Problems after 7 years

[Kael]

Hi everyone,

 

This is my first time as a poster. I'm a 24/M. I've been with my girlfriend, who is 23, for 7.5 years. We started going out when she was 16. We were both in high school. This is both of our first real relationship, and we are high school sweethearts.

 

We live 3 1/2 hours away from each other. We have been doing long distance for 6 years (some years 1 hr away, some 3.5 hrs away). Our distance is due to school. We were both in school for 4 yrs, 1 hr away. I graduated about 2 years ago and moved back to my home town. She is currently in grad school 3.5 hrs away.

 

Distance has always made things more difficult than it should've been. However, we were both faithful through the years and have made it work. We have always said that once she finished school, we would move in together and get married. I love her very much.

 

The problems began 3 months ago. I'm sure things were getting worse for her long before that though. Anyway, 3 months ago, she wanted to take a break. She was unsure about the relationship. She said she was becoming disconnected and not 100% into the relationship anymore. She said she wanted us to be "single" during this break (ie. no longer exclusive to each other). To me, it was a break up. Her calling it a break was just a means to keep me waiting for her.

 

So, anyway, the break starts, and we begin no contact (NC). Every week or two, one of us would break the NC and talk. I was always suspicious that there was another guy. She always maintained that there was no one else. Two months pass by, and we are still on this "break". I was having problems one day, and I called her to talk.

 

During the conversation, she finally spilled the beans that there was another guy. Though, she immediately dismissed him as meaning nothing to her, and that she doesn't want to be with him. I asked her if they hooked up. And, the only thing that happened between them was making out. She told me he spent the night twice, but that they did not have any sexual contact. (I believe her on this.) Couple more things. Even though she lied for two months about there not being another guy, she technically didn't cheat on me. She broke up and we were able to see other people. (For what it is worth, I didn't see any other women during this time)

 

After that night, she said she didn't want to lose me and that she was sorry. She said she wanted to try to make things work. She wanted to get back to feeling 100% committed and excited about our relationship again. So, I decided to be the mature one and accept that I can't change the past and decide if I really wanted to be with this girl. After thinking about it, I knew I would regret it if I didn't give it another try.

 

So, she has a 2 week break from school, and comes down to see me for a week. Things were good. We capped off the week with a trip out of town to see a football game (that was this weekend). Stayed in a hotel. Had a great time.

 

She went back to school this Monday. Last night, she told me she still wasn't 100% into the relationship (I brought up the conversation because I knew something was wrong). She wasn't that excited to see me this weekend. She said she doesn't know why, and she really wants to be excited and 100% into it. She said part of it might be because things aren't exciting as something new (She only said this because of me bringing it to her attention).

 

I was planning on going to see her Saturday. She wants me to come up. She said she hasn't given up yet on us.

 

My question for you experts...what should I do? Is what we are going through common? If so, what are the possible outcomes? What advice do you have for me and her that can improve our situation? If this is normal, how can I show her that this is our 7 year itch and we can work through it?

 

I love her more than anything, but I know I deserve someone that feels the same. If you need more details, let me know. Please help... Thanks

[lala82]

I think your girlfriend is messing around. One week she wants to be with you and then suddenly she changes her mind. And then again, she wants to see and then she changes her mind again.

 

To be honest I think you should split up with her. She is messing around, because she knows that you will forgive her again. You deserve someone, who treats you with respect and be serious with the relationship.

 

She is an immature person, that's why she needs to be alone to grow up a little bit.

 

Avoid further headaches with this girl

[TaraMaiden]

This really shouldn't surprise you.

You get together in your adolescence, when you're both in the middle of struggling through puberty.... and you think this would be for ever?

 

Look, the best thing you could do is cut her loose, tell her she is a free agent, and ask her to touch base with you again in 6 months, but in the meantime, she can go her way and you go yours.

You neither of you have had any experience whatsoever in meeting other partners, enjoying your youth with a variety of different friends... really, this isn't for keeps. Nothing ever is. Even we grown ups (! ) have hit the second, or third marriage or more, maybe... but we're many of us not with our first "to have and to hold til death us do part" promised ones!

 

Let go. Feel free to play the field a bit, let your hair down, and enjoy the variety and spice of life.

 

hell, she is....!

[Kael]

I appreciate the responses. I know it is a difficult situation for me to be in. On one hand, I have a deep seeded love for her. When you grow up with someone, they become part of who you are. On the other hand, she is not 100% into it right now. But, she tells me she really wants to get there.

 

I feel like she is part of the person I am today. There is a certain sense of fear that is involved too. Maybe I am afraid of who I will become once she is no longer part of my life?

 

I know I can find another girl. That has never been the problem. The problem is I am just afraid of the void that will be left once she is gone. It is easy to say, cut your losses and move on. But I want to make it work with THIS girl, not any girl. I will feel better about moving on, knowing I did everything I could to make it work.

