How do I act now?

[No longer naive]

I'd like to take a moment to state how enlightening it has been to read about so many situations. I have to admit - it makes me realize just how "not unusual" my situation is. Several years ago, I had no idea---

 

I am writing to get advice on closure and how to interact with the other person when you do happen to see him. My situation can be summed as follows: Strong southern methodist upbringing, married for 15 years, not really content with the marriage, but didn't realize it, met new neighbor and grew to like him over about 3 years. He had difficulties with his spouse and confided in me. We talked for a long time and became very fond of one another - eventually evolved into an affair. We had daily interaction -- social as well as physical. We loved each other and expressed it. The affair lasted six years. I have never felt so wonderful with a person ever before and have never loved so deeply. We never argued or disagreed. We had a great deal of fun and there was a lot more to the situation than just physical.

 

My husband and I became more unhappy with each other (and yes, I know the affair affected that). My husband had an anger management problem and I was pretty sure when I entered the affair that I would eventually be divorced. I couldn't imagine ever remaining in my marriage after an affair, not to mention that I had lost all emotions of love even prior to the affair. When my husband and I separated, the person that I was in love with also walked away because he told me that people can't maintain a situation with uneven playing fields. He had told me that long ago and I think that is why I stayed in the marriage as long as I did. He had also just built a new home with his spouse. I was left to deal with getting a job and learning to support myself and 2 children, and going through the divorce.

 

I had always thought the man that I was in love with would not have abandoned me while I was going through the divorce. To be alone at a time like that was devastating. He truly earned my disrespect. How can you be intimate with a person for 6 years and then just walk away when you know that they are going to go through the most difficult time in their life? It was unkind.

 

It has been 1 and a half years since I was with him last. I still think about him on a daily basis, although I have come to gain some perspective about the situation and men. I still don't understand that when you find a love with that kind of passion, how he can walk away from it. I respected his situation and never tried to gain inappropriate contact of any sort. I let go. I felt that if it was meant to be, he would come back. I know that his situation is ok, but not great. I wonder if I will ever be able to feel that way about anyone again. I fear that I am now too burned to ever let down my defenses again.

 

I don't trust. Not even my own instincts about a person. I was so sure about him and yet, I was totally wrong.

 

The difficulty at this point is how am I supposed to act when I see him at the gym or out at social events. I am not the type of person to deliberately alter my life to avoid him. That's just running away. I have soooooo many emotions when I see him. I feel love and desire, anger and (psuedo)-hatred, all at the same time. Should I be friendly? Should I just wave and keep on walking? Should I refuse to acknowledge him? It is too difficult to act like this never happened and I don't want him to think that I'm ok with it either. I think he treated me very shabbily. What would you do?

 

Arabess, Midori and Jester - I have appreciated your responses to people that I have read. I'd love to know your thoughts.

[Arabess]

Oh GAWD what a nightmare.....having to see him at social events with his 'family'. I'd have to MOVE! LOL!

 

The key to the whole delimma though...is in your own words. YOU went into the affair knowing a divorce would be in your future. He did not. You took the affair as an 'act of love' with a possible future with this man....again, he did not. He wanted an affair with a married woman because it's safer for him to be with someone who had as much to lose as he did. You are now single....he is not.

 

In other words, he kept the agreement as he saw it. You are the one who had a circumstance change. He probably feels no guilt or remorse.....nor does he feel he owes you anything. Truthfully, he doesn't. For him....it's over.

 

Women, on the other hand, get more emotionally attached to affairs than the male counterpart. When it's over....he loses someone he's had sex with....who is replaceable. She loses someone she fell in love with....and it takes a long time to get over it. You'll walk with a wounded heart till time heals it and you find a new and better love.

 

It doesn't mean he never thinks about you, misses you or even remembers you fondly....but he CAN walk away because he never planned to get in any deeper or make any committment beyond what you shared in the first place.

 

He may have spoken many words of love to you....but if he had really 'loved' you....he would've suggested you both get a divorce and be together somewhere outside of the shadows of an affair. He may even have hinted at a future....but he made no effort to make it happen. In the heat of the moment.....the dumbest words in the world will come out of a man's mouth. LOL!

 

Keep your head up.....contemplate a MOVE....and try to get on with your life. It's too late to ask 'why'.....you'll never get a response from him. He doesn't know 'why' either. All he knows is that you are a memory.....and he will continue to build a life with his wife and family.

 

.......I KNOW it hurts like hell.....that's why I say affairs just aren't worth it......

