Coping after 1.5 years of great relations

[Gdunkman]

Dear All, I will tell you my story in short not to make you bored reading and I'm sorry beforehand for poor English as it's not my native language.

 

We met with my gf in January 2009 travelling in India and I felt in love with her. I have to say she is very beautiful and attracts many men, she had a bf that time, but we ended our three weeks India trip kissing and heavy petting each other. We live in different countries, but I've decided to make her my gf and achieved this goal very soon. I put a lot of efforts spending all my free time and finances (flights were not cheap at all) on weekend trips to her country to spend time with her during next 5 months. We had a summer vacation at the seaside together where she first told me she loved me.

 

Then I proposed her to move to my country, which is Ukraine, she asked "for what reason?", "to be my wife" was my answer. She agreed, as well as our parents and then we lived together in Kiev, Ukraine until May 2010. We had great time travelling a lot, redesigning out apartment, having great plans and planning our wedding this summer.

 

She never cheated me, I'm sure about that, neither did I. In May she said she doesn't love me anymore and doesn't want to be with me and moved back to her home city, Saint-Petersburg, Russia. For 2 months and a half she constantly gave me chances like "perhaps I will come back in September" or "May be we will be happy in my city if you agree to move". My love was so big (it was the longest my relations - a year and a half, the longest cohabitation and the best girl I ever met). I started trying to get her back.

 

I moved to her city, found a great job with big salary. I have to say that may be I wouldn't do that if she didn't accept such a plan, but it didn't help she was ready to meet me once or twice a week to go to the movies or have a drink in a bar and she spent all the rest of her free time with her new friends, including staying at night at their place, she changed all the plans of her life to be connected to her new friends, not to me. She still gave me chances asking not to break up, to give her time to think. She was even flirting with other guys on the phone, while I was sitting near her waiting her to end the call.

 

It was so painfull, and after she told me one day she liked another guy we officially broke up and I moved back to my country in order to forget her, it was August, 1, three weeks ago. I started to practise NC strategy then, which lasts 11 days as for now, but I'm still receiving news from her - through mutual friends and plus she messages me in fb - I don't reply her and I don't pick up the phone when she calls. The news are the following: she enjoys freedom so much these days, she is very happy and there are tips that she is starting to date another guy.

 

The last few days she is begging to talk over the phone, because she misses me, or writing me in fb asking how my things are and whether I have a new gf - I don't call her and the only my reply is "I don't want to comunicate with you if you have a bf or keep it in secret from me" - no direct yes/no reply to that.

 

So my questions are:

1. Why does she miss me, and does she really, if she has another bf? just feeling of loosing somebody she had before?

2. What should I do? There are moments when I want to write her so much, eventhough I don't want to talk to her over the phone, not to hear her happy voice. I feel so bad.

[PegNosePete]

She has been playing you for a fool my friend. When you met her she was with someone else but she had no problems cheating with you. That shows she has a cheating nature, and it is very likely that she was cheating on you, too, especially as you were in different countries, she is a practised cheater so she is probably very good at hiding it, so how could you know she never cheated on you?

 

She misses having someone who will bend over backwards to make her happy. She misses having a doormat. She misses having you do everything that she wants, and hanging on her every word. She misses having someone to look after her while she does whatever the **** she likes.

 

You should block her on FB, not just remove as friend, but block. And ask your mutual friends to not update you about her, tell them you don't want to know. If she keeps calling then send her a text message that just says "Please stop calling me, I don't want to be your friend". Nothing more. And don't reply to anything else she sends.

[Gdunkman]

Thank you for your good advice, you are right about all the points except may be the one about cheating.

 

It doesn't matter much whether she cheated on me or not, but I think no, because we had an argue on that subject when we were breaking up, and I felt she didn't cheat on me, because:

 

1. she is not very good on telling lies

2. she swore by something what is the most important in her life (health of her dog) she didn't cheat on me.

3. if she did, she wouldn't care whether it hurts me or not, and she would tell me the truth.

[bboy]

Apparently she wants to stay connected.

 

Do you feel that this woman with this behaviour makes you happy? Do you want to live like this forever?

[Gdunkman]

Apparently she wants to stay connected.

 

Do you feel that this woman with this behaviour makes you happy? Do you want to live like this forever?

 

No, but she used to behave great during more than a year making me happy, and I still have some feelings for the girl she used to be. By my brain I realize that people do not change and any relations with her are impossible, but by my heart, if she changes her mind again (probability of that is around zero), perhaps I would be so stupid to give her second chance.

[Gdunkman]

You should block her on FB, not just remove as friend, but block.

