Old Flames

[terrific]

Today I read this quote.... "When former lovers meet they have to exert themselves consciously to control their feelings and not pursue the relationship. They cannot meet just once and reminisce about the old times, and not ignite former feelings. Simply believing their love for their current partner will stop them is not enough.".....This makes me wonder if an affair ever truly ends. I have read over and over about a longing for the affair partner, be it man or woman, married or single....and how months or years later one partner will contact the other. Even though I am in No Contact with my AP, part of me wonders if he and I will always have a strong draw to each other and if we are both separately going through the motions to function and lead a normal life. I cannot imagine seeing him in passing, even after all this time and not having some of the feelings resurface.

[jennie-jennie]

Interesting thoughts. It could very well be so.

 

I am myself in a rekindled love relationship, started anew after 31 years. Totally mind-blowing experience.

[terrific]

Jennie...are both of you married? I am married and he is not. The feelings are not dying even though my husband and I are working very hard. I keeping thinking more time will help, but I wonder, it had been years since this man and I had seen each other to begin with.

[jj33]

Terrific its interesting to read your post as I have been out of the A for 3 years. I am still in contact with him (but very very rarely nowadays) for work. I have cut off every avenue of non essential business communication and yet and yet...

 

If he walked in tomorrow with a huge apology for his behavior over the past year, a divorce decree and proof that the "him" that I saw in the last year was an aberration, I would pursue a relationship with him. I know he still has strong feelings for me and we when we run into each other its always odd. Cocktail party small talk is bizarre after all that we have been through but at this point in time anything else would be inappropriate.

 

Hes married I am not.

[terrific]

I wonder if it is equally a man/woman thing...or if it is how it is compartmentalized? I have told myself a thousand different times that it is over, but still there is that part of me.......

[jennie-jennie]

Jennie...are both of you married? I am married and he is not. The feelings are not dying even though my husband and I are working very hard. I keeping thinking more time will help, but I wonder, it had been years since this man and I had seen each other to begin with.

 

I did have a SO (the father of my children, 25 year relationship) at the time my MM contacted me. I did have one foot out of the door already though. So I was open for restarting the old relationship.

 

I ended the relationship with my SO after yet a year and a half.

 

The first year or so of our relationship my MM tried to end our relationship every so often for the sake of his family but he just couldn't. Our bond is too strong.

 

We have been together five years now, but he is still in limbo, unable to let go of either the marriage or me.

[terrific]

I don't know, I just think the feelings don't ever truly go away. Maybe we get better at controlling them or hiding them, but I am starting to think they will always be there to some degree. It almost terrifies me to think of it, but it has been months and that man is the first thing I wake up thinking about....

[jj33]

I know xMM is a master of compartmentalization and he hasnt been able to compartmentalize this and it frustrates and angers him that he cant let it go. It happens. People make choices but it doesnt mean they dont look back at the road not taken. I used to think that the fact that he couldnt get past it meant he would leave one day but now I no longer believe that. It haunts him as it haunts me and probably will until one of us meets someone else that really puts this in the realm of ancient history.

[Shakz]

This must be a chick thing. I run into former lovers all the time and haven't had the slightest interest in rekindling the romance. There might be a little flirting sometimes, and even a couple of outright invitations, but nah, been there, done that.

[terrific]

Wow, Shakz, I am in my mid 40's and have not thought of myself as a "chick" in a long time.....I almost feel youngish.....seriously, I don't know, there seem to be an awful lot of men thinking of women other than their wives, and if you read over on the "coping" thread, there are a lot of heartbroken men pining away for the ex-lover.

[jennie-jennie]

This must be a chick thing. I run into former lovers all the time and haven't had the slightest interest in rekindling the romance. There might be a little flirting sometimes, and even a couple of outright invitations, but nah, been there, done that.

 

The key is supposed to be that the relationship ended not of your own doing, but of circumstances of life. And also I believe the bond and the emotions are stronger if the relationship was in your younger years.

 

Terrific, was that the case for you and your OM?

[bentnotbroken]

Sounds like the article was talking about people with no self control. Mind posting the link?