 

Arabess

[jester]

As people fall in love with different expectations, people have affairs with different expectations. When the affair changes, the expectations change.

 

People who have affairs often do not want to upset the status quo. Yes, they're willing to undergo some risk--that adds to the excitement--but very, very few are willing to jettison a wife or husband , young kids and a home to embrace the "other man" or "other woman." That's why the great majority of affairs die a natural death with many marriages surviving (each in its own way) the affair.

 

Your "other man" loved you only in the fantasy context of the affair. As long as you both were married, no party would seriously insist that each leave their marriage for the other. You both were honouring the unspoken rules of many an affair: cheat, express undying love to one another but never, ever place the other party in a position where he or she faces a substantial risk of losing spouse and family. To your other man, you were a marital supplement, not a marital partner.

 

When you separated from your husband, your 'other man" panicked. He realized that playtime, the fantasy, the very stability or rules of the affair were in jeopardy. The fantasy bubble had burst, and he must now make difficult choices--ones he did not want to make. As an available woman, you became a real, substantial threat to his marriage . As a single woman, he realized your expectations would change and he would get pressure to leave his family. All the "fun" was sucked out of the affair. This was the real world. He could no longer hide behind your husband.

 

What to do? I'd pleasantly ignore him, and start dating single men. He no longer warrants your friendship, let alone your love. Let go.

[Arabess]

Originally posted by jester

All the "fun" was sucked out of the affair.

 

HAHA Jester! This reminds me of a balloon when you let the air out and it makes that crappy noise! What a 'perfect' representation.

[No longer naive]

Jester,

 

Thanks for your response! I think you summed it up nicely.

 

Actually, I have been dating a gentleman for the past year or so. I met him about the time the other man walked away. I have been fortunate because he has been so good to me throughout the divorce and he also knows about the affair, etc. I have been totally up front with him in regards to the affair and my emotions. The problem is that I "love" him, but don't have that "in love" feeling. I try to be reasonable with myself and understand that it is likely that my emotions are going to be closed down for a while. There is a part of me that doesn't want to feel or trust again.

 

This man is so good to me and for me. He adores my teenage children (that's saying alot!lol) and is always there to help them. He has asked me to marry him and leaves the situation open to whenever I am ready. He knows that it is too soon to expect my emotions to have rebounded and is really patient. He says that he only knows that he doesn't feel nearly as happy when I am not around. I think he is smitten... I can't totally reciprocate. I have too much baggage still. It is a terrible place to be. Do you think that my emotions will ever make it back?

[No longer naive]

Arabess - I wrote you a nice long reply and can't find where it went to. Thanks for your advice. Maybe it went to the new posts! lol

[No longer naive]

Arabess - Thanks for such a quick response. The problem is that I have two children that are minors and I cannot move away due to the children, divorce (my ex, etc.) I would have loved to move back to my home in NC, but am stuck in KY until they are 18 - seven years from now. So, I have to find a way to cope.

 

I see this man on a regular basis - just passing by at the gym or at tennis matches, etc. Our children are also similar in age and I hear that his daughter will be changing schools next year to attend the one that my daughter attends. He is the type of person that everyone "loves". Regular great guy. Really good looking also.

 

I don't know how to behave towards him when I see him. Actually, I don't want him to think that I am happy about what transpired or that I think he is a wonderful person because he "couldn't help" the way things went and that "we knew it had to end". If he had ever said something like that during the affair, I would have ended it immediately. He never said anything like that. And I am the type of person that would not stay in a situation knowing it was useless. I now suspect that he understood that too. I feel quite used because of it.

 

I would really like him to understand that I don't appreciate what happened and that I think less of him for it. I also resent that he has walked away with no difficulties or devastation in his life. I don't really want him to have devastation in his life, just that I would like him to understand.

 

I have also pondered putting it this way to him - and it could be expressed to a lot of men this way ---- The only way that he will ever have a clue as to the damage that a situation like this can create is if someday, his daughter were to divorce after being married for over a decade, and you see how much she is suffering. How would he feel if he found out that the reason she was suffering was due to the loss of a man that she had an affair with and not the loss of the marriage? How would he feel when he realized that this man had left her after a long affair that altered her life, but not his. That he just stepped back into his marriage with no real repercussions. Would he not be horribly angry with this man or would he just tell his daughter that these things happen and she needs to get over it? How could he look himself in the mirror? And if he told her about his affair (not going to happen), how do you think she would look at him?

