Coping after 1.5 years of great relations

[Gdunkman]

Thank you Fabio, I really appreciate your support. NC is good for two goals: to get her back - i'm not going to do that, as I know she has a close male friend now she spends her free time with and she wouldn't mind to date with him, but she had another guy she rejected 2 months ago and now she misses him, so she is choosing and I'm not on her radar. In fact she said jokingly I have a chance as all the others and I said I'm not taking part in this competition.

 

The other, and most important reason to go NC is to heal. I don't feel to bad when I contact her in most cases. I don't have that power in this period of grief. The book I already mentioned says concentrate on your self, make the things you want to do. So if I want to stay connected and feel awful not hearing from her, I do contact her. The only reason is to make myself feel better.

[GrayClouds]

The other, and most important reason to go NC is to heal. I don't feel to bad when I contact her in most cases. I don't have that power in this period of grief. The book I already mentioned says concentrate on your self, make the things you want to do. So if I want to stay connected and feel awful not hearing from her, I do contact her. The only reason is to make myself feel better.

 

Hitting yourself with a small hammer does not hurt as bad as hitting yourself with a big hammer but still does not make sense to do it willingly.

[Gdunkman]

Saturday post was just a bad day post, I had nothing to do, so I was thinking about my ex and even called her.

 

I met a new girl on fb yesterday and I'm really interested in her, she seems to be more interesting then my ex, actually my ex has way below zero rating for me, so any girl is better then her

 

Even if I think of this new girl 30 per cent of time, I still think much less about my ex, right? And if things go bad with this new girl I will miss her afterwords, not my ex! As far as I am so clever now and I won't become attached to the new girl I will feel better anyway!

[Gdunkman]

Do you know why my ex thinks we can be friends? Just because she has such an experience with her previous ex, let's call him M.

 

M is a real doormat, I know I used to be a doormat too in my desperate attempts to save our relations, but M is a master doormat for her during many years.

 

They dated for 4 years since they both were 14 or 15, first love, first sexual experience and all that stuff. He always did everything she wanted, because he loved her and she loved and used him. She dumped him and they have been friends since, he still loved her and she had other boyfriends.

 

After 2 or 3 of her relations about one year each she couldn't find a new guy for a long period of time, so she got back to M. They stayed together for six months this time, she was flirting with other guys, she said "I constantly love you M, and all these guys... I'm just falling in love with them, because I like to fall in love, but my feelings to you are stronger". She wrote in her journal that she is crazy about the other guy and she wants him badly, M saw this post, they had a fight, but still were together. Then she dumped him for the new guy, not the one she wanted, and in 4 months he dumped her, after an India trip where we met with my ex, I mentioned it before in this thread, then it was my turn.

 

Today M still loves her and they are still friends, and I won't be surprised if they join once again if she doesn't find a bf in some months, and you can guess how it will end

 

Thanks God I'm not in it anymore.

[ShannonMI]

I just got an idea, it's strange why haven't I figured it out before. Could it be possible that she easily moved on because of bad memory? She said her memory was bad. Could she literally forget our past? A few facts about her:

 

1. She learnt French for about five years, but forgot almost everything due to lack of practice

2. Sometimes she had no idea about the content of the books she read some years ago

3. A year ago we had a deal that we will live in my city and in a year or two we will move to her city for a year or two, so that it is fair. Two months ago she didn't remember that we had such a deal, that is not something personally I would forget, as it directly touches my lifestyle, but she did.

4. Two months ago she said it was boring to live in my city, few days ago she said she couldn't make such a statement and I made it up

I read through this entire thread and found it very helpful! This post really stuck out, though. I have often thought this way about my ex. I believe he has a short term memory or what I'd like to call a "selective memory." Here's my background: We dated 8 years, I was dumped at the end of May because "we weren't right for each other" (his stupid excuse) when in reality he was cheating on me with the girl he is dating now.

