Old Flames

[Mousenotminnie]

2Sure, I believe the reason I still carried a torch for my First Love and thought about him over the past 22 years is because he is my soul mate and what he and I share was and still is TRUE LOVE. When I look at him I see the same person I fell in love with and he has become the man I always dreamed he'd be when I would imagine us growing old together. And it's even better because I didn't have to deal with all the trial and errors while he matured into this wonderful man he is today.

[TOWinNYC]

That's it, really. I had been through many relationships after "the one" - but that one was truly a diamond. Rare and beautiful. It's always haunted me. And it's been 30 years, and I was 19 when we met. I am now married over 20 years. I swear I have always been faithful to my wife, even though I had chances not to be. I'm faithful still, but truly having torn thoughts.

 

Unified - I don't know what has been going on since "last spring" between the two of you but I'm going to assume there has been a lot of contact. If you really REALLY think she was "the one" - you owe it to yourself to be with her.

 

BUT (and this is a HUGE BUT) take care of business at home FIRST.

 

Meaning, don't drag her into your messy M'd life - EA's turn into PA's and it becomes very very complicated. Get divorced if you want to even "explore" the possibility of being with her. After 20 years, I'm sure the kids are grown but there are assets and obligations, etc.

 

If you're not willing to do this, if the D isn't "worth it" then you should walk away and stop responding to her. I know you said you don't want to "lose her again" but if she was and is SO important to you, you should be able to show up in front of her without any baggage - as a single man who actually means it when you say "I want us to try again".

 

Good luck.

[GreenEyedLady]

I guess I am just weird.

 

I think an X is an X for a reason.

 

Once they are out of sight they are out of heart and out of mind.

 

And then when I see them later in life, I wonder WTH I was thinking.

 

GEL

[UnifiedFieldTheory]

Unified - I don't know what has been going on since "last spring" between the two of you but I'm going to assume there has been a lot of contact. If you really REALLY think she was "the one" - you owe it to yourself to be with her.

 

BUT (and this is a HUGE BUT) take care of business at home FIRST.

 

Meaning, don't drag her into your messy M'd life - EA's turn into PA's and it becomes very very complicated. Get divorced if you want to even "explore" the possibility of being with her. After 20 years, I'm sure the kids are grown but there are assets and obligations, etc.

 

If you're not willing to do this, if the D isn't "worth it" then you should walk away and stop responding to her. I know you said you don't want to "lose her again" but if she was and is SO important to you, you should be able to show up in front of her without any baggage - as a single man who actually means it when you say "I want us to try again".

 

Good luck.

 

There was initially contact via e-mail and then a phone call. In the second phone call I said "we can't do this". That was months ago. She understands and respects the place we both are in. We are both married. There has been no contact since. But now, I am currently trying to figure out what to do. I will not be a cheater. I've recently said to my wife that I won't leave her for an affair - which I've never had. I'll just leave. (We have our own issues, and they don't include a third party.) It would be ridiculous for me to get a divorce with the expectation of the "love of my life" getting one too.

 

So, if all the above sounds like I am resolved to maintain a strong character, now I must say that I'm having trouble resisting contact. But I am.

 

And thank you for saying I owe it to myself to be with her. I appreciate that. One the one hand I have just a few good years left in my life - I'm not sick or anything - just old. I want them to be good years. I'm trying to find the spark that was once in my marriage. Now it's become even more difficult.

Edited September 3, 2010 by UnifiedFieldTheory
additional thoughts

[BB07]

UFT said......

There was initially contact via e-mail and then a phone call. In the second phone call I said "we can't do this". That was months ago. She understands and respects the place we both are in. We are both married. There has been no contact since. But now, I am currently trying to figure out what to do. I will not be a cheater. I've recently said to my wife that I won't leave her for an affair - which I've never had. I'll just leave. (We have our own issues, and they don't include a third party.) It would be ridiculous for me to get a divorce with the expectation of the "love of my life" getting one too.