 

I have had long discussions with my girls about the many forms of marriage and why people stay in them. I want them to understand that I think the only reason you should stay in a marriage is because you love the other person and that if you can't be faithful, you need to get out. I also think that you shouldn't stay in a marriage just for the children - they are smart enough to know whether you are happy or not and if you are not happy, you are setting a terrible example. For women - I think staying in a marriage for security/financial reasons is simply sacrificing your only life for money. And then there is the Hillary/Bill marriage - which to me sets the prime example of the way marriage is not supposed to be. Yes, I know this is strongly opinionated, but I've had a lot of time to think about the way things should be and would want it to be for my girls. I imagine Hillary and Bill are perfectly content - it just goes against what I believe should be a good example.

 

When they are older (in their 20's), I will tell them about the affair and things to watch out for when they are married. I made a huge mistake and am paying the price and I should have divorced as soon as I realized that I wanted to have the affair. It would have been more honorable and less damaging. If I can educate them about the ways of the world without them having to learn it firsthand, I will.

[midori]

I fully agree with Jester, and also with most of what Arabess said, with one exception:

 

originally posted by Arabess

Women, on the other hand, get more emotionally attached to affairs than the male counterpart. When it's over....he loses someone he's had sex with....who is replaceable. She loses someone she fell in love with....and it takes a long time to get over it. You'll walk with a wounded heart till time heals it and you find a new and better love.

 

I don't think people's responses to the end of an affair can be neatly divided by gender. I do agree that women seem, in my experience, to be more prone to getting emotionally invested in a phyiscal relationship, even when they know it can't be a full, real relationship. But I think that may have as much to do with their reasons for getting involved with someone in the first place as it does for an innate tendency for getting emotionally attached to the person they're sleeping with. Likewise, I don't think that men are inherently able to walk away from relationships. I've seen first hand plenty of evidence that men are not always able to let go when they should.

 

I'm not just trying to make an academic point, but to address your sense of being emotionally shut down and unable to trust. I've been burned by love (not with a married man, but I think when it comes to heartache the specific context doesn't make a difference). I once loved someone who seemed to genuinely love me in return. There was incredible passion, affection, concern -- love, I thought. But circumstances shifted and suddenly our relationship was no longer convenient for him vis a vis other things in his life. Things that he valued more than love (though he always maintained that love was the most important thing to him -- whatever). Actually, the fact that he thought he valued love more than anything made our break-up much more difficult for me, because he subsequently had to justify his decision, by downplaying our love, emphasizing the ways we weren't right for each other, etc. I felt doubly betrayed: not only was he denying us a future, he was engaging in revisionist history to justify his choice to break up. For a while I really doubted my sanity, my ability to know anything at all about love. It was a long recovery for me.

 

And I still bear some scars. I'm with a guy now who is, objectively speaking (if that's possible!) the most wonderful man I've ever been in a relationship with. His qualities far outstrip my former love's. He is nothing like my ex in some key areas. But I worry sometimes -- does he really care about me the way he seems to? Could the passion and affection we share dissolve in an instant and be denied?

 

I keep these doubts in check two ways: 1. I look at consistency. When I look back on my former relationship, I see all kinds of ways that my ex's professed love for me was not borne out in his behavior. I don't mean to downplay the feelings you shared with your love, but I just don't think that real, lasting love can exist when at least one party is happy to give only portions of himself and his time to it. His primary obligations lay elsewhere, and meeting them was incompatible with fully loving you. No matter what he said at the time, objectively speaking his actions said something very different. 2. I look at motive. Jester has outlined very well the reasons some people have for engaging in affairs. I'd be willing to bet that they apply to your former love. My current boyfriend isn't running from anything, or trying to compensate for things that are otherwise lacking in his life (well, there is sex, but let's put that aside for now). He's with me simply (incredibly!) because he wants to be with me. My ex, on the other hand, had other reasons for wanting to be in a relationship with me. Once the relationship no longer served that purpose, he had no use for it or me.

 

So that's how I put aside my conditioned fears about intimacy and love. I know that my current boyfriend is not like my ex in some fundamental ways. Our relationship might not last for other reasons (although I sooo hope it lasts!), but if it fails it won't be for the reasons that my previous relationship ended.

 

It sounds like your current boyfriend is unlike your former lover. If you come to understand that and believe it, you'll be able to trust him, or another new man. Not all men are callous and selfish.

[jester]

You'll recover, if not for yourself, you'll do it for your kids. You have insight, obvious intelligence and an ability to connect to others. You'll do fine.

