Splitting up after 6 years

[svtsilver1]

Hey new to the forum just found it the other night and just feel this is a nice place to talk about things. So let me start with my situation.

 

Me and my Wife have been together for 6 years(married for 3). She is leaving me and moving out. I'm heartbroken and surprised somewhat. Things we're fine when we dated we were all about each other. But we got real comfortable with each other. We got married when I was 22 and she was 21. And from the beginning it was never really us. My parents help us buy our first home and we have never really had to struggle, I however have always been the provider I payed for her to go through school always payed the bills her car insurance everything, while she has spent her money on things she has wanted too, but this was one of the ways i showed my love it was how i was taught, i tried to let her do the things she wanted to let her know i loved her. We always had this conversation since we were together that she thought i was never affectionate enough. Im a very affectionate guy have always sent roses for anniveraries and such and kissed her told her i loved her. She says I dont act like she is the love of my life and doesnt feel that iam in love with her but she knows that i love her(wtf is that?). I try to do things i like to pick and play but she always pushes me away and tells me to leave her alone and iam getting on her nerves its one of the way I like to express my love. But since the beginning it has never been just me and her. We're always doing things with her friends weather its going out or staying at home and inviting her friends(some couples some not) over to hang out and such. My daily routine is always the same goto work come home get my daughter wait for her to get off work spend from 5:30/6 til 9-9:30 with her and my wife, then when we put our daughter to bed, she watches tv(stupid reality shows n stuff that i have no interest in) So i got and get on the cpu and play games(i know im not perfect but its my hobbies id rather be at home doing what i do then going out enless its just me and her going to dinner and a movie while she'd rather be going out with her friends n such). I've told her id change the world for her and completely stop playing games and dedicate my life to showing her just how much i love her and everything. She is my world and now that i'm about to lose her i'm going crazy. Her mom and everyone else thinks i gave her to much freedom and now that she is done with school making her own money she wants to move out on and make herself happy and do her own things. I realize this may have been from us getting married at an early age. But she has never had any responsibility and is going to get a rude awaken with all the bills from rent to expenses and all. She says she still loves me and its so hard for her to do this to me. We are planning on alternating days with our daughter and switching weekends. But i don't want that i want my family together and i just figured shed at least give it one more chance to try and make it work but she says shes tried and just cant put the effort into it anymore. But she has never really gave me 100% she isn't the affectionate person that she claims she wants me to be ethier, and has never been she said she gave me the 1st year of our relationship and made it about it and while I can say she did ill admit it and i made mistakes where she would ask me to watch tv with her but id rather have did my own thing. I'm just beating myself up over this but i have been the same since day 1 i have never changed anything i do. Her mom says she is going to get out there all alone and realize she has made a mistake, and while i hope she does and at times i feel id take her back no questions asked i think i have to make her realize that she is walking out and cheating me, her and our daughter out of a happy life as a family. I feel she is being completely selfish and inconsiderate. I know ive been rambling on and running alot of stuff together its just my mind is spinning. I cant eat,sleep, and barely focus to work. The only real thing that is keeping me going is my daughter. Thanks in advance for any advice.

[You Go Girl]

Sorry, this looks really bad and like she has made up her mind.

The guys on the board will tell you how to do the 180. I imagine that's your only choice at this point.

Read up on it. Search LS for the 180.

Basically, it involves totally throwing her sense of what reality is vs. what reality will become by taking all your power back, and stop giving anymore power to her. You will begin to focus on yourself, and what choices you have, and to essentially become more selfish in order to take care of yourself and stop catering to her.

With her newfound financial freedom, she might have been planning on leaving you for quite some time. She doesn't sound committed at all.

 

Oh, and please use paragraphs. It is difficult to read your post.

[HopelessinDTW]

SVT: Take You Go Girls advice...she knows what she's taling about. Sounds like your wife is worried that with a marriage and kid, she won't be able to enjoy all the "fun" things in life. As you have said, your life has become routine, and perhaps she feels like the routine life is not fun for her. Your story is somewhat similar to mine, and I know exactly how you feel. You also need to stay in the house, and protect your kid. Your wife is on her journey to find happiness...whatever that is. Soon she will realize happiness does not come easy. She might or might not come back. As such, you need to prepare yourself for the possibility that she won't. Get your finances in order, do not talk to her unless it's about your kid, be emotionless with her, do not let her see you sad. You are very young...if she's going to act like a teenager..then let her. If she doesn't come back, you WILL fins somewone who appreciates you for who your are. If she does come back, you need to set boundaries and rules. She needs to prove to you that she's worth being your wife...not the other way around. Remember she's the one who checking out, not you. Stay strong...it will be rough. Keep on posting here...there are many here in the same boat as you.

[habs53]

Hey new to the forum just found it the other night and just feel this is a nice place to talk about things. So let me start with my situation.