 

If anyone has any personal experiences that are similar to this, I would be interested to hear both sides. Situations that worked and some that didn't.

 

I also look forward to any other comments or suggestions. Thanks again...

[Kael]

Update...she ended it again an hour ago. Over the phone too. I guess everyone saw this coming, including me. We are over. I'm devastated. Her main reason was that she just isn't feeling it and not 100% into it. Also said she isn't excited about seeing me. She said she wanted to feel it. She thinks time wouldn't help to get her where she needs to be and that the only way is no contact. Then maybe she realizes her mistake. This isn't a break. it's a break up...

 

Anyone have any advice on how to cope with this?

 

Do I remove her from my phone and facebook? Etc.

 

I need help! :-(

[TMichaels]

Update...she ended it again an hour ago. Over the phone too. I guess everyone saw this coming, including me. We are over. I'm devastated. Her main reason was that she just isn't feeling it and not 100% into it. Also said she isn't excited about seeing me. She said she wanted to feel it. She thinks time wouldn't help to get her where she needs to be and that the only way is no contact. Then maybe she realizes her mistake. This isn't a break. it's a break up...

 

Anyone have any advice on how to cope with this?

 

Do I remove her from my phone and facebook? Etc.

 

Yep, and do you know why? So you can attain/re-gain *some power* in this relationship.

 

Right now, she's holding all the cards and has been for some time. Think of it as a massive game of "crack the whip" where she's at the center and you're at the end of the tether being whipped around without any control or purpose -- because that's what's been going on, and how you've been letting her treat you.

 

The last thing she expects is for you to react like her decision is the best news you've heard in years. BUT THAT'S WHAT YOU NEED TO DO AND HOW YOU SHOULD ACT as the shoe needs to be on the other foot for her to realize just what she has lost.

 

So, get your head together, wait a couple of days and have a brief chat with her. Be cool, calm and collected like your life and relationship depends on it (because it does).

 

Tell her that you've thought about what she said (and her decision) and you agree that both of you need to be 100% into the relationship -- and in fact, YOU APPRECIATE HER GIVING YOU the chance to be free to have that sort of relationship with someone else.

 

That's the sum total of your conversation. Be upbeat but not cocky -- and don't deviate from "the script" except to end the convo saying that it really means a lot to you THAT SHE WANTS YOU to be happy and you wish her all the best in finding what she wants, too.

 

DON'T tell her you are removing her from your Facebook page, MSN, Skype, phone or whatever. It will be much more effective if/when she finds that out on her own.

 

Then, do what other posters have told you to do. Go "no contact" (NC) -- totally -- and I mean totally. It will do absolutely no good if you cave. If you want her to want you and your relationship -- then she has to miss what she had. And, she has to realize THAT SHE LOST YOU -- not the reverse.

 

To stay the course, you first need to delete all modes of contact. Otherwise, you'll be tempted. AND DON'T CHECK HER FACEBOOK PAGE to see what she's up to. It will only drive you nuts.

 

You need to get into the mindset that this break-up isn't only her choice or decision. It's just as much *your choice* because YOU DESERVE to be treated and respected just as equally by the person to whom you give your heart as you do them. (Read this and believe it, Kael -- because it's the truth.)

 

To get through this, you need to keep busy. Go out with friends, work out, immerse yourself in work, take a night class, volunteer. Do *whatever it takes* to keep yourself occupied (and off the web/phone/text).

 

The first few days/weeks are the hardest. But, I'll give you a tip: It's a proven fact *if you do anything consistently for six weeks* it becomes a new habit -- and replacing "your old habit" (her) with a constructive one (or more) is what you need to do.

 

One way or another, I'm sure it will get back to her or she will come to the realization that you've moved on and are doing just fine. That's good news on two fronts -- it will boggle her mind and also help you realize you have just as much a right to be happy and can't and shouldn't settle for less than what you deserve.

 

Will you ever be a couple again?

 

Maybe yes, maybe no. There's an old adage that says: "If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, they're yours; if they don't, they never were."

 

I would amend that to say: "If they don't, find someone who loves you for who you are, and loves you just the way you happen to be."

 

Another suggestion: When you're tempted to break NC, posting here, instead, can be a life-saver. There's a ton of people on this site who have walked in your shoes and know how important it is to have "a buddy" to help them cope. So read, reflect, post and ask for support whenever you need it. LS'ers tend to be a generous lot and they'll help you make it through...

 

All the best,

TMichaels

 

 

P.S. One more tip: If any of the above makes sense to you, copy/paste and print it out then carry a copy with you in your wallet. When you're tempted to give in or give up, read it to help you re-center and re-focus your resolve. You CAN get through this, Kael. And, remember: "What's for you, won't pass you"-- whatever that turns out to be.

Edited August 28, 2010 by TMichaels