LDR Gone Terribly Wrong Long Story

[IStandAlone90]

You both are right. I think she just scared of losing her father love and him taking everything away from her. She told me though when she is ready she will contact authority. I'll be supportive I know she stress out. She just needs to get her thoughts together. Yes maybe she should of said something a long time but what done is done. She right now has a clearer thought of what to do and she just needs time. And she is not lying about this situation. I know I might sound biased but you guys really do not know what she been through.

[TaraMaiden]

Ok, look, I will happily give you the benefit of the doubt. But brace yourself for some major disappointment, kid. because I can't see any good coming of this waiting lark. Good luck.

[IStandAlone90]

Ok, look, I will happily give you the benefit of the doubt. But brace yourself for some major disappointment, kid. because I can't see any good coming of this waiting lark. Good luck.

 

We are both bracing our selves for the worst. But the advice you guys have given us has giving us hope. Me and her will get through this. I guess maybe no one would understand that other then me and her. She just feels like if she does go to authority she will be betraying her dad cause he has basically giving her life.So she feels like she owes him her life. Yes we know its not right and she does not owe anyone anything.But it's her dad and she loves him a lot.It's understandable. She just needs time.Trust me I will like for her to contact authority like right now. But if she needs me to be supportive and give her time then I will. I never trusted anyone else in my life like I've trusted her. And I'm not going to stop trusting her now.

 

But thanks for your support and your guys advice.It helped a lot.

[Double Helix]

Hi OP,

 

I just registered to be able to reply to this post. I didnt read everything but from what I understood your gf is supposed to get married in Germany?

 

Do you/ does she know that a special "marriage visa" is required if she is not from the EU? I dont really know which documents are needed for such a visa, but she has to e.g. take a german test and show a basic knowledge of German. I know non EU citizens who wanted to marry Germans and could not do so (at least not in Germany they had to marry in a different EU country) because they did not fulfill certain criteria, e.g. did not have any knowledge of German.

 

It is not possible for her father to just send her "for a holiday" (on a holiday-visa) to Germany and just marry her off there. This sounds VERY weird to me.

 

Unless these laws have changed and I have missed it, if this is the case I apologize for the mis-information. If I were you I would look into these matters. But seriously, something doesnt sound right to me here.

 

All the best

Double Helix

[IStandAlone90]

Hi OP,

 

I just registered to be able to reply to this post. I didnt read everything but from what I understood your gf is supposed to get married in Germany?

 

Do you/ does she know that a special "marriage visa" is required if she is not from the EU? I dont really know which documents are needed for such a visa, but she has to e.g. take a german test and show a basic knowledge of German. I know non EU citizens who wanted to marry Germans and could not do so (at least not in Germany they had to marry in a different EU country) because they did not fulfill certain criteria, e.g. did not have any knowledge of German.

 

It is not possible for her father to just send her "for a holiday" (on a holiday-visa) to Germany and just marry her off there. This sounds VERY weird to me.

 

Unless these laws have changed and I have missed it, if this is the case I apologize for the mis-information. If I were you I would look into these matters. But seriously, something doesnt sound right to me here.

 

All the best

Double Helix

 

Well I dont know Germany laws and how it works there.But she did go there for vacation. But then she had a decision if she wanted to marry.I dont know if it was going to be in Germany or just she had to make her decision there. Either way she chose not to. Right now she back in Texas.

[IStandAlone90]

Hey guys I just wanted to bump this thread back up and ask you guys what exactly should we do ?

 

I recently read this article http://www.heraldsun.com.au/news/national/family-banned-from-taking-girl-to-arranged-marriage-in-lebanon/story-e6frf7l6-1225874744290

 

And it seems like all you have to do is go to the cops and they will take action from there. She planning on saying something soon.To my knowledge her father and the guy she suppose to marry is in Brazil right now so I feel the best time to say something will be right now.

 

What do you guys think ? I try looking up how to stop arranged/force marriages and thats the most I got from that article. I found nothing about arranged or forced marriages in America because as we all know it really is impossible for that to happen here. At least if the person speaks up.

 

So anyway all she needs to do is go to the cops and they will take care of it ?