 

The sentence I bolded above from your post, says it all. She isn't all that to you, or you would take that chance, but you are not willing to take that risk. So IMO, the best thing you can do is just accept the reality of your life and start living it instead of fantasizing about something that you aren't willing to do anything about. I know what I've said sounds harsh, but you are the one who is NOT WILLING to risk it as you so clearly stated. Don't drag her into a impossible situation, because I suspect if you and her started an affair, you still wouldn't walk away. You don't want to risk what you have now. So work on what you have NOW.

So, if all the above sounds like I am resolved to maintain a strong character, now I must say that I'm having trouble resisting contact. But I am.

 

And thank you for saying I owe it to myself to be with her. I appreciate that. One the one hand I have just a few good years left in my life - I'm not sick or anything - just old. I want them to be good years. I'm trying to find the spark that was once in my marriage. Now it's become even more difficult.

 

Edited to add...........if you truly, truly love her, then DON'T drag her into the mess of an affair and all the pain that will result for everyone.

Edited September 3, 2010 by BB07

[UnifiedFieldTheory]

UFT said......

 

Edited to add...........if you truly, truly love her, then DON'T drag her into the mess of an affair and all the pain that will result for everyone.

 

I truly do love her to this very day. That is why I will not drag her into an affair. That is why I will not get a divorce hoping that she will too. Maybe she can work her issues in her current marriage out for herself. She doesn't need the distraction of me in the back of her mind. Being the child of divorce I wouldn't wish to be the impetus of the pain that causes either. And that is love.

 

You see? Sometimes life's practicalities have to overcome love. I don' know if I can remain so logical. If she were to e-mail me and say she was separated and planning a divorce, that would make my decision for me.

[BB07]

I truly do love her to this very day. That is why I will not drag her into an affair. That is why I will not get a divorce hoping that she will too. Maybe she can work her issues in her current marriage out for herself. She doesn't need the distraction of me in the back of her mind. Being the child of divorce I wouldn't wish to be the impetus of the pain that causes either. And that is love.

 

You see? Sometimes life's practicalities have to overcome love. I don' know if I can remain so logical. If she were to e-mail me and say she was separated and planning a divorce, that would make my decision for me.

 

You shouldn't ever make your decisions based on someone's actions. That is just so WRONG!

 

Are you having a EA affair with her? If you are, you've already crossed a line.

[UnifiedFieldTheory]

You shouldn't ever make your decisions based on someone's actions. That is just so WRONG!

 

Are you having a EA affair with her? If you are, you've already crossed a line.

 

 

BB, Many people make decisions because of the actions of others. Case in point, the divorce section here on LS. Sometimes it's right. Sometimes it's wrong. Please, read my earlier posts. After two phone calls I said it had to stop. And it has - for months now.

[BB07]

BB, Many people make decisions because of the actions of others. Case in point, the divorce section here on LS. Sometimes it's right. Sometimes it's wrong. Please, read my earlier posts. After two phone calls I said it had to stop. And it has - for months now.

 

OK, sorry that I missed that you had stopped it.

 

That's good that you did, but are you still in contact with her by other means?

 

Yes others actions have a bearing on our own decisions but you said, that IF she got a divorce then that would be your deciding factor. That's giving her a whole lot of power in YOUR life, don't ya think? Which leads me to believe that your life isn't that unhappy to start with, or else you would do something about it, independent of her decisions.

[UnifiedFieldTheory]

OK, sorry that I missed that you had stopped it.

 

That's good that you did, but are you still in contact with her by other means?

 

Yes others actions have a bearing on our own decisions but you said, that IF she got a divorce then that would be your deciding factor. That's giving her a whole lot of power in YOUR life, don't ya think? Which leads me to believe that your life isn't that unhappy to start with, or else you would do something about it, independent of her decisions.

 

BB, of course she has power over my life life. She has - to a degree - for about 30 years. And, married to one who is a substance abuser (it's like she's having an affair with another person) I can assure you, I don't live a life full of rainbows. Here's the rub. There were very good reasons why I asked my wife to marry me. I saw much in her. I can remember them, and because of that, I owe her something. She needs help, and I can give it to her but she has to help herself first and foremost. But my helping her is taking its toll on me. It's kind of like a perfect storm that my college love contacted me at this time - weird kind of fate, really.