 

Me and my Wife have been together for 6 years(married for 3). She is leaving me and moving out. I'm heartbroken and surprised somewhat. Things we're fine when we dated we were all about each other. But we got real comfortable with each other. We got married when I was 22 and she was 21. And from the beginning it was never really us. My parents help us buy our first home and we have never really had to struggle, I however have always been the provider I payed for her to go through school always payed the bills her car insurance everything, while she has spent her money on things she has wanted too, but this was one of the ways i showed my love it was how i was taught, i tried to let her do the things she wanted to let her know i loved her. We always had this conversation since we were together that she thought i was never affectionate enough. Im a very affectionate guy have always sent roses for anniveraries and such and kissed her told her i loved her. She says I dont act like she is the love of my life and doesnt feel that iam in love with her but she knows that i love her(wtf is that?). I try to do things i like to pick and play but she always pushes me away and tells me to leave her alone and iam getting on her nerves its one of the way I like to express my love. But since the beginning it has never been just me and her. We're always doing things with her friends weather its going out or staying at home and inviting her friends(some couples some not) over to hang out and such. My daily routine is always the same goto work come home get my daughter wait for her to get off work spend from 5:30/6 til 9-9:30 with her and my wife, then when we put our daughter to bed, she watches tv(stupid reality shows n stuff that i have no interest in) So i got and get on the cpu and play games(i know im not perfect but its my hobbies id rather be at home doing what i do then going out enless its just me and her going to dinner and a movie while she'd rather be going out with her friends n such). I've told her id change the world for her and completely stop playing games and dedicate my life to showing her just how much i love her and everything. She is my world and now that i'm about to lose her i'm going crazy. Her mom and everyone else thinks i gave her to much freedom and now that she is done with school making her own money she wants to move out on and make herself happy and do her own things. I realize this may have been from us getting married at an early age. But she has never had any responsibility and is going to get a rude awaken with all the bills from rent to expenses and all. She says she still loves me and its so hard for her to do this to me. We are planning on alternating days with our daughter and switching weekends. But i don't want that i want my family together and i just figured shed at least give it one more chance to try and make it work but she says shes tried and just cant put the effort into it anymore. But she has never really gave me 100% she isn't the affectionate person that she claims she wants me to be ethier, and has never been she said she gave me the 1st year of our relationship and made it about it and while I can say she did ill admit it and i made mistakes where she would ask me to watch tv with her but id rather have did my own thing. I'm just beating myself up over this but i have been the same since day 1 i have never changed anything i do. Her mom says she is going to get out there all alone and realize she has made a mistake, and while i hope she does and at times i feel id take her back no questions asked i think i have to make her realize that she is walking out and cheating me, her and our daughter out of a happy life as a family. I feel she is being completely selfish and inconsiderate. I know ive been rambling on and running alot of stuff together its just my mind is spinning. I cant eat,sleep, and barely focus to work. The only real thing that is keeping me going is my daughter. Thanks in advance for any advice.

Typical walk away wife syndrome. You are right, she is being completely selfish and now its all about her. You did everything for her and now she wants to leave. She is thinking more of herself than saving her family.

Yep do the 180. Get a lawyer and fight for your child. Dont let her get away with this BS. You would have to expect there is another person. At least she is thinking of someone else.

She is gone. Worry about yourself now. Your mom is correct, she will do the spiral eventually and regret this. Probably be much to late for her just like all the others that do this crap.

Edited August 27, 2010 by habs53

[willowthewisp]

Hi,

 

Arh, I feel for you, I know this pain all too well myself. The advice given above is spot on, remember she is the one bailing, not you (if only I could get that through my head too)!

 

Habs, I sure hope you are right, it's been quite a long time since my ex left me but no signs of remorse yet, although I don't have any contact with him so I guess i wouldn't necessarily know? It would be nice to think that they all realise at some point just exactly WHAT they have done, but do you think this is always the case? I hope so...

 

OP, you need to impliment the 180, search for it on here, don't try and reason with her or beg etc, it only makes them more determined. As hard as it is you have to accept it and you have to look after you. Easier said than done...

[svtsilver1]

Thanks everyone, Ive looked up the 180 and plan on starting on most of those steps this coming week, She moved all of her stuff out today, so I plan on really distancing my self from her while all of this plays out.

 

I'm just still in shock because it happened so fast. We had problems stayed together for 6 years with the same problems happy or atleast i thought we was. Then BAAAM this isnt the relationship i pictured myself in, and while i love you and really hate putting you through this pain. I just dont feel like iam in love with you.

[You Go Girl]

Besides the 180, it's also time to know just what kind of relationship she did picture herself in.

Ask. That statement jumped out at me that she made. She may describe dreams that could never come true with you, she may describe a man that you could never be. She may do that to specifically make it seem as if you could never fulfill the demands.