 

Were having more hope cause even this guy said he feels he to good for her but he still does want her.Retarded I know.

 

But just please anyone we need all the advice. Thankfully she has support from some family so hopefully things work out.

[TaraMaiden]

Yes.

Go to the Police.

 

If she is in America, a forced or arranged marriage is not legal. The guy is not her father. he has no legal jurisdiction or right over her. She should go to the cops and tell them everything that is happening. Tell someone. They will help.

 

As nothing has of yet, actually happened, then I doubt this guy will get into too much trouble, but he will be told in no uncertain terms that he has no right to do this.

[IStandAlone90]

Yes.

Go to the Police.

 

If she is in America, a forced or arranged marriage is not legal. The guy is not her father. he has no legal jurisdiction or right over her. She should go to the cops and tell them everything that is happening. Tell someone. They will help.

 

As nothing has of yet, actually happened, then I doubt this guy will get into too much trouble, but he will be told in no uncertain terms that he has no right to do this.

 

Thank you. She will do something about this ASAP and I will talk to her about it today. I think me and her both feel this situation will not happen. But we are scared of the consequences on her part at least. Her father most likely will disown her and that will really hurt her. But she does know that she had to do this and this was the right thing to do.

 

Also I'm hoping there are not any extreme consequences. Like I do not want anything to get violent. I do not pray much but I will pray that nothing violent comes out of this. I do not want her harmed,her dad, or even the guy she suppose to marriage. Even though them two have cause us pain I do not want anything getting violent. I really wish I can talk to her dad face to face. I heard he is a nice guy but he is very bossy but I hope I can just talk to him face to face and let him know how much I am in love with his "daughter".

[TaraMaiden]

Get this through your head:

 

HE IS NOT HER DAD.

 

SHE IS NOT OBLIGED TO DO ANYTHING HE ASKS, COMMANDS, DEMANDS OR SAYS.

 

HE HAS NO RIGHTS OVER HER, AND HAS NO LEGAL HOLD OR FAMILIAL CONTROL OVER HER.

 

Do you understand?

This is a no-brainer, a non-starter and not even up for consideration. he is not a blood relative, so he has absolutely no control, right or authority over her at all.

You really need to get this through your head. Her only tie to him is an emotional one. And that won't ever stand for anything, in the eyes of the law.

[IStandAlone90]

Get this through your head:

 

HE IS NOT HER DAD.

 

SHE IS NOT OBLIGED TO DO ANYTHING HE ASKS, COMMANDS, DEMANDS OR SAYS.

 

HE HAS NO RIGHTS OVER HER, AND HAS NO LEGAL HOLD OR FAMILIAL CONTROL OVER HER.

 

Do you understand?

This is a no-brainer, a non-starter and not even up for consideration. he is not a blood relative, so he has absolutely no control, right or authority over her at all.

You really need to get this through your head. Her only tie to him is an emotional one. And that won't ever stand for anything, in the eyes of the law.

 

I'm fully aware of this no need for caps.And even if he was really her dad this still would be wrong and will not happen in America.

[Guitarjeff]

I'm fully aware of this no need for caps.And even if he was really her dad this still would be wrong and will not happen in America.

 

That's right, it doesn't even matter if he was her real dad, if she's 18 years old here in America, no one can make her do a DAMN thing she doesn't want to do besides pay taxes. I am shocke that she would even consider doing this and I still feel something is up with this stuff. She surely must know that no one can make her marry someone she doesn't want to marry. If she marries him then she wants to marry him, it's as simple as that.

[TaraMaiden]

I'm fully aware of this no need for caps.And even if he was really her dad this still would be wrong and will not happen in America.

 

So in that case, what exactly is the problem? All she has to do is just say no.

That's it. All she has to do is refuse.

I really don't know what all the fuss is about.

 

I think she's playing you for a jerk, because honestly, she lives in her own apartment, she's in America, and this guy is on a different continent.

 

Where's the issue??

[IStandAlone90]

So in that case, what exactly is the problem? All she has to do is just say no.

That's it. All she has to do is refuse.

I really don't know what all the fuss is about.