 

I'm in no contact by any means with this person.

 

If you please, what's your story? I've been looking, but I can't find out why you are here on LS.

[BB07]

BB, of course she has power over my life life. She has - to a degree - for about 30 years. And, married to one who is a substance abuser (it's like she's having an affair with another person) I can assure you, I don't live a life full of rainbows. Here's the rub. There were very good reasons why I asked my wife to marry me. I saw much in her. I can remember them, and because of that, I owe her something. She needs help, and I can give it to her but she has to help herself first and foremost. But my helping her is taking its toll on me. It's kind of like a perfect storm that my college love contacted me at this time - weird kind of fate, really.

 

I'm in no contact by any means with this person.

 

If you please, what's your story? I've been looking, but I can't find out why you are here on LS.

 

I'm sorry you are having such a hard time in your life.......hugs to you.

 

And it takes a lot of very strong character to leave something alone that you really, really want but you are able to see that the price would be too high. So give yourself pats on that back, lots of them.

 

You can click on peoples names and there is an option to look at all past posts and that why you can usually find some history, but since you asked, I'll try to give you a short version of it.

 

The first part of my story, is what I thought it was, it was not the reality. The hard cold true reality came a couple of months ago, so bear with me for a few.

 

In 2004 I got involved with a man who I had worked with, who had a sterling rep at work, was well liked, seemed to be a wonderful man. He told me that his 6 month marriage was a big mistake and so they had split up. He and I fell head over heels, but a few months later, he told me he had to go back, "because it was the right thing to do." He told me he would not stay and I believed it.

 

So this is where I crossed a line and it gets murky.......we continued seeing each other for about another year, yes while I knew he was married. I eventually walked, but I didn't really let go, always told myself that some day we'd get another chance.

 

Fast forward to Jan. 2008, he told me that he had moved out, they separated. So Sept of 2008, we started dating, it was a long distance relationship because by that time he was living 2 1/2 hours away from me. I have unusual family obligations, (a special needs child), so my free time is limited and he told me that he was working a 2nd job on the weekends, so I took what I could get and saw him a couple of times during the week. Well about a year into it, I felt as if something wasn't right, but when I would ask questions he was very good at explaining it away. (Should have listened to my gut).

Last fall, things came to a head and he told me that his stbx was causing him all sorts of trouble, blah, blah, blah. So we had to go underground, I couldn't meet his family yet, oh the lies were very good and very elaborate.

In Jan of this year, his (what I thought was his stbx) found me on facebook, starting digging into me, throwing insults, etc. Well he explained all that away to, but something kept telling me everything was not quite like he said. So on July 3rd, I snapped. I had had enough of her digs at me and I was thinking, geez woman, get over it, you two have been split up for way over a year, so I pretty much told her that in a post on my website. Well the next morning I woke up to find an email from her, saying if what I said, was true, then her and I needed to talk.

 

Talk, we did for several days. Her husband who everyone thinks is such a wonderful man, had been living a double life. Living his married life with her on the weekends, seeing me during the week. Nice uh! That actually had separated in April of this year, but of course I knew nothing of it, I thought they had been split up for 2 years. Her and I were told so many lies, that it's sickening, and it's gut wrenching. He played me, played her. I even found out the 1st separation was a lie too, it never happened either.

 

You can find the thread about it, under my name. His wife posted there too. Her and I are still in touch and remain friends on some levels. She was very gracious and kind to me, because she knows that I was duped to the max by this "wonderful man". She even forgave me for the affair that I willingly participated in with him several years ago.

 

So there it is.........my story in a nutshell.