Then again, she could paint a picture, at least partially, that is feasible should you get a chance to work on this. Ask yourself if her wants in life have been disregarded by you after she has expressed them.

 

You can't repair what you don't know how to fix. You need to understand, ask and listen, to what she feels she is so unhappy with.

Simply implementing the 180 blindly is like trying to repair a broken engine with a blindfold on, and an engine you possibly don't know as well as you thought you did.

That said, be strict about following the 180 except for asking that question, which needs to be asked immediately. She sounds like a true abandoning ship case, so don't slip on the 180.

[svtsilver1]

I just feel the need to tell her i love her everytime i tell her bye on the phone or dropping my daughter off/picking her up. Because i still want her to know that i dont want this, and love her with all my heart. After talking to friends and family(including her mom). They all say this came out of nowhere even her best friend. Its like she thinks theres more to life then what we had and this is something she has to experience on her own. She signed a 6 month lease on the apartment she has gotten, so maybe it is just a trial thing.

 

I just need to get my mind in the right place and try and move foward with my life, but iam constantly thinking of everything every day even when im keeping myself occupied with stuff throughout the day.

[You Go Girl]

. Its like she thinks theres more to life then what we had and this is something she has to experience on her own.

 

I just need to get my mind in the right place and try and move foward with my life, but iam constantly thinking of everything every day even when im keeping myself occupied with stuff throughout the day.

 

more to life?

Classic MLC. Grass is greener syndrome, all of it.

 

It gets easier to not think about them all day. Your brain just gets tired of never having different thoughts and running in circles.

 

Nothing wrong with saying once: I do still love you, you know that right? And you're blowing it...."

[svtsilver1]

more to life?

Classic MLC. Grass is greener syndrome, all of it.

 

It gets easier to not think about them all day. Your brain just gets tired of never having different thoughts and running in circles.

 

Nothing wrong with saying once: I do still love you, you know that right? And you're blowing it...."

 

 

Yea her mom has told me over and over that she is going to regret it, and the grass isnt always greener on the other side. And while i pray that its true and that she will realize she wants everything back she had and wants to work on it. And with her saying she needs time to think before she wants to make a decision about starting the process of seperation, it makes me think theres still a chance.

[Darth Vader]

Yea her mom has told me over and over that she is going to regret it, and the grass isnt always greener on the other side. And while i pray that its true and that she will realize she wants everything back she had and wants to work on it. And with her saying she needs time to think before she wants to make a decision about starting the process of seperation, it makes me think theres still a chance.

 

 

Other people are saying it, so I might as well too. Ask her who the other man is? She want's you to change is Bullcrap, it's all a facade to justify and Blameshift in her own mind what she's doing is right. Well, it's not!

 

She wants to ride another man to see how it works out all the while keeping you on the back burner "waiting in the wings" as she has her fun and orgasmic mind blowing sex with someone else and exposing you to STD's! Stop sleeping with her and get tested for STD's!

Edited August 29, 2010 by Darth Vader

[willowthewisp]

Thanks everyone, Ive looked up the 180 and plan on starting on most of those steps this coming week, She moved all of her stuff out today, so I plan on really distancing my self from her while all of this plays out.

 

I'm just still in shock because it happened so fast. We had problems stayed together for 6 years with the same problems happy or atleast i thought we was. Then BAAAM this isnt the relationship i pictured myself in, and while i love you and really hate putting you through this pain. I just dont feel like iam in love with you.

 

She gave you the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" speech? This usually (but not always) indicates an affair, either physical or emotional. Don't confront, but do start digging, her computer, e-mail, cell phone etc. I hope not, but I've seen it a lot on here (I only just joined, but I've been lurking a long time).

[PhiloDog]

She gave you the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" speech? This usually (but not always) indicates an affair, either physical or emotional. Don't confront, but do start digging, her computer, e-mail, cell phone etc. I hope not, but I've seen it a lot on here (I only just joined, but I've been lurking a long time).

 

 

OP, just my two cents: I would definitely do some digging. Although my situation is different from yours, I got the "I don't have feelings for you anymore" bit and that I didn't act as passionately toward her as I should have and that I don't look at her "that way" anymore. Guess what? I found out she was sleeping with another man. I think when an affair, either emotional or physical, happens--they start yearning for that passion which occurs early on, but dwindles a bit sometimes with marriage. Check things out, but don't let her know your doing it until you find what you need because if she catches you, you've just blown a lot of trust, especially if you're wrong.

[You Go Girl]

It's no coincidence that this woman is leaving after getting her degree. She could be having an affair with another man, but she's definitely having an affair with plans of how she is going to spend her paycheck all by herself, and all on herself.

I think you have been used for a long time. You're just that guy she's been married to and paid all the bills all these years. Now she has that degree and she is envisioning a very different life with lots of freedom.