 

When we broke up, I tried to bring up happy memories we had together and nice things he said to me and what I got was "I don't remember that and I didn't say that." Talk about a mind f*ck! Did I dream it then?? I tried to convince him that indeed he DID say those things and indeed we DID do those things, but he kept denying them. I think he just didn't want to think about those specific "happy" things because he knew they WERE special and he knew what he was doing to me (the cheating and the dumping) was sh*tty. He wanted to deny the happy memories and events of our relationship and dwell on the bad things. (which were few and far between if my memory serves me correctly:rolleyes:)

 

How are you doing now Gdunkman? Are you doing better, I hope?

[Gdunkman]

I tried to convince him that indeed he DID say those things and indeed we DID do those things, but he kept denying them. I think he just didn't want to think about those specific "happy" things because he knew they WERE special and he knew what he was doing to me (the cheating and the dumping) was sh*tty. He wanted to deny the happy memories and events of our relationship and dwell on the bad things. (which were few and far between if my memory serves me correctly:rolleyes:)

 

How are you doing now Gdunkman? Are you doing better, I hope?

 

I did it as well. Now I realize that was stupid thing to do, I even sent her a photo of us taken around 6 months ago asking "We were happy that time, don't you think so?", she reacted just like your ex.

 

I'm doing much better then I used to, some people here on LS say in 2-4 months you will feel much better, for example McGrupp said that, and he is a real expert on those things, his list of 10 is something we, dumpees, should follow I couldn't believe it. It is a bit more than 4 months since she moved and 2 and a half since our breakup... and voila! I do feel like I'm alive! I will certainly have bad days, but in general it works.

[ShannonMI]

I did it as well. Now I realize that was stupid thing to do, I even sent her a photo of us taken around 6 months ago asking "We were happy that time, don't you think so?", she reacted just like your ex.

 

I'm doing much better then I used to, some people here on LS say in 2-4 months you will feel much better, for example McGrupp said that, and he is a real expert on those things, his list of 10 is something we, dumpees, should follow I couldn't believe it. It is a bit more than 4 months since she moved and 2 and a half since our breakup... and voila! I do feel like I'm alive! I will certainly have bad days, but in general it works.

That's great! Good for you! I have good days as well. For the most part I flip between being really angry and sad. I love when the good days come. I can't wait for EVERYDAY to be a good day.

[Gdunkman]

I can't wait for EVERYDAY to be a good day.

 

I hope that time will come to you soon, I wish you that! I read your story, and I think you are very strong, we should wait a bit more and our lives will be full of colors as they used to be and even better!

Edited October 2, 2010 by Gdunkman

[ShannonMI]

I hope that time will come to you soon, I wish you that! I read your story, and I think you are very strong, we should wait a bit more and our lives will be full of colors as they used to be and even better!

Yes I hope you are right!

[Gdunkman]

I don't want to declare that I'm over my ex and I am ready for some bad days, but I had no desire to contact her or get some news about her for a week.

 

Yesterday I first met a girl I am interested in I described above, we visited air show and we had a good time, she is a really comfortable person to spend time with. I think I might have to move to dating section of LS soon

 

During summer time, when we were breaking up with my ex, I was preparing myself for really bad times, I thought I wouldn't forget her soon. When I asked her "when will I forget you?", she said in half a year, may be a bit more. She was really overestimating herself, in 2 and a half months I'm pretty much don't care about her.

 

This post is not very informative, but hope I can do this in my thread

[Gdunkman]

Today is my ex's mum's birthday, I called her to wish her all the best. Please don't blame me for breaking NC, because it wasn't, my ex and her mum are different people, right?

 

She is a great person and always wanted my relations with her daughter to last, she told me before that I'm a much better person then the guys my ex hangs with nowadays.

 

What she told me today was will you come to visit us? (it's around 800 miles from me). I said I received no invitation So she said you are always welcome to come to our place, no metter how your relations with my crazy daughter go. That's what she thinks about my ex and her behaviour.