 

I think she's playing you for a jerk, because honestly, she lives in her own apartment, she's in America, and this guy is on a different continent.

 

Where's the issue??

 

The issue is some people in her family might not accept her and she might be shun. She does not want to be disowned by the people who have taken care of of her whole 20 years of life. She understands what she going to do is right but she just hurt and afraid of the consequences. How is that so hard to understand ?

 

Yes she lives in her own apartment.But she does not pay for it.She also has a car.She does not pay for that either. It all belongs to this man who is running her life. He can easily take a lot of things away from her.

 

And I said this before this man is very wealthy.He was in Brazil but he coming back to Texas this week I believe.He has controlled every single thing she has done in her life. To cause more problems and arguments. Do you seriously think this will not take a toll on her and hurt her ? A person she loved and respected that taken care of her whole life ? Of course it's going to hurt her and she going to have a rough time doing this.

 

She constantly spoken up and said she will not do this.She has said it several times trust me. This women is not playing me for no jerk she will never do that. I fully understand it's hard for her. And the best I can do is support her right now. I already know she not going to go through with this. I told her today that she has to say something ASAP now and this can not go on any longer. I believe she going to go to the police by the end of this week. She only 20 years old going through a real rough time right now. When she ready she will stand up and say something to authorities. I know she will. But I do not want to feel like I'm smothering her or rushing her. I'm going to support her let her get her mind right and when she is ready which I agree needs to be now. I believe she will finally have the enough strength to say something to authorities.

 

I do not think you seriously understand the consequences she going to deal with once this happens.

[TaraMaiden]

And you don't seem to understand that all this control is purely psychological. It's all an emotional response. There is no legal clout, she's just permitting herself to be emotionally and mentally manipulated.

 

Having come from a Roman Catholic, Italian family, please trust me, I completely understand how this could be problematic.

But unless she makes a stand for herself now, she will forever be under the control and manipulation of others. There is absolutely no legal justifiable cause for her to do their bidding.

It's all in her mind.

So either she fights this psychologically, or she will permit herself to be manipulated for the remainder of her days.

She simply has to take a stand and refuse others to control her.

I know and understand it's difficult, but won't it be more difficult for her - and you - if she allows herself to be controlled? it's all just emotional.

 

Our emotions are not who we are..... why let herself be defined by fear?

 

 

Jeesh, do you really need all this melodrama?

[IStandAlone90]

And you don't seem to understand that all this control is purely psychological. It's all an emotional response. There is no legal clout, she's just permitting herself to be emotionally and mentally manipulated.

 

Having come from a Roman Catholic, Italian family, please trust me, I completely understand how this could be problematic.

But unless she makes a stand for herself now, she will forever be under the control and manipulation of others. There is absolutely no legal justifiable cause for her to do their bidding.

It's all in her mind.

So either she fights this psychologically, or she will permit herself to be manipulated for the remainder of her days.

She simply has to take a stand and refuse others to control her.

I know and understand it's difficult, but won't it be more difficult for her - and you - if she allows herself to be controlled? it's all just emotional.

 

Our emotions are not who we are..... why let herself be defined by fear?

 

 

Jeesh, do you really need all this melodrama?

 

I do know that this is all emotional response. She knows it's emotional response. We know this. All I'm simply saying it is hard for her. And yes some of this is psychologically and i am trying to keep her as calm as possible and not letting her get overwhelmed. Again I listen to what she says and I try my best to give her my best advice. She knows I does. She loves the advice I give her. I'm trying not to make it seem like its her choosing me over her dad. Thats not what I want in her head. I'm just trying to tell her this is about her sticking up for her self. Letting her dad and people know that she has a voice and have feelings.I'm taking things step by step right now.I do not want her crying all the time. I want her to have a clear mind and to be strong when she finally says something.

 

But yes I do 100 percent agree with you that she does need to say something now and I have told her that.

[TaraMaiden]

So basically what this all boils down to is her being torn between staying with you and fighting her nearest and dearest, or giving into their wishes and kicking you to the kerb?

 

You are convinced she should be with you, but you're trying to not sound manipulative, but she's torn because it would mean hurting their feelings?