 

I've been hesitating for a few days, but today I did it - blocked her in fb and removed as a friend. Now I feel especially bad as I know she doesn't even have a possibility to write me, I received more than thousand fb messages from her during our relations. I miss her.

 

She keeps calling me, but I don't pick up the phone, after all if she wants to tell me something important, she can text me.

[bonpaw2008]

I've been hesitating for a few days, but today I did it - blocked her in fb and removed as a friend. Now I feel especially bad as I know she doesn't even have a possibility to write me, I received more than thousand fb messages from her during our relations. I miss her.

 

She keeps calling me, but I don't pick up the phone, after all if she wants to tell me something important, she can text me.

 

You miss the thought of her, or who you wanted her to be. You don't miss the lying cheating girl that she actually was. Get out, distract yourself, stay on NC, you are doing the right thing.

[Gdunkman]

She keeps playing. Today she wrote me an email stating she doesn't have a bf and didn't have any after me. The other point was that she was reading our messages from the early beginning of our relations until breakup today, and now she feels stupid, because she realized that our relations were not so bad. It is only after 1 month not seeing her and two weeks NC.

[Gdunkman]

Dear All, could you please explain me how to deal with the following.

 

I feel sort of calm these days, but the reason is not I'm over our relations.

 

It seems to me that my brain tried to protect me and created imaginary situation that she will change her mind after some time and will get back to me. I think I subconsciously believe it, very likely her statement that she feels stupid about our breakup and regrets that helped me to fall into this fantasy world.

 

All the facts show that second chance is impossible, how do I get out from these dreams?

[Gdunkman]

After a breakup 6 weeks ago I met four different girls with different interests in life and had four different conversations about 1 hour each. All these dialogues were so boring for me and I consider them as wasted time.

 

I still think my ex who dumped me this summer is the most interesting girl I ever met and I'm afraid that I will never meet a person who will be able to attract my attention, and I'm not sure I can attract someone's attention as well, because I'm not that interesting person I used to be. I'm not interested in my old hobbies anymore, I'm not that cheerful, easygoing and light-hearted man I used to be when I met my ex a year and a half ago.

[bboy]

After a breakup 6 weeks ago I met four different girls with different interests in life and had four different conversations about 1 hour each. All these dialogues were so boring for me and I consider them as wasted time.

 

I still think my ex who dumped me this summer is the most interesting girl I ever met and I'm afraid that I will never meet a person who will be able to attract my attention, and I'm not sure I can attract someone's attention as well, because I'm not that interesting person I used to be. I'm not interested in my old hobbies anymore, I'm not that cheerful, easygoing and light-hearted man I used to be when I met my ex a year and a half ago.

 

Silly!

 

How could you be 100% yourself if you're in a period of grief. Don't fool yourself. It takes time to heal and when the time has passed, you will be happy that you're yourself again. Humans don't forget about their ex's, they become indifferent to them (thank god). This is how we learn to become better and this is the reason why you will become more successful next time you meet someone.

 

Quite simple actually. Otherwise you'd be having the same relationship issues over and over again.

[bboy]

To add to the above. Be glad that you're having these feelings. You're not emotionally disturbed and react as a normal person. If you'd walk away feeling nothing - that would be a big red flag about yourself. So don't worry too much. You'll get there.

[Gdunkman]

Thank you for your support bboy!

 

I've analyzed my life during the last time and made up a list of things that make me feel better and worse.

 

Feel better:

1. meetings with friends

2. smoking (a cigarette can help even in the worst moment, that's bad because I didn't smoke when I was in relations)

3. reading LS (feel much better when I see I'm not the only one in such a situation)

 

Feel worse:

1. reading and watching movies (thoughts about her divert my attention from the subject all the time)

2. waking up. Morning time is the hardest one emotionally

3. getting news from her, like photos, fb statuses or messages

4. not getting news from her, lack of information kills

5. when I realize that time doesn't cure, because I don't feel much better then I used to when we broke up.

6. Riding a bike. I used to adore cross country mountain biking and now I'm scared to go and ride, because I can't stop thinking of my ex when i ride.

 

Anyone has similar feelings?

[Gdunkman]

I might win the title "The Most productive poster" in this thread

 

Back to the topic, I feel much weaker than I used to when I started this thread.

 

I go 1 or 2 weeks NC, then my ex starts to miss me, and I can't reject her attempts to contact me.

 

Eventually she gets what she wants - staying in touch and being friends, and I get what I don't want.