Are you going to have to pay her child support, and give her half the value of your home?

It sounds like this one is walking away with a big paycheck from you.

You should get a lawyer and see if you can find a way to retain the value of your home without giving her half. Might be impossible, but it's to time get legal counsel.

[svtsilver1]

She isnt getting anything from me out of this marriage besides what i did for her to begin with. My mom and dad bought our first house for us i never had it put in my name just to be on the safe side. As far as child support or anything like that, we are planning on splitting time with our daughter. Although im sure with her new found freedom she will be quick to tell me to keep my daughter on those weekends or days she wants to go out and have fun. And at the point is when i really will blow up and try to fight for full custody.

[spriggig]

She isnt getting anything from me out of this marriage besides what i did for her to begin with. My mom and dad bought our first house for us i never had it put in my name just to be on the safe side. As far as child support or anything like that, we are planning on splitting time with our daughter. Although im sure with her new found freedom she will be quick to tell me to keep my daughter on those weekends or days she wants to go out and have fun. And at the point is when i really will blow up and try to fight for full custody.

 

Once they move out, they almost never come back, at least not anytime soon. It sounds like you've resigned yourself to divorce. Do fight for full custody if you think you'd make the better parent, you're likely to win if you fight, you'll definitely lose if you don't.

[What_Next]

This is a clear case of WAW. There is an affair, likely began with a EA, but it has progressed to a PA. It has happened to so many of us on here.

 

You are doing the right thing. I did about everything I could wrong, while being snowed the entire time.

 

Let it go, let her go, good riddance. I learned this lesson the hard way.

[HopelessinDTW]

This is a clear case of WAW. There is an affair, likely began with a EA, but it has progressed to a PA. It has happened to so many of us on here.

 

You are doing the right thing. I did about everything I could wrong, while being snowed the entire time.

 

Let it go, let her go, good riddance. I learned this lesson the hard way.

 

W_N: Can't believe this has happened to you! Your posts seemed like you were back on track. But what has happened is not unique to you in that she's a good lier. This is the classic MLC. Lie and lie, and decieve until she get's her way. We'll when I finally caught my stbx physically cheating, a great big weight was lifted off my shoulders. I wasn't riding in doubt about whether we would get back or not any longer. Although it was very painful what I found, I at least had a very focused direction to follow, and the guessing game was over. You will however still go through the emotional rollercoaster, but you know what to do. You know that you and your kids are the most important thing in your life. Let this piece of sh*t wife of your learn her lesson on her own. My wife found her soulmate on Face book (old high school crush). He has a high school education, lives with his parents, twice divorced to previously married women, works as a maintenance man. I guess both of our wives traded up!!! Good luck to them on their journey of discovery. I'm sure they can now be happier since the life they had with us was so unfullfilling, and so empty. And I'm sure they have been feeling this was for YEARS, and now have found their soulmate who will fill the void left in their hearts by their unloving, unaffectionate husbands....DOES ANY OF THIS SOUND FAMILIAR?? I'm sure it does...because it's all textbook.

 

You now know what she's really made of. Get her out of life as much as possible, end it, and move on.

[kmm111]

deleted - posted in wrong forum

Edited August 30, 2010 by kmm111

[svtsilver1]

I just dont see how someone can be so selfish and heartless... 6 years its been like this and she says this isnt the relationship she pictured herself in. And when i constantly begged for us to try and give it one more chance its just no i cant do it. I feel this is something i have to do. What kind of BS is that?? Her own mom said she only thinks about herself. I'm getting to the point where iam ready to tell her if this is something she wants we need to start the process of seperation and once that happens theres no turning back.

[HopelessinDTW]

I just dont see how someone can be so selfish and heartless... 6 years its been like this and she says this isnt the relationship she pictured herself in. And when i constantly begged for us to try and give it one more chance its just no i cant do it. I feel this is something i have to do. What kind of BS is that?? Her own mom said she only thinks about herself. I'm getting to the point where iam ready to tell her if this is something she wants we need to start the process of seperation and once that happens theres no turning back.

 

SVT: Constatly begging is not going to help at all. I know this is very hard for you to accept, but you need to let her go and see how green the grass is on the other side. She's young, and so are you. You need to think about why you really want to be with someone who would just get up and abandon their spouse and their kid? Do you really want to be with someone who is living in a dream world where all is good all the time. Life is hard! Life is work, sweat, sacrifice, laughter, sadness, joy, dispair, love, etc. etc. There is good and bad...sometimes the bad lasts a long time...but then you come out the other end happier than ever. She's only looking at the short term and not the long term. Let's assume she does come back to you...how long do you think it will be when she again feels this way? My advice is start the separation, try to keep as much as you can. If she leaves your kid, get full custody. She need to see how much "happiness" will be out there when she doesn't have a family and you to support her. LET HER GO, and be strong!