 

That's what this is all about, right?

[Guitarjeff]

And no one who truly loves her would attempt to make her do something like that. She's worried about losing someone who can't possibly lover her if he would force her to do such a thing. Again, you are making this harder than it has to be. If My Mother tried to force me to marry someone, I would soon realize that I would be better without her in my life. If she basically SELLS herself in to married slavery then she is walking in to hell with both eyes open, sorry, but that's the truth. You act as if money would be a legitimate reason to allow yourself to be forced in to marriage. It's not a reason and you have said she is making it a possible reason. She's 20 years old, in a free country that says she was a legal adult 2 years ago. THERE ARE NO REASONS good enough for her to even contemplate being FORCED to basically sell her body to a man. If this guy (NOT HER FATHER) tries to make her do it then HE DOESN'T LOVE HER OR CARE ABOUT HER and that's fairly clear, isn't it?

 

Sorry, but I am not buying this. I think she does want to marry him for money yet she cares for you and doesn't want to hurt you but she's thinking this rich guy will butter her bread better. Again--THERE ARE NO LEGITIMATE REASONS to allow yourself to be sold in to a type of slavery, not money, not worry over anyone that would try and force you to do such a thing to begin with.

[IStandAlone90]

And no one who truly loves her would attempt to make her do something like that. She's worried about losing someone who can't possibly lover her if he would force her to do such a thing. Again, you are making this harder than it has to be. If My Mother tried to force me to marry someone, I would soon realize that I would be better without her in my life. If she basically SELLS herself in to married slavery then she is walking in to hell with both eyes open, sorry, but that's the truth. You act as if money would be a legitimate reason to allow yourself to be forced in to marriage. It's not a reason and you have said she is making it a possible reason. She's 20 years old, in a free country that says she was a legal adult 2 years ago. THERE ARE NO REASONS good enough for her to even contemplate being FORCED to basically sell her body to a man. If this guy (NOT HER FATHER) tries to make her do it then HE DOESN'T LOVE HER OR CARE ABOUT HER and that's fairly clear, isn't it?

 

Sorry, but I am not buying this. I think she does want to marry him for money yet she cares for you and doesn't want to hurt you but she's thinking this rich guy will butter her bread better. Again--THERE ARE NO LEGITIMATE REASONS to allow yourself to be sold in to a type of slavery, not money, not worry over anyone that would try and force you to do such a thing to begin with.

 

I agree when you said nobody who truly loves her will make her do this. I told her that if her dad and this guy really cared about her they will not make her do this.

 

Again it's her just being attach to her father cause he has done a lot for her even if it was controlling. She feels he gave her life. At the end of the day like the other person said it's a psychological thing.And no she does not care how much money this guy has. It's just hard for her people that is all. I do not understand how that hard for you guys to understand.

[aerogurl87]

Things aren't adding up.

 

I have a friend from Brazil and it's not like some backwards Middle Eastern country where women have almost no rights. It's a pretty developed nation and western from my understanding. I call BS on this girl.

 

1) She says she owes her step dad her life because he gave her life, but he's not her real dad. Hmm, yeah that sounds really fishy to me.

2) She claims she is resisting her dad to the point where he slapped her, yet she won't go to the authorities to stop him from screwing up her life.

3) She lives on her own, so she's somewhat independent, but claims her dad controls her completely still. Well I know some extremely overprotective parents and not one of them would pay to move their kid out of there house where they can keep a watchful eye on everything they do.

4) She's in Texas and her dad's back in Brazil, but he still rules her life. Umm yeah, sure.

5) Everything Double Helix said.

 

Look the writing's on the wall, this girl is playing you like a fiddle.

[TaraMaiden]

And bear in mind this is an on-line LDR.

 

The OP and this so-called "love of his life" - have actually NEVER MET......!!

[aerogurl87]

And bear in mind this is an on-line LDR.

 

The OP and this so-called "love of his life" - have actually NEVER MET......!!