 

Fortunately I receive no painful news from her, it seems like she has not to colorful life without me and haven't found love yet, eventhough she has some admirers. One of the guys she liked proposed her to be a couple and she rejected because she thought it would be a rebound relation, as for me that guy is really weird, 29 y.o., never had a gf

 

The bad news are that I catch only positive things from our conversations, I rememeber well "I miss you" and "I feel stupid, because our relations were not bad" stuff, and I quickly forget "we have no future together", "we will never be together" and "I feel disgusted about our relations, we had to many conflicts".

 

If I describe you our conflicts you'd have much fun, the subjects were very stupid.

Edited September 15, 2010 by Gdunkman

[bboy]

Thank you for your support bboy!

 

I've analyzed my life during the last time and made up a list of things that make me feel better and worse.

 

Feel better:

1. meetings with friends

2. smoking (a cigarette can help even in the worst moment, that's bad because I didn't smoke when I was in relations)

3. reading LS (feel much better when I see I'm not the only one in such a situation)

 

Feel worse:

1. reading and watching movies (thoughts about her divert my attention from the subject all the time)

2. waking up. Morning time is the hardest one emotionally

3. getting news from her, like photos, fb statuses or messages

4. not getting news from her, lack of information kills

5. when I realize that time doesn't cure, because I don't feel much better then I used to when we broke up.

6. Riding a bike. I used to adore cross country mountain biking and now I'm scared to go and ride, because I can't stop thinking of my ex when i ride.

 

Anyone has similar feelings?

 

Oh yes. I can confirm just about every single one of them. I removed my ex from FB. Simply since we are not friends and there has been no contact from the start.

 

I can understand that if you have some contact with her and you feel an urge to continue with your life is to write her a message on FB or tell her next time she contacts you:

 

Dear XYZ,

As you know I was very fond of you in our relationship. But this on/off-contact thing is really not healthy for me. I need to continue with my life and I feel this can only be done if we don't have any contact between us at this moment. This doesn't mean I hate you or want to disrespect you. I appreciated what we had - it's memories worth keeping. But at this moment it is just my way of moving on. So please understand that I'm going to remove you from FB and other media to clear my head and move on. Nothing more and nothing less.

/GDunkman

[bboy]

5. when I realize that time doesn't cure, because I don't feel much better then I used to when we broke up.

 

It will not start curing until you stop dwelling. To stop dwelling you need to make sure that you have nothing new to dwell on. This is the painful start of initiating a "no contact" policy. It hurst like a h*ll in the beginning and you'll relapse a few time into fond memories. How do I know? Experience..

Edited September 15, 2010 by bboy

[Gdunkman]

Thank you bboy, you are a perfect inspirer.

 

Oh yes. I can confirm just about every single one of them.

 

Even mountain biking part?

 

I have two news for today.

 

Yesterday I read How to survive the Loss of a Love by Peter McWilliams, I feel calm and easy today, that mood perhaps will change, but temporary relief is still a big result for me. I'm going to reread this guide when feel bad.

 

In order not to have false hopes I made up a list called "Why we won't be together even if second chance would be possible" I want to share it with you:

 

1. She has no desire to live in my city and I have no desire to live in her.

2. When she stopped pretending to be a good girl I discovered she is a money loving creature.

3. I won't be able to give as much as I used to give, because, as I eventually discovered, she took it all for granted. I won't be able to give ANYTHING to someone who doesn't value it.

4. She did so many terrible things and said so many awful words this summer, that it is unlikely I can forget all of that. I thought I could do it in the name of love, but eventually I became overdosed with this s***.

5. I can say she is manipulative, when I rejected to do what she wanted I was called uncompromising egoist. Luckily it didn't happen all the time, but we had a few cases.

6. I won't be able to be with someone who can easily change her mind and go search for other men.

7. We could have a mutual decision, but in general our plans for the next few years are different: she wants to stay in her country and I think about moving to Canada.

[LoveTruthChaos]

^^^^

 

That is an excellent post. I'm going to make one of those lists too, since my 'pros' and 'cons' one seems to have worn off. Thank you

[Gdunkman]

^^^^

 

That is an excellent post.

 

Thank you.

 

8. I did everything to save our couple, I left my job, moved to her city, found great job their and she wasn't against those actions, but all my attempts were "caviar to the general"

9. I respect relations when there are HE and SHE and the outer world, which is secondary. Our relations were HE, SHE, HER mum, HER friends, HER acquaintances. All our internal affairs were discussed in public by her, and their joint decisions were implemented or was going to be implemented in our relations.

[GrayClouds]

Gd, Your getting there. Realizing the EX was not perfection personified is a step in the right direction. I suggest getting on the Bike and riding and every time you think of the EX remind yourself some of those negatives and then ride has hard as you can until your not thinking of her again, then when she pop into you mind do it all again until you can not move you legs.