[pureinheart]

When H and I were having a real bad time in our marriage, I met my XH at a conference. We had parted amicably 30 years ago, I had things to do with my life, he wanted a SAHW, no big drama, just two young people married at the wrong time. We had a laugh reminiscing, I was flattered that he thought I hadn't changed a bit and that he still found me attractive. A part of me wondered if we had met and I wasn't married, would I? Answer was, a definite yes and it would have been great. I didn't because I was married, even though we were going through a really bad time, to have an A would have been just adding to complications. I saw him a few times after in conferences and he wanted to meet, but I knew if I did that there would be no going back and that it would end my marriage. I chose to put my energies into my marriage and then found out H was having an A! bloody ironic really.

 

I think of my XH with fondness and acknowledge that if there was another one then he would be it. I think I have conviniently swept aside how he could bore me at times, yet on paper we have far more in common as people than me and H - yet H has my heart.

 

Wow Seren, I can really relate to this...I have one exH that I was extremely fond of and because of the kids we have talked throughout the years...I was tempted, we were both single, although deep down in my heart I knew it was over and didn't want to disrupt his life in any way...he did want to reconcile, although I did not trust me:)...it's not always the best thing to act on emotion.

[UnifiedFieldTheory]

I'm sorry you are having such a hard time in your life.......hugs to you.

 

And it takes a lot of very strong character to leave something alone that you really, really want but you are able to see that the price would be too high. So give yourself pats on that back, lots of them.

 

You can click on peoples names and there is an option to look at all past posts and that why you can usually find some history, but since you asked, I'll try to give you a short version of it.

 

The first part of my story, is what I thought it was, it was not the reality. The hard cold true reality came a couple of months ago, so bear with me for a few.

 

In 2004 I got involved with a man who I had worked with, who had a sterling rep at work, was well liked, seemed to be a wonderful man. He told me that his 6 month marriage was a big mistake and so they had split up. He and I fell head over heels, but a few months later, he told me he had to go back, "because it was the right thing to do." He told me he would not stay and I believed it.

 

So this is where I crossed a line and it gets murky.......we continued seeing each other for about another year, yes while I knew he was married. I eventually walked, but I didn't really let go, always told myself that some day we'd get another chance.

 

Fast forward to Jan. 2008, he told me that he had moved out, they separated. So Sept of 2008, we started dating, it was a long distance relationship because by that time he was living 2 1/2 hours away from me. I have unusual family obligations, (a special needs child), so my free time is limited and he told me that he was working a 2nd job on the weekends, so I took what I could get and saw him a couple of times during the week. Well about a year into it, I felt as if something wasn't right, but when I would ask questions he was very good at explaining it away. (Should have listened to my gut).

Last fall, things came to a head and he told me that his stbx was causing him all sorts of trouble, blah, blah, blah. So we had to go underground, I couldn't meet his family yet, oh the lies were very good and very elaborate.

In Jan of this year, his (what I thought was his stbx) found me on facebook, starting digging into me, throwing insults, etc. Well he explained all that away to, but something kept telling me everything was not quite like he said. So on July 3rd, I snapped. I had had enough of her digs at me and I was thinking, geez woman, get over it, you two have been split up for way over a year, so I pretty much told her that in a post on my website. Well the next morning I woke up to find an email from her, saying if what I said, was true, then her and I needed to talk.

 

Talk, we did for several days. Her husband who everyone thinks is such a wonderful man, had been living a double life. Living his married life with her on the weekends, seeing me during the week. Nice uh! That actually had separated in April of this year, but of course I knew nothing of it, I thought they had been split up for 2 years. Her and I were told so many lies, that it's sickening, and it's gut wrenching. He played me, played her. I even found out the 1st separation was a lie too, it never happened either.

 

You can find the thread about it, under my name. His wife posted there too. Her and I are still in touch and remain friends on some levels. She was very gracious and kind to me, because she knows that I was duped to the max by this "wonderful man". She even forgave me for the affair that I willingly participated in with him several years ago.

 

So there it is.........my story in a nutshell.

 

 

Thanks, being new here I haven't yet learned how to navigate the site.

 

I'm so sorry for your situation. I have to say, we see all kinds of deceptions in the world, but I just don't get it. I have never understood how people can hurt others so easily. I have never understood how the most hard to understand emotion "love" can be so easily used against someone. I highly value character. I believe in the high value of a promise. I'm so sorry you've been hurt by one you loved. That's the worst.