 

Ahh yes that would be point #6. And how long have you two been together? 7 months so far? Look I've been with my boyfriend for 7 months myself and yes I do consider him to be the essence of everything I've been searching for in a partner, but we've also spent time together in real life. The fact that you've never met this girl to confirm whether or not she's for real or just faking you out is another red flag. For all you know her "best friend" could be in with her on creating this elaborate story and they could be laughing about you behind your back. I've heard about it being done before so don't think it's too far fetched.

 

Point is you two either need to meet ASAP, or you need to brace yourself for a big letdown because I honestly don't think she's telling the truth.

[sweetjasmine]

Things aren't adding up.

 

I have a friend from Brazil and it's not like some backwards Middle Eastern country where women have almost no rights. It's a pretty developed nation and western from my understanding. I call BS on this girl.

 

1) She says she owes her step dad her life because he gave her life, but he's not her real dad. Hmm, yeah that sounds really fishy to me.

2) She claims she is resisting her dad to the point where he slapped her, yet she won't go to the authorities to stop him from screwing up her life.

3) She lives on her own, so she's somewhat independent, but claims her dad controls her completely still. Well I know some extremely overprotective parents and not one of them would pay to move their kid out of there house where they can keep a watchful eye on everything they do.

4) She's in Texas and her dad's back in Brazil, but he still rules her life. Umm yeah, sure.

5) Everything Double Helix said.

 

Look the writing's on the wall, this girl is playing you like a fiddle.

 

Yeah, I know a lot of people from Brazil, and although many are socially conservative by American standards, I've never ever heard of a forced or even pressured marriage.

 

To add to the list:

6) They've never met.

7) The only other person in her life that he's talked to is the "best friend", who likely doesn't even exist.

8) She's an adult woman living in the United States, yet she has to "wait" until she's 21 to get out of the forced marriage? That makes absolutely no sense. There is absolutely no difference between the rights she has at age 20 and age 21, when it comes to this sort of thing. What's so special about her turning 21 that she can suddenly and magically escape the marriage?

 

I'm sorry, man, it's a big pile of BS.

 

But even assuming for a second that all those red flags can be explained away and that she's telling the absolute truth, there is literally nothing you can do about the situation short of calling the police on her behalf and hoping that when they show up she doesn't say, "Oh, that's not true, I guess someone was playing a prank on me." If it's true, then she needs to be the one to grow a freaking spine and sort her own life out. I come from a heavy guilt-tripping controlling family from the same area of the world, and the only way to have your OWN life is to take it into your own hands. It's not easy, but the alternative is sacrificing your own life in exchange for not pissing off family. If she's willing to do that, then what are you going to do? Hang around and wait patiently for years and years until the most controlling members of her family die off, and she can finally start living like an actual adult at age 60?

 

I'm really sorry, OP. This doesn't look good at all for you. Take care of yourself.

[candymoon]

The fact that you've never met this girl to confirm whether or not she's for real or just faking you out is another red flag. For all you know her "best friend" could be in with her on creating this elaborate story and they could be laughing about you behind your back. I've heard about it being done before so don't think it's too far fetched.

 

This.

 

I knew a girl online who I chatted with daily for years. She did this a lot to men. Get them to fall in love with her and send her gifts and cash, promising a RL future. She managed to never meet them--when they got "too serious" she would come up with an elaborate dramatic scheme to end it. Always traumatically. Despite my telling her how disgusting she was, she would laugh behind their backs---with her FIANCE. They were both broke and would live on the 'profits' these men sent her as neither had jobs, smoked weed all day and lived in a trailer. She called herself an "actress"..

 

OP, I am positive your girl is this type. For whatever reason she's led you on. I bet if you pressed more and more to meet her (just as a test) the drama in her RL will get exponentially intense.

[marz]

Ok. I just want to begin to say that I am in a LDR too. But we knew each other for years (face to face) before we got together and I had to leave and go back home. We have been together for about 16 months, 8 of which we have been separate.

