florentino Posted August 26, 2010 Share Posted August 26, 2010 (edited) warning: this is a long story. A little over two years ago, I fell madly head over heels obsessively in love with a girl. At first it was pure infatuation, but as I got to know her, I began to feel very very strongly about her. I could never see myself with any other girl, I spent every minute of every day thinking about her, and she haunted my dreams. We eventually became best friends and spent hours and hours talking on the phone and hanging out on weekends. The only problem was she was dating my then best friend, which caused me unspeakable anguish. I would get physically ill with anxiety and hopelessness and stay home from school from time to time. I wasn't eating, I wasn't sleeping, things were bad. This went on for a full year. Eventually I couldn't take it anymore and just stopped talking to her out of nowhere. I was curt and rude to her when she tried to talk to me. It worked for the most part. We had a huge confrontation at the end of the year that ended with me apologizing to her profusely, her boyfriend and and I almost getting into a fight, and her eventually saying that she didn't want to speak to me ever again. A year passed, and my infatuation with her died down. I occasionally saw her in the hallways - when we passed each other we pretended we didn't know each other. I was feeling much less depressed, I was enjoying my senior year. Until graduation day, she comes up to me, hands me a handwritten letter, and walks away. It said how sorry she was that things had turned out the way they did, that she had considered me her best friend she had ever had, how hard it was for her to deal with the fact that we didn't even speak anymore, that she had cried for a week after our confrontation etc. That night I sent her a long email apologizing for everything, telling her how thankful I was that she had given me the letter etc. She responded by IMing me that night. After working out our issues, we started just having a conversation, and I was shocked to find we got along as well as always, shockingly well. We talked for 6 straight hours. We talked online every single night that week, sometimes bordering on 7 or 8 hours. These weren't absent conversations. We weren't multitasking, we were just talking as if we were in person, like we used to. I found myself falling back in love with her and being horribly horribly confused again. She was doing this behind her boyfriends back. We were talking so much that she would often tell her boyfriend she was going to sleep, go invisible on ichat, and then talk to me for 5 more hours. Maybe you can understand this made me very very confused. I was almost sure she couldn't talk for 8 hours straight with her boyfriend, but she was doing it with me nightly. This is where the situation is right now. We are talking 8 hours a night online behind her boyfriends back, which seems like a ridiculous risk to be taking considering how much he hates and resents me. I am very confused and have fallen back into my old ways. She is on my mind 24/7. I can't understand her motives here. Why is she spending all of this time talking to me? Does she really just like me as a friend THAT much? Seriously, what is going on here? What do I do? Just accept it? I'm really glad that she likes me again and I LOVE talking to her, but I am very very very confused. Edited August 26, 2010 by florentino Link to post Share on other sites
xpaperxcutx Posted August 26, 2010 Share Posted August 26, 2010 I think this is what people call an EA. She can't get that emotional connection she seeks from her boyfriend, so she talks to you behind his back. In a way, she's already set herself up to cheating on him with you. Why are you so adamant with talking with her? Of course you can't be friends with a girl you like. You're only placing yourself in a position to get hurt. Link to post Share on other sites
WTRanger Posted August 26, 2010 Share Posted August 26, 2010 She's not getting that level of conversation with her current boyfriend, so he's leeching off of you. She's engaging in parasitic behavior. She's getting everything she needs from you, and you get nothing. When she leaves, she'll be happy and you'll be dead inside. In fact, by doing what you are doing you could be enabling her and her bf to stay together. Normally, they'd fight about lack of communication, but now she's got you. She's got you to whine to about all of her emotions and ramble on about how her day is. Then when she's feeling refreshed, she goes and bangs the brains out of her boyfriend. He really should be thanking you. He's got a win-win out of this one. Less annoying girlfriend talk, more sex. She's got a win-win too. What exactly are you getting out of this? Link to post Share on other sites
O'Malley Posted August 26, 2010 Share Posted August 26, 2010 Sounds like typical attention junkie behavior -- she enjoys the attention that she receives from you, but has no intention of leaving the boyfriend to pursue a relationship. Regardless of how you feel about her boyfriend, make it clear that these conversations won't be continuing as long as she is dating someone else...Then you have to be firm with your boundaries by not contacting her or responding to her contacts. Only invest more effort in this situation if she breaks up with him, contacts you and agrees to go on actual dates. Link to post Share on other sites
Cracker Jack Posted August 26, 2010 Share Posted August 26, 2010 I agree with the consensus. Even though it seems like you're clicking with her, this isn't a good situation to be in. I know you'll still continue to talk to her, but this'll only make things worse. Link to post Share on other sites
Author florentino Posted August 27, 2010 Author Share Posted August 27, 2010 (edited) You guys bring up some good points. I suppose I'm not really getting much out of this. I guess if i had to justify my actions, I'm still talking to her because I just honestly cannot believe she would rather be with her boyfriend than me when she obviously gets along so much better with me. Her relationship with her boyfriend seems very shallow. He isn't really much of a thinker or talker, she absolutely is, and yet she claims she loves him. I guess I am just having a tough time accepting this because I get along with her better than anybody I've ever met in my life and I just can't believe she doesn't feel this. I sort of feel like putting myself out there, making it clear that I feel very very strongly about her, and making it clear that I'm an available alternative will someday make her see the light. That didn't really work two years ago though, so maybe I should just give up :/ Part of it I think is that he is the first boyfriend she has ever had and she lost her virginity to him. She was very insecure when she was younger, and I think the fact that he was the first guy who ever showed interest in her has made her cling to him despite his shortcomings. I guess I've just never given up hope that we might end up together eventually. I guess at the very least since we've reconnected that possibility has been opened up for the future, but I made myself sick waiting last time and I don't want to do that again. Edited August 27, 2010 by florentino Link to post Share on other sites
SadandConfusedWA Posted August 27, 2010 Share Posted August 27, 2010 She is probably not physically attracted to you. Link to post Share on other sites
vipo Posted August 29, 2010 Share Posted August 29, 2010 NEVER GIVE UP MAN ! Just show him the difference, show him that he's not for here, make here understand the diference between what she really want and what she think she want.... Maybe you didn't understand me, but just think about it Good luck ! Link to post Share on other sites
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