 

Whatever you do, avoid getting re-connected to the "other man." In your case, any renewed friendship would be a gateway to a reignited affair. I know the sex, the passion, the friendship, literally everything with the "other man" had a white heat intensity. That's why affairs are so nasty, and so many people risk so much for so little.

 

Any guy who comes after a long term affair is disadvantaged. Your new man is single (hence, legal) , and your relationship with him does not have that jolt of the forbidden. The very outlaw nature of an affair is a sexual stimulant.

 

If you're waiting for that "affair-like" supersonic passion with the new guy, it's probably not going to happen.Whatever you do, don't marry him because you're grateful. Gratitude marriages are the worst.

[midori]

I understand that, where you are right now, you feel injured and betrayed. You have things to say to this man, and there are things from him that you would like to hear. I fear that pursuing either of these will yield you little except further frustration and hurt.

 

Arabess was spot on when she observed that this man, in fact, owes you nothing. As hard as that is to comprehend and accept, he doesnt' owe you any explanation. You feel abandoned, but he was in no position to make you any promises about staying with you (if in fact he did). It's like showing up at a popular restaurant without a reservation. The hostess tells you that she might be able to seat you in another half an hour if a certain party doesnt' show up for their reservation. You wait at the bar for 15 or 20 minutes, and then check in with the hostess, who tells you that, alas, the party did show up after all and she's not going to be able to seat you. Whose fault is that? The hostess never promised you anything, although you hoped she'd be able to accommodate you.

 

So I recommend minimal interaction. It's possible to be civil to someone without ever getting into meaningful conversation. I understand that you cannot always avoid your former love; but since it bothers you to see him you should do whatever you can to avoid him when possible. When it's not possible to avoid him, say nothing other than hello. No matter how much you're burning to let him see how hurt you are, no matter how much you itch to demand that he acknowledge your feelings. Not only does he not owe you anything, he probably has a specific agenda where you're concerned: to avoid further entanglement. You think he's obliged to you; he disagrees and will probably avoid you more if he senses that you think he owes you something.

 

Re-read Jester and Arabess's posts. They sum up his position quite well. However much it hurts your or angers you, you have to accept his position for your own peace of mind. Otherwise you'll just torment yourself trying to get recognition from a person who doesn't think he owes you anything. You're not going to get him to see things your way. You're not going to get satisfaction from him.

[Arabess]

You are right Midori...I should have wrote 'MOST' of the time. I know some guys get as messed up in these things emotionally as women do. Not as frequently though.....LOL! I hear these guys talk at work about their 'flings' about as casually as they do about what they had for lunch.

 

My biggest pet peeve is the "Hey, she got HERS!". WTF? How romantic! And this poor woman they humped and dumped probably thought this guy 'cared'.....and he may have between beer 3 and the boinking part.

 

I had a long affair with someone who was separated who made promises he didn't keep. I've also had a couple of flings on the side with no promises involved. I can take the no promises. That's two adults playing a stupid game....but it's when they LIE....just blatantly LIE and hint that their heart is involved....that pisses me off.

 

But like you said Midori....sometimes their heart IS involved. The end result remains the same though.

 

....I'll get back with you NLN as soon as I get this card off to a SINGLE man who just got deployed for 6 months to the Mid East on a Navy ship......

He's just a friend

[dkopp]

Originally posted by midori

It's like showing up at a popular restaurant without a reservation. The hostess tells you that she might be able to seat you in another half an hour if a certain party doesnt' show up for their reservation. You wait at the bar for 15 or 20 minutes, and then check in with the hostess, who tells you that, alas, the party did show up after all and she's not going to be able to seat you. Whose fault is that? The hostess never promised you anything, although you hoped she'd be able to accommodate you.

 

Not so Naive,

 

Midori, I don't think I've ever seen a more clever (and accurate) analogy to anything in my life. That was great! In my case, I was waiting at the bar, got seated and was served the first round of drinks and the appetizer and then was told that the party was actually just running late but did show up and it was time for me to leave.

 

Regarding how to respond to him when seeing him out in public, I agree with you. No contact is BEST, but if you must see him, remember that being cordial is probably more than he deserves (and optional!) but probably the best solution. I too, crave that closure that was missing when my MM said buh-bye, but I have come to terms that I am not going to get it. Does anybody ever get the closure they want when a relationship ends? It doesn't seem so to me. I always felt like one more phone call or one more email will be the one that will give me the clarity I need but you know what happens, you hang up and realize that you forgot to add or ask that one last thing and so the cycle continues. I think its a coping mechanism for us (the broken-hearted) to fantasize of creating the opportunity for the heartbreaker to say "Gee, how terribly blind, WRONG, insensitive and selfish I've been. I've made an awful mistake."

 

I will forever wonder the reasons why. It's all part of it. We could probably talk for days about the reasons why he chose to stay in the marriage vs. going through with his promise to me, but the bottom line is, he made the choice. Sometimes, talking about it (with the man) produces even further ambiguity because we don't know what is the truth and what isn't. Especially in the case of affairs, where a good portion of the foundation is created by lies. And a lot of times, the man doesn't even know himself the reasons why he does and feels the way he does.

 

I completely relate to how PAINFUL it is to finally come to terms with the fact that even though he probably loved you with all of his heart, that is was a SELFISH type of love, one that served to fill his void in his marriage and for whatever reason, chose to not allow you to further fill it. I know he's a "Great Guy", so was mine. Every one loves him. You can really talk to him. He's smart, funny, knows just the right thing to say just at the right time. That's what makes them so dangerous because its those exact qualities that lowers our guard to us otherwise shrewd, perceptive women. And I'm not meaning to portray this as gender-based, it just seems that the inequality of men doing this to women is significantly higher.

 

Keep posting to us Notsonaive - we care about you.

[moimeme]

I hear these guys talk at work about their 'flings' about as casually as they do about what they had for lunch.

 

Well, Arabess, somehow I just can't picture a bunch of military guys sitting around talking about how crushed they are because they no longer have the emotional support/love of their fling partner. Any poor simp who made that mistake would be forced to turn in his 'guy' card and, no doubt, be called 'sappy and gay' by his compatriots.

[saintfrancis]

No longer naive,

 

I apologize if this question has been answered already (I only read through some of the posts in this thread), but.... after a year and a half, why do you still need to let this man know what you think of him??

 

I don't get it. I know you have social contact with him, but even that can be abated. Seems he should be nothing more than an annoying memory by now...?

 

sf

[No longer naive]

Saintfrancis,

 

I'm not really sure after a year and a half why I care. After being so conncected for so long, I just do. He used to tell me towards the end that he didn't want me to ever think that he was not suffering through this or that he didn't care. He told me that he wanted me to tuck away the wonderful love and emotions and keep them undamaged. Shortly before Christmas last year he handed me a CD that he had created that had about 18 love songs on it. They included things like Shameless, I Swear, Crying over you, etc.

 

The good news is that I don't think of him as much as I used to. I know longer feel as intensely as I did, but it has evolved into a fair amount of anger. I know these feelings are agitated by the major changes that I have faced in the last year - divorce, working and raising children, etc.

 

I also know that I won't have anything to do with him as long as he is married and I'm not sure that I would trust him even if he weren't married.

 

Why I care---I don't know. I just do. Maybe it just takes more time.

[FreeMe]

I would ignore him as much as possible and work on getting over him. If you were over him, you wouldn't need to ask how to act because you really wouldn't care. The opposite of love is indifference. When you become indifferent to him you'll know you've gotten him out of your system.

 

I avoided a place I used to love going for a year because my ex was there with his new girlfriend. But now that I'm truly over him I can see him, talk to him and not think twice about it (except to give silent thanks that it didn't work out.)

[jester]

Maybe it just takes more time.

 

 

Time is exactly what it takes,No longer naive.

A six year intimate relationship, even one not socially sanctioned, is of significant duration. That's a major chunk of time.

You're well on your way to full recovery, though. His light is dimming; his voice is growing faint.

Soon, he will be nothing. Not even a bitter memory.

[No longer naive]

"I know the sex, the passion, the friendship, literally everything with the "other man" had a white heat intensity."

 

Jester --- That's exactly it. Never known anything like it in my life. Everything had more color and was more alive. Strange when you both have it too.

 

No I won't marry out of gratitude, but this whole situation has left me wondering about love relationships and what is realistic to expect. Is it likely that I will have a white heat relationship with a man that is available? The nice thing about the affair was that I got to know him really well before we became involved. That doesn't always happen in the dating scene. It was fun and wonderful.

 

The new guy treats me wonderfully. We are not as compatible as the other man, but I don't know that I'll ever find someone as compatible, etc. I think I just miss that white heat connection. Everything/one else pales slightly in comparison. Do you have any thoughts on this?

 

Also, on another note, someone suggested to me that in every relationship there is one person that loves more than the other. That there is one person that can walk away and one that can't. Obviously, in my situation, I was not the one that could walk away, but he could. Do you think this is true? In my current relationship, I know that I can walk away if I need to. I have not really allowed my heart to open completely. (The old trust issue.)

 

Thoughts?

[jester]

Unfortunately, "affair sex" is to "conventional relationship sex" as a major, mind blowing orgasm is to a peck on the cheek. (Note: This is not an endorsement of extramarital sex.)

 

Affair sex is the crack cocaine of romance (both probably operate on the same part of the brain, too). It's an incredible high.

 

As an affair veteran, you have two problems. First, you have to adjust to life without the man of your dreams. That problem is not just limited to those in broken affairs.

 

Second, you have to adjust your expectations downwards when engaging in conventional, non-affair relationships. It's like the Wizard of Oz: for 6 years you were in Oz and luxuriated in that lush world's vivid colour . Now, you're back in Kansas where everything is flat and in black and white.

 

As memories of the affair fade, this "tone" difference will become less of a problem. Right now, though, I suspect it's a bit of an issue. Your first post-affair relationship could have been with Brad Pitt, and I suspect you would have found that relationship lacking in comparison. Who said life is fair?

 

As for "walking away," your talking about relationship symmetry, the vaunted balance of power. I suspect your right: lovers are not snowflakes--each side a perfect mirror image of the other.

 

It was the loss of "affair symmetry" that was your undoing. The "other man" was quite content so long as both of you were married. As a wife, you weren't going to threaten the serious side of his life--his wife and family. Everyone knew his/her place. When you divorced, the "affair symmetry" was lost. Your very availability became threatening to him.

 

He could only love you as another man's wife. There lies the tragi-comedy.

[dkopp]

Originally posted by jester

Unfortunately, "affair sex" is to "conventional relationship sex" as a major, mind blowing orgasm is to a peck on the cheek.

 

Jester,

SO TRUE and SO UNFAIR! I almost wish I had never experienced the first so I wouldn't know the difference between it and the latter.

[jester]

Yep, sometimes "ignorance is bliss."

[No longer naive]

So, Jester--- which side is better. The side where you are blissfully in love and can't walk away

 

or

 

the side where you love, but have enough jaded perspective that you will always be able to look at a relationship very objectively and always be able to walk away? (Can you even get past that after a damaging affair?)

 

 

And is it possible to have the "affair sex" in a committed relationship? I really want that and I would hate to think of just "settling" into a toned down situation. I like life in living colors! It's important!

[jester]

When I was young and foolish, I preferred being blissfully in love and unable to walk away.

 

Now that I'm old and foolish, I want to be able to leave a bad relationship and not look back.

 

Anything is possible. Depending on your partner, the chemistry, passion, etc., it's very possible to have affair quality sex at the inception of a relationship. But your standards are higher, now. Your expectations are greater.

 

It's not unlike having a very attractive lover who was superb in bed and you both ran on all cylinders. For some reason, that relationship ends, and you end up with a new guy who, while nice, does not make for alpha sex. We're human, we compare.

 

You'll most likely get it back.

[No longer naive]

Jester,

 

In regards to affair symmetry -- you referred to situation status, but I was really referring to emotional pull. Someone suggested to me that there is only 1 person really in charge in a relationship because their emotional needs are not as great as the other person. In the affair, the other man was in control...in my current situation, I am in control because my emotions are not as deep as his.

 

You were right though, Brad Pitt nor any other man would ever turn my head, much less anything else over the last year or so. The person I am with has been extremely patient and helpful. He also went through a divorce over a decade ago. He had an affair also, but not as lengthy as mine. He went back into his marriage and tried to work it out over about 2 years and then divorced. The woman that he had the affair with had remarried by then. He knows about my affair and understands a great deal. When he divorced, he had a 5 year plan about not getting involved with anyone. It has been about 15 and I think he worries about my "5 year plan"! lol

 

Who knows how it will all end up! I think that it has been a most interesting journey and I am the wiser for it. It has just surprised me how many persons have been in this situation....

[No longer naive]

It's not unlike having a very attractive lover who was superb in bed and you both ran on all cylinders.

 

Been there. I find myself looking for someone just like him. My life long goal has developed into ---- When I'm 82, I hope that I will still be chasing the little old man down the boardwalk! ---- My parents are a bit like that and they have been married to each other for almost 53 years! I laugh at them and tell them that it is not fair that they have such a wonderful relationship. As they flirt with one another, I usually smile and tell them to "get a room!" My Dad is 81 and my Mom is 72. Disgusting isn't it! lol