 

As everyone has already mentioned and you obviously understand, is that she has no obligation to her "father". Even though he "pays" for everything (as SweetJasmine said, why would he pay for everything for her to be away from the family home but need her to do what he says?) she does not legally have to do anything. She just needs to put on a smile and say, "you know what dad? I really don't want to. I have a life ahead of me and I believe in marrying for love". Yes, he will probably bash her until she is black and blue but I think she has experienced this in him before so she will need to take it. By that I mean, I don’t think that it will be a surprise to her that he will hit her. My parents hit us all the time so I was not surprised to receive a slap when I defied them. She knows this. I am not agreeing with abuse but she will know. Trust me. He will not kill her. If she really wants you, she will do it (defy I mean). I would. Being bashed, where your body will heal in no time, is nothing compared to a life of the torture, pain and resentment she will have for doing something she did not want to. Do the math.

 

After he bashes her, he will most likely not hold her somewhere until she agrees... because as you said, he goes backwards and forwards between countries, so she has AMPLE time to be able to get herself some support – police, women’s groups etc . Being bashed is an excellent way to be able to get a restraining order put on someone. Yes, you will be in physical pain (and as you are saying emotional too), but if she really does not want to do this, she should prefer to have a hot iron pressed into her temple than marry, reproduce and play happy families with a random person. I am just putting myself in her situation.... if she is legit.

 

Secondly, you need to really consider the fact that this is a lie, as candymoon already mentioned. I know you have spent a great amount of time with her and you have given your entire being to her, I really do understand, as I’m sure we all can - It will bloody hurt to know it was all a lie. But I’m sorry, but you have to consider this. You must be strong. Put your life in your hands, as SweetJasimine said. Candymoon also said that it may be a good idea for you to go over there. I know that OP previously said that female in question was reading the thread so she will be reading me saying this. I do not agree with lying and saying that “you want to go...” but actually tell her you desperately want to be there and that you will be there. Ask people for loans.. I’m sure you can raise the $2000 to get there – you have to try. Go to cash converters... sell some stuff! The computer you are typing on! Something! You have to save your sanity! If you don’t, trust me, you may be living a lie for the next couple of years until you find out the truth, in which case, your heart will be so full of pain it may not ever trust or love again. It happens, believe me. Do not let a low life take over yours (I’m not saying she is, but she may be... since you have not met or lived with her).

 

Thirdly, LDR’s are fricken hard! I know because I am in one. We are stronger when we get through the bad stuff – I know because I have experienced it. But you have to understand, the world is not a nice place. I would probably say that the majority of people are not honest. The internet is a beautiful thing, but in the wrong hands, is a weapon. I know this is not what you want to hear, but I hope that some of my experience (and I’m sure many other LDR people will agree too) will help you understand reality.

 

Early in our relationship, I lied to my SO. Not because I wanted to, but because it was small and, then, it didn’t mean anything to me. But the lie, as one usually does, brought on many more and soon I was in over my head. We fought brutally. I had such guilt that I wanted to bury myself alive. I felt I could not face the world. I lied and he would never forgive me. But he did. And yes, we are stronger for it. I left for home during this terrible time in our relationship. I have no idea why he stayed with me – and I thank the Earth everyday for that... But he did. And we are deeply in love. He is also my best friend, as you, OP, said she was. But my point of bringing my story in this, is that a small lie can be easy to tell. It is so easy that people lie many times on a normal day... even for things that don’t need to be lied about. A small lie soon becomes a massive one. More arise from this tiny, baby lie... Soon, you are in way over your head and it sounds to me that this is very similar to how I experienced it.

 

You are so understanding, obviously you love her to bits. But not everyone is as good as you. To give you some perspective, some people get off (and I mean, actually get off) on seeing people sad, crying, cutting their wrists and wanting to die. I am not saying she is but YOU ACTUALLY NEVER KNOW... really don’t... Especially if your relationship is an internet one. You need to meet her – to see that she is worth the wait. She needs to see you – to be able to fight for you (if this is the truth).

 

I know I have written a lot but I know you need advice and this is mine – go and see her. You may be bashed too, be prepared. But also prepare your heart... and your soul. It may turn to be a massive blow and I want you to know that if it turns out like that, I, and maybe some other people in this post, will be here to listen to you.

 

Start scrounging! And you need to act! I have noticed you haven’t replied in some days – I do hope you are ok. Good luck.

 

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