 

As far as pats on the back for me - in a way, I feel like a fool. I've thought about this love of mine from college for years and years. When she comes back into my life (albeit for a short time) I was right back where I was - completely in love with this woman. Now that I've said we shouldn't communicate, I'm hurt all over again.

[BB07]

Thanks, being new here I haven't yet learned how to navigate the site.

 

I'm so sorry for your situation. I have to say, we see all kinds of deceptions in the world, but I just don't get it. I have never understood how people can hurt others so easily. I have never understood how the most hard to understand emotion "love" can be so easily used against someone. I highly value character. I believe in the high value of a promise. I'm so sorry you've been hurt by one you loved. That's the worst.

 

As far as pats on the back for me - in a way, I feel like a fool. I've thought about this love of mine from college for years and years. When she comes back into my life (albeit for a short time) I was right back where I was - completely in love with this woman. Now that I've said we shouldn't communicate, I'm hurt all over again.

 

Wish I could say something to make you feel better.

 

I know you feel like you are on a roller coaster now, but with no contact the ride will smooth out. You are doing the right thing, even though it's a struggle you know it's right.

I still struggle with my situation and there are times when my heart has not caught up with the good sense in my head. Cowardice and conflict avoidance is the root of my xmm's issues. If the truth hadn't came out, I would have been living a lie, because of his lies. He said that he knew it would all come out sooner or later, but he was in so deep that he didn't know how to get out and the lies got deeper and bigger.

 

Try to put it out of your mind as much as possible. I do admire your strength and fortitude of not putting yourself and her in a affair situation. No good would come out of it, and it would just bring more hurt and pain to all parties. BTW.......it's very easy to think that if she was divorced that you would go to her, the truth is, you have a lot of complications in your life and it would be very hard for you to actually walk. I'm not saying you wouldn't, but it would not be easy.

 

Life is just very hard sometimes, believe me I know. Hang around and keep posting if it is something that helps you work through this time in your life. You've probably read enough to know that affairs hardly ever turn out well for anyone. At least here on LS.

[UnifiedFieldTheory]

Wish I could say something to make you feel better.

 

I know you feel like you are on a roller coaster now, but with no contact the ride will smooth out. You are doing the right thing, even though it's a struggle you know it's right.

I still struggle with my situation and there are times when my heart has not caught up with the good sense in my head. Cowardice and conflict avoidance is the root of my xmm's issues. If the truth hadn't came out, I would have been living a lie, because of his lies. He said that he knew it would all come out sooner or later, but he was in so deep that he didn't know how to get out and the lies got deeper and bigger.

 

Try to put it out of your mind as much as possible. I do admire your strength and fortitude of not putting yourself and her in a affair situation. No good would come out of it, and it would just bring more hurt and pain to all parties. BTW.......it's very easy to think that if she was divorced that you would go to her, the truth is, you have a lot of complications in your life and it would be very hard for you to actually walk. I'm not saying you wouldn't, but it would not be easy.

 

Life is just very hard sometimes, believe me I know. Hang around and keep posting if it is something that helps you work through this time in your life. You've probably read enough to know that affairs hardly ever turn out well for anyone. At least here on LS.

 

Thank you, BB. I know affairs hardly ever turn out well for anyone. It would be hard for me to walk, but I should also say that just one month ago, I was sitting down with lawyers and discussing the divorce process. I was looking in the papers for an apartment. I was very close. Prior to that, for four days in a row, my W had passed out on the living room floor. I had enough, and the next morning, I told her to pack and leave. She did, and stayed away for three weeks. It's then that I was making plans to get out.

 

And no good would come out of me having an affair. Not only would it hurt my W, eventually it would hurt the OW and me. I understand that. I don't need any more complications or hurt than I already have. My plate is full. My conscience is full due to other issues. Once again, thanks. I'll be around.

