yes you need to fear this child. He is nearing manhood and probably sees you as coming between him and his easy life with his father. You are a threat, you are his enemy and he is not right in the head, he will eventually hurt you.

 

If you H did not ask you for your opinion in bring this beast into your life, it shows that he thinks nothing of you. You are his slave not a partner in life.

 

Also, you are your pets protector, they are helpless without your help.

[2.50 a gallon]

He has a history of abusing animals in the past. And you know that he is already abusing your animals. So you are letting him do this, enabling. Stop this now, before he permantently hurts one of your pets and you have to put them down.

 

The question is how are you going to look them in the eye after he hurts or kills one of them?

[You Go Girl]

Have a discussion with your H about how his son is abusing your animals. I want to hear what he says back to you. This will be very telling as to what kind of person he is. I suspect he is going to be in complete denial. He may have no idea how psycho his son is, having a parental loyalty that is blind.

But this discussion will also reveal if your H respects what you have to say on any level. I have a sneaky suspicion he is going to laugh, disregard what you say, or worse, get angry with you.

[willowthewisp]

My situation reminds me a lot of yours. I married my husband because he was deploying/moving to a far away duty station and he said we either needed to get married or break up, and well, I didn't want to break up so here we are.

 

The only difference between me and you is, you have a real solid concrete reason to leave. He's taking advantage of you, and you're a smart beautiful woman I am sure who doesn't have to take that.

 

I have been considering leaving my husband for months and I would still be sad to see him with someone else, I also think I will be sad just not being with him. I'm comfortable with him and he loves me and I love him, but like you, I don't know that I am IN love with him.

 

You have to think of yourself for once, and know that the time we lose in these imperfect relationships can never be regained. By the sounds of your situation if you leave him things will only get better. You are already working a good job and making good money. You're too young to be burdened with someone elses kids and financial woes. I say leave, a man doesn't define us as women, and it sounds like you are a complete enough woman without a man-- a man like that anyway--already.

 

Just wanted to highlight the bolded parts above Spacedowt, first being IN love with someone is a temporary feeling that fades, typically after the first year, it is replaced with love. Love is something you give, not a feeling, a choice, an action. If you really believe that being IN love is what creates a healthy marriage then you will be in for a shock a few years down the road, the temporary lovey, butterflies, heady feeling always fades.

 

Second, NO relationship is perfect! That is because NO one is perfect. There is no such thing as a perfect relationship or a perfect person. If you look at the statistics you will see the rate for second time divorecs is very high, perhaps because people who divorce did not learn important valuable lessons in their first marriage. Studies have shown that those who indicated unhappiness in their marriage but stayed, were happy five years later comparded with those that divorced. There is a valuable lesson to learn in this...there is no such thing as "the one", all relationships take work, your chance to have a happy marriage is the one that you are currently in. If you think you are "wasting" your time now in an imprefect relationship, how do you think you will feel when you discover in another 5, 10 years that the marriage you are in is not perfect either. Do yourself a favour and realise how precious what you have is... you have a man who loves you and (despite what you now say, leavers tend to re-write history), you once loved. Go to MC and work to repair what you have, it is possible, rather than waste even more of your life trying to find something that does not exist.

 

Just my 2 cents.

[cavedweller]

No, I never cheated on him. I certainly thought about it and had plenty of opportunities, but never did. You are probably right about the relationship being doomed from the start. I was just too young and inexperienced to see it. I just feel like I have missed out on so much in my life. Now that I am about to turn 30 I feel like I need to start living for myself and that I deserve more. But I still feel guilt.

If you can't work it out you will have to make some tough decisions..To me it sounds like it won't get any better..Can you live the rest of your life (in this marriage) if things don't change?

[shawnc]

Obviously, you are used to him. That is no reason to be with someone. It is not fair to you or him.

 

I know it is hard, but there is only one thing you can do and that is to move on.

 

Life is beautiful - it should not be wasted away as the years you waste away you will never get back - and the same goes for him.

 

Your soulmate is out there and once you find him, you will know that you made the right decision and moved on with your life.

 

Shawn