 

As time and love passes I start to remember some moments of her behaviour and now I understand those were huge red flags. As I wrote before, when we lived together, I earned money for both of us and she was sitting at home, one day she suggested I should pay for her to go on vacation to some tropic country, while I will still go to work and earn money. Of course my reply was no way, only if you get money for that somewhere, you can ask your parents or whatever. Isn't it a good life to stay at home and demand money from your partner to go on vacation?

 

Around two weeks NC, no desire to contact her.

[PegNosePete]

She's trying to keep you around because you were a good influence on her daughter. She is meddling in both of your lives. She clearly wants you to get back together with her daughter, wanting you to come visit and she will "accidentally" forget to tell her daughter that you are coming, and try to force an uncomfortable dinner conversation.

 

NC with the mother too! You're just using that as an excuse to hold on.

[Gdunkman]

I saw no signs that she wants us to get back together, it's just her politeness and hospitality, she is very hospitable, they have guests at their place almost every day. I'm not going to contact her until next birthday anyway, and I'm not telling lies to you when I say I have no desire to contact my ex

[Gdunkman]

I spent a weekend with my new friend who can become a gf, if it doesn't work out I would be happy to have her as a friend. We had a good time despite bad weather and now we have a lot of plans like visiting an art gallery, a theatre and going to the other city as an excursion during a weekend soon, she even invited me to her place. I thought about my ex time to time, but it didn't bother me.

 

I was busy at the office this morning, didn't think about anything, but work, I was writing an article and all my attention was in the said piece of writing. All of a sudden my ex wrote me "hey!" in Skype. We never cross our paths in Skype these days, because she doesn't use Skype at work and I don't use it at home. I was shocked looking at this crappy message. I had to show all my strength of will to press "sign out" button. What the hell does she want?

[ShannonMI]

Today is my ex's mum's birthday, I called her to wish her all the best. Please don't blame me for breaking NC, because it wasn't, my ex and her mum are different people, right?

 

She is a great person and always wanted my relations with her daughter to last, she told me before that I'm a much better person then the guys my ex hangs with nowadays.

 

What she told me today was will you come to visit us? (it's around 800 miles from me). I said I received no invitation So she said you are always welcome to come to our place, no metter how your relations with my crazy daughter go. That's what she thinks about my ex and her behaviour.

 

As time and love passes I start to remember some moments of her behaviour and now I understand those were huge red flags. As I wrote before, when we lived together, I earned money for both of us and she was sitting at home, one day she suggested I should pay for her to go on vacation to some tropic country, while I will still go to work and earn money. Of course my reply was no way, only if you get money for that somewhere, you can ask your parents or whatever. Isn't it a good life to stay at home and demand money from your partner to go on vacation?

 

Around two weeks NC, no desire to contact her.

 

I'm still in contact with my ex's mother through email. I can't help but talk to her. She was like a second mother to me for the 8 years her son and I were together. I'll always be close with her. Her son is an a**hole, but she isn't. When I email her, I don't talk about my ex at all. His mother tells me how much she still loves me and misses me. It makes me sad because I miss her and love her as well. I miss his whole family actually. She's asked me out for coffee, but I told her I wasn't ready to see her yet. I told her I would probably burst into tears. She said she understood and said she would most likely cry as well. It's hard because I'm suffering from the breakup with my ex AND I feel like I've broken up with his family too. I've never had to deal with anything so painful in my life:(

[ShannonMI]

I spent a weekend with my new friend who can become a gf, if it doesn't work out I would be happy to have her as a friend. We had a good time despite bad weather and now we have a lot of plans like visiting an art gallery, a theatre and going to the other city as an excursion during a weekend soon, she even invited me to her place. I thought about my ex time to time, but it didn't bother me.