[SoMovinOn]

There were very good reasons why I asked my wife to marry me. I saw much in her. I can remember them, and because of that, I owe her something. She needs help, and I can give it to her but she has to help herself first and foremost. But my helping her is taking its toll on me. It's kind of like a perfect storm that my college love contacted me at this time - weird kind of fate, really.

 

Your situation and my situation are SO similar. The main difference is I am having an affair with my old flame, and have decided to divorce my wife.

 

I don't know how it will work out for you, I wish you the best. For me, my wife needed help too. I did everything I could to help her. It did take a toll on me. It frustrated me that I couldn't. I kept trying anyway. I tried to get her to seek professional help. I did everything I could to make that easier for her. She repeatedly refused.

 

I finally gave in to the idea I was beating a dead horse. I threw in the towel and talked to her about us splitting up. She agreed. ... and then she sought professional help. Then... she realized how us splitting up would change her life. She got scared. Now she wants to stay. Sort of.

 

It's a mess. Ideal would be - I get divorced, she gets divorced, we get together and see how it goes from there. The problem is, we're just too comfortable together, too perfect together. Neither of us sees staying apart as an option. It probably plays a big role, that we both know we're not going to stay where we are.

[Fieldsofgold]

I read a blurb in a magazine the other day that referenced research recently published in a professional journal of psychology (I don't remember which one.)

 

In summary it said that research showed people who tried to win someone they loved, but didn't for whatever reason, were willing to go to extreme lengths to have a second chance to win that person. If they then did win the person and moved into a full-time relationship with no interferences and no outside challenges, 78% of the time they weren't as happy as they thought they'd be, and were actually willing to walk away.

 

The summary basically said, if you're pining for a person. . . You might not be as happy as you think you'd be if you actually got them.

 

I thought about this in relation to the very topic of this thread, and also wondered if it explains MM who leave and then go back?

 

(Maybe it should be a topic for a new thread, but it seemed to fit here, too.)

 

Maybe it would also explain why, after we've married and divorced someone, that *generally* that pining for them never happens.

Edited September 4, 2010 by Fieldsofgold

[jennie-jennie]

I read a blurb in a magazine the other day that referenced research recently published in a professional journal of psychology (I don't remember which one.)

 

In summary it said that research showed people who tried to win someone they loved, but didn't for whatever reason, were willing to go to extreme lengths to have a second chance to win that person. If they then did win the person and moved into a full-time relationship with no interferences and no outside challenges, 78% of the time they weren't as happy as they thought they'd be, and were actually willing to walk away.

The summary basically said, if you're pining for a person. . . You might not be as happy as you think you'd be if you actually got them.

 

I thought about this in relation to the very topic of this thread, and also wondered if it explains MM who leave and then go back?

 

(Maybe it should be a topic for a new thread, but it seemed to fit here, too.)

 

Maybe it would also explain why, after we've married and divorced someone, that *generally* that pining for them never happens.

 

Looks like it is time to repost an old post of mine:

I found some statistics online after googling studies of lost-and-found-love.

 

One study of 1600 plus lost-love reunions from 2005 showed that 62% were extramarital affairs, as opposed to an earlier study where it was only 30%. Internet is the explanation of the increase.

Another study of 1000 lost-and-found lovers showed that 75% were still together after a decade. When these lovers married each other, the divorce rate after 4 years was 1.5%, which should be compared to that for any second marriage which is almost 25% after 5 years.

 

It looks pretty encouraging for those of us in rekindled love affairs. What one would need is of course a study of only lost-and-love extramarital relationships and their success versus failure rates, but this is what I found so far.

 

There is a dark side of this of course:

 

"Lost-love reunions may linger in limbo—or they may destroy marriages. 'The true victims are the spouses who never saw it coming,' Kalish says....

 

Most spouses don't realize the risk when a partner announces that first e-mail from an old high-school friend, says Kalish, but if the friend is of the opposite sex, alarm bells should go off. Likewise, she says, 'if you're married, think long and hard before contacting that first love. Your life may be forever changed.'"

 

(The above stats and the quote are taken from an article in Pshycology Today, 2006/06: "Lost Love: Guess Who's Back?")