[terrific]

Well, we never dated when we were younger. Actually we could hardly stand eachother. I met my husband in HS and married him at 20. The OM and I reconnected at a local town function and the feelings were immediately intense. Maybe the strong dislike when we were younger was some immature love/hate thing. I have no idea. We actually ended it because he was starting to feel guilty. My husband travels extensively for his job and I am raising our kids in the life that they are accustomed too. My husband is a good man, and is unaware of the affair, I am sure I will get beat up for that, but I have no intentions of telling him. The OM and I have/had very very strong feelings for each other. How did it end. Well it ended over coffee, with him telling me he wished my marriage was over and that he wanted me single and that he needed time to clear his head. We held hands, kissed goodbye, no crying and actually it felt as if we were going to see each other again in a few days. I sent him an email and told him how deeply I cared for him and that I wanted him to be happy and would not be contacting him again. I have not.....did we sever all ties, no. We both know exactly how to get in touch with the other. I will not be contacting him, but I will be honest and say that I do not know if I will turn away if he contacts me. I will say that the older I get, I am very aware of my emotions, I am not a young girl with an infatuation. I know exactly how I feel.

[September]

I know xMM is a master of compartmentalization and he hasnt been able to compartmentalize this and it frustrates and angers him that he cant let it go. It happens. People make choices but it doesnt mean they dont look back at the road not taken. I used to think that the fact that he couldnt get past it meant he would leave one day but now I no longer believe that. It haunts him as it haunts me and probably will until one of us meets someone else that really puts this in the realm of ancient history.

 

Couldn't agree more...I would love to meet someone else, even if just to get out and have some fun instead of sitting around thinking about the "what if's". Some form is a distraction would be great!

[fooled once]

Today I read this quote.... "When former lovers meet they have to exert themselves consciously to control their feelings and not pursue the relationship. They cannot meet just once and reminisce about the old times, and not ignite former feelings. Simply believing their love for their current partner will stop them is not enough.".....This makes me wonder if an affair ever truly ends. I have read over and over about a longing for the affair partner, be it man or woman, married or single....and how months or years later one partner will contact the other. Even though I am in No Contact with my AP, part of me wonders if he and I will always have a strong draw to each other and if we are both separately going through the motions to function and lead a normal life. I cannot imagine seeing him in passing, even after all this time and not having some of the feelings resurface.

 

Sorry terrific, but that quote is so inaccurate to me.

 

I have no deep longing for desire for my ex husband. I have no secret feelings for him.

 

I also spoke years ago to the MM I was in an affair with. At no time did I sit and wish we could be together. At no time did I have feel love for him.

 

I know many women who are divorced and remarried. Not one of them is saddened when they deal with their ex. Not one of them is holding a secret love for them.

 

Maybe it happens with some people with affairs because many times, the OW/OM doesn't end the affair; it is ended because the Married Person chose the family/spouse or chose to end the affair?

[Shakz]

The key is supposed to be that the relationship ended not of your own doing, but of circumstances of life. And also I believe the bond and the emotions are stronger if the relationship was in your younger years.

 

Terrific, was that the case for you and your OM?

 

Other than death can you give me an example of how "the circumstances of life" can end a relationship?? How can a relationship end if not by the effort of one or both parties?

 

No, I do not believe the emotional bonds are stronger in the young; if anything, they are weaker.

 

I have had many affairs that have ended amicably, some painfully, and one tragically. I've suffered and rejoiced over the beginning and ending of love affairs, but I've never clung to the memory of any of them. I guess time heals my wounds faster than it does others.

Edited August 27, 2010 by Shakz

[terrific]

I will try to find the link... I actually stumbled on it by accident and sent the quote to someone else and had to copy and paste it here from that message....I am wondering if it is in reference to a past romance that was not acted on? I really don't know, I put it out there just for discussion, not expecting everyone to have the same feelings or experiences.

[terrific]

This isn't the right link, but sort of the same thing....

http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/199309/rekindling-old-flames

[jennie-jennie]

Other than death can you give me an example of how "the circumstances of life" can end a relationship?? How can a relationship end if not by the effort of one or both parties?

 

No, I do not believe the emotional bonds are stronger in the young; if anything, they are weaker.

 

I have had many affairs that have ended amicably, some painfully, and one tragically. I've suffered and rejoiced over the beginning and ending of love affairs, but I've never clung to the memory of any of them. I guess time heals my wounds faster than it does others.

 

Well, in my case we were only 15 and my family moved far away. On top of that, when my MM tried to reconnect with me some years later, I had moved once again, and his letter got "returned to sender". Just as an example of circumstances you do not have control over.

 

From what I have read, rekindled young love gives you access once again to the stronger hormonal chemicals once there in your youth. That is why it is so very hard to resist.

[jennie-jennie]

Sorry terrific, but that quote is so inaccurate to me.

 

I have no deep longing for desire for my ex husband. I have no secret feelings for him.

 

I also spoke years ago to the MM I was in an affair with. At no time did I sit and wish we could be together. At no time did I have feel love for him.