 

I was busy at the office this morning, didn't think about anything, but work, I was writing an article and all my attention was in the said piece of writing. All of a sudden my ex wrote me "hey!" in Skype. We never cross our paths in Skype these days, because she doesn't use Skype at work and I don't use it at home. I was shocked looking at this crappy message. I had to show all my strength of will to press "sign out" button. What the hell does she want?

Sounds like she's checking up on you. Has she heard you are hanging out with someone new? It was good you didn't respond to her. Don't do it no matter how tempting it may be.

[Gdunkman]

Sounds like she's checking up on you. Has she heard you are hanging out with someone new? It was good you didn't respond to her. Don't do it no matter how tempting it may be.

 

Thank you very much ShannonMI for your supportive words. She might know I'm hanging out with a new girl as I left some flirty comments on new girl's fb photos where we were together, and my ex can see that by her mother's fb account as her mother is still my fb friend.

 

It is very tempting to respond to her, that's why I post on LS instead. I had 7 calls from her in Skype yesterday, I declined all of them. Then she wrote something like: "WTF? Are you angry for something? how rude! PICK UP THE PHONE!!!"

 

I wish I could explain her why am I angry, but I'm not going to break my NC, she won't get it anyway. I know that contacting with her will do me no good, we have nothing to discuss, it's beneath my dignity and won't help me to heal. Luckily I don't need Skype today, so I didn't even log in.

Edited October 12, 2010 by Gdunkman

[Gdunkman]

I'm not sure I should post it in coping section, because I feel like I might irritate other members feelings with my news. I went rebound relationship today, almost three months after breakup with my ex. I'm not in love with her, but I find her attractive. I told her i move from the country in four months, but it didn't stop us. I don't expect anything from this relationship, and I don't promise anything to the new girl, she knows we can be together no more than 4 months.

 

I want to take the opportunity and say that my ex is a real b****, who was never worthy of my efforts, and whose lying and manipulative nature will bring her no good in her life.

[ShannonMI]

I'm not sure I should post it in coping section, because I feel like I might irritate other members feelings with my news. I went rebound relationship today, almost three months after breakup with my ex. I'm not in love with her, but I find her attractive. I told her i move from the country in four months, but it didn't stop us. I don't expect anything from this relationship, and I don't promise anything to the new girl, she knows we can be together no more than 4 months.

 

I want to take the opportunity and say that my ex is a real b****, who was never worthy of my efforts, and whose lying and manipulative nature will bring her no good in her life.

Unfortunately rebound relationships rarely work out. If this girl you have rebounded with understands that you can't be with her in 4 months and is ok with it, then that's good. Just don't get too attached to her. I'm glad you are feeling anger toward your ex now and realize what a b*tch she is. That makes it easier to move on. When you take her off that pedestal she was on, you see what kind of person she REALLY is. Good for you Gdunk:)

[Gdunkman]

That's true, but at least I have someone to spend my time with, and as far as I don't promise her anything I hope I won't hurt her. I will do my best not to get attached. The other benefit is that my self-esteem is back, as now it is proved I still can attract pretty girls and my doubts of September 10th:

 

...and I'm not sure I can attract someone's attention as well, because I'm not that interesting person I used to be. I'm not interested in my old hobbies anymore, I'm not that cheerful, easygoing and light-hearted man I used to be when I met my ex a year and a half ago.

 

are void.

 

My next step is trying to quit smoking, it was so easy last time, I told my ex I didn't want to smoke, so she asked me to promise her I won't smoke anymore, even one single cigarette. I promised her and didn't smoke for more than a year, until our breakup. I didn't lie her, I don't have lying nature, unlike her.

 

These days when I felt bad thinking about her, or when I wanted to break NC I lit a cigarette and got distracted from my thoughts.

 

Half an hour ago I accidentally bumped into some photos of her, where we were happy together and I know I'm a few seconds away from asking her how she is, just write "hey" and press send button. At this very moment I'm fighting with two potentially harmfull activities: smoking and contacting my ex.