 

Now it is time to stop thinking of her, hard but it can be done. When you think of her, define it; is this the sad me thinking of her, is this the lonely me thinking of her, is this the angry me think of her, is this the horny me thinking of there, etc. Then figure out what you need to satisfy that emotion; go exercise (endorphin makes us happy), call a friend or hang out at a coffee shop, beat up a pillow, take a hot shower...

 

Doing this is a great step in making the focus on your life about you. It is asking yourself what you need and delivering it. It is a great step in getting to know yourself again, building confidence that you can make yourself happy and making your life about you. When you get to that point that is being healed. Your getting there, a bit more work, few more bad days, but now you are seeing light in the end of the tunnel.

 

Good job. Keep it up.

[Gdunkman]

Good job. Keep it up.

 

Thank you.

 

I spent a weekend out of the city having party with my friends and I didn't think of her much. Now, back to the web access in my office, I desperately want to contact her and she is online.

 

I had a weakness to call her last week and among other things, like she misses me, I discovered she regrets she doesn't contact another guy she liked this summer and considers possibility her other friend to become her bf.

 

NC used to be an option for me and now it is a must, as far as listening to the stories about her admirers is beneath my dignity.

 

Today she wrote in her secret diary I have access to that she has a fear to lose someone, she didn't value what she had, misses someone and feels like she is falling in love.

 

I'm almost sure that wasn't about me, afterall she has around 10 admirers and likes some of them.

 

I want to forget her. She is not the girl of my dream.

[Gdunkman]

Time passes, life goes on, but I still feel different emotions associated with my ex.

 

I was so active today, had some meetings in different places, met new people and even was full of life enough to talk to a stranger girl I liked on the street.

 

Now I am sad again, I think how unfair it is, I had so many hopes, so did she, after all she came to a foreign country to live with me. I wish all my efforts were for us, not for me

 

I'm going out to the movies tonight with my friend I met some weeks ago, she's just a friend, and when we planned where to go and what film shall we see it wasn't easy, because she doesn't enjoy some movies and some places. I had a lump in my throat again, because with my ex we would go anytime to any place and watch any movie and if the schedule was bad we just had a walk and we were happy all the time. At least she seemed to be happy, she told me she was, but who knows, eventually she left me for some reason.

 

It is easier to keep NC now, when I know she misses some other guy, I know she doesn't deserve my attention. The only thing I do is check whether she posted to her livejournal, I know her records will bring me no good, but I just can't fight my curiosity.

[Gdunkman]

I'm such an idiot. It is my first weekend alone after the breakup, all my friends are busy today. So I spent morning drawing nice Indian totem on my fridge, then I got completely bored, I took my phone and dialed the phone number saved as "DO NOT CALL THAT S***" in my address book. She had to be at work, so I thought she might be bored as well. Instead I found out she's driving to a picnic with her male friend and their dogs, that the weather is sunny there and she's in a perfect mood. I am so lonely.

[Gdunkman]

I just got an idea, it's strange why haven't I figured it out before. Could it be possible that she easily moved on because of bad memory? She said her memory was bad. Could she literally forget our past? A few facts about her:

 

1. She learnt French for about five years, but forgot almost everything due to lack of practice

2. Sometimes she had no idea about the content of the books she read some years ago

3. A year ago we had a deal that we will live in my city and in a year or two we will move to her city for a year or two, so that it is fair. Two months ago she didn't remember that we had such a deal, that is not something personally I would forget, as it directly touches my lifestyle, but she did.

4. Two months ago she said it was boring to live in my city, few days ago she said she couldn't make such a statement and I made it up

[fabio10]

Gdunkman, first of all everything you are feeling is normal Im feeling the same and so is almost everyone on here right now or has so in the past.I know how hard it is to pull yourself away from being in contact her and your mind is racing to wonder what she is doing or who she is with!But right now remind yourself how badly she has treated you, I know the fond memories of your relationship are flowing around in your head but remember JUST HOW BAD SHE HAS HURT YOU !!!

 

Now my ex I only saw her last weekend she came to visit my family not ME my family, did I feel better from seeing her NO, did I say stupid things to her YES and we have not talked since and that is the way it is going to stay. I know we cannot blame the whole failings of our relationships with our exs on age but I think it plays a big part they aint as mature as us no matter how mature they acted when they were with us.

 

It was brave of you to move for her but looked how she repayed you she has really treated you badly, think to yourself if she truly loved you would she treat you this way, NO . Try and let her go and give yourself time to get over it you will get there. Send her an email like the previous poster said, tell her not to contact you for awhile that you need some space.Dont contact her let her see what life is like without you in it,let her wonder what you are doing...Be a MAN my friend we are all here for you !