 

I know many women who are divorced and remarried. Not one of them is saddened when they deal with their ex. Not one of them is holding a secret love for them.

 

Maybe it happens with some people with affairs because many times, the OW/OM doesn't end the affair; it is ended because the Married Person chose the family/spouse or chose to end the affair?

 

An affair seldom ends because the love is gone. It is outer circumstances that impede the relationship. This is very different from most relationships.

 

I understand you were done, FO, with your MM. But not everyone is.

 

And from what I have read it is harder for the MP to move on if it is he/she who has ended the relationship, and not the OW/OM. The marriage then often becomes an empty shell marriage.

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

Sorry terrific, but that quote is so inaccurate to me.

 

I have no deep longing for desire for my ex husband. I have no secret feelings for him.

 

I also spoke years ago to the MM I was in an affair with. At no time did I sit and wish we could be together. At no time did I have feel love for him.

 

I know many women who are divorced and remarried. Not one of them is saddened when they deal with their ex. Not one of them is holding a secret love for them.

 

Maybe it happens with some people with affairs because many times, the OW/OM doesn't end the affair; it is ended because the Married Person chose the family/spouse or chose to end the affair?

 

Yes I think with affairs that are forced to end suddenly there is always that feeling of unfinished business and lack of closure. This would explain why my strong feelings for the xMM I was involved with were rekindled after sudden contact from him recently after a long time of NC, just when I thought I had done a lot of healing and despite still holding a torch for him in the back of my mind, until the random contact a few weeks ago I had done my best to move forward with my life. It has surprised me just how upset he can still manage to make me feel even though I have not seen him for 2 years.

[terrific]

Two years? Wow....that seems like a long time. Well, I just found it an interesting theory. Not saying it will be the same for everyone or that all AP's make contact again. This is not a subject that I can actually sit and discuss with all the ladies at coffee...so I thought I would put it out here....time for ice cream and a good book

[stillafool]

Interesting thoughts. It could very well be so.

 

I am myself in a rekindled love relationship, started anew after 31 years. Totally mind-blowing experience.

 

Really Jennie? Wow, was he your first love or the love of your life? I'm so happy for you. I think we all have someone in our past (or I do) that you still have the thought "what if" but few of us ever get a second chance because of obvious circumstances.

[Minnie09]

I believe that especially with affairs this is very likely to happen.

You never got to experience a real life together, thus you will always have the what-if-thoughts on your mind. Affairs are unfinished projects, thriving in the dark, and have little to do with reality. If they end, because they have to, it's usually not a free choice. It's because something ended them (guilty feelings, getting busted and whatnot). For this reason, the former APs will always carry that lingering, the grass would have been greener feeling within them. And as a consequence, if they do meet again, the temptation will be even stronger to finish the unfinished project, which will never be finished. But hey! Here we go again! Because it was so good, and we were so good together, despite all the unfortunate conditions and circumstances we had to deal with!

 

If a "real" R/M ends, e.g. with D, it's more likely to be a clear, clean cut, unless there is some bottled-up resentment or other stuff going on, but I'm sure the desire to rekindle is weaker, if the occasion arises for whatever reason. Former spouses just know more about what the R is/was like in reality.

[TOWinNYC]

Today I read this quote.... "When former lovers meet they have to exert themselves consciously to control their feelings and not pursue the relationship. They cannot meet just once and reminisce about the old times, and not ignite former feelings. Simply believing their love for their current partner will stop them is not enough.".....This makes me wonder if an affair ever truly ends. I have read over and over about a longing for the affair partner, be it man or woman, married or single....and how months or years later one partner will contact the other. Even though I am in No Contact with my AP, part of me wonders if he and I will always have a strong draw to each other and if we are both separately going through the motions to function and lead a normal life. I cannot imagine seeing him in passing, even after all this time and not having some of the feelings resurface.

 

Terrific-

I think it depends on what kind of lovers you were and how the break up happened. I've had relationships where I loved the person but wasn't "in love" with them anymore - so when I ended it, I was DONE. Of course there were tears and it was difficult when he would call....but I had no intention (or desire) to rekindle anything. So the door remained closed.

 

I think the difference is in affair relationships, a lot of times one person decides (or both agree) to end things but are still "in love" with each other. This makes things difficult even while in NC. Years can pass and the underlying love still remains. So when that exAP knocks, you're compelled to answer the door.

 

I think the only thing that can trump that is to find someone else you're even more "in love" with than your exAP. The problem with that is....it's hard to find that kind of magic with just ANYONE.