[ShannonMI]

Don't smoke (because it's gross and bad for you:sick:) and don't contact your ex!! Delete those pictures too! Yes, you were happy with her at one point, but then things deteriorated. You posted yesterday your thoughts on what a manipulative b*tch she is. You know who she REALLY is. Think about that before you try to contact her.

[Gdunkman]

You know who she REALLY is.

 

Yes, I'm sure she is, I wish she could realize what she behaved like, but she is 100% sure she is innocent. I had a f****** friendship offer today, please consider the fact that before this I told her 3 times I don't want to talk to her and explained why:

 

 

- G.! Hi!!!! Are you back? Did you pass your exams? Why don't you talk to me? .... You just started to write something, then deleted, what did you write?

 

- Hi. Your snowboard is still here. I will send it to you this week. No other topics please.

 

- When? Thank you for calling my mum at her birthday, she was happy. So when will you send me my snowboard? I think about a trip to your city soon, can I stay at your place?

 

- No, sorry, you can't.

 

-Why? Honey, why do you talk to me that way? I didn't do anything wrong to you. You talk to me so roughly! G.! So, what about snowboard? when can I receive it? Hey! Answer! snowboard snowboard snowboard! Did you dig out our treasure?

 

- This week. Don't know what day yet. Ciao!

 

- You know, you didn't love me if you can talk to me like that.

 

- I've already explained you why I don't want to talk to you.

 

- I understand you, I try not to intrude upon you. I just want to save our friendship. Is it possible?

 

- I'm not sure. Why?

 

- I think we were good friends, that's what is left if you take away romantic part.

 

- We were, then we became almost enemies this summer.

 

- Enemies? I didn't do anything bad.

[ShannonMI]

I wished you hadn't even bothered to answer her messages, but at least you were short and to the point with your replies. You didn't really indulge her at all which was good! Send her that snowboard and be done with her. And send anything else she may use as an excuse in the future to get in contact with you. Isn't it irritating how exes want to be friends? It's to alleviate the guilt they feel. Mine wants friendship and it's a joke. After he cheated on me, why on earth would I want his friendship? Significant others and/or friends don't do what he did. A liar and a cheat is what he is. He's no friend of mine.

[fabio10]

Hey G, how are you ? Man how do you feel after the contact ? It is so annoying they want to be friends its even worse in my case as we were best friends for four years before we got together so it pains me to ignore her, but you must tell yourself that if you were not good enough to be with her romantically, why is she good enough to be your friend ???? You need to delete her from your skype she is there all the time, you should have told her you will never be her friend. I remember a week after me and my ex broke up we met up she asked me to stay close and not leave her life I told her I cannot be your friend now and I honestly can not see the day that I will be your friend as I want more, she broke down called me selfish etc but I was being honest with myself and her ! I have lost my best friend forever but on the plus side Im not one of those ex's who just gets eased into the friend zone

[Gdunkman]

It is irritating, but If she just disappeared, would I feel better with that? At least I have a choice to be or not to be friends, and my choice is no.

 

I don't feel bad after the contact, but I might regret it soon, say in a week, that's how I usually feel.

 

At the moment we are in a situation when we both want to stay in contact, but I can't afford it. During summer she wanted to spend time with her new "friends" she barely knew, as she met them in July and ignored me. Friends were so interesting, new, extraordinary and unexplored and she was annoyed with me bending over backwards to win her back. Now, presumably, she got used to those friends, it turned out they are just human beings living their one lifes, who don't idolize her, she got bored with that and decided to address herself to someone who does. Surprise! he doesn't need her anymore he doesn't ask her how she is doing and whether she is with someone. Apparently he doesn't give a s*** about that. She should be upset now and I gloat over it a bit, but I do realize that to be my friend is not something very important for her.

 

I'm happy for you fabio that you are not going to become friends with her, we should ignore them, they deserve it.

 

Thank you ShannonMI for your support, I hope we will forget our exes soon